Boundaries for family with our adult children
I have a 22 year old son who has been in a world of trouble due to some very poor choices when he was 18-19. He totalled my car, then his father (we are divorced) helped him purchase two more cars. He totaled the first, the second was seized by the police when he didn't pull over for a traffic stop timely. My son started smoking cigarettes and pot, and pot for him has been a total disaster, contributing to his other behaviors in a very significant way. He now vapes, and has a history of switching between pot and regular vape solution in whatever vape pipes or water pipes. On pot, he is raging and psychotic - not an exaggeration. No boundaries, no motivation, no self control. Many people have told me this doesn't happen with pot, but I have conferred with countless experts and new pot can have this impact. He has tested clean for absolutely everything else, regularly, for two years (regularly tested - he is on felony probation - and agreed to share the reports with me).
He has started to turn his life around and after kicking him out two years ago, I recently permitted him to move back in with me base on him having succeeded in meeting the terms of his probation, testing clean for pot for two years, and otherwise cleaning up his act. There have been isolated incidents of extreme disrespect which have been related to him vaping in my condo, which I do not allow but the improvement is tremendous since last time he lived with me.
At 22 he has a smoker's cough from the vaping habit. It seems to sweat through his pores and he stinks. His cothing and everything in his room have a haze on them which reaks of the fake vanilla vape solution he prefers. Vape solution contains vegetable oil, and that oil makes everything sticky and disgusting. His doctor told him he has developed an allergy to the vape solution and needs to stop before he contract pneumonia or has an anaphylactic reaction, and I just can't stand, as a mom, to see him with yellow teeth, smelling like dead rear-end, coughing his head off and walking around in a cloud.
Now my sister has decided to try vaping as an alternative to her heavy smoking habit. I asked her long ago not to commiserate with, smoke with or otherwise bond with my so over smoking. I asked her never to borrow or lend cigarettes with him, etc. as I want reinforcement on the disapproval for his smoking. I told her she can blame it on me, as in, "your mom would no like me giving you a cigarette and I'm not interfering in her parenting". She agreed.
Well, now she has determined my son is her go-to expert on vaping, and is using him as her consultant to learn all about the product and how to use it. I was present when this started and said, "Any vape store can answer your questions. Please don't involve my son in your new habit." She considered me "unsupportive" of her "effort to quit" by vaping.
All present argued the point with me, I thought stupidly. I cannot stop my son from smoking at 22, but I feel it's reasonable not to allow it in my house and to ask my immediate family to not support the habit in any way. I have had minimal discussions with my son, telling him that keeping it out of my house, car and presence is imperative and that I agree with his doctor an hope he will continue the positive changes he has made in other areas and stop smoking entirely. My sister is always quitting smoking and every scenario she comes up with involves her continuing to smoke in some way "I'm cutting down", or builds in reasons she can recommence the habit such as, "well, if my husband is supportive, and work doesn't get too crazy, and....I might be able to quit, but I might still smoke on weekends". This has gone on for decades and this is just the latest non-effort to quit. I am not suggesting it's easy to quit by any means, and I never nag her about her smoking. I'm just tired of entertaining all the endless excuses for it. I'm not asking for an explanation and it's such bull, I'd rather not hear it. But she's now roping my son into this ridiculous thing. He fashions himself some kind of expert and has convinced himself that vaping is great and his doctor is old fashioned and on and on, and she feeds right into his stupidity.
I am interested in what others think of my request of my sister.