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    Moving in together?

    Asked Oct 7, 2007, 11:44 AM — 28 Answers
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    Hi everyone.. I just want to know what everyone thinks about this.

    I'm almost 20 years old and my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years on Monday =). Right now I live with my cousin in an apartment, but she is graduating in the spring so I need to start looking for a new roomie. My question is, do you think it is a good or bad idea to have my boyfriend move in next year? By the time we move in together, we will have been together 3 years and I will be a junior in college. The apartment I live in right now is 2 bedroom. I think if we moved in together, we would each have our own room just so we can have our privacy when we want it.

    In a way I really want to live with my boyfriend, it would be great to always have him around. But on the otherhand, I don't want to get so sick of him to the point where I don't want to be with him anymore, you know? I could definitely see myself spending the rest of my life with this guy, but I do realize I am young and have a lot of time ahead of me.

    Thoughts, ideas, tips... appreciated =)

    Last edited by I wish; May 19, 2010 at 11:47 AM.
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    28 Answers
    mlmez's Avatar
    mlmez Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #21

    Oct 29, 2007, 02:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mwilliams15
    I absolutely hate the fact that i feel the way i feel right now. Something like this has never happened to me.. and I have never felt pain like this before in my life.

    I went to a halloween party last night with my boyfriend and some other friends. Evidently.. when i was off talking to some of my girl friends.. my boyfriend was grabbing girls butts. I know he was extremely drunk, but in my opinion, there is no excuse at all.

    I confronted him about it. I asked him if he did that and he said that he vaguely remembered it... and all he had to say for himself was that he was sorry.

    My heart feels completely broken.. I don't want to have to hurt like this.. its not fun what so ever.. and I love this guy.. he's been the best thing in the world to me for the past 2 years and this is SO unlike him.. I have no idea if i did anything wrong or what.. Today I've been asking myself.. what did i do for this to happen to me.. does he not find me sexy/attractive anymore.. why would he do something like this...

    I don't know what to do.. I'm angry.. I'm extremely hurt/heartbroken. I don't know if I need to stay and make it work.. or leave him..

    Please help me =( I need to heal this brokenhearted/empty/numb pain ASAP!
    I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. If I were you, I would thank God you weren't already married to him. If he is going to 'grab' other girls butts while your back is turned, than he isn't mature enough for a relationship with you. He is immature, whether he was drunk or not is irrelevant. Usually alcohol brings out real personalities that are restrained otherwise. Be glad you found out when you did, and move on. You deserve a LOYAL man who will treat you with respect, not a man who you cannot trust. Hope this helps!
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    Miroku2010's Avatar
    Miroku2010 Posts: 17, Reputation: 2
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    #22

    Nov 7, 2007, 07:08 AM
    Ok.
    In my opinon I think you should give him another chance. Tell him how you feel so he aviods doing it again. If he continuously does this and it is hurting you, you deserve someone better. I think you should talk to him give him another chance.
    Then get back at me telling us the results and I'll give my best opinon.

    Your welcome ^^
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    mwilliams15's Avatar
    mwilliams15 Posts: 172, Reputation: 24
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    #23

    Nov 7, 2007, 06:55 PM
    Well.. I'm giving him another chance.. I don't know if it's the smartest thing to do or not, but things have actually been really good since that happened. He's been acting extremely nice.. we haven't gotten in 1 fight.. and I'm just trying not to think about it. I told him in the future he is not allowed to drink if that's how he is going to act.. once he earns my trust back I may tell him its okay to have a drink or two.. but he's not getting wasted like that everrrr again in public.
    Thanks for all the input.
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    mwilliams15's Avatar
    mwilliams15 Posts: 172, Reputation: 24
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    #24

    Feb 26, 2008, 10:52 PM
    All my boyfriend wants to do is party
    All right. I need really good, honest, sound advice and maybe even some sympathy because I'm not very happy right now.
    I'm 20, I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years now and I honestly love him so much that it hurts right now. Everything was good, everything was perfect. I liked how he was spontaneous when we met. I never met a guy who swept me off my feet like he did. Everyday, he had something new and amazing for us to go do or see. And his family.. I love his family. They are amazing and they've treated me like part of their family for some time now.
    But
    This school year we've started to have major problems. It's my second year of college and its his first. By the way he's 18 (19 in May). I'm not much of a partier myself. I like to go out every once in a while if its with people I know. Well, he is very social. He wants to go party like every weekend. Sometimes when we go to parties he gets drunk and I have to take care of him. Other times he just acts real crazy and I find it annoying. Well, we've never been to a full blown up kegger at a strangers house. I don't want to go at all. This weekend he wants to go to one. All he talks about lately is how he wants to party or go drink or party with his cousin in another state. This really upsets me because I don't want to do that. I want things to be the way they once were when we did fun things involving US. We go to parties and he ignores me. I've told him this. I've told him I don't like to go and I don't want to. I told him that he ignores me and I want things to be the way they were. He says that I'm being really controlling and he wants to party because he's had a hard week. He says he wants to go make a lot of friends because he just sits in his dorm room. THis summer he says he wants to be a bartender...

    He signed a lease with me when things were pretty good between us. Now I feel like I'm going to get stuck living with someone who is going to hurt me and the only way to keep things good between us is if I say it's okay to go party every weekend even though that is not what I want to do.

