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-   -   Giving up child? How? What options do I have other than that? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=196319)

  • Mar 19, 2008, 09:47 AM
    Sleepy2006
    Giving up child? How? What options do I have other than that?
    Here's the deal. I am at a loss and I am not sure what to do..
    1. I am the custodial parent my x-husband is the non custodial parent
    Remarried 2005 after living with my now husband since my daughter was 4. We bought a new house 2006 in an upper class neighbor hood to make sure my daughter has a great life.
    2. 2007 my daughter informed us (age 14 now) that she was molested as a child at fathers house by a cousin of his new wife, court date coming up shortly then all of a sudden was brainwashed by her father and wanted to move in with him "?"?"?"?"?" again loss of words. Said OK for a trial period.. He also owes over $10 thou dollars in back child support payments.
    3. She now goes to school there for the last 6 months and almost failing due to lack of going to school, school is already stating that there maybe a court date due to lack of attendance.
    4. I am now the bad person, she doesn't want to visit, call, and if she does all hell breaks loose and she runs away.
    5. She went to counseling but her father stated that it is a waste of time and money (which he doesn't have, he's NOT working his wife is as a security guard . They have 3 more kids and live in a shag with 1200 sqf .)
    6. before al that she was caught smoking in the attic of ours.
    7. She was trying to sell multi vitamins in school as speed and was forced to go to a "special" alternative school by us.
    I have not seen her since Jan. 1 when she started to run away after I told her that she is staying with us again, even to a point that she wanted to jump out of a car that was going 65 miles an hour on the way back to her fathers house, because I wasn't wanting to give her the cell to call her father for 10 min.
    Her father threatened that he would go and petition to get the rights away from me. He hasn't done so to this point, why, because of obvious reason, no money and past due childsupport payments. Also believe that my daughter believes by staying with him he wouldn't have to pay. I still pay for her school lunches, insurance and so forth.

    Now that you know the story somewhat, I am worried beyond my believe, but am contemplating on giving up my rights to protect my husband and myself and especially since I am not sure what else to do at this point but to give them want they want.
    How would that work? Would it work? And I be dammed if I were to have to pay childsupport to his lazy butt. This is what I have found out so far, but not sure if that is really much information what can you guys give me advice and so forth:she said there is a motion/petition you can file regarding custody. As far as you protecting yourself, leaving your daughter with father or letting her stay there does not make you negligent. If something happens during his custody or control while in his care, the negligence would fall on his behalf. However, there are some laws in the county/state of Texas that if a minor commits a criminal act for which civil damages occur, then those damages are recoverable through a lawsuit which would involve both parents. I think that if you want to petition the court to change the status of the parent-child relationship, there could be a way to do it pro se, where you do it yourself and all you do is pay the filing fees. There could also be a waiver of citation where her father would just sign and waive service so you don't have to pay extra to get him served. I know that the child support that he owes you to date will remain until it is paid off even if you give him conservatorship.
    I desperately need some legal help, anything would be great..
    Thanks:confused:
  • Mar 19, 2008, 11:11 AM
    Sleepy2006
    Me again.. besides giving up my right or Voluntary Relinquishment of Parental Rights what other options do I have to protect myself. You all have to understand that I do not want to give up my right at all, but at this time I see no other alternative to protect myself from anything that could happen.. I have no control over the situation anymore, my child, her life, her well being and her father is always up to no good.. and knowing her history of thing and his history of things I am worried that one of these days something will happen and I will be help responsible for something I had no control over.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 01:26 PM
    macksmom
    Well first off... you need to realize what "giving up your rights" consists of. It is NOT a thing to be taken lightly. If you were to give up your rights, it would only be done for your daugthers step mother to adopt her (and that is only if that woman wants to). If that is the case, the step mother would adopt her... and you are NO LONGER seen as her mother in the eyes of the law. You will have NO rights to her... no visitation, no involvement in ANYTHING. And keep in mind it is not something you can reverse. Once you sign away your rights and your child is adopted... that's it.

    That in mind, with the age of the child, if you end up in court the judge is going to take into consideration of what the child wants... but on the same token, if you can show that living with her father is not in her best interest (school, drugs etc)... the judge will rule in the best interest of the child, over what she wants.
    Even if the father were to get sole custody, if he is $10,000 behind in child support, I don't believe you will be require to pay child support until it breaks even (what you would pay equally the back child support owed by him).
    You have quite a few things that play in your favor.
    1. He is behind in support.
    2. Molestation in his care (if charges were filed, otherwise its hearsay)
    3. Failing grades
    4. Not attending school
    5. Drug involvement

    etc... if this all happen while she is with her father, the judge is going to realize that may not be in her best interest to stay there.

