How to stop fighting with my mom?
Unlike my dad, me and my mom fight from quit a bit. Whenever my mom gets mad or frustrated with me about something she resorts to insults and calling me names whenever we argued. Today, I was talking to my boyfriend over Skype and my voice can be pretty loud. My mom has told me to go to the basement to talk, but the basement is the coldest part of the house and especially hard to be there for long periods especially in the winter. So my mom starts yelling, and says something like "if you were normal, you would get my message." or "don't look at me (she's still yelling at me still) go to the basement and talk there." "If you do this again our relationship is over." Our fights are like this a lot. I do something wrong, or something that's not a big deal and she starts calling me names like stupid, or lazy etc. The other time my mom got upset was when I came back from a trip to NYC with a friend and my mom saw that I brought one skirt from a lolita shop in NYC, and got upset that I brought one article of clothing. (She saw my bag yesterday and didn't say anything). It was only the next day did my mom have an issue that I brought an article of clothing. Then she started bringing up how I did nothing since I graduated community college. I've looked for colleges to transfer to, try to find a new job, get my transcript issue sorted out from a college which took a long time to get settled. When I started telling her all the things I did she goes to my dad and says she's so stupid. Once my mom was calm she said I should have known not to buy more clothing since I brought a lot with my debit card, and it should have been implied when I deposited money from my debit card not to buy clothing. She told me I should have watched how much I was spending (which I did), only buy a few books or maybe one article of clothing with my money (which I did), use it for mostly food (which I did) and to not spend a lot since I was still in search for a job. Even my dad is aware how mean my mom is when she's angry and telling my mom not to insult when she's angry doesn't work. My dad has pretty much gotten nothing out of her, instead she say "I'm frustrated" as if that excuses her behavior. Whenever she starts calling me names my anxiety acts up and I try not to cry. My friends are convinced if I say something she would listen but it doesn't work either. My boyfriend thinks it's because she's in her mid 60's she's getting more agitated but she's done this when I was younger too. Lately when we argue I bring up the things she says and tell her not to call me those names out of frustration she says "I'm frustrated, you made me say these things." Nothing is working, and it frustrates me. She's so quick to point out the things I need to improve on while she barely does it with herself. She's the one who taught me to admit when I'm wrong and don't be stubborn while my mom does the same. She can insult me when she's angry and not apologize.
When my mom left for a month to go visit her sister in Japan I was so happy partly because I would have the house to myself when my dad goes to work but also so I wouldn't have to deal with any fighting. And throughout the time with my dad we didn't yell at each other for a month. I really like my mom, I know she loves me, when she's not fighting with me she's great, but when she's angry I dislike her. She just blames me for our strained relationship without realizing she's also to blame.