I am 30 years old and thought I had found the man of my dreams. I found out my boyfriend cheated on me twice during our year long relationship. Our relationship has been pretty amazing and he even moved halfway across the country with me so I could go to school. Recently we've been talking about getting married and starting a family. He told me about his infidelities during a fight and said it to hurt me. It did. I'm devastated and staying with my mom. Both times that he cheated on me it was after or during a fight and before we moved away together. I'm trying to make sense of everything and figure out if I can/want to make the relationship work. He is full of apologies and claims that once we moved he became completely committed to me and he would never do it again. He says he wants to marry me. I have never felt like this about anyone else. I am not sure what to do? How could I possibly consider staying with him... or marrying him? Is there anyway to get past this?

Maybe you take some time to yourself to figure it out, like you are doing now. There is no hurry, nor should you feel pressure from him to try again. You don't have to do anything until you are ready, whether he likes it or not.

Maybe you both need more than a year to decide what comes next. You are in school, make that the priority, not him. He certainly hasn't proven he deserves your heart, or knows what to do with it has he?

Perhaps a separation and try "dating" for another year or so.

I wouldn't rush marriage just yet.

Date for another year or two

I personally would call it quits I mean once is bad enough but twice? And just because you have a fight does no mean he cajust go out and cheat
What will happen if your on your honeymoon and fight will he go off and bang the maide?

Take time for yourself heal and really thin about this relationship logically

I agree 100%.

Take all of the time you need.
See if he has really changed his ways. No rush.

What do they say?
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Don't let your dreams of marriage cloud reality.

What would really suck is to get married, have a fight later & he goes out & gets laid.

While I think his cheating is bad enough, I think it is even worse how he handles arguments-he cheats or says things to hurt you such as telling you about his cheating.

There isn't anything stopping you from marrying him other than hopefully your common sense. If this is how he behaves before marriage then it will probably continue afterward or even get worse. I know you say the cheating happened before you moved but his inability to 'fight fair' seems like a much more recent event.

If you choose to stay with him, you both need to learn better communication skills and what should be off-limits in a disagreement. If you stay, it means you agree to give him a chance to regain your trust and to work together to build a better future. It doesn't mean you are forgetting what he did, you are giving him a chance to show he has learned from his mistakes. If you find yourself wanting to punish him or unable to be secure enough in the relationship to give him a chance to rebuild the trust, walk away. Don't hurt yourself by wanting to hurt him. If the relationship is to survive and move forward, you might think about a Marriage Class to learn how to have disagreements without crossing personal boundary lines such as striking out at you because he was angry.

Anger, frustration, etc. not excuses for intentionally wanting to hurt someone. Personally, I don't know if I would stay with him. I would certainly take a step back and take time to get my thoughts in order. I would also not think about marriage until the issues are fixed or being worked on. I wouldn't stay with him if he has a habit of striking out verbally or physically when upset or angry. If I found myself reacting in kind I would walk away before losing respect for myself.

Whatever choice you make, take your time. Do what is best for you and then think about him. As harsh as it may sound, there are other men who never think of cheating because of an argument or throwing it in your face to hurt you. However, you will always have a relationship with yourself. Keep that relationship strong and healthy. Good luck.

I take my last post back.

I would dump his a$$.

Find a man, not a kid. There's only so much disrespect allowed.

Sounds like neither one of you are ready for marriage. This is no foundation.

Like Cat said, "do whats best for you."

That's the best advice.

Thanks everyone.

I would like to hear from people that forgave a partner that cheated. How they did it and moved on? And how their relationship is today?

You're welcome. :)

Is there anything else you would like to say or add? We're here if you want more advice or need to rant.

Hi Crushed,

Quote:

---

I would like to hear from people that forgave a partner that cheated. How they did it and moved on? And how their relationship is today?

---

In my case, he cheated yet again and is now married to the person he cheated with.
And wonder of wonders, he's been cheating on her.
No one knows how your situation will turn out, but I would certainly step back and reasses he relationship.

To be brutally honest... I'm divorced. I couldn't forgive him for tearing the lives of my children apart.

I don't believe in infidelity, nor will I tolerate it. Either you are with me wholly and completely or you're not. If you're not, I'll show you the door. ;)

To follow up... It's been over 20 years and I've forgiven him. Why? Because my life is better and he is lying in the bed he made.

Sometimes when someone cheats they say it was like it was someone else another life time or a dream once they have been caught .Sometimes it happens because you take your partner for granted and other times it happens because you have been with each other so long you forgot what it would feel like to have that feeling again with someone else .bottom line is if you love the person and think you can trust & can tell they are so upset about it themselves then you just have to forgive & forget it.If they say get over it it is not because they did not know how bad it was they say this because they love you so much they want you to act as if it did not happen.this is a hard one now if they cheat once and then do it again & say sorry again and again this kind of relationship needs to come to a end . Good luck

I forgave my ex for having an affair with a close friend before we were married. Today, I wish I'd left him right then. I stayed, married him, had two kids with him. He turned out to be verbally and physically abusive and chronically flirted with other women; probably was unfaithful. He was also abusive to our children.

I think your boyfriend sounds like a bad bet. Apologies and promises are worth what exactly? Look for a good track record before you get married. Does your guy have a good track record? No.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by crushed21

I would like to hear from people that forgave a partner that cheated. How they did it and moved on? And how their relationship is today?

---

I forgave my partner once. It was a tough deal to forgive, forgetting was a lot easier.
Anyway, my partner cheated again, and I dumped her.
PS: When I first forgave her, she was full of apologies, I won't do it, no matter what, bla bla, yappa papaa etc etc. But I never restricted her, which gave her the edge, cheated again. So, I had to put a full stop. I even thought like you did, she was the one, but now I surely know she is not. :D :D
Cheers, whatever decision you take, make sure that you won't regret it later.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BK201

I forgave my partner once. It was a tough deal to forgive, forgetting was a lot easier.
Anyways, my partner cheated again, and I dumped her.
PS: When I first forgave her, she was full of apologies, I wont do it, no matter what, bla bla, yappa papaa etc etc. But I never restricted her, which gave her the edge, cheated again. So, I had to put a full stop. I even thought like you did, she was the one, but now I surely know she is not. :D :D
Cheers, whatever decision you take, make sure that you wont regret it later.

---

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to BK201 again.

It has been about 6 months since I found out my boyfriend of 3 years cheated. I am still hurt. It kind of comes and goes in waves. I do love him, he made a huge mistake and I am giving myself some time to really heal. He knows I am probably going to take years of recovery from this. This solution is not for everyone. He's willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Things between us will never be the same. I have come to accept that. We have gone to counseling. And he goes separately to his own counselor. I am about to start going to my own counselor again. I'm sorry to say I haven't entirely forgiven him yet, but I am in the process if it. I am willing to heal and try trusting him again one day. He is willing to stand by during those difficult, ugly times. Today, our relationship is fun. We have some great laughs and talk to each other often and work out together. We try to have "date night" and take the night off from cooking once a week. There are a lot of things that are exactly as they were before. But, there are some things that aren't. It does bother me, but to me, that's just part of healing. I think that forgiving and healing take a long time... if you can do that and he can stick by you through the good and bad, then that's a good thing. If you can't, it's all right too. That kind of choice is not for everyone. I hope you are doing OK and most of all, I hope that you are happier.