    What you need to do... is NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR CHILD. Instead of worrying about possibly having to pay child support... you need to get her some help. She is a child, and you are letting her hold the reigns. She realizes she has control... and you are letting her.

    You are the custodial parent. What you should be doing is going over there, removing her from the fathers house and have her back living with you, and the father getting the visitation that is court ordered. If she doesn't want to come, you get your divorce papers out and call the police and have them help you remove her from the home.

    Bottomline... you should help your daughter, not give up on her.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 01:42 PM
    Sleepy2006
    I do not intend ever to give up on her. That is for sure. Jan 1st she was "visiting" me and after contemplating the situation she is in over there I told her you are staying here. She ran off, I caught her, had to promise her to take her back to her fathers house, on the way to her fathers house she said that she will make my life aand my husbands life a living hell and would do anything in her powers to destroy us, it came to a point as stated above that she was unbuckling her seatbelt and opened the car door on the freeway, almost killing us both.
    She was in counseling sessions which I attended, now if I was sitting in the room with them or in the waiting room I was there, not only to support my daughter, but to also PAY. Most of the summer she stayed with her dad under the agreement that he will go to counseling, he went with her once out of 1o appointments, why? Car problems, money he didn't want to pay since he didn't figure I would show every time or simply because he believes that pills for such a thing are better than talking, which according to him is a waste of time.
    I pulled out the agreement, wrote him certified letters, all of which were returned except one, which was opened by my daughter at their house. I threatened to bring the police, all I got is well I am not forcing her, she stated she will runaway and hurt herself if I make her. Jan. 1st it got to this as well:
    I wouldn't have what I have today if it wasn't for my husband, I am out to get her father and don't care about if his children have a place to live or food to eat, to I am always yelling, abusive and a child beater.. That coming from my child is not right, after all that had happened to her at her fathers house? Saying that my husband now and I will have retarded children due to my medical condition (MS) is seriously rotten.. How much ABUSE can I take? All that I have done and had to do? She doesn't want my help, she doesn't want anyone's help, she needs counseling which she doesn't receive, especially before the trial, stating that HER step mother knows exactly what will happen since she herself had to go through that in the past when she was a child.. Now you tell me, what would you do?
    Has NOTHING to do with child support, yes I do need it, not as much as I did in the past, which why I have also around $10thou in debt when he didn't really pay.. Do I ever expect a dime from him no, but I also do not think that I should be paying him either and support his 3 other kids, because he is to lazy to get a job.
    The counselor had told me that IF she does behave that way to send her to the hospital. Which I had told my daughter several times and probably another reason she doesn't want to come home since she knows that I will take that action if worse comes to worse.. At times I think that sometimes you just have to open the cage and let the birdy fly. Let the birdy experience what it so desperatly wants to in hopes that it will return to safety soon. Counselor also said that I most likely will not have a relationship with her until age 21, or whenever her father believes he is not being forced to pay child support.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 02:15 PM
    stinawords
    All I have are two words for you "Tough Love"
  • Mar 19, 2008, 02:23 PM
    Sleepy2006
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by stinawords
    All I have are two words for you "Tough Love"

    Been there done that and look where it took me? To HELL, and back and back again..
    I've tried EVERYTHING in my powers without going to the extreme of calling or getting the cops involved. Tough Love, sweet love, best friend approach, nothing seems to work, he has brainwashed her in believing that I AM THE BAD person to such a degree that is unbelievably, unimaginable, to a degree when I believe and think that others believe and think that I am lying.. It's incredible.. Hurtful, demeaning, rotten, insane and whatever else I can think of.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 02:24 PM
    macksmom
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Sleepy2006
    Now you tell me, what would you do?

    I would exhaust EVERY resource to get my child out of an unsafe, unstable, unhealthy environment. I would do everything humanly possible to keep her from harms way. Fight me tooth and nail I would I would do what's best for her weather she thinks it is or not.

    You need to realize she is 14... tell me one parent who doesn't have rebellious issues with a 14 year old. Sure, some may have more problems than others but relinquishing your parental rights IS giving up on her. You are washing your hands of a child that is getting too much to handle. But when you're a parent you have to take the good with the bad... the best with the absolute worst.

