"Do you love me?"/"Do you want to have children?"
Entire story merged
I am 25 years old and in my second serious relationship. I have been seeing "John" exclusively for seven months. We worked together for 5 of those months, so we spent a lot of time together.
I love him. My definition of love: a choice you make every day to care about someone else, to place their needs equal to yours, the desire to see this person grow, be happy, be successful (whatever that means to them). The first time I told him I loved him he told me he "wished he was able to say those words." Apparently he's been hurt in the past... we've all heard this story. Ever since then he just smiles really big and says thank-you.
He is very caring towards me, but it is very important to me to know that he loves me. Or rather, it's important to me that he VOCALIZES this. I know many will say that it doesn't matter if he says it as long as he shows it... maybe for you... but I need to HEAR those words.
Also, I really want to know what he wants in the future, if he wants to get married (in general, not necesarely to me) or have children. I don't know how to bring this up without making him think that I expect to start a family with him soon or even later. I just want to know if that's something that he thinks about, or wants.
I know that I want to eventually get married and start a family. It's something I'm really looking forward to doing later on when I become more financially sound and am in a good place career wise.
All these thoughts keep building up in my head and I'm afraid that if I don't let them out, it'll all just errupt from me at some inappropriate time.
So... I need to know how to ask "Do you love me?" and "Have you ever thought of having a family?" in a man friendly way. And here's a big one: If "John" doesn't want a family life, where do I go from there? Is it a waste of time to be with someone you love for a few years if it means that you are creating more distance between you and the future family you know you want to have?
The relationship timeline.
I've really enjoyed reading all these posts on relationships. I am, however, somewhat taken aback by how many people think that it should take about a year before the "I love yous" come out.
I have not dated much. When I meet someone that I feel good about, I go for it. My instincts have not failed me yet. If you read my previous question, you know that I am on my second serious relationship. The first was with my college sweetheart. It only took 3 months for us to start saying we loved each other. We were together for 3.5 years and ended the relationship when we moved away from each other (him to pursue his Masters, and me to pursue my career). I was sad that it ended, but the long distance just didn't work for us. We still keep in touch with each other via the telephone and visit with each other when we go back home for the holidays.
It took 2 years for me to meet the next guy "John," and I knew within 4 months how I felt about him. I didn't admit how I felt until 7mos in. I am 25 and he is 33 (I have always gotten along much better with older men). In general, readers felt that 7mos was way too early to expect an "I love you" back, let alone begin to talk about "the future."
Is it because I am young/naive/undamaged that I believe I can know I love somebody in 3-4 months? Does it really have to take one YEAR for the "getting to know you/finding out if there is any love here" stage? I cannot ever imagine spending that long with someone and THEN finding out that they don't love me or care to be in a relationship with me anymore.
SO dear reader, in your relationship history, how long was it before you felt love for the other person? How long was it before you thought about having a future with this person? Have you ever been with somebody you loved who wouldn't tell you they loved you back? Have you ever had to break up with someone you loved because they didn't want the same things as you did?
He stays angry for three days
Whenever my boyfriend gets upset or angry about something, he shuts himself off for about three days. He claims that he doesn't know why it takes him that long to get it out of his system. He has gotten this way 3 times over the 8mos I have been with him. The first two times it wasn't about me, but still hurt me because he doesn't want to talk to me or see me when he is in his mood.
This time I made some comment over the phone that upset him. He was talking about how he was thinking of leaving his job and I said something about him not being able to accept that nobody else had the integrity he had (I did not say this in the most sincere tone). He hung up on me. The next day he called to cancel plans we had together the following day. He would hardly speak to me, it took me a while to get what was bothering him out of him, and even after I apologized, he still would hardly speak. I told him how much I didn't understand this behavior and wished that he was able to talk things out and how hurt I felt when he decides to go into hiding like this. Eventually I got tired of talking to myself and told him to call me when he was back to himself.
I do not understand this behavior at all. I talk problems out and then let go. He just holds on to the anger and doesn't seem to let go. He gets physically tense and then goes mute!! He never yells or anything, sometimes I wish he would.
I know that this behavior will not change unless he decides he wants to change it and gets help to do so, and so if I stay with him this is something I will have to deal with.
My question is does anybody have any insight into this sort of behavior? Has anybody had to deal with someone who deals with anger this way? It seems so abnormal to me because I have never seen anybody get like that.