Totally lost... need some advice
I'm 40, my wife is 40, and we have two kids 15 & 11. Our marriage hasn't been well for years (I'm extremely lazy and my wife can't stand it -- she's abusive as a result). I run from confrontation of any kind. She's a decent mother and I'm very grateful for everything she does for the family. We have tried to reconcile but it's going on auto-pilot now. I can live with her, but can't love her like I used to. I have no feelings physical-wise for her either. She has an extremely short temper and yells and screams and raises her hands at the smallest of things. She breaks down and even asks for a divorce (though she doesn't mean it).
But... in all this, I fell in love with a divorced woman a few years back and have promised to divorce my wife and marry her. She's a wonderful woman who, knowing I was married, said she could come close only if I were divorced. She even pushed me to reconcile with my wife and be with her. But we did fall in love with each other. And then it gets worse. I didn't have the courage to break up with my wife (I fear the tears, her rage, and everything) and waited for "the right time" which never comes. Since I didn't want to lose my lover I started lying to her (my lover) that I was separated. This has gone on for 3 years now.
To be fair(er) to my love, so she doesn't wait endlessly for a wimp like me, I set a deadline this year, by which time I would file for divorce. I'm at the deadline now and have thought really hard about the "right thing to do". I know that I've racked up too many sins here already, and my character is really truly shot and questionable. I never thought I would end up in such a situation, but this is entirely my doing and my responsibility.
I am leaning towards getting the divorce, but very scared of how to bring it up with my wife. I know that if let my love go, she will eventually get over me and marry someone else (that thought kills me). And I won't ever be able to make my wife really happy -- that much I'm sure of. If I leave my wife, it will be very painful overall obviously. I'll take care of her financially of course, but that won't matter for her. I do care for her, but love someone else.
And of course I plan to confess my lying to my love as well... from now on, only the truth. I'm sick to my bones of my lies and cheating and stress. I've broken everyone's trust, but really want to do the right thing now. Just not sure what that is any more...
I love my kids and feel that if I continue to be in their lives they may be OK... but I really don't want to break my commitment to my love. Yes, you will say I broke my commitment to my wife, but if I now dumped my love, then that would be two people I break my promise to...