    When my older sister was in her teens, she ran away, stayed at boys houses until 1am while my mom was working nights to support 4 children on her own with NO child support. My mom took her to the police station and was at her wits end and didn't know where else to turn but the police. They took my sister in a room and let her have it. I know it was just a scare tatic, but it helped straighten her up a bit. My sister now has her own $500,000 home, she is principal of a school, and has her PhD. Now of course this isn't the outcome for everyone, and the methods may need tweeked... but something needs to be done. My sister looks back and thanks my mom for doing what she did even though at the time she hated my mom for it.

    Do you really want your daugther to grow up and resent you for giving up on her? Once she gets out of her teens (when things are always the worst) do you want to end up regretting letting some other woman be her mom and help her through this time?

    If you really don't want to deal with her, then just let the father have full custody and you have visitations. You would have to talk to an attorney to be sure about the child support issue, but I don't think you would owe anything right away since he is so far behind... and for the record, you wouldn't be supporting his other children... you would pay the same amount in child support if he didn't have other children.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 02:36 PM
    Sleepy2006
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by macksmom
    I would exhaust EVERY resource to get my child out of an unsafe, unstable, unhealthy environment. I would do everything humanly possible to keep her from harms way. Fight me tooth and nail I would I would do what's best for her weather she thinks it is or not.

    You need to realize she is 14....tell me one parent who doesn't have rebellious issues with a 14 year old. Sure, some may have more problems than others but relinquishing your parental rights IS giving up on her. You are washing your hands of a child that is getting too much to handle. But when you're a parent you have to take the good with the bad....the best with the absolute worst.

    When my older sister was in her teens, she ran away, stayed at boys houses until 1am while my mom was working nights to support 4 children on her own with NO child support. My mom took her to the police station and was at her wits end and didn't know where else to turn but the police. They took my sister in a room and let her have it. I know it was just a scare tatic, but it helped straighten her up a bit. My sister now has her own $500,000 home, she is principal of a school, and has her PhD. Now of course this isn't the outcome for everyone, and the methods may need tweeked....but something needs to be done. My sister looks back and thanks my mom for doing what she did even though at the time she hated my mom for it.

    Do you really want your daugther to grow up and resent you for giving up on her? Once she gets out of her teens (when things are always the worst) do you want to end up regretting letting some other woman be her mom and help her through this time?

    If you really don't want to deal with her, then just let the father have full custody and you have visitations. You would have to talk to an attorney to be sure about the child support issue, but I don't think you would owe anything right away since he is so far behind....and for the record, you wouldn't be supporting his other children...you would pay the same amount in child support if he didn't have other children.


    When I was married to my x he found his new wife. We got a divorce and he took her away from me, I had naivly signed a waiver, not knowing I was signing a waiver to give up my rights. $10000 and 2 years later I was able to reverse the court order. At that point my daughter was already forced to call my x-husbands wife MOM. She still is calling her mom, and she pretends she is her mom and his wife is loving it.

    It is so so hard, so frustrating, so shocking what is happening. She was molested by a nephew of her fathers new wife, he currently is on house arrest awaiting jury trial in April. My daughter will have to testify and I am now concerned they won't even show for that now.
    I am at my wits end..
  • Mar 19, 2008, 02:45 PM
    macksmom
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Sleepy2006
    When I was married to my x he found his new wife. We got a divorce and he took her away from me, I had naivly signed a waiver, not knowing I was signing a waiver to give up my rights. $10000 and 2 years later I was able to reverse the court order. At that point my daughter was already forced to call my x-husbands wife MOM.

    You wouldn't have "not known" you were relinquishing your parental rights. Unless you are proven by a JUDGE to be a danger to your child, your ex wouldn't have been able to have your rights terminated, nor would you be able to just sign away your parental rights without your ex's wife legally adopting the child.
    You may have sign a "waiver" allowing him sole custody... but I doubt it was relinquishing you parental rights... you most definitely would have known that before signing.

    At anyrate... again, no one can make this decision for you. All we can do is offer you advice, but you continually counter any advice with more reasons you can't take care of your child.

    If you can't handle her... then let her stay with her dad... sign away your rights and let the stepmom adopt her... then you don't have to parent her.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 03:01 PM
    Sleepy2006
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by macksmom
    You wouldn't have "not known" you were relinquishing your parental rights. Unless you are proven by a JUDGE to be a danger to your child, your ex wouldn't have been able to have your rights terminated, nor would you be able to just sign away your parental rights without your ex's wife legally adopting the child.
    You may have sign a "waiver" allowing him sole custody....but I doubt it was relinquishing you parental rights....you most definitely would have known that before signing.