    I don't know what to do. I love him. I don't want to break up and see him with someone else it will break my heart. It's so hard to let go of someone you've shared everything with for the past 2 and 1/2 years. I'm so attached that its killing me. But it's killing me more that he just wants us to go party all the time. Partying is not bringing us closer together.. It's pushing me away tha the wants to party, and it's pushing him away that I don't.

    Am I just being a prude? Do I just need to loosen up and go with the flow or do I have every right to be concerned and hurt? I need someone's help.. I can't take it much longer.
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    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #25

    Feb 26, 2008, 11:59 PM
    Being a prude? No... Being blind to your own common sense, yeah, I think so.

    You absolutely must be clear-headed right now. The feelings you are having about what you two used to have... how it used to be... how you "love" him... well, if you let them, those feelings/memories will completely remove your ability to operate in this relationship.

    What I mean is that you can't change him. You can't make last year's relationship into this year's reality. You must must MUST step back and tell yourself out loud what you SEE him doing. Why? Because what he does equates to who he is.

    Your entire post describes a guy you wouldn't START dating right now if you just met him and knew him to be this way, right? Am I right?

    If so, then staying with him, lease or not, it's you deciding to punish yourself. You have to be self-sufficient, confident and independent to truly survive the dating scene. Guys will let you down. They'll do it just by being themselves. Sometimes they'll do things TO you to hurt, other times they'll just do things hurtful, though not particularly AT you... like in this instance.

    Your guy graduated from HS into a partying college boy. It may be a fad, it may not be. Look around, I bet you can spot a LOT of those boys around in this environment.

    You have to be better than this. You need to be strong enough to distance yourself from people who would corrupt you. You can do this without being mean to them, too, though that also will take some strength of character.

    I bet you can do it. Breaking up is hard, but if he's not for you (anymore), well then be HONEST and stop trying to bring back the old days or squelch his current free spirit. Even if you succeeded and he toned down, he'd pretty much just resent you. Won't that be a joyous relationship?

    You're growing/maturing faster than he is some ways, and he wants to party. Are you a prude for not wanting to do the same? Ask yourself, and commit to the answer. If you aren't a party-girl, then you two have simply grown apart.

    Instead of craving the past, make sure you remember it fondly. Think on it from time to time with a good heart, don't let the fact that things change mess up your present, or block you from progressing now toward your awaiting future... probably with a different more mature man.

    And that's OK, if you let it be.
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    mwilliams15's Avatar
    mwilliams15 Posts: 172, Reputation: 24
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    #26

    Feb 27, 2008, 12:11 AM
    Thank you for the response JBeaucaire.
    I know this is incredibly cliché and I hate to be like this but honestly it just hurts so bad and it is killing me inside. I've been making a list why to stay and why to leave.. I just wish that somehow the sourness in the relationship would just go away, but I guess it takes 2 people to accomplish that. Your advice is great, it's just so hard to make that move. Honestly I am scared. I'm scared to be with someone else, I'm scared to see him move on, I'm scared to be alone.. Why am I scared? I have no clue. I guess because he is my first REALLY real love and it eats at me everyday to end it because I know I could benefit from being single, but then again, is that really what I want? I have no clue. I hate it that I'm in this situation.. I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm wandering around in the darkness alone. I know I can't change him. I guess deep down inside I'm hoping he'll change and sweep me off my feet again.

    Sometimes I wish I had that remote from the movie "Click" =)

    Anyone else have any insight to share? I'd love to hear from anyone.
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    ihatewestseneca's Avatar
    ihatewestseneca Posts: 325, Reputation: 67
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    #27

    Feb 27, 2008, 12:41 AM
    I think JBeaucaire summed it up pretty good, if he wants to go out and party and be immature, let him... without you. It'll be hard, but when you do it, you'll be able to see what kind of character he is based on how he takes the news.

    You mention that you're afraid to be alone, that's something that really needs to change, I've heard a lot on this site that you cannot have the best possible relationship unless you can be happily independent. I think that means that you'll find out what you're all about and you'll learn not to change yourself for anyone, and not be afraid to displease someone because you disagree, or have other views about some things.

    I'm trying to the strong independent guy I was before I met my ex, I remember I didn't take crap from anybody, I might have seemed like a jerk, but at least I valued myself as an individual... I didn't change too much when the ex and I started dating, but I can see that I softened up because I fell for her HARD.

    Anyway, don't be afraid, if you can achieve what so many others on this site have achieved/trying to achieve, I'm sure you'll feel much better being in your own shoes, knowing what you know, feeling how you feel, and you won't be afraid to upset anyone, even if you really care about them... this destructive path that he is on is not good for you, you shouldn't have to take care of a drunken mess.
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    ihatewestseneca's Avatar
    ihatewestseneca Posts: 325, Reputation: 67
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    #28

    Feb 27, 2008, 12:43 AM
    BTW, if you do decide to end it, make sure you're straight with him on the reasons you want to end it.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,759, Reputation: 10849
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    #29

    Feb 27, 2008, 09:01 AM
    Things can never go back to the way it was, as you can never be 12 ever again. He is doing what young guys his age do when they get away from home and can do what they want. Okay its not your thing. That's fine, and you must make a choice, go or stay, So either accept what he does, or do what you want, as you have the same rights he does. Or leave him to take care of his own drunk butt. That's the only unfair part as I see it, you taking care of him after he has had too much to drink. You're his partner, not his bodyguard. So express your concerns, but do try to work together, to solve your problems to the benefit of you both. If that can't happen, the relationship will die anyway, no matter if you have a lease or not.
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