OK.. so myself and my boyfriend are 23 years old, we've been together for nearly 2 years and live together. I've never been with anyone I loved, got along with, and enjoyed being with as much as I do him. We (normally, well previously) joke and have fun and are very physically compatible as well.

But l been this one bone of contention between us... as the title suggests he won't or can't say "i love you." not even "love you too" when I put myself out there. Now I know guys don't like to talk about themselves, and I myself am not the kind of girl who likes to sit around talking about feelings and mush. But I can't get past this. I've been rationalizing that actions speak louder than words (which I believe is very true) but this makes it even more confusing. If he acts it every day and in pretty much every way how come he can't SAY it. Not even ONCE. There's always "i care very deepy for you" and "i like spending time with you more than anyone else" which just makes me angry, because I don't want to be his friend or someone he just enjoys "spending time with" (though he refers to me as his girlfriend to others. Yay.)

I've confronted him about this and he usually gets defensive and upset/freaked. I ask "do you love me?" he says "i dont know. i dont want to be lying if i dont" which I interpret as if he doesn't know by now than he doesn't. But he also says he wouldn't act in a way he doesn't feel. Which is just ****ing confusing. I'm getting paranoid about what his motives are, if he doesn't love me why is he with me and why has he been this way,and if everything we had was/is a lie. We've had this fight before and I let it go, but this last round... I can't let it go anymore. I know I've been cold and avoidant to him the past few days, while he tries to go on like everything is normal, but I don't know how I'm supposed to act around him if he doesn't love me, because if he really did and knew this hurt me so bad wouldn't he try to figure it out? Or is it just simply I care more about him than he does me?

I'm his first "serious" relationship, he has severe social anxiety disorder (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder) and is about to go into counseling for it (hes been medicated before but isn't now) I want nothing more than to be with him and am devastated and will be more so if this continues on this path of destruction. Its just something I need to hear. At least once.

Sorry this post has become a novel. Any insight appreciated.. thanks.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

Maybe he doesn't know if he loves you.
Maybe he enjoys being with you, is happy with you really cares for you but honestly doesn't know if he loves you or doesn't love you.

Stop pressuring him for something he may not be able to give,
Then you decide if you can and want to live with what you have.

Anyone can say "I love you," but sometimes actions do speak louder than words. Let up a little.

I agree with the above posters. Some people actually do take the time to really make sure before jumping into saying I love you. The words I love you have been so miss interpreted that it hardly means anything anymore (my opinion)

To see someone actually take the time and realize this for himself is actually very respectful. If he is your boyfriend and he says you're his girldfriend then there is nothing to worry about. Just because he doesn't say I love you doesn't mean he doesn't care the same. Give him time and don't stress on this. Give him the time he wants and continue being happy with each other.

Rick

He loves you enough to be honest so you can let this be a wedge issue, or let it lead to a conversation about his ideas about love, and relationships.

Your choice. Get mad, or get curious.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

He loves you enough to be honest so you can let this be a wedge issue, or let it lead to a conversation about his ideas about love, and relationships.

Your choice. Get mad, or get curious.

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"I love you "is sometimes a cliché. His actions speak louder than a thousand "I Love You".

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

"I love you "is sometimes a cliche. His actions speak louder than a thousand "I Love You".

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Your right, but what puzzles me is living out love, yet not being able to say to someone that you do in fact love them. As far as "getting curious" whenever I bring up anything of this nature regarding the finer points of our relationship he's just shrugs and completely closes down. And no, I'm not pressuring him, I've brought this up twice in two years. Im not someone who wants to hear it all the time because yes, actions speak louder than words, but NEVER hearing it even ONCE is pretty suspicious to me. It makes me wonder if I came into his life and he's just rolling with it because its nice until something better comes along.

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Originally Posted by vivaletigre

your right, but what puzzles me is living out love, yet not being able to say to someone that you do in fact love them. as far as "getting curious" whenever i bring up anything of this nature regarding the finer points of our relationship hes just shrugs and completely closes down. and no, im not pressuring him, ive brought this up twice in two years. Im not someone who wants to hear it all the time because yes, actions speak louder than words, but NEVER hearing it even ONCE is pretty suspicious to me. It makes me wonder if i came into his life and hes just rolling with it because its nice until something better comes along.

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Sometimes it's hard for some men to say it. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Give him time. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be there.:)

Yup,

Words are words. Actions are what's important.
Are you happy with him? All else good? If so, then...

He may not be like you. And if he truly has anxiety, then that could be part of it. He may not be a good communicator, especially under pressure.

But if he wants a nice relationship, he better learn.

How about enjoying each other.

Hell, my ex only said it to appease me.

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It makes me wonder if I came into his life and he's just rolling with it because its nice until something better comes along.

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That's your fear talking, you need reassurance. I understand, but maybe he is struggling with his feelings, and honestly may not know how he feels really deep down. Maybe he has never said the words to any one. Keep talking without confronting.

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I ask "do you love me?" he says "i dont know. i dont want to be lying if i dont" which I interpret as if he doesn't know by now than he doesn't. But he also says he wouldn't act in a way he doesn't feel. Which is just ****ing confusing.

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Maybe the communications between you is off, and needs to be better developed.

The 5 Love Languages? | Five Love Languages

Take the quiz. Let me know if there are some useful insights.

Some people say.

Screw art, let dance.

Make sure to whisper in each others ears during. And laugh.

I have to agree with the above posted... some men have a harder time saying it then others... he may care for you deeply.. love is an emotion... not a word... my suspicion is that if you keep pressing this you could push him away... you have a good thing going and because he hasn't said it doesn't mean that he won't... because he doesn't fit what we conventionally see as a normal timetable for being able to say it doesn't make it suspicious

As I said before, actions speak louder than words. I've known men who hug and kiss their wives and say I love you fifty times a day. Some of those men and women treat each other horribly.

Words are just that.words. Showing love is what counts.

Perhaps he doesn't beause he doesn't feel it as yet, there's no hard and fast rule that says after so long a person is obliged to say I Love You, let him come to him naturally, the more you mention it the harder it'll be for him to say it. Its much better if its his idea too...