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-   -   Affair over? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=132149)

  • Sep 21, 2007, 12:25 PM
    ham48
    Affair over?
    While not married, my girlfriend and I have lived together for 7 years now. We are officially engaged, but she has put off marriage for financial reasons that I can understand. This summer though, she had an affair. I finally figured it out from all the lies, working late, needing to be "alone" , etc. There were also a lot of other signs that something was going on including a forgotten birthday and a very indifferent attitude. Anyway I finally confronted her with my suspicions and she denied it totally. Okay, but the next weekend she had to have some "alone time" again and when she came home she had obviously not been alone. Confrontation again and denial once again.
    About 4 weeks ago all of this suddenly ended. She became friendly, talkative and our sex life became much better than before. She appears to be going where she says she is and doing what she says she is going to do, etc, and communication seems to be good once again. Now I don't want to seem really clueless here, but is this a sign that the affair is over? Or, has my confrontation simply driven it underground? Or are we on the way to recovery? It's very difficult to talk with her about something that never "happened" so I can't seem to get the subject opened up with her. Not sure whether to pack my bags or not at this point. Still taking a wait and see position.
    Thanks
  • Sep 21, 2007, 12:52 PM
    smoothy
    Its over... if she's running around on you now do you honestly think she would stop if she was married?

    Now the question can you forget about it... that will be an indication of if you should stay or go. Otherwise its going to be a major issue for a long time to come.
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:11 PM
    macksmom
    If you honestly think she was having an affair... it seems that its over now. Her actions are now solely concentrated on you, and not spread between 2 men.

    But you are not on the road to recovery... you can't recover if she hasn't admitted to doing anything wrong.

    And you need to think... at this point, if she was in fact having an affair, she thinks she got away with it. What makes you think she won't assume she can get away with it again once you're married?
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:33 PM
    ham48
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by macksmom
    If you honestly think she was having an affair...it seems that its over now. Her actions are now solely concentrated on you, and not spread between 2 men.

    But you are not on the road to recovery.....you can't recover if she hasn't admitted to doing anything wrong.

    And you need to think...at this point, if she was in fact having an affair, she thinks she got away with it. What makes you think she won't assume she can get away with it again once you're married?

    Thanks for your resonse. She did get caught and she ended it immediately after I called her on her last escapade. It's upsetting that she didn't admit it though. The bad tooth explanation for her breath was laughably weak and I'm sure she knew she was busted. By the way, I've never smelled it since. Still, if she's out shopping around or messing around then trust becomes a serious issue. I wish I knew some way to get her to talk to me about it. Otherwise trust may be defining and ending factor of what I thought was a really good relationship.
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:39 PM
    macksmom
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ham48
    I wish I knew some way to get her to talk to me about it. Otherwise trust may be defining and ending factor of what I thought was a really good relationship.

    You need to tell her this!!

    If you are 100% sure she was having an affair, and there is no doubt in your mind that she was lying about it, you need to sit her down and talk to her.

    She may be afraid to "come clean" in fear of losing you.

    If you sit her down and talk to her, tell her you know she was having an affair, but that you want to work through it, that might give her enough safegaurd to fess up about it.

    Only when she admits to the affair can you both begin to rebuild your relationship.
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:41 PM
    J_9
    Regardless the relationship is over. Relationships are about trust and communication. I don't see either one of those in this relationship.

    If she won't communicate about your fears and concerns, she is not into this relationship as much as you think she may be. If it's not talked about and handled properly, you will build anger and resentment in years to come, if not sooner.

    Apparently she does not want to make this relationship work if she won't admit this to you and communicate with you.
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:55 PM
    ham48
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by macksmom
    You need to tell her this!!!!

    If you are 100% sure she was having an affair, and there is no doubt in your mind that she was lying about it, you need to sit her down and talk to her.

    She may be afraid to "come clean" in fear of losing you.

    If you sit her down and talk to her, tell her you know she was having an affair, but that you want to work through it, that might give her enough safegaurd to fess up about it.

    Only when she admits to the affair can you both begin to rebuild your relationship.

    I will give that an honest try this weekend. I really would like to save this relationship and I really do love her or I wouldn't still be hanging around at this point. As to whether she had an affair, if she had the list of "affair symptoms" posted right in front of her she couldn't have followed it better. The only thing I didn't do was actually catch them together, guess I blew the whistle too soon for that. Trust is so important that it may really be the deciding factor in whether we go on or not. We'll see what happens.
    Thank you
  • Sep 21, 2007, 01:57 PM
    macksmom
    Well good luck :)
  • Sep 21, 2007, 03:08 PM
    LivingtheLifeinFLA
    What you need to do is put a gps tracker in her car. They are available at spy shops. Then track her to see if she's telling the truth and where she is for the next few months.

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