I need motivation to function. I think mental illness may be involved. Thoughts?
I think the answer may vary if my circumstance is fully explained, so I've typed out the general story.
I currently go to a k-12 private school. I transferred from a public school in the ghetto about 3 years ago. And this might seem stupid, but I'm going into my freshman year, but this school has already destroyed any ambitions or dreams I had, made me value grade over health, and caused many mental issues. Which might seem like an overreaction, or maybe me being edgy, but this school diminished thinking like that. This school has made it so its students know too much actual stress over real things that have real consequences to actually have an 'edge lord' or 'emo' phase.
Some parents spend a lot of money to send their kids to this school. If the kids don't do well, a lot of times they're denied things. Things like leaving the house, having any communication to friends (this even happens in school because the parents can contact the school and basically have their child isolated until further notice), and there was one time where my friend was denied dinner after getting a C on a test. Or parents will make it so they cant take some classes so their kids have more study halls, which sounds responsible on paper. But the kid is still responsible for the grade in that class, but they cant be in class to take the notes, so you can see how that poses a problem.
Or students are in a situation like me, where you're in on scholarship. If you're on scholarship you cant let your GPA drop too much because you can get kicked out for it. Which the school likes to dangle over our heads all the time.
So you can see why all of the students are having a difficult time already. But the hellishness of the school doesn't stop there.
We're given an average of 15 assignments a night. One night I had 23 things assigned.
As that might suggest, students get an ungodly low amount of sleep. I, personally, got two hours to 30 minutes of sleep every night. The only reason I survived the past few years is caffeine.
And lets not forget that this is a Christian school. Beliefs, that most of us don't agree with, are constantly shoved down our throats. About half of our school is in the LGBTQA+ community. And do you know what's constantly being preached? "All gays are sinners. All gays will go to hell. God hates gays." etc.. At first you know it's ridiculous, but then you hear it over, and over, and over again. It does things to kids. Because our school seems to forget we're just kids, very impressionable children. I see a lot of people that are becoming extremely destructive because they believe that there's nobody to love them. They think they're so broken not even God will love them.
And then we have the teachers. God, I can't stand the teachers. They seem to forget that they're teaching children. Sure, we might be teenagers, but nobody should be considered an adult at least until they're 25. The teachers tell us their favorites, they force us to pray, they say things like "I'm dissipated in you", they verbally tell us every issue they have with us. We get no praise at all. Just all of this talk about how we're not doing well enough. Not "you can do better". No. Its "Why aren't you doing better. You're slacking off." Even though we're clearly doing all we can because our grades are more important than our health. We don't even have time to get half-decent grades and sleep.
And all of these things combined create a pretty stressful environment. And majority of the students have mental disorders, such as depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, because of this school.
And I'll be honest, this school has crushed everything I lived for. I'm not very smart, so in order to stay in school I need to go the extra mile. I no longer have time for music, art, reading, or just relaxing. I used to have many ambitions and goals, and all of them have been erased. I barely have the motivation to eat. I have no social life and no time to make and keep friends, so I have no support.
Honestly, I've barely scratched the surface. It's summer break and I have less than a month until I go back. I've already started throwing up because I'm too anxious to even digest my food. I've had multiple anxiety attacks, and I'm not even sure how many times I've cried because I just can't take another year.
With all of that being said; how do I find though motivation to go back, even if I barely have the motivation to do basic human functions?
(and I don't know if this has any relevance but I have an anxiety disorder and ADD)
