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phillysteakandcheese · Aug 16, 2011, 03:03 PM

This is pathetic- but I forgot who the person I was prior to my relationship...
>Threads have been merged together.<

I think we find we are "different" in a relationship than we are "single" because we are making considerations for another person in our life. We suddenly now have different influences impacting us and that changes "who we are".

These influences can be positive or negative. They might get us out of our comfort zone and doing things we might not have otherwise, or stop us from doing certain things we feel are no longer appropriate for someone in a committed relationship.

I've noticed this in myself too.

The key is balancing your independent self with your inter-dependant self (thanks Stephen Covey). When you are sharing your life, you should be growing. When your priorities, desires, or even your personality start to be suppressed in a relationship, you start to feel like you are losing who you are – Just as you described.

rocky4920 · Aug 16, 2011, 03:16 PM

Well Philly- Ill say this- everyone around me ( friends and family) said that while dating my ex- she brought the best out of me and that I was just completely 100% happy with life and I was less tense and very relaxed.

But now since I am broken up- Yeah I am in my depressed stages but everyone is getting pissed of how I have been since the break up. Well I don't feel myself- I can't snap out of my funk. I went on a trip to California last week with 4 best buds of mine and even after all that I still feel terrible- cause the littlest thing reminds me of her - it sucks-

So Yes I want to get out of my funk- I use to be the most social and talkative person before dating her and while dating her. Now I am just quiet a lot and have little to say anymore. I personally don't like who the person I am right now but I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do to move on brings me back to her- like I said the littlest things remind me of her and I don't know how to get over that.

I wish · Aug 17, 2011, 07:16 AM

It's not an easy funk to get out of, I've been there too. I find the best remedy is to meet new people. By meeting new people, you will feel like you have a fresh start.

You must have learned a lot from this past relationship. You now have an opportunity to use what you have learned to be a better person and the new people in your life will benefit from that because they don't know your past baggage, they will only meet the new you.

rocky4920 · Aug 17, 2011, 01:59 PM

It will be a month this Sunday she broke up with me and these past 3 days have felt worse then the initial days after the break up. I don't know why I have good days and then a stretch of bad ones. Yea I learned a lot from this relationship - if only I could go back in time- but when you talk about baggage- well regardless if the new people don't know about it - I will and that baggage will always follow me in life.

vanheart · Aug 17, 2011, 03:07 PM

That's a good start.

When I went NC, that not only included my ex, but also her family, friends, and honestly everyone that associates with her.

Still to this day.

Try to fill your mind & days with everything except her. Surround yourself with friends & positive things.

Give yourself some goals for healing. 1 month, 2, 3, etc... Stay strong in the process.

This isn't the end of the world.

And BTW, I would get off Facebook during this process. It will only encourage temptation.

We all had friends, lived & shared before Facebook, right?

Soon you will live up to your name & like Rocky, will be raising your hands on top of the steps, jumping up & down!

rocky4920 · Aug 17, 2011, 04:37 PM

My problem is that I am weak- mentally weak because I don't think about her- but then when a song is on the radio and it was one we use to sing together or liked that destroys me for the rest of the day. Its so weird how many things in life can be associated with a certain person.

ALl I can simply do is no contact- and well I just hope this isn't the case "out of sight, out of mind..."

And plus she has this guy to fill her void of emptiness. That's the only thing I worry. Up until 2 days ago every few days we would chat briefly- yeah I guess in the friend zone- most of the time I would initiate it.

So all of a sudden dropping off the earth from her life- I don't know how she will react or w/e. Yes I shouldn't care cause I am not with her- but it is just hard to know - despite being with the new guy- if she will still think about me now and then and miss me...

vanheart · Aug 17, 2011, 04:55 PM

Join the club. Embrace it.

"and well i just hope this isnt the case "out of sight, out of mind... "

Thats EXACTLY what its gonna be, If, you are smart & can get past that false hope, nice guy crap. Wallowing.

"he has this guy to fill her void of emptiness. That's the only thing I worry."

That isnt your worry. Not sure what you are worried about. Shes fine. And so, will you be. As soon as you get straight.
Start being concerned with YOU, not her.

"So all of a sudden dropping off the earth from her life- I don't know how she will react or w/e"

Well, she's going to wonder where you went. But here's, the thing, she dumped you, is with someone else.
Why in hell, would you care? Pretty soon you may find yourself getting pissed off instead.

You see, when someone doesn't want you & gets w/someone else, they no longer deserve your precious time, thoughts or anything else.

She gave that up. Oh, well... Too bad, so sad, for her.

Missing you? Please. Don't be that guy that cares more than she does. She isn't your girlfriend & vis-versa...

