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-   -   I can't stop missing my ex. It is tearing me apart inside. What do I do? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=368156)

  • Jun 23, 2009, 09:47 AM
    rainingyou
    I can't stop missing my ex. It is tearing me apart inside. What do I do?
    I'm one to write a book so I'm going to try to keep it as simple as I can, but please bear with me anyways~

    I broke up with him in October of 2007, our senior year. We had dated for 10 months. We were very attached to one another. We were also very protective over each other. I stopped hanging out with my friends, he stopped hanging out with his friends. We spent every second that we could together, we rearranged our schedules just so that we could have every class together. Everyone told us how unhealthy our relationship was. I eventually began to listen, once I got a job, and all my coworkers were also saying that our relationship was unhealthy. I began to see how he was like my puppet, he allowed me to control him, he followed me around like a puppy, I begun to miss my friends... I realized how I had changed him. He had once been so friendly and goofy with everyone, especially girls. But I felt threatened by this early in the relationship, so I forced him to stop talking, even looking, at other girls. The fact that he allowed me to do this was a turnoff, I tried talking to him about it, but he said he couldn't change back now.. . I'm just now remembering all of this as I write it.
    Everyone hated us it seemed. He was like a shell when it came to my friends/our friends... They hated who I had turned him into. They hated how we were always so glued together, how we couldn't keep our hands off each other...
    I guess that is what destroyed our relationship.
    We had great chemistry together. We understood each other. He loved me for me... but did I love him for him at the time? I don't think so. I always told him he was too romantic, too attached to me, obsessed... We would talk to one another on the phone and I would find myself auto tuning him out, because I found what he was talking about to be boring.
    Looking back, I was a horrible girlfriend. I didn't appreciate him for who he was, what he did for me. And in all reality... I didn't allow him to be who he was...
    Anyway, after I broke up with him, after a month of him trying to maintain a relationship with me, I cut off communication completely with him. He switched schools for starters. My friend, who despised our relationship, who was a girl, and had been one of his best friends before him and I had started dating, was the one who got through to him. He called my phone one night, she answered, I walked away, and she said something to him. He never called again. I blocked his email, blocked his myspace, and for 2-3 months, had absolutely no contact with him.
    In those two months, I relapsed. I had been in rehab my sophomore year for drug and alcohol abuse. I began dating this ugly guy I had never even liked as a friend, moved out of my mom's house, into this guy's mom's house, began paying her rent, began partying nightly and even at work...
    I got kicked out of school...
    And this was the day I called my ex.
    He had begun drinking and partying a lot as well. Which he had never done. I was his first girlfriend, his first everything.
    This is such a long story... I'll just skip a lot. I'm back on the right track. I've been sober for 14 months. I'm engaged to someone else.
    My ex is "madly insanely head over heels in love" with someone he met at his new school.
    He's engaged to her.
    I find myself thinking of him constantly though.
    Constantly comparing him to my fiancé.
    Why do I miss him? Why do I dream about him? Why do I think of him so much?
    He seems to be completely moved on.
    Why can't I?
    I thought I had moved on, but October of last year, after a year of breaking up with him, I remembered all the great aspects of our relationship. All the memories flooded back to me. And since, they have just kept coming.
    I had forgotten him.
    I have OCD. Could this be a factor?
    When I was with him though, I missed my first love, my first love from when I was 12-14.
    What's wrong with me?
    Could it be that now he is back to being who I had originally fallen in love with... Idk. Please input your opinions.
  • Jun 23, 2009, 10:00 AM
    jenniepepsi

    Hi hon.

    First let me say, my heart is out to you. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    I have been through the same amost. My high school boy friend was with me from the time I was a freshman (15 years old) until I was 20, when I gave birth to my daughter, and he left

    I have to tell you, it felt like a KNIFE twisting inside me. I fell to the floor half crying half screaming when he walked out the door. I held a real knife in my hand, and I wanted to use it.

