Long distance problems... Its too hard.
I need an answer! I am about to lose my sanity..
I will try to make my email as short as possible.
Back in 2000 I met this guy in college (both were 19 at that time) - and virgins. Now we both are 34 and I still did not lose my virginity as I want to save myself for my husband and obey God. When we both were 22 he moved to US with his mom and I stayed in Asia.
I really love that guy-basically I knew him all my life- we remained friends and he would visit here occasionally- He was last here September 2014. I care so much about him and would do anything for him. He knows how I feel about him and he also told me he loves me.
I was in the USA three months ago for a week (business) and he came from a different state to see me. We spent the weekend together, we never had sex and that is exactly what I want. But we got intimate and he gave me oral (saying I was a good girl for too long) however he refused I do the same for him (that weekend was our first intimate experience together and my first experience to any sort of intimacy! I was never this close and naked with another guy ever before!! ). I am grateful we did not have sex and he fully respected my choice- no pressure at all. He said that he did not want to have sex because he loves me and does not want to hurt me and that he respects me a lot. Since then I went back home and since our weekend together he drifted apart and barely talks to me. He never replies to me texts like he used to or answers my call. It was his idea to come and see me that weekend, I had not asked him to come. I am confused why he came and got that close to me, I feel guilty and hurt. That weekend when I was lying next to him after our physical activity I whispered ‘I need you’ that was how I exactly felt. He got mad, and said I don’t need a guy like him!
He told me he is not 100% committed to me- I mean we are in a very long distance relationship and it too hard for him. It breaks my heart that I don’t even consider seeing anyone, I just sit and wait for him- he knows all that and he calls me his angel. He did mention to me that between (Sept. and Feb) he slept with some girls- and feels guilty, he told me that I am pure and he is sleeping around. I asked him to stop, he said it’s hard for him because we are not doing it and that the space between us is long. But during our weekend last March, I asked him if he loves anyone, he said no. he told me he loves me and that he feels bad for what he does while we are apart.
He says I am perfect and I am an angel. I even remind him of his late mom. He tells me he sees his mom in me. After the weekend he ask me to find a job in his state and be his 'roommate'. I disagreed to be his roommate or move in with him, because I will be too weak and I want to be a virgin. I know I sound lame, But I waited this long and don't want to have any sexual activities before I get married. I feel pressure sometimes, but I keep holding myself.
Sometimes he says he loves me and misses me. But then once he told me that this may not work because I deserve someone better then him! I am a good home maker and he always finds me neat. He complements all that and my MBA degree and what I do at work and my work out routines and how I am so smart and good with money etc etc. he also says that I am perfect and beautiful and after all these complements he says that once I live with him and know him better I will hate him and won't love him anymore. He always talks sweet to me, I know he means it but always ends up his sweet talk by what a girl like you doing with a guy like me. I get so mad at him when he says that and ask him to stop. He does, we hug and I always tell him 'I need you' because for me its deeper then 'I love u' he fumes mad and says I don't need a guy like him and I am better off without him. So really I do not know what he wants. He always tell me I know him too well and that he can talk to me about anything because I have never judged him in my life, not even once. Its very true, because I honor him and respect him.
I need to tell you few things about him. I hate to disclose any private info because I honor him and hate it if people will judge him. He has been living in a damaged family, he grew up with problems between his parents. He lost his mom to cancer about 10 years ago (he was about 23 at that time). He never got over that and he still has problems with his dad, they never spoke since his mom died. When he was 19 he ran away with his mom and sister from his dad and live in a different country.
Please I need your help. I love him and only want him to be happy. I tried to call him last week and he did not answer my phone. I texted him last night he too did not reply.
He has a good job, he is an engineer stable job. I am an aeronautical engineer with MBA for a very big company.
I knew him all my life. I am true to him, I know I would do anything for him. Sometimes, I think I just don't love him because he is mean when he drifts and other days, I miss him too much it kills me. I wake up at night and cry. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He is my first love.
I am so confused and do not understand why he ignores me this hard? Was that weekend such a turn off for him- although it was fun and exciting (this is what he also texted me when he arrived to his place). I regret it so bad and I blame myself for letting him near me like that. I fear God will punish me- I am serious. I cry so hard at night, every night till I fall asleep- one time I taught I was going to faint.
What can I do?
Hurt and confused.