Long story short, me and this girl I truly love were together twice before, the last time was the third time... we just broke up on the weekend. Its difficult to say who broke up with who, it was almost like a mutual break up but I was the one who initiated it. When we were apart before we never stopped thinking about each other and we knew eventually we'd get back together, and we did. I know it sounds odd to get with the same person 3 times but I guess its funny how human emotions work...


Anyway, she still says "I love you" to me... and tells me she'll always love me... She says it never goes away and there's people everywhere who love each other but aren't necessarily together. She also tells me that she just wants to be by herself right now... she has a lot of life stuff on her plate so I understand because I saw it first hand for a very long time... On top of that, she tells me she will still be comfortable with doing certain "things" with me, you can guess by the quotation marks what I mean by that. Basically telling me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship but she still wants to be friends because of our long history together and the feelings we share and the last time we broke up I pretty much did the NC thing flawlessly for a good 2 years but still thought about her at times...


I don't know how to take all this... I mean I tried to do the NC thing and failed miserably already, although I know its only been less than a week... I've told her I love you back, because even though I'm upset I do still mean it... I just don't know if this is acceptable... to say stuff like that when you are merely "friends", even if it is true... and also if its even possible for 2 people who were in a highly emotional relationship to still be intimate on occasions... or even truly be friends... we HAVE been friends in the past after breaking up, but this time I think it will be a lot more difficult...


Sorry my thoughts are all over the place, but what I'm asking basically is:


1. Is that truly realistic that 2 people love each other but aren't necessarily together... can "friends" with a past love each other without being in a relationship.

2. Is it proper to tell each other that after the relationship has ended?

3. Is it wise to do "things" with someone you had a real emotionally charged relationship with in the past... can that ever be a good thing?

4. I am a hypocrite in some ways because in another thread I said it never works being friends because of the fact you will fell akward not being able to do the same kind of things around the person... with all of my other ex's this is very true for me, but with this girl I just can't imagine cutting her out of my life completely pretty much like I did last time... CAN we be friends, really?


Thanks in advance

Its you're third breakup,its time to be realistic and go NC,heal and move on.

Don't go for friends,or friends with benefits,its time to close the book now.

We all have lingering feeling over ex, broken relationship, and remaining feelings. We are not perfect, and always have false hope, and missing the lost opportunity. Love is not dying at the exact moment we say goodbye, even though we logically know it is not going anywhere, and have to call end.

That's why we are coming up with NC to sort out the emotions.

To answer your question, yes, I think it is hypocrite, two people called it off, and think still can be together and do certain things together just like normal friends. I am not saint, and I will have seasick if my ex talks about other partners in front of me under the name of friends. So, I cannot be my ex's friends. Plain and simple.

Why on earth do you put yourself on the edge, and test your emotion between friendship and love? It will be torturing to me. I always say goodbye when I mean it, and know I need to let it go forever. It is certainly sad that I know it will be it, and there is hope and no chance I can hold on to, bur it is always clean resolution even though it huts a lot.

I always respect people, who claims that they act like friends after breakup. I am not good at acting, and I cannot do it.

Why are you trying to convince yourself to be your ex's friend?

Eventually you will get tired of torturing each other, with this make up, break up stuff, until one of you breaks the pattern, and says "ENOUGH". Trying to stay friends until you get back together, will never work, and keep you miserable, friends or not.

Don't you think its telling that neither of you knows how to work together to settle the issues you have, and breaking up, and staying friends, is what you have been doing to stay together, without solving what breaks you up in the first place.

That's a mistake you will keep repeating over, and over again, until the problem is solved.

If your so intent on being in each others lives, solve your problems, or at least figure out what they are, and then maybe you can solve them.

I doubt you will, since neither one of you has the coping skills to step back, and see what your really doing to each other.

Yes if they both understand they have to either work together, or leave each other alone. That takes a level of honest communications you don't have. This is all about feelings with you both, and you don't handle it well at all.

Its proper to heal, and recover by leaving each other alone, and doing other things until the feelings are under much better control, and your dependence for each other, that you mistake for love, has come under control, and you can see facts, and not just feelings. What your doing with this love talk after a break up is keeping things the way theey were before the break up, so its never been a proper break up at all, never.

No, its never a good thing to continue to keep old, intense feelings alive, and ignore reality. If thats all you have are just feelings, you will never be able to see, and deal with the facts, which is a true loving healthy relationship requires more than just love feelings to survive. There has to be an honest level of communications to work thru what ever life throws at you. Just going thru the motions with feelings has never worked well for any one as feelings change as we grow, and learn.

