My 29 year old daughter has stopped speaking to me, claims I have ruined her life, but is good friends with my husband, her dad, who consoles her, all while he and I are still living together and I help to take care of him because he is disabled. She came back home to live, but didn't want to follow my rules and so I asked her to leave. We have always h ad problems getting along as mother and daughter. She blames me for all the unhappiness in her life.

Is she still living with you or did she leave as you told her to?
Does consoling dad feed into her side of things or stick up for you and try to convince her to work things out with you?

You should have a talk with him and tell him that if she was willing to work with you and all that you feel you would have a better chance at things. Try and get him to realize that all the fighting isn't the answer.