Identifying disrespectful behaviors
I was dating a guy for close to two months. When we started dating, he clearly mentioned that he was not looking for a relationship, and that he wants to form a companionship and see where things went. I was in agreement, and I told him clearly that I was not looking for sex or a friends with benefits set up, and he was in agreement too. On the first date itself I noticed a red flag, where I was talking about myself and he disrupted and changed the topic. I raised my concern and he said I am being dramatic. However, we resolved the conflict and proceeded further. Clearly we both were attracted to each other, and we had a great time together. He started behaving like this was a relationship and he told me that he would like to step up and that he doesn't want to mess this up. After 3 dates and after we had sex, he came back and told me that he cannot be in a relationship, because his priorities are all over the place, and that he needs to figure out what he wanted in life. However, he would like to be friends. We stayed friends. I clearly asked him if I was his sex buddy, and he was like 'I am not in this for sex'. We agreed to be exclusive. He would call me everyday and talk to me mainly about his day, his life, his past, his plans etc. And things progressed again and took the form of a relationship. He would never ask about me, but always talk about himself. He would come over to meet me (2-3 times a week), we go for walks, he sleeps over at my place, he spent the weekend with me for my birthday and got me gifts, however any time I raise a concern about any simple thing, he dismisses saying I am being dramatic. He doesn't usually text. He calls whenever he gets the chance, and I never complained. But when his calls reduced, I asked politely if he could drop me a text when he is busy, he was like he is not that kind of a person, and I felt bad. When I said i felt bad, he replied saying 'you are not my girlfriend that I should keep sending you texts about my whereabouts'. And later, he would be fine, he would treat me well again, and calls me and talks to me and says things like - 'I don't really express a lot, but I genuinely care for you'. And he also acts on my complaints, he texts or calls and says 'you are not dramatic, I know sometimes I don't express things well'. He used to tell me that 'You are different, one of a kind, special, I would never hurt you even if things end between us, and I want to be in touch with you always, because you are really nice'. He seemed always confused about what he wanted in life, he wanted to be dentist, or become a bartender, or move to downtown because he loved downtown and he believed his life was there. He also talked bad about all his exes, and he had told me that he never got attached to anyone, and that he doesn't believe in love. He is an emotional guy from within, he loves his mom and sister a lot and does anything for them, but he has put a shield around him and he doesn't get attached to anyone for whatever life experiences that he went through. However, he needs someone, he misses a companionship, that's what I understood from his past stories. Also, when he was not with anyone, he slept with 100s of women. He was open about his past and he somehow felt comfortable sharing everything about him to me, because I never judged him and accepted him for who he was. The concern about him not wanting a relationship as per my understanding was that he was not sure if he is going to be in this country all his life. When I asked if he would find a better option, and if he would tell me, he replied saying - if i am willing to be in a relation, why not it be with you, why would i be with someone else, I am happy with what I have, and I am not looking for better options (all during the initial stages).
After a while, he found a new job (which was different from all the jobs that he said he wanted to do), and he got extremely busy and he started to pull away. I raised a concern asking if he would still have enough time for me (I didn't mean every day, for me I wanted to feel that I was a part of his life, even if he can't meet me at all for a month, I would understand if he made me feel that he is busy but we were in this together). But I knew we were not in a relationship, and every time I raised a concern he dismissed them saying I am drama, and that we were not in a relation. However, a lot of other times he also referred to whatever that we had as a relation, and me as 'my girl', and that he wanted to stay with me for some days before he moved to his new place downtown. After he pulled away, and I brought this up, he sent me a text saying 'I am sorry I can't do this anymore'. I was shocked. I hadn't seen that coming. And I tried to convince him but he said he has no time for a relation and that he is extremely busy. I asked if he could come and talk to me like a friend at least because I was feeling miserable. He said he was busy. After 4 days, he reached out to me asking how I am doing, and in my head I scared him away and I had taken all the blames for him leaving me, so I talked very normally. He called me and talked as if nothing changed. I got confused. He still called me here and there, and when I asked questions for more clarity, because I didn't know where I stood in his life, he would get annoyed, and told me that I am complaining and that conversations with me in the last one or two weeks have not been interesting. And he told me that he moved to a new place (not downtown, but somewhere very far in the outskirts of the city), I was previously looking for places for him to move, and I was not even informed of this move. He apparently made some new friends (previously he had no friends and I was the only companion). To my surprise and as a response to my question related my confusing stance in his life, he called and he apologized for flipping things 180, and agreed that he behaved like a douche, and explained his situation to me, and he was like he would come by and talk to me and that we would make this work slowly, and asked if I could search for a new car, because that will let him come and stay with me. I felt happy again, because it sounded like his old self. Again he goes MIA, and I try reaching out to him to ask for car details, he wouldn't respond. He calls me in between and says things like 'you should see other people, because you want a relation, and I say I do not, but I need to be felt present in your life'. He said things like, you are not independent, you are alone you should go back to your home country, just because you slept with me I don't think I should let you know what keeps me busy'. In all honesty, I don't blow up his phone with texts - i hardly send him a text - except for the last week where I sent multiple texts because he pulled away completely, and I was looking for answers. I don't call him. I answer whenever he calls, and I expresses my concern when we talk. But these statements, made me feel like I am causing all the problems and causing him to run away. I felt like he had all the power, and gave him the impression that I am available here for you no matter what or how you treat me. and I was putting up with things because I was scared of losing him. I accept that I was insecure and I behaved showing extremely low level of self worth. And after all these, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me anymore, because he met someone in the last week (the new place he moved to where he got new friends and one of them is a girl) and they vibe well and she speaks his same language. I was devastated, and I was crying over the phone. The thing is even after he met her, he was asking me to search for cars, and other tools for his new job, and a mattress because he was moving to this new place, because I have done things for him in the past. And I asked about all the promises and statements he made, and he was like 'what promises? We weren't even anything to have a break up, we were nothing to begin with. Now do you want to start a blame game or you wanna commit suicide? what do you want? I have found someone else, and I am happy in my life and I have moved on, and I have no life in downtown'.
So I realized that I am not needed in his life anymore. He has new friends, and he is not alone anymore. After the call, he blocked me on whatsapp (though I didn't send him any messages or called him). The guy who said he wanted to be friends with me even if things ended, blocked me because I questioned why he ended things with me. He kept saying that it won't work, because it is long distance, and that I live far and he lives close to the same place as before but it has become long distance now, plus he also met someone new. I said I would go to his place, if he is busy to come to mine. And he was like, how is it possible to come everyday like that, no it won't work. He was the one who said he has no time for relationships, but he met someone new and he wants to take things with her. When I think about all these, I realize that probably I should have walked away long time ago, but I can't stop blaming myself for things going wrong. But, if I ask myself I only had silly demands, like being communicative enough, or to not take for granted, or to not feel that I don't exist for him. I never expected him to text me or call me 24*7, and in fact we never texted at all, and I never complained because I understood he was not a texter. I am sensitive and emotional. Did I ignore red flags? I am finding it a bit difficult to understand the disrespectful behaviors which I should have considered earlier to walk away? Or is it completely my fault for expecting things when he had clearly mentioned that he didn't want a relationship even though I was still NOT expecting him to be my bf, but I did expect that we dated like a normal couple without labeling things, and hoped some day this turned into something meaningful?