Sure, you can after you both have healed, and that may take a long time, but clearly neither of you has ever done that, and though you break up in name, you are still together as friends. Until you leave each other alone, and find out who you are as individuals, you will never be able to help each other grow, or learn to work together. And your not a hypocrite, just misguided

Sorry this got so long, but you both belong in love rehab, because your addicted to each other, in an unhealthy way. That's not love. That dependence. You're way to carried away by intense feelings.

How old are you??

Thanks to everyone for the replies, especially talaniman...

To answer your question I am 25, we first met each other when I was only 17... and your pretty much perfectly right about everything you just said... I have thought the same things in my head but I guess I just didn't want to face it all...

I guess I'm just grasping straws in hopes that we can actually be friends but in reality I do not think it's a possibility...

I am a very emotional guy, its just in my blood... I'm not one of those non-caring types of people, so this is very difficult for me... I'm also a deep thinker which makes it extremely difficult to get over all of this...

So I'm taking it I should go the NC route and forget once and for all?

Exactly! Plus read over threads in this forum and you will start to feel better. It might be a long process, but keep at it!

You can't start a new journey until you take that first step, and NC is only the first step, and the hardest.

You've got to break this vicious circle.

NC will help you detox.

Ok an update... today is the first day of NC, I've fought the urge to text her all day, its extremely difficult based on our emotional past... I'm doing my best not to give in as I know it will only prolong the hurt... Its so hard not to pick up and send a message to that familiar number with how I felt about her...

I deleted and blocked her on Facebook and msn... I put her e-mail on the block list as well... got rid of all pictures on my phone and all messages I got from her through any medium... heck my best friend even deleted and blocked her on fb so there's no connection even indirectly... she's also moving soon and I have no idea of the address which is a good thing... oh and I removed her from my cell phone obviously, the only problem being with my phone even if you delete a name/number from contacts when you go to "send message" that number is saved in there regardless :(

Yesterday I basically told her that the book is closed now, we are out of each others lives forever... I got my stuff back from her and we talked a little bit. So ladies and gentlemen this is the start of my journey with that person completely out of my life once and for all... I hope I can stay strong and stick to NC in the days and weeks to come

Well done,stay strong and come back whenever you need to.
Good luck.

Hey man I feel for you I myself am about to embark on the same difficult task after 3 straight years of living/working together. Like you I wear my emotions on my sleeve and tend to be a deep thinker. NC is gonnabe tough, but good friends (sounds like you have some if he took her off FB too) and a lot of time heal all wounds. Good luck to you man

I know very well how great NC works as I did it quite well for almost 3 years with a girl until last year when it was broken when she called and we tried to make it work again, well obviously it didn't... that 3 years ago for some reason it was semi-easy for me to break all contact and forget about her, only took a week or so, and I didn't think about her at all and had zero wish to speak to her or know anything about what she was doing... THIS time its incredibly difficult, and I mean INCREDIBLY difficult... given that any break up is, throw obsessive compulsive disorder into the mix where you think about and over analyze everything even the most ridiculous things from way back that aren't even relevant, its driving me nuts and giving me a headache


I do try to stay busy, I go on lots of hikes, drive around, exercise, watch movies, play games, hang with friends, etc... but even when I do that for some reason I over think too much about this.. and I don't understand the logic of why I'm thinking like it when I should be relieved since all we did was fight/argue every day and it was a very stressful relationship... that after to many times is over for good... I went a few days with NC but then I caved in and sent a text, I'm trying to avoid this and it's a lot harder than it was years ago... any tips on how to stop thinking so deeply and maintaning NC

There are a lot of stickies at the top of the forum that will really help you. Best of luck, I know it's hard :(

You need to try doing some self affirmations,tell yourself you're doing the NC because you know the relationship was going no where, that you're doing the right thing, you're doing it to improve yourself and your future relationships, you know you're worth more, you want a better future, and doing the NC is the way to get that.

Also tell yourself I am strong I am doing what's needed I am determined I am capable I will get through this period in my life and I will become a better person.

I am strong, I am good, anything that reinforces your decision is good for you so keep telling yourself this...

Thank you very much for the kind and encouraging responses... I've been through this before with the same person and as I said it seemed so much easier in the past.. this time it just racks my brain... and logically I don't understand why this time..


It was unhealthy... fighting and arguing all the time, assumptions and accusations, everything I did or said would cause some kind of bickering even if it was something positive.. I know I deserve much better and that much better is out there as I've experienced it in the past..


