Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend wants space, how do I give it to him?

Hello, My boyfriend(22) and I(21) have been together for 1 yr and 6 months. He recently told me that he wants space. He told me that he loves and doesn't want to break up with me, but he wants his space. I truly in love with my boyfriend. We have tried the whole space thing before twice, and we always end up spending time together.because we both want it. Now this past Monday when he told me that he wanted his space, he also told me that he has mixed feeling (that scared me) I asked him. "mixed feelings, as in just friends or more than friends" he said more than friends, pretty clear. But he also told me that whenever I text him and call him, that recently he started feeling like he didn't want to talk to me. (that just hurt me and I started crying) He told me that he want time for himself, he wants to go out with his friends at times. He tell me to go out with my friends as well but the truth is, since High school I lost touch with them. ( I have no friends) and well he is the only one that I hang out with. And it hurt me to know that he wants less of me, because that is what space is.

I guess the reason why he wants space too is because is has been stressed out with bills and work, and well there are times when we don't have sex for weeks. (2 or 3 tops) but he says that the less he has sex, the better he is at concentrating on his job and doing other things like playing sports. I get mad because I want it more than he does, but I can learn to live with it. Bottom line, he is stressed about paying his bills and not having enough money. I try to be understanding about it. And I try to help him. But he doesn't want my help. I tell him that ill lend him money and he won't take it. At times it looks like he doesn't even see how hard I try.

Now the space thing is something hard for me, because we or at least I am so used to texting him and calling him multiple times during the day and then out of the nowhere just stopping, and waiting for his call its hard for me. He calls me once a day and texts a bit. I want to be an understanding girlfriend and I want to be there for him. And I don't want to be selfish, but I do not know why it is that I need crave his attention so much. I mean even when we speak on the phone for a couple of minutes its not enough, I still feel lonely. I don't want to tell him because I want him to really get his space. Like I do so much for him as well, I cook for him at times and I even take care of him when he is sick, I don't know what I would do with out him, I just love him so much. He does as well. But at the end of a long hard day I just want to feel assurance that he always going to be there, I want him to see that I'm trying, I want him to tell me that he loves me,and actually meaning it with out me saying it first. I want him to hug me and hold me tight so we can feel eachothers love. I want to kiss him passionatly.. He stopped kissing me a lot, about a year ago. Like last September. But its OK I see past it. Maybe if he gave me all that, maybe just maybe I won't crave his attention so much. He is always on my mind. I know that at the end of the day he probably just wants to sleep, but I just want to control myself from focusing so much on him. I try doing other things like running at the park but he lives near the park, and I end up calling him telling him I'm near by. ( but I don't stop by)

I want to give him his space without me sufficating him, I don't want to call him so much or text him or see him a lot. For this past week I think I have done all right because I have only texted him when he texts me or calls me first, until today. I blew up his phone. :(

We came to an agreement that I will only see hiim 1 or 2 times a week, and that I will wait for his call or text. But since he plays softball with my cousin she wants me to be at all the games and practices, and that means that I will be seeing him about 3 times a week. But not alone, and when I see him I mean I want to have alone time with him. If were going to only see each other 2 times a week it should be worth it right! So in other words I have not had any alone time with him for about 3 weeknds. And this up coming weekend I told him that I wanted to see him and just spend quality time together, I told him that I could cook him something and we can spend time at his house and it just seemed like he didn't want that. And it got me sad.

Please help me, ill take all the advice I can get because I want to make this work, I want to be there for his time of need. Because he is stressed out,
Thank you :)

Hi- I think you should try leaving him on his own for a couple of weeks-give him a chance to miss you.If he truly loves you he'll get in touch-if he doesnt-I think you should try to move on.

But he calls me everyday, we are still together.
Should I leave him alone for a couple of days? I should break up with him then?

I think I would break his heart if I were to do that to him, I just want advice on what to do, for the mean while that he has his space, I want to be a supportive girlfriend, not get leave in his time of need. (breaking up not an option)

Honey in a relationship its about both people-this seems to be a lot about him and not enough about you.Threee weeks ago I left my partner of two years because he could not meet what I feel are equal needs in a relationship.Do I hurt?Very much. But Im doing the NC thing-see stickies_and in my case I know its over.I just think you need some space.

You can't allow your world to revolve around him.You have to get out and make new friends.You have to have a life and create your own sense of happiness and assurance by yourself.Alone need not equal lonely.

Take an adult class,something you have always wanted to learn but never had the time ,now you do.Go to the gym.

Volunteer your time at a shelter or nursing home,do something that is going to enhance your life by yourself.

