Ask Me Help Desk - Am I a bad person because I don't like my step son?

He is 5 years old and a very polite kid who does everything he is told to do. He lives with his mom but comes to visit twice a year for 2-3 weeks. My parents have been together for 30 years now and I don't have any step-anything. I knew about the child before but it didn't bother me because he was too young to visit. I have tried to rationalize it and see that this is an innocent kid who has done nothing wrong to me and just wants to be loved. It just does not work. When it comes he wants to be with his daddy every time, be on his lap, sleep with him and make up for all the time he does not get to see him. I understand that and try to let him have that time. The problem is that I feel robbed of that time and I just don't like it. We don't have any kids and will not be having any soon because I am not ready yet. I just feel like why is it that I had to fall in love with someone with a kid while they are so many great men out there who are fatherless? My mom disapproves of the relationship because she doesn't want me to marry someone who's divorced with a kid. She believes I deserve better than that. He is really great and made it very clear to his kid that whatever I say, goes. I am 26 years old and afraid that I am acting childish but these are feelings that I just have. How does one manage to unconditionally love their step kids? He will be here for Xmas and though I bought gifts for all my nephews and nieces I don't feel like buying anything for him. I am not a mean person and I truly love kids, why can't I love this one? (He really is a sweet kid and always want to help with dishes even though he can't reach the sink)

Quote:

Originally Posted by somdade

He is 5 years old and a very polite kid who does everything he is told to do. He lives with his mom but comes to visit twice a year for 2-3 weeks. My parents have been together for 30 years now and I don't have any step-anything. I knew about the child before but it didn't bother me because he was too young to visit. I have tried to rationalize it and see that this is an innocent kid who has done nothing wrong to me and just wants to be loved. It just does not work. When it comes he wants to be with his daddy every time, be on his lap, sleep with him and make up for all the time he does not get to see him. I understand that and try to let him have that time. The problem is that I feel robbed of that time and I just don't like it. We don't have any kids and will not be having any soon because I am not ready yet. I just feel like why is it that I had to fall in love with someone with a kid while they are so many great men out there who are fatherless? My mom disapproves of the relationship because she doesn't want me to marry someone who's divorced with a kid. She believes I deserve better than that. He is really great and made it very clear to his kid that whatever I say, goes. I am 26 years old and afraid that I am acting childish but these are feelings that I just have. How does one manage to unconditionally love their step kids? He will be here for Xmas and though I bought gifts for all my nephews and nieces I don't feel like buying anything for him. I am not a mean person and I truly love kids, why can't I love this one? (He really is a sweet kid and always want to help with dishes even though he can't reach the sink)

Do you resent the "kid" or do you resent his mother and he's just the outlet for your resentment.

As far as your mother thinks you deserve better than a divorced man with a child - only you know what you do or do not deserve and whether he's worthy of your love.

If you can't get over this move on and let the father move on. Doesn't he see this in you?

The legal boards are full of this problem somewhere down the road - this man comes with baggage or accessories or a source of joy. It's in your outlook. If you can't deal with this it will only get worse.

And, yes, I'm a stepmother.

Sounds like you feel threatened by him being there and taking so much attention away from you with regard to his father.

That's natural.

Here's a suggestion to change it. Rather than feel like he's dividing you and his father, join together with the father and win this kid over as a young friend.

In other words, plan some things that you can all do together. Say things like, "your father and I want to..." Include yourself WITH his father instead of feeling pushed aside.

Also, you can talk to your male friend about this so that he's on the same page with you. Together, it will be an easy thing to overcome.

I always tell married couples who seem to have lost the "fire" that they once had in their marriage this...

"If you want what you had when you were dating, then you've got to act toward each other the way you did when you were dating."

This advice is relevant to you, too! Let me explain...

Feelings don't just come alone, they always follow actions.

My advice to you is to act like you love this kid. Treat him like he's your favorite little boy in the whole world. Even though you may not feel like he is... if you treat him that way, the feelings will follow along closely behind.

I wish you the best.

JC

I think you are projecting rejection because you feel he is sort of competing against you for attention. You definitely need to realize that he needs the time with his father. You may not feel a bond with him but he needs the bond with his dad at least. You need to always check with everything you say and do is it resentment or is whatever I say that goes appropriate for the situation? Do not let what you say be determined by your bad feelings.
Also appreciate your husband for being a great dad and realize that someday he will be a great dad for any kids you have.
I would sacrifice my feelings through this because he doesn't sound like the type of guy to dump over being a father.
Too many guys treat their gf/wife horrible and can't be bothered with their kids.

Thank you all for your answers. I truly do appreciate it. I will try as hard as I can to let him have a shot at winning a place in my heart. Once again thanks and Happy Holidays to everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by somdade

Thank you all for your answers. I truly do appreciate it. I will try as hard as I can to let him have a shot at winning a place in my heart. Once again thanks and Happy Holidays to everyone.

Be very careful not to let the kid pick up on how you feel because if he is intelligent, he will may use it against you. Children can be very manipulative even at such a young age and some seem to genuinely enjoy pitting people against each other. Making up stories about being hit to make parents, couples, teachers,etc fight he may start to make up things to make you hurt or angry. No matter how sweet they CAN be, they can also be very very manipulative. Mine makes up stories to get people to fight, exaggerates to make people upset and plays innocent but if you look, you can catch him giving the "victim" a smug look as if challenging them to try and convince anyone else that they are anything but a sweet child. It's scary to realize they can be such cruel button pushers so young and no one wants to believe it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by star1922

Be very careful not to let the kid pick up on how you feel because if he is intelligent, he will may use it against you. Children can be very manipulative even at such a young age and some seem to genuinely enjoy pitting people against each other. making up stories about being hit to make parents, couples, teachers,etc fight he may start to make up things to make you hurt or angry. No matter how sweet they CAN be, they can also be very very manipulative. mine makes up stories to get people to fight, exagerrates to make people upset and plays innocent but if you look, you can catch him giving the "victim" a smug look as if challenging them to try and convince anyone else that they are anything but a sweet child. it's scary to realize they can be such cruel button pushers so young and no one wants to believe it.

I see no indication that this is the case. I see a potential stepmother who is conflicted. Advice concerning the child's possible manipulative "ways" can only make her MORE conflicted.

Run as fast as you can. I was much older than you when I fell in love with a man who is divorced and has a son. No matter what good intentions you have, there will be resentment on both sides, and it will make your life a living hell. I am considering a divorce right now because of my stepson and his PSYCHO mother. I love my husband to death and he is a wonderful husband. He just has way more baggage than I can deal with. It's not fair to me or my stepson for us to be forced to "tolerate" each other. Both of us deserve better.

From 2008 - long dead thread.