I know after the ridiculous number of FOUR times trying that I was better off with her out of my life in the past and I was fine with it, didn't even give her a thought and ignored whenever she'd try to get in touch with me by any means... I just need to figure out how to get back in that zone... I forgot to mention that I have OCD as well which makes it a tad more difficult than for the average person

I think you felt good for a while, and then something triggered your emotions, perhaps guilt over breaking NC. No worries, just start NC again, and be more aware of those weak moments. If you look at it, you did quite well for a time, and just have to restart the process, and do even better this time.

I'll start this post by saying that I suffer from extreme obsessive compulsive disorder... I have made a few posts in the past pertaining to this issue with this person, my ex... It was a very odd situation as we were together FOUR times throughout 8 years, the most recent 2 times being in the past year... the 2nd time being about 6 years ago, first time 8 years ago... and there were a few times between where things happened... but there was a few periods of a couple years at a time where we had no contact at all and I was perfectly fine with it, I never paid her any mind... I harboured a lot of resentment towards this person after the last time we "met" over 2 years ago, but I had learned to forgive and forget and believe in the change people can make in themselves when we started back again last year... Here is where I'm left now though...


Back in March I broke up with her, we kept contact for a whole month after that without hanging out and then jumped back into a fourth time after being friends again for a few weeks... About a month and a half ago we broke up... To be more detailed about the relationship... This person had extreme trust and insecurity issues, she would always assume I was doing things with girls or another ex when I wasn't and always thought if I would go home on the internet or if I was using my phone that I was talking to other girls... She always said it 'conflicted' when I'd see my friends, which are very important to me. The problem was ANY time would 'conflict' with our time together, so basically I could never see my friends. There was a time where 2 of my longest friends wanted me to come out with them to have a few drinks at the bar and she made a huge deal out of it and guilted me until I invited her along even though my friends didn't want her to come because they knew it would turn into us having a huge argument and ruining the night as always... We would fight and argue on a daily basis, and I mean CONSTANTLY, even about the most minuscule things. She wanted me around her every day, wanted me to be with her in the mornings, in the afternoons after she was done school... all evening and to stay over every single night... and when I wasn't with her she wanted to be texting back and forth non stop and always assumed there was something wrong if I didn't respond IMMEDIATELY... She was extremely obsessive and possessive and clingy... I hated this and nothing had changed from the 3rd time to the 4th time we tried it... She didn't want me to work it seemed, she would complain about any shift I could get...


Anyway, we broke up the second week of June... We had a few days apart and she was thinking and ended up breaking up with me on the Monday after the weekend. She had the audacity to say that I should think about how I am to her and that she "see's the same sh*t"... meanwhile I wasn't the one providing the unhealthy part of the relationship. I had never been in a situation where someone was so attached before where every thing in their life had revolved around me. My problem is that after the break up, I became the one who was obsessed about it, largely due to my OCD issue. By that I don't mean that I try to contact her or see her or anything like that, I do not want to get her back as history has proven many times it will never work. But I find myself thinking about it day and night and analyzing and picking apart every little thing, not even just from the past 2 recent relationships with this person but even the ones from YEARS ago. A break up is always bad but throw extreme OCD in the mix and it's a nightmare. It so bad that I feel detached sometimes from being in the moment, I just get caught up in an infinte loop of thinking over and over about the most meaningless things to do with her. I guess I'm just here asking for both peoples opinions on how the relationship was as I've described it and suggestions on things maybe to think about to keep my mind occupied, how do I let go of this? Its truly ruining my life... The irony being that I wasn't like this when I was with her, she was... and before she broke up with me, on the Friday of that weekend I'd considered breaking up with her but did not due to a promise I'd made since the last time...

I think the biggest problem here is that you compromised and contradicted YOURSELF in order to be in a relationship with this girl. You went against your instincts and better nature rekindle/maintain a relationship with her. You knew after the first break-up, maybe even before then that she wasn't right for you. But you ignored your instincts, and continued on despite yourself.

All that's left to now is find yourself again, and breathe life back into that part of you that you were forced to neglect due to your decision to continue in a relationship with her. And it won't be easy.

Really, only a couple people know this about me, but I also struggle with a bit of an OCD. When I was younger it involved elaborate rituals and huge facial tics. Now it's just deliberate breathing and mental exercises (occasional fixations). Nonetheless, it's still THERE, you know? And situations like the one you describe, probably aren't the best places to experience any kind of OCD.

But you got to work through it.

You don't have to have a woman in your life to validate you. Find the things that make you happy.

Don't relinquish your identity for anyone.

This forum is to help you find a way to get through what is bothering you.

The people here are from all different walks of life. Doctors, Lawyers, Psychologist. Keep posting.