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Chery · Apr 27, 2006, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by CroCivic91

It's me again...i'm having problems again.

So, my girl is being feeling down the past few weeks, and today i just couldn't stand it any more (we're back to being quiet for the whole day and just watching TV) and i started a conversation about it.

It seems like she is suffering from depression. In the past few days i can remember her agreeing to do something i proposed about 3 out of a million times i proposed something. She just can't find anything i propose interesting. The worst thing is - she doesn't know what she'd want to do herself. She agreed to go to the mountains with me for a few hours, bake muffins once (they turned out *delicious*, even though it was mostly me who made them) and go for a walk once.

I guess the thing that REALLY made her feel bad is the fact that today (in the morning) I got a job for which we both applied (Java coder).

She told me today she feels bad because she feels she's not the person for the jobs which we can get once we finish this university. She had to choose this university over the other one (in another city) because there was a war in my country recently, and her family lost EVERYTHING in that war, and they simply couldn't afford to pay her to go to univeristy in another city. Now she feels very unsatisfied with this one and she cried today.

I tried to help her, but she started acting hostile towards me when i tried to help her (by talking). She said she never wants to have this conversation with me ever again. After that, she wouldn't talk to me for an hour and a half, and then i decided i'd go home.

I really cannot understand her acts, and this kind of behaviour on her side really hurts me. I truly do not know what to do from now on.

Can someone please give me any advice...i would truly appreciate ANY input on this.

Again, in this you were too pushy, and 'european'. Most women like to be complimented, protected, and desired. We don't like to be pushed, guided, and coaxed into something to a point where it really gets tired.

She's tired of your 'fatherly' talks, wants some sponteneous time in her life, and does not feel you see her that way.

Stop with the lectures, stop with the 'business' of finding something 'constructive' for her do do, that you'd approve of. I don't think she was looking for a parent when she met you... so don't be one.

If you find her disireable, tell her, get romantic, and out of routine. There has been enough stress in your country and throughout the world, that a little prime time in just being two human beings, young and in love, would be the best medicine.

Maybe she just wants part of her childhood, or young adulthood that was missed - because of the conflicts. She needs to find peace and happiness real fast or you will loose her mentally as well as physically.

I don't know what else to say, just 'feel' her and not 'talk' her to death, and lots of luck.

Life is hard enough without us having to live up to other people's expectations. Just a little peace, warmth and comfort can go a long way.

CroCivic91 · Apr 27, 2006, 03:55 PM

Thank you all very much for your input... I'll take my time to think about this, and will get back to you.

cole31 · Jun 14, 2007, 04:37 AM

I used to be a TV addict. Then I got married at age 20 and moved into a new place and left the TV behind. I felt withdrawl, like constantly being bored with no flashing entertainment in front of me. No matter what I tried, I got irritated and impatient. With time, I started to relax and enjoy a quiet room, I started new hobbies I didn't realize I enjoyed. I actually cooked my husband a decent meal for once. I get soooo much more done in a day without my TV. I can study for school without turning my head at the sound of a TV on in the other room. :) now... I'm a myspace addict :P

Romeo_Bravo · Jul 2, 2007, 06:33 AM

Well, I'm imagining you're situation and I think I understand why this is a problem to you. Watching television all day is not healthy (been there). It can cause an depression, or at least an empty feeling something is missing (been there).

You say she quited painting after two days, as did she with growing plants, because she was too impatient. Maybe that means she is looking for a "faster" hobby. By that I mean something less calm then painting and something with more quick results (planting).
Since parajumping and bungeejumping is out of the question, something like surviveling or something could help.
Also, bring these suggestions subtle. Like, rent a movie or switch to a documantary about the hobby at hand. Then suggest, also subtle, you would like to do that with her sometime or something like that.

Another user said that you shouldn't be too fatherly. She was right, but it shouldn't go out of hand. If she watches TV as much as you say she does, this thing is getting out of hand. You can wait till this thing goes over by itself, but because this is already going a longer time, I don't think it will. At least you should get her in touch with other activities then watching TV with the movie/documentary-thing.

Just what I would do if I were you.
Good luck.

Elma · Dec 2, 2007, 01:21 PM

I don't think you are being too 'fatherly', you are just trying to do your best to help your girlfriend. My husband is in the same situation as you - he is trying to help me find a hobby. I find that when I have too much time on my hands I go a bit mad/depressed, which may be what has happened to your girlfriend. It's very easy to sit in front of the TV for eight hours at a stretch - believe me, I've done it, and I know I still watch too much TV. We went away recently and watched no TV - and didn't miss it a bit.

One thing my hubby suggested for me - creating my own website. If your girlfriend is into computers it might be worth a try? He's created his own already, and now I'm going to do mine. A great book to read is Head First HTML with CSS & XHTML (by Freeman & Freeman). It was the only book he needed.

At the same time, there could be some underlying depression there, based on her background. A hobby may help her to forget her problems for a while and feel better in herself, then once one of you has a job perhaps you can pay for some counselling?

I'm speaking from experience here! It is very easy to let negative thoughts spiral out of control - and with too much time on her hands that could be what's happening.

Keep up the good work - and good luck!

Xx

theecontessa · Dec 3, 2007, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by CroCivic91

I'd like to help my girlfriend find herself a hobby. We've talked about it, i asked her to explain to me what makes her happy in her life, and i've come to a conclusion that the only hobby she's really interested in is watching television.

Now i know that's, first of all, not healthy. She can lie in front of TV for 8+ hours a day (not every day, but hey...). Whatever she has to do around the house, or i ask her to do it with me, she is not happy about it. For example, i can talk her into helping me with making a cake, but she'll pretty soon get kind of "pissed off" doing it...she'll eventually do everything she has to, but after that she'll just go lie in front of TV and be in a bad mood. If I ask her: "Let's make lunch together", and we make some pasta (which she likes eating) she'll be ok with it, will get just a tiny bit "pissed off" with it, and as soon as she eats it, she'll go lie in front of TV.

She told me she'd like to paint and draw. I bought her pencils and paper and a book about drawing, and she was into it for 2 days. After that, it's all about watching the telly. Since money here in Croatia doesn't grow on trees, and i'm a student who doesn't make money yet, i cannot afford spending a lot of money on painting equipment, just to have her understand she likes TV better after a couple of days.

Money seems to be my biggest problem. She'd like to do things that cost money: travel, learn how to pilot a plane, drive a motorcycle, horseback riding... All of that is just way out of my league right now.

If i try to talk her into going for a walk, or in a park, she'll often like TV better.

She said she'd like to grow plants, and we bought some equipment for that, and after 2 days of planting the seeds in the ground, she's already getting "pissed off" at the seeds not growing up.

Whatever i try to talk her into doing, she'll say she doesn't really like doing it. It's kind of getting on my nerves a little, so i'm turning to you with question:

How do I help her find a hobby which will take her away from the TV and make her a happier (and more cheerful) person?

Try getting her to volunteer. Sometimes seeing those less fortunate helps one to appreciate what they DO have in life even if they don't realize it... just a thought...