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I've noticed MANY posts recently where the woman expects her guy to be able to read her mind. This is impossible. AND really. Really unhealthy.
Ladies - guys have no clue what you're thinking - ever. You need to tell them on a daily basis how you feel. AND you have to do this so you feel better!!
It's an impossible situatio other wise.
This is important advice. Although I'd widen it out to include everyone... we men can be just as guilty of the same thing.
This is the root of every post that includes the phrase "I thought everything was fine, but..."
Edit to add: If you expect your partner to be psychic, you should probably also expect them to think of you as psychotic ;)
My Mom did that to my Dad and I think she drove him crazy. Not literally, but made it nigh unto impossible to figure her out. No matter what he did, it was not what she wanted him to do. He would say, "Then tell me for crying out loud. What do you think I am, a mind reader?" The she would storm off into their bedroom and slam the door. Go figure!
After 20 or so minutes she would come out and apologize and say that she should not expect my Dad to understand what sometimes she could not understand. There would be peace for a few months.
But I did the same thing to my husband. Expected him to know. The first time I did that, he said the same thing my Dad asked my Mom. When I heard it, I nearly died laughing. My husband called my Dad and told him he has a "crazy daughter". My Dad asked what happened and Dave told my Dad. I could hear my Dad over the phone laughing. So Dad had to tell him. My Mom was already deceased. So that became one of the family jokes and we were able to laugh and talk and I really saw that I was my Mother's daughter. Lol. I was able to work through the bad habit with help from both my Dad and my husband.
You are so right, Wildcat - men are never going to know the female mind unless the female tells them. We cannot expect them to be psychic. It is unfair to them and only lends to error and hard felings.
Thanks for the posts!! I think this is soooo important.
I know men sometimes expect women to read their minds as well.
Yes - a two way street!!
Communication is king - you must sit down and tell them what you want and need.
YOU CAN'T KEEP IT BOTTLED UP!! SO UNHEALHTY!!
I can not agree here completely.Mind reading is not just some super special psychic skill, it's the measure of compatibility and desire to make the loved one happy. You can't expect the man to know every single little wish of course, but at least some. When a woman sees that you are trying to make something for her without her wishing for it she would appreciate it and be happy no matter if it is the exact wish she had. I have been with someone who tried to make all the time we had special for both of us and that was the same from my side. When I was with another one,we both were so on the same wave length, it was literally mind reading! I have a boyfriend now who is the opposite of a "mind reader"! And it is horrible. It's about what you give and what you get. I try to think of what he wants and do it, and he likes it. He just doesn't try. If you try you'll see its not so hard.:) At least it will have a much more positive effect than not doing anything!
I really don't understand it, either. Is it so hard to just confess what you actually think? The amazing thing is, when confronted, so often a woman will simply throw her hands into the air and shout 'NOTHING! I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!' and storm off. Boy, does that ruin a day!
I remember one time my ex came over to my house and she started to do some homework, so I went off to play videogames and let her be by herself. She finished and I came back to check on her to hangout, but was in the middle of the game with several other people... I said, 'Hey, I'm doing something right now, but if you want to hang out it's no big deal to stop.' She says she's fine... I come back maybe twenty minutes later and she explodes then storms out of the house! I am completely confused - she could have avoided the entire situation with a sentence!
The bizarre other end of the spectrum is that, when a guy puts all his effort into helping a girl with what she wants... He becomes clingy! YUCK, as they say! Then boom, it's over. Communication can solve ALL these problems.
Don't you guys have a head on your shoulders!! If you were so smart to understand she liked you when you first met why is it so hard to see if something you do looks bad or good for her? Do you need a thermometer to see its hot?
LBP may be your girl was trying to be nice and not spoil the whole company mood, then may be you just felt more convenient going on with your game thinking your girl is fine with it, then may be sometimes you can't erase feelings which has already caused tension in her, may be that's why she said 'NOTHING! I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM!', because she sees what your priorities are and knows she can't change it, don't ask her to like it though.
And most probably this situation is not just one of a kind, and may be your girl just doesn't feel right to be on the last places in your priorities. LBP are you sure you are also trying? Or just doing what you like like you used to when you were single? Effort is the key..
See, this is EXACTLY what the original post was talking about.Quote:
Originally Posted by Glimpse
If you say something is OK, DO NOT COMPLAIN when we act like it's OK. That's some Grade A passive-aggressive relationship-destroying malarkey. Either say what you mean, or don't say anything.
I definitely agree that assuming and guessing is a really poor substitute for asking and knowing.
But to ask and know, one must be able to talk and there is a lot more to talking than talking, there is listening too!