    It hurt SOOO bad for SOOO long. My daughter was raised by my mother for the first 4 months of her life (we lived with my parents) because I was so deeply depressed I couldn't get out of bed to take care of her.


    But the skys cleared... and after time, and tears, and pain, it went away slowly.

    *hugs* you CAN get through this. It WILL get better. It hurts now. I know it does. And you want to cry so hard that your eyes fall out. But I promise it will get better.

    *hugs* lots of love hon. Feel free to private message me if you want to talk :)
  • Jun 23, 2009, 10:30 AM
    liz28

    Congratulations on being sober for 14 months.

    You might love this guy because he was your first love but as you stated it was unhealthy and that is a fact you shouldn't ignore.

    He moved on and so have you. It is okay to reflect on your past because your past is what made you into the person you are today.

    You overcame a lot and you should be very happy with yourself but don't live in the past.

    You grown a lot and hopefully have someone that cares for you a lot. But don't rush into something just to have someone.

    Since you didn't finish school go back and finish--if you haven't already done so. It is time to let go of your ex and focus on the present and future. What do you want to do with your life?
  • Jun 23, 2009, 06:25 PM
    rainingyou

    Thank you. He wasn't my first love, but he was the first guy I was *in love with* to not break my heart, I just now realized. My fiancé and I have had our ups and downs. We got pregnant after only 2 months of being together, and in those 2 months. Very long story. But this little baby is the reason for my motivation and determination to stay sober. I love her to pieces. I am a wonderful mother. I appreciate all her father, my fiancé. I love him... it's just so hard to not compare him to my ex. I try not to... but I always do. And... every bad quality about my ex, he has the opposite and visa versa. It's like... if I could combine the two, they'd be perfect=[
    I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I want to make it work with my fiancé. I want the three of us(my daughter, him, and me) to live happily ever after. And I did get my GED. I want to take online courses now. It's just a matter of deciding which is best for me. Plus they have to offer financial aid, and they're app fee can't be outrageous. Anyway... my ex had told my cousin that he hates hearing how my daughter looks like her father, because he always thought him and I would have a daughter together. Of course, he already has a name picked out for him and his fiance's future daughter. (Not pregnant or trying to my knowledge, they just have the name picked out.) I just wish I knew his secret. How'd he move on so easily? Perhaps my actions helped. He's always been there for me. And now he's not. I'm being selfish, right?
    It's not even like they've been together for that long though. He cheated on her after a few months of dating her, she broke up with him, he was devastated... then she kept breaking up with him and getting back with him over and over and over and over. Then he enlisted in the army, and since he's been gone, they have been back together. And on a visit in December he proposed. I just don't get it. That doesn't seem right... I don't want to get back together with him. I just simply want to know how to forget him again. Or at least be over him again!!
  • Jun 23, 2009, 06:36 PM
    talaniman
    I think if you would stop getting updates on his life, and put that energy into the one you have now, over time he will fade into the background. The key is focusing on your life now, and finding happiness in it.

    Whatever way your getting your information about him, has to stop! That's an absolute must.
  • Jun 23, 2009, 06:55 PM
    liz28

    Yes it sounds like you and your fiancé moved too fast but the two of you can make it work if the two of you want to.

    Stop focusing on what is going in your fiancé life and the things that are going in his relationship.

    The two of you had time to moved on and it seems like the two of you has. Focusing on your ex is just going keep you from allowing your own relationship to grow and make you miserable.
  • Jun 23, 2009, 06:59 PM
    rainingyou

    Talaniman- I thought the thing to do would be to stop all communication, but I thought maybe I was just being petty. And every time I've tried in the past... one of us talks to the other. But I think I got it now. It's just a matter of sticking to it. But that is what is best for my daughter and for my relationship with my fiance- so I will stick to it.
    Thank you=]
  • Jun 23, 2009, 07:01 PM
    rainingyou
    Liz28- didn't see your post when I posted- but you have great advice as well.

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