Ask Me Help Desk - Struggling, struggling, struggling

I am a mother of 2 and moved from another country to USA almost a year ago. I'm really struggling. This is my husbands home-territory, but even he is struggling too.

I am working full-time, but I can't seem to get into the groove of my new job, and I make constant small mistakes, which a co-worker is on my back about all the time, which seems to just make it worse, because I am stressing so much about making mistakes that I make more!

I feel like it's just a constant struggle. I am always being told to be grateful for what we have, and I do know we are lucky - 2 healthy, beautiful children, a loving husband, and a full-time job that pays okay and is in an air-conditioned office.

But I just feel up to my neck in negativity, I can't even feel gratitude for what I have. We live with relatives, and as kind as that is, it is a huge struggle at times. We are trying to save for a place of our own, but it seems impossible. We have talked about moving back, but that is like quitting, and would it really be any better than where we are now?

I really don't have any friends (other than email/internet contact with friends from 'home'). I have no time to do anything besides working, caring for my kids and housework. It is just a grind, a constant grind. I hate whining about it, but I am starting to think I might have depression. The situation at work is affecting my self-esteem too. I considered saying something to the co-worker, but I'm scared it will make things worse instead of better, and although I'm looking for a new job there is nothing out there.

I feel so trapped and lonely and crazy!! Anyone got advice?

First I have a question. Do you really need this job? If I were you I would use my spare time and be putting applications in else where . Saving up Not to buy a car or what ever. But preparing for a job transition. I give you only advice that I would my wife. Then, I would make a stand for myself. If my boss did not like it, I would simply remind him of this . I was looking for a job when I found this one.
I am 43 and retired. From the top of my field. My wife and I met in her Country and she too came here and had a major job transition. Fighting discrimination, langauge among other things. Use your support systems . Your husband, and love for each other as well as family, will help get you through it.

It's just a co-worker, not your boss, correct? If it's not the boss, I would firmly but politely explain something along the lines of "look, i'm trying. i realize that things need to be done a certain way and i'm trying to learn that way but it's difficult for me to learn when you don't give me the space to fix my own mistakes." I recently went through a job transition too. Mine was only across the state, not to a different country, so I only have a slight idea of what you must be feeling. But I went from being in charge of projects and my managers having total confidence in me to being the new person all over again. Which was really frustrating since I only transferred stores. It wasn't like I was with a new company where I had to learn new things. But I've finally proven myself again. And it was frustrating. But now that I've done it, it was so worth the effort. I know it can be hard to ride the tough times out, but it's always worth it. It helps to keep that in mind, that there's something good at the end.

Yes, I absolutely need the job. If it were an option, I would not be working full-time, maybe part-time, but it is the only way for us to save and put something towards finally getting our own place. Thank you for the idea though.

Justcurious55, yes, that is exactly what I am going through. I went from a customer service manager position to the lowest rank it a completely different field. Where we live now the industry I worked in previously is almost non-existent. I think saying something to the co-worker may be the way to go. I don't know if I think she actually means well, but one way or another it is not really helping me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mouse-girl

I am a mother of 2 and moved from another country to USA almost a year ago. I'm really struggling. This is my husbands home-territory, but even he is struggling too.

I am working full-time, but I can't seem to get into the groove of my new job, and I make constant small mistakes, which a co-worker is on my back about all the time, which seems to just make it worse, because I am stressing so much about making mistakes that I make more!

I feel like it's just a constant struggle. I am always being told to be grateful for what we have, and I do know we are lucky - 2 healthy, beautiful children, a loving husband, and a full-time job that pays okay and is in an air-conditioned office.

But I just feel up to my neck in negativity, I can't even feel gratitude for what I have. We live with relatives, and as kind as that is, it is a huge struggle at times. We are trying to save for a place of our own, but it seems impossible. We have talked about moving back, but that is like quitting, and would it really be any better than where we are now?

I really don't have any friends (other than email/internet contact with friends from 'home'). I have no time to do anything besides working, caring for my kids and housework. It is just a grind, a constant grind. I hate whining about it, but I am starting to think I might have depression. The situation at work is affecting my self-esteem too. I considered saying something to the co-worker, but I'm scared it will make things worse instead of better, and although I'm looking for a new job there is nothing out there.

I feel so trapped and lonely and crazy!!!! Anyone got advice?

Let's see, you are managing the stress of living in a new country, being away from your home and friends (and family?), living with relatives, having trouble getting into the groove or your job, which you need, and being hassled by a co-worker who keeps pointing out your mistakes. Right? Yeah, you're struggling!

But, you're neither crazy nor trapped. (Let's talk about "lonely" later, after we see if you can change the feeling that you are trapped into a discovery of your resourcefulness.) Chances are that between you and your husband, you can figure out what to do to "untrap" you. That presumes that you and he have a relationship in which you can talk about your mutual well-being, that you can solve problems together. If not, think about how, then create that dialog with him as quickly and wisely as you can.

You can divide the sources of your stress into two groups:
(1) You are have difficulty getting good at your job. To keep this job and make it worth keeping this job, you need to get good enough to free you from the heavy-handed comments of your co-worker as well as alleviate your anxiety and frustration related to the job and your whole situation. You also need to make more money per working day.

(2) Your emotional atmosphere has been increasingly negative, so much so that you worry about being depressed. The meaning that you give to all this makes you feel less valuable as a human being. This feeds into #1.

So, you have significant demands for adjusting, adapting, and just plain doing being placed on you, but you don't have the energy or frame of mind to do it all. That's where you should focus your attention: within you.