    At anyrate....again, no one can make this decision for you. All we can do is offer you advice, but you continually counter any advice with more reasons why you can't take care of your child.

    If you can't handle her....then let her stay with her dad....sign away your rights and let the stepmom adopt her....then you don't have to parent her.


    True, I must explain.. I was 19 maybe, just arrived from Germany, trusting everyone and still especially him in doing the right thing.. EVEN AFTER HE MENTALLY ABUSED ME..
    And what you just said is rude, I understand that you think that way, that I am trying to "avoid" taking actions, but you are not in my position, you are NOT going through what I am going through with them.
    All I am trying to ask is for some help, not a lecture.. Options.. besides the obvious, which apparently seems to be my only option and getting the police involved..
    I want some LEGAL advice and not sure HWO to turn to
  • Mar 19, 2008, 03:45 PM
    squeaks77
    I know some people won't like this, but some children are just not worth it. Next time she runs away call the police on her bratty butt! Maybe a few days in Juvenile Detention will help her attitude. She may not like you for a while, but hopefully will realize her mistakes when she is older.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 03:47 PM
    stinawords
    In macksmoms's defence it does seen that you don't actually want help because after every single person you have posted another excuse as to why you have not option other than to give up your daughter. If you really want results you have to go get a lawyer, a good lawyer and go to court. If the judge orders her to return to you you'll be in even more hell because yes, she will HATE you even more!! If you love her and want her to have a better life you have to toughen up realize that you are doing what is best for her and ignore the fact that she despises you for not letting her run her and your life at the young age of 14. It will definently get worse before it gets better. There is no way around it so as said before if you aren't up for the task of being a parent then sign away your rights and move on. But if you really want your daughter then you'll be a MOM! I realize you are going to say how rude I am but seriously parenting is not always a bed of roses, I know I am one.
  • Mar 19, 2008, 04:31 PM
    macksmom
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Sleepy2006
    True, I must explain.. I was 19 maybe, just arrived from Germany, trusting everyone and still especially him in doing the right thing..EVEN AFTER HE MENTALLY ABUSED ME..
    And what you just said is rude, I understand that you think that way, that I am trying to "avoid" taking actions, but you are not in my position, you are NOT going through what I am going through with them.
    All I am trying to ask is for some help, not a lecture.. Options.. besides the obvious, which apparently seems to be my only option and getting the police involved..
    I want some LEGAL advice and not sure HWO to turn to

    What I said wasn't "rude" it's reality.

    Age hasn't much to do with anything really... I was 18 when I had my daughter and would go through hell and high water before I ever gave her up.
    Nothing in this world would ever make me turn my back on her... ever.

    So again... this is not "rude" the REALITY is... if you can't parent her... then don't... problem solved.
  • Mar 20, 2008, 07:20 AM
    Sleepy2006
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by squeaks77
    I know some people won't like this, but some children are just not worth it. Next time she runs away call the police on her bratty butt!! Maybe a few days in Juvenile Detention will help her attitude. She may not like you for a while, but hopefully will realize her mistakes when she is older.


    This is a response to all you..
    Thank you all for your time and reality checks. I've been through high water and hell already and know what it takes to be a MOM. I think I just needed a sounding board and not always think with my "feelings", since all is real fresh right now it is hard.. Maybe some of you won't understand some of the things that are happening.
    I don't need a lawyer I have papers showing where she is supposed to be and that is with me, calling the police was and is my last option but seems to be the best help I can get. And hope that all will eventually work out.
    I never thought it would go that far to that extend..
  • Mar 20, 2008, 08:27 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Sleepy2006
    This is a response to all you..
    Thank you all for your time and reality checks. I've been through high water and hell already and know what it takes to be a MOM. I think I just needed a sounding board and not always think with my "feelings", since all is real fresh right now it is hard.. Maybe some of you won't understand some of the things that are happening.
    I don't need a lawyer I have papers showing where she is supposed to be and that is with me, calling the police was and is my last option but seems to be the best help I can get. and hope that all will eventually work out.
    I never thought it would go that far to that extend..


    Very confused by one aspect - your daughter told you she had been abused at her father's house and THEN you let her move in with her father?

    You post a question, you get an answer, you criticize the answer and have an explanation of why the answer won't work for you, you minimize your involvement - all I hear is excuses. Apparently no one can or will say whatever it is that you need to hear, capped off with you "don't need a lawyer because you have papers showing where she is supposed to be."

