Losing myself or losing my life
Hi all, this is a long one so please bear with me. I got married at 19 to a man who’s 20 years older and we have six children. We have been married 19 years. Where do I start... apart from him changing nappies when the children were younger he does not engage with the children at all. He basically left the upbringing of the children to me. My youngest child is 9 and eldest is 17. I have been so focused on raising the kids that I failed to take stock of how he has been treating me. He has never once in all the years we have been married taken me out for a romantic meal, he does not buy me gifts on my birthday or an anniversary all I get is a card and that’s it. I didn’t even receive a card this valentine’s day! The children do not even miss him when he goes away on his regular business trips. When he’s at home all he does is watch television, talk on the phone, sleep and eat.
I have a full time job which enables me to pay for things my children need and some bills, he pays all the utility bills and rent and I take care of the rest and ensure that the kids are happy and doing well in school. He has never attended a parents evening at the kids school nor does he know the kids’ teachers everything is down to me.
I told him towards the end of last year that I’d had enough and that I am not in love with him anymore and want a separation. He cried and begged for forgiveness vowing to change and be involved in the children’s lives. He said he would try harder to be a better husband and father and that he would not be able to cope without me, he will kill himself if I ever leave him.
There has to be more to life than being unhappy daily. My kids and job keep me occupied so I just get on with life as best I can but when I am alone in my room is when I think and fall apart. I don’t want another man; I just want to be happy. I am a single parent within a marriage so what is the point remaining in the marriage. He says he loves me more than ever and that he will do anything for me and the children. The children don’t even care if he’s around or not, they only talk to him on the phone when I ask them, they tell me they have nothing to say to him as he does not do anything with them and is not interested in what they do. My eldest have even asked why he just doesn’t leave as he is useless in the house. The house is falling apart but he will not do anything until he decides it’s the right time. He does what he want, when he wants and I am so tired of arguing that I just go with the flow to keep the peace. I have even contemplated ending it all just to be at peace but I couldn’t hurt my children because I am all they have to depend upon.
He does not support me in anything I do, he always has a reason why I shouldn’t do something I like and I have to fight my corner to do even go to the gym! He sulks when I go for a walk or just want to have some me time. I have kept everyone in my house happy for 19 yrs but I have no one to turn to. I am losing my mind trying to keep up a happy exterior for the world whilst dying inside.
I have started having dark thoughts again about ending it all and this is my last resort for advice on how to proceed and find peace. I want to be a happy mother for my children and a happy woman for myself. I haven’t felt like a woman in over a decade. I want out of this marriage for my sanity but how can I leave when he uses emotional blackmail to keep me. He tells me he is nothing without me and all he does is for the family but he does not engage with his family and his family does not even miss him when he is away, if anything, it is a relief for us all when he goes away and we fret when he returns. Help me please, I fear I may lose it and end it all because my mental state at the moment is more fragile than ever. I don't know how much longer I can play good wife and continue letting him have sex with me as he makes my skin crawl each time he touches me.