Realization first. Its over. Done.

I wish · Aug 17, 2011, 09:28 PM

Everyone has baggage. But baggage only follows you if you allow it to. The question is, will you leave the baggage at home or will you always carry it with you wherever you go?

vanheart · Aug 18, 2011, 12:05 AM

Her baggage isn't yours.

Yours, well... That's for you to decide who carrys it.

You are going to learn more in the next 14 months, w/o her than w/her.

Congratulations.

rocky4920 · Aug 18, 2011, 07:07 AM

Sometimes you can't forget the past- yes to me the baggage will always be there- but the bigger question is how you will let that baggage affect your life. I mean is it still wrong to care about an ex? Vanheart- I know you are trying to bring me to reality. Sure obviously she is with someone else now- in the honeymoon stages of the rebound- do we know how long it will last? Nope. And I am not going to be waiting around either for when it does. I want to live my life and if she comes back to me in the future- that's something I will have to figure out.

I am at the point now that I am moving on, but still have that sliver of hope in the back of my mind. Sure it probably is not healthy to have that hope... I guess in case the possibility ever came up in the future for us to be again that's y I still have it- instead of making sure I never date her again. Maybe I am wrong for this.

vanheart · Aug 18, 2011, 07:48 AM

You can care about her all you want.

While she slips into bed with her new boyfriend every night.

Your choice. Not mine.

Don't be a sucker.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2011, 03:22 PM

That's some stinkin' thinkin' all right, but some take longer than others to finally getting it, and care more about what they are doing for themselves now, than if a sliver of hope is worth holding on to.

You will get tired of waiting, for sloppy seconds.

rocky4920 · Aug 18, 2011, 09:23 PM

I do not want to give the impression I am waiting... cause I am not- I am just saying if she came back running to me- then I would not be against trying it again after we talk things out.

vanheart · Aug 19, 2011, 02:40 PM

Just put those thoughts out of your head.

Don't be that guy that wants his ex to come "running back"

That would not only be a miracle, but why would you want her to? After this?

That's the real question you need to answer.

The "talking things out" days are long gone...

Fr_Chuck · Aug 20, 2011, 10:40 AM

You are not looking at the truth, you are not accepting what is happening. You are making excuses, you are holding on to false hopes.

Let go, move on, stop stalking her, don't follow what she is doing, and move on.

You will not find anything but more heartache at this point.

*** side note, there is nothing personal here, your request to have it deleted has been denied

rocky4920 · Aug 20, 2011, 10:51 AM

Well the request to have this deleted was in fact to help me out... instead of running on here seeking advice I want this obstacle removed so I can stop being so desperate waiting to hear good news from someone on here- plus she saw this as well and didn't appreciate our history being on here. So for the goodness of me moving on- deleting this post would help Fr. Chuck in all seriousness and I would greatly appreciate it.

talaniman · Aug 20, 2011, 11:05 AM

Looking for good news?? I thought you wanted opinions and advice based on experience? Now you want this deleted because she isn't happy about what we have been telling you?

Doesn't work that way, sorry, but until you figure it out for yourself, then you will continue to be at the mercy of her whims, and moods. Its real simple, when you get tired enough, you will do something to change things. I doubt seriously if she changes anything, so what does that leave you with?

That's the question for you to answer for yourself.

rocky4920 · Aug 20, 2011, 11:20 AM

No no no -sorry you misunderstood me about the good news. And she isn't the sole reason I want this deleted. I want it because I am sick of looking for that hope still. I want this to be in the past now and the more I am tempted to go on here the more I can not move on. If this post doesn't exist it would be a huge stride to move forward and to stop analyzing what happened in my relationship.

vanheart · Aug 20, 2011, 04:05 PM

Not sure how & why she saw this thread, but..

I thought you were on NC.

Honestly, if I were you, I would read through this a hundred times until it sinks in & keep posting.

When I was in the sh$t, I would read through my OP everyday, for probably 6 months, posted here for almost a year.

That was my saving grace. The killer, caring and experienced people here that take the time to help others.

The more you stay in denial, the longer its going to take to heal.

If you are looking for a magic answer, there isn't one.

The "good news" is that you may learn something from all of this & be better prepared & a more together person & partner later for someone.

But only if you stop your current mindset & work at it.

Its all up to you. You are in charge of your own existence, no one else.

rocky4920 · Aug 20, 2011, 04:54 PM

I am in No contact... she typed in my name in google- I used this for other account over the years... The more I read the more I am pissed at myself for screwing up this relationship. I pushed her away and now am suffering the guilt... sure I do not want to run from my fears but seeing this does not help- it only makes me feel worse