How good at people at that? Some aren't listening at all, including to themselves! LOL
Generally I would agree.But given the situation, imagine you were the girl, would you want to be the bad one. And as a whole we are all human, we are not perfect and we don't have complete power over our emotions. I can only talk from my side. Some times I (and many other girls I'm sure) try to agree so that everyone else is happy, but in cases like this one you just can't persuade yourselve to agree and get the tension inside. It's not bad to want to be good:confused: And yes sooner or later you have to face a conversation about this "passive-aggressive" behavior.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nosnosna
Yes you are right about one thing, we human are made so that you can't expect anyone else except for yourselv to care about your feelings. But it's just a matter of character.
You just need to find your match, communication doesn't only include words. That's what differs a friend from a loved one.
I'm not even a big video game palyer... I play them less than anyone else I know of my age and my gender... She knows this, in fact, it was something we used to joke about... It didn't matter. I had no problem stopping with the game. It's just a stupid game - her being happy was far more important to me. You can always pause the game or turn it off...
Was it a coincidence that she told me she was PMSing later in the evening... Maybe?
***
And so you know, Glimpse, the reason my girl gave to me when she finally dumped me was that I didn't give her enough space (despite helping her write the essay that got her sent across the ocean)... After being told that she dumped her last boyfriend because he didn't pay enough attention to her... After getting in trouble for not paying attention to her when playing video games for twenty minutes...
Can you see why we men get confused sometimes?
:) hey I like you;) good luck with the girl...Quote:
Originally Posted by LBP
Okay... the whole thing that guys don't get is that sometimes, if we have to tell you, it's pointless.
I'm married, but I got lucky... I got a guy that gets hints.
You complain about not reading minds... but we really do drop hints. We leave magazines open to ads for a vacation, we point out the commercial of something we want, we give you our ring size, we gaze longingly at the display in the store... we TELL you what we want, just not in so many words.
Asking for something ruins the possibility of being surprised.
Outright telling you what we want means that we just picked out our own gift... which sucks.
We tell you what we want. You just have to pay attention.
If women were to remind their guy everyday about how we feel, it would seem like whining or that you are just plain crazy.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
I think the "grab them when they walk in the door" approach is always better than words. A hot kiss says way more about how I feel than words ever could. Would that still be considered mind reading? Seems pretty clear to me.
<<Is it so hard to just confess what you actually think?>>
This was something that I really worked on in my last relationship, being completely honest about what I wanted and what I felt. Actually most of the time I didn't even have to say anything as he could completely read my mind, there was really some kind of pschicness there.
However now that I think of it he was the one who dropped hints! He was the one who hinted about his friend who's girlfriend did not like the music loud. I mean why not be direct and tell me HEY I want to play my music loud and it annoys me when you turn it down. OF course I did not pick up on those hints!Before I was used to men who were very direct.
So I think this goes both ways... Both genders need to tell exactly what they want and what they are not happy with in a nice non confrontational way of course.
Okay... THAT kind of hinting is unhealthy. I agree... why not just say "I like my music loud"?
I was thinking of things like gifts, romantic gestures, stuff like that. I have asked outright for stuff like that, but mostly it's mentioning (a while in advance) that I've always wanted to have a moonlight picnic in the zoo and then hoping that he'll plan it.
Hoping someone will read your mind on daily matters is just dumb, though. I mean, if you want to play loud music, or hate dishes stacked in the sink until the next morning, or want your shirts pulled out of the dryer right away so they don't wrinkle, or want your guy to spend Friday with you because you're bummed out for no good reason, even though the guys are watching the game... yeah, that's stuff that you should just say, not hint at. If you can't actually TELL your partner something, then you really have no right to be mad if they don't get it.
Actually I'm kind of understanding how annoying hinting can be, I've had 2 friends "hint" at me today for things they want done, but they would not come out and say "hey i need a lift to the airport can you take me", or "hey i would like you to babysit".So I totally ignored the "hints"!!
I like directness actually, I am very direct and say exactly what bothers me to my friends.
Some don't like it but my best friends do and for that they are the ones with who I have my best relationships.
I thought this was how it was with my ex, but perhaps I was wrong and he did not tell me directly what bothered him.
To add to WC's original post I've noticed in several posts where women admit to complaining to their man in an effort to get him to change. That is about the most backward and absurd thing you can do.
If you talk to men about your issue as respectable human being then your generally going to get a conversation and someone willing to help you solve it or address it. If you start complaining, nagging, or whinning about anything we are going to tune you out and nothing will ever change. At the most we'll half something just to make you be quiet for a little bit. But even that won't create consistent change as we have no desire to assist you in the future if were doing something out of spite in the present.
Much like WC said about women thinking we can read minds, I'm amazed so many women seem to think they can complain there way to a solution for anything. That is also not healthy for you, the guy, or the relationship.
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