Focus on getting the energy and growing the frame of mind that you need to succeed at this job. The same method that you use to grow this frame of mind will help you manage your entire situation. In short, your goal should be strengthening yourself, making yourself more capable of doing what needs to be done to improve your circumstances. That means to change within yourself first.

You are tense at work. Being anxious and unhappy in general, you don't pay full attention and miss things that you should see. So, one change is to learn how to relax and calm yourself down in small steps all day long, one breath at a time, so you don't waste energy with unnecessary tension. Being tense makes you more likely to make errors. Being more relaxed, you become more aware and find more opportunities. Make it a personal practice, like a meditation you do in the background. High-level athletes, executives, and performers all have some version of this. They tune themselves in the background all day.

You also lose emotional energy through the meaning you give to some events, including your mistakes. These are the stories playing in your mind about what your situation means, or what a mistake means, all of which hammers your self-esteem. Watch Byron Katie on Oprah:
Byron Katie on Oprah's Soul Series Webcast - Oprah.com

You need a method to back off your co-worker, a polite, professional, effective way to tell her to stop that works without repercussions.

I have to stop for now. What else do you need? To you other readers, I ask what else, and how should mouse get those things done? To you, mouse-girl, if you could make any changes within yourself to move this situation to a better state, what would you change? What would it be like if you did succeed?

Tao

The customer service managers I've had to talk to in the past were very good with their verbiage. I'm confident that if you were able to hold that job you can deal with this co-working without making things worse.

I am sorry. I to have a wife from another country. We have struggled. She gave up her way of life to come here to live with me and all she knew.
First, I admire you for that alone, was a brave thing to do. Sorry I messed it. I thought you were abroad. Now let's deal with the Coe worker.
Tell him the truth as you know it to be. You admire his skills. He should know already that you are new this country and don't quite know everything, yet. You are married. At this point and time you are aware of sexual harassment laws do exist in any work place. That they are keeping you from performing you duties the way you should be. You will not tolerate any more of it. And you are now requesting to see a higher up in the chain of authority. Then tell your boss.
If you have done nothing to be afraid of have no fears. Remember your trump card that you have up your sleeve, tell your boss you are not so sure he has not been treating you un fairly because of your race. This is a BIG one. FOLLOW THROUGH with it .You will not get fired.

He may not either , but he will know to respect you. This is the result we want.

Hm. I read your complaints about the co-worker differently. I read it as they were being overly critical of you. If you read it incorrectly, and you were talking about sexual harassment, I take back everything I said before and agrees with 321543

Quote:

Originally Posted by 321543

I am sorry. I to have a wife from another country. We have struggled. She gave up her way of life to come here to live with me and all she knew.
First, I admire you for that alone, was a brave thing to do. Sorry I messed it. I thought you were abroad. Now let's deal with the Coe worker.
tell him the truth as you know it to be. You admire his skills. He should know already that you are new this country and don't quite know everything, yet. You are married. At this point and time you are aware of sexual harassment laws do exist in any work place. That they are keeping you from performing you duties the way you should be. You will not tolerate any more of it. And you are now requesting to see a higher up in the chain of authority. Then tell your boss.
if you have done nothing to be afraid of have no fears. Remember your trump card that you have up your sleeve, tell your boss you are not so sure he has not been treating you un fairly because of your race. This is a BIG one. FOLLOW THROUGH with it .You will not get fired.

he may not either , but he will know to respect you. This is the result we want.

Sorry, but I have to disagree with you, 321543, at least in part. I didn't hear sexual harassment in her story, so making it up only adds garbage to the situation. The race accusation is even worse. She won't get respect, just fear. They will know that she is trouble, and that is not respect.

She's trying to be able to do a good job, to do a day's work and know that it is enough to feed her family. She needs to be working on that.

Where I agree with you is in handling her co-worker. She should confront him, and tell him to stop. Her boundary should be absolute. Then he will respect her.

Tao

Thank you, there is no sexual harassment, and I don't believe it is racial either.

I will think about how to confront my co-worker.

Thanks for all the ideas and input! I found the Byron Katie link very interesting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mouse-girl

Thank you, there is no sexual harassment, and I don't believe it is racial either.

I will think about how to confront my co-worker.

Thanks for all the ideas and input! I found the Byron Katie link very interesting.

If you think through how you would be most comfortable and effective setting a boundary with your co-worker, you can test it here with this forum before you go ahead with it. You will be so relieved once you have addressed this issue!

Once you do that, you can work on improving both your job performance (or getting another job) and your energy/internal atmosphere. As these improve, you will be able to think about how to make yourself more valuable to an employer. More valuable = more money.

Meanwhile, give yourself rest whenever you can. Don't drain your energy with anything negative. Take a moment here and there and just breathe, relax, and love yourself and your family.

tao

Live as if you were living a second time, and as though you had acted wrongly the first time. -Viktor Frankl (1905-1997)

OK. Now that I know I read it right the first time, I go back to my previous advice. :) tao is right, you can practice here if you feel the need to. I think getting the issue resolved will lift a lot of the weight off your shoulders.

Sorry for taking so long on the update.

I just wanted to let you all know that I confronted my co-worker and it went really well. It was not quite what I expected but the outcome is a huge improvement, so it was a success in any case.

Thank you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by mouse-girl

Sorry for taking so long on the update.

I just wanted to let you all know that I confronted my co-worker and it went really well. It was not quite what I expected but the outcome is a huge improvement, so it was a success in any case.

Thank you!

Way to go, mouse-girl!