Being needy and clingy is not an attractive trait.

I don't don't know one man and I have two adult grown sons and three brothers and 11 nephews that likes a clingy woman.

It is right up there on the top of mens what I hate most about women list.

Being independent and sure of yourself is a very attractive trait.

I think he could compromise on the not talking everyday.There is no reason why he can't text you ,say at 11 every night to spend 2 minutes giving you the reassurance you need.

What it is that you are afraid of? That he will just gradually slip away?

The bottom line is you can't make him a priority in your life.You must think of you and how you can have a fulfilling life without him by your side.

You need to ask yourself if he is able to give you the emotional reinforcement you need.You need to ask yourself if your expectations for the relationship are realistic and finally how can you learn to enjoy a life independent of his.

I am sure there were times he wanted to shout at you *Get a life* but he was too kind so he is just asking for space.

I think he cares for you but if you continue to smother him,you will push him away.

Get out and get busy and have some fun,you are too young to be sitting home waiting for your only release from boredom. :)

I actually am a full time student in Calstate LA. But I do not work. I don't just stay at home not doing anything. Im taking a break from school.
Nevertheless, I do appreciate everyone's feedback.

Good luck take care.

Sometimes you have to back up, and have your own life, to keep you from going overboard with waiting for someone to call, or text.

But its about you BOTH making adjustments, and as a guy calling and texting is just too much, but once a day would work for me. As you said, he has other things on his plate to deal with.

Just a question, do you think your insecure, or needy? Just asking to gauge where your head is at, and if you can make adjustments that's needed. You may have just gotten to used to being in constant contact, and while your on your break, maybe need other things to do, to balance out your life.

I do feel insecure about myself at times.

I think this statement is a good one.From a fellow expert Tal and I think you should ponder on this a bit.

Quote:

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.

It may not apply to you in all aspects but I think it is something to consider.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpyluv214

I actually am a full time student in Calstate LA. But i do not work. I dont just stay at home not doing anything. Im taking a break from school.
Nevertheless, I do appreciate everyones feedback.

Giving space always equals to taking it too,for your ownself.

Create a space of your own,which is only yours,where you don't allow anybody to trespass.Make it your secret place where you just do things for yourself.Am sure there must be things you love doing.If you don't yet,set out on an adventure within yourself and find all those things you want to do.

One fine day,you'll wake up and see a new person looking at you in the mirror--a happy-by-herself,contented,emotionally secure,fun-loving,lively young woman who's just too busy enjoying life to feel dejected or ignored by someone else.

:)Keep smiling.

Awww thank u starry nights. I will take that in consideration, that means a lot.

My relationship with my boyfriend is very similar to yours, we've been together 11 months and he's always wanted his own space.. but never had it. We used to spend every night and most weekends together.. I basically lived at his house. It caused a lot of arguments. But 2 weeks ago he told me I was getting too clingy and I was starting to be a chore to him, which really upset me. We've seen each other a lot less since he's told me that, and now the time we do spend together is so much more fun and he acts like he wants to see me, he never used to do that. At times I feel like I'm under the thumb.. and shouldn't be doing what he wants.. but when I think about it, its making us so much better even though it is hard because when I'm not with him I don't have anything to do, most of my friends have boyfriends as well and are always with them.

I think you should be supportive and give him what he wants because you'll be so much better off in the long run.. He'l soon come round and miss you loads then want to see you more!

My relationship with my boyfriend is very similar to yours, we've been together 11 months and he's always wanted his own space.. but never had it. We used to spend every night and most weekends together.. I basically lived at his house. It caused a lot of arguments. But 2 weeks ago he told me I was getting too clingy and I was starting to be a chore to him, which really upset me. We've seen each other a lot less since he's told me that, and now the time we do spend together is so much more fun and he acts like he wants to see me, he never used to do that. At times I feel like I'm under the thumb.. and shouldn't be doing what he wants.. but when I think about it, its making us so much better even though it is hard because when I'm not with him I don't have anything to do, most of my friends have boyfriends as well and are always with them.

I think you should be supportive and give him what he wants because you'll be so much better off in the long run.. He'l soon come round and miss you loads then want to see you more :)

I knew I wasn't the only one going threw this.. thank you that makes me feel a lot better. :)

I can totally relate! I'm actually going through the same issues as you! EXACTLY the same I would say.
And I'm trying so hard!
I know we can do it! We don't need a guy to make us feel complete! :)
So put your head up... and find something to do! I know its hurtss.. and you are dying to contact him every three seconds.
But if he loves you.. In the end everything will be for the better :D