    Sorry, but I don't think you do know what it takes to be a Mom - or you wouldn't have all these problems.
  • Mar 20, 2008, 08:32 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Sleepy2006
    Here's the deal. I am at a loss and i am not sure what to do..
    1. I am the custodial parent my x-husband is the non custodial parent
    Remarried 2005 after living with my now husband since my daughter was 4. We bought a new house 2006 in an upper class neighbor hood to make sure my daughter has a great life.
    2. 2007 my daughter informed us (age 14 now) that she was molested as a child at fathers house by a cousin of his new wife, court date coming up shortly then all of a sudden was brainwashed by her father and wanted to move in with him "?"?"?"?"?" again loss of words. Said ok for a trial period.. He also owes over $10 thou dollars in back child support payments.
    3. She now goes to school there for the last 6 months and almost failing due to lack of going to school, school is already stating that there maybe a court date due to lack of attendance.
    4. I am now the bad person, she doesn't want to visit, call, and if she does all hell breaks loose and she runs away.
    5. She went to counseling but her father stated that it is a waste of time and money (which he doesn't have, he's NOT working his wife is as a security guard . they have 3 more kids and live in a shag with 1200 sqf .)
    6. before al that she was caught smoking in the attic of ours.
    7. She was trying to sell multi vitamins in school as speed and was forced to go to a "special" alternative school by us.
    I have not seen her since Jan. 1 when she started to run away after I told her that she is staying with us again, even to a point that she wanted to jump out of a car that was going 65 miles an hour on the way back to her fathers house, because I wasn't wanting to give her the cell to call her father for 10 min.
    Her father threatened that he would go and petition to get the rights away from me. he hasn't done so to this point, why, because of obvious reason, no money and past due childsupport payments. Also believe that my daughter believes by staying with him he wouldn't have to pay. I still pay for her school lunches, insurance and so forth.

    Now that you know the story somewhat, I am worried beyond my believe, but am contemplating on giving up my rights to protect my husband and myself and especially since I am not sure what else to do at this point but to give them want they want.
    How would that work? Would it work? And I be dammed if I were to have to pay childsupport to his lazy butt. This is what I have found out so far, but not sure if that is really much information what can you guys give me advice and so forth:she said there is a motion/petition you can file regarding custody. as far as you protecting yourself, leaving your daughter with father or letting her stay there does not make you negligent. if something happens during his custody or control while in his care, the negligence would fall on his behalf. however, there are some laws in the county/state of texas that if a minor commits a criminal act for which civil damages occur, then those damages are recoverable through a lawsuit which would involve both parents. i think that if you want to petition the court to change the status of the parent-child relationship, there could be a way to do it pro se, where you do it yourself and all you do is pay the filing fees. there could also be a waiver of citation where her father would just sign and waive service so you don't have to pay extra to get him served. i know that the child support that he owes you to date will remain until it is paid off even if you give him conservatorship.
    I desperately need some legal help, anything would be great..
    Thanks:confused:

    I am a little concerned because you have posted before on another thread, asking if you would continue to receive child support although your daughter lives with your ex-husband. Or did I read that wrong?

    I also question your values - you live in an "upper class neighborhood" and your ex lives in a 1,200 foot "shag" (I guess you mean shack) and somehow that makes you the better parent?

    You also don't want to pay extra to get your husband served and you don't want to pay filing fees.

    This all comes down to money - ? What about your daughter safety and welfare?
  • Mar 20, 2008, 09:15 AM
    Shell_Lee
    Sleepy2006 - What are you looking for? A miracle answer that will cure everything? Make your daughter that is so troublesome just turn around and be an angel? I can tell you that it is not going to happen. It's going to be tough. Probably even worse than it has been. If you really love and care for your daughter, then you are going to have to toughen up and fight for her! I was a teenager that rebelled against my parents. I feel sorry everyday for some of the things that I put them through. I came around though because my mom never gave up on me and loved me.

    Now let me get this straight. Your daughter told you that she was molested at the fathers house and then you let her move there? If this is the case, HOW DARE YOU! Maybe this is the stem of all her problems. Maybe she is lashing out on the fact that you sent her to the very place that was her hell.

    Oh and by the way, just because you live in a new house in an upper class neighborhood and he lives in a "1200 foot shack" does not mean ANYTHING! I live in a 1200 ft condo with my son and fiancé. My sons father has a duplex with more square footage. It does not mean that my son's father is better than me in any way.

    I do feel very sorry for what you are dealing with. Being a parent is never easy (especially with a child that tries everything in their power to destroy all). The people that posted responses to your question gave very good advise. Maybe you should go back and re-read a few.

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