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    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jul 12, 2009, 03:55 AM
    My 31 year old son turned on me
    Hello,
    I have a 31 year old son. When he was 3 years old his father and I divorced. I got re-married when he was about 7. I always thought that we had a good relationship. He is my only child. I did everything for him. He got married to who I thought was a wonderful girl at the time, in 2006. They gave me a wonderful grandson last November 23, 2009. One day after she had the baby... we were near where her grandmother lives. She had told me before that she was going to stay with her for awhile. I called my son 2 times on his cell, but he didn't answer. When I got home, I decided to write on his Face Book page "I tried to call you 2 times, but you didn't answer. We thought since we were in the vicinity, that if you and Mary were still at her grandmother's house, we could drop by to see the baby". OMG... he got so angry with me and called to yell at me about writing that on his page. I have a long fuse... I hung up... but the more I thought about it, the madder I got. I called him back and told him to NEVER talk to me in that tone of voice again. After all I have done for him, he still insists on treating my like chopped liver, and I would need an apology, then I hung up on him. He will NOT apologize. Then all of sudden he quit talking to me, stood me up on my birthday and did not even call on Mother's day. Mary was down with the baby one day and came to see me. She told me that my son is mad at his dad for always ignoring him... but he's also mad at me... thinking that I used his Nintendo gaming system when he was little for a babysitter, and that I "shuffled" him off to his bedroom and made him stay in there all the time. I was horrified when she told me that... these things are SO not true! I did everything for him... he is my only child after all. I cannot BELIEVE that he thinks I did these things! He is still talking to his dad... but refuses to talk to me... even to sit down and TELL me these things to my face. He refuses to answer his phone, any of his emails, and will not talk to me at all. We were at the same baby shower a few week-ends ago. He acted as if I weren't even there... refusing to even look at me. I sent him a certified letter which I know he received, but I can't assume that he read it. I am at my wit's end... he is a very stubborn man. I think that instead of apologizing to me... it's easier for him to just write me off. Oh, and he did the same thing to his best friend.
    Sorry this is so long...
    KittyBuck :confused::eek:
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
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    #2

    Jul 12, 2009, 05:03 AM

    Wow, he sounds quite stubborn, and doesn't seem like he is going to budge. I would just let things quiet down for now, as much as it hurts you. We all have arguments with our children, but they always seem to blow over. It sounds to me like he has a lot of resentment built up inside of him, and they always seems to take it out on the people they love. I wouldn't harp on the issue, I would just let it go for now. Hopefully he will come around and apologize to you for his actions. Telling him how mad you are and still are, won't resolve the situation. Apologize for writing on his Facebook, maybe by leaving a message for him on his phone. Then, its totally up to him, to get in contact with you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Jul 12, 2009, 08:46 AM
    Your both hurt, and angry, and little, if nothing will be accomplished, until you both have a chance to calm down, and think in a more rational way.

    Leave him alone until that happens, and I think your daughter in law is on your side in this. She obviously knows something's about him that you don't, and as a parent, its surprising to learn what our kids really feel, about those long forgotten events of yesterday, and how it effects them today.

    Back off mom, he is a big boy, and you have to let him deal with his conflicts as his own man.

    Good Luck to you.
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Jul 12, 2009, 02:18 PM

    To both Sully123 and Talaniman,
    I may not have explained myself clearly... I am NOT mad at my son... the point is... his anger at me writing on his Facebook, has turned into his thinking that I ignored and did things to him when he was young... that I did not do. My certified letter to him explained his dad's and I's divorce, as I has never discussed it with him.. and explained to him how much I love him and that if he thinks that I did these things to him... that was certainly not my intention... at the end of the letter I told him how much I love him and that there was nothing more I could do from my standpoint... and how I felt the ball was now in his court and what he chooses to do with it is entirely up to him. Well of course I have not heard from, but like I said before... I cannot assume that he read it. This is also a very religious person... which is really odd to me that he would not "honor thy mother and father"... and also judging is considered a sin... and yet he's doing both. I know my son pretty well... my thinking is that I've lost him... and he will never come back. He's also written off my entire family... not calling them on THEIR birthdays either... and they have nothing to do with what's going on between him and I. Sigh...

    KittyBuck
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
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    #5

    Jul 12, 2009, 02:49 PM

    I fully understand where your coming from. But now its up to your son to work through his issues and to make peace between the both of us. You wrote him a letter and explained in detail you had no intentions of ever hurting him. I still think he has a lot of resentment built up inside. Sometimes you need a cooling down period to resolve problems in a family. Don't give up he will be back, when he is ready. Why he isn't talking to the rest of the family you can only answer that.
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Jul 12, 2009, 02:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sully123 View Post
    I fully understand where your coming from. But now its up to your son to work through his issues and to make peace between the both of us. You wrote him a letter and explained in detail you had no intentions of ever hurting him. I still think he has alot of resentment built up inside. Sometimes you need a cooling down period to resolve problems in a family. Don't give up he will be back, when he is ready. Why he isn't talking to the rest of the family you can only answer that.


    Thank you so much. I don't know why he's also choosing to write off the rest of the family. I think he's so involved with his new family that he thinks he no longer needs the rest of us. Yes... I have been leaving him entirely alone. It is just so sad that I do not get to see my grandson often... only if Mary brings him to me...
    sully123's Avatar
    sully123 Posts: 567, Reputation: 148
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    #7

    Jul 12, 2009, 02:59 PM

    Well it sounds like Mary is on your side, with your grandson. That's a good thing. I wouldn't know what I would do if I didn't see my grandchildren. As I said just lay low right now, and let him come around when he is ready. Maybe your daughter in law can talk to him, and that might help it along. Your not alone, everyone in families have problems, but you work through them the best you can. Don't give up and good luck.. He will apologize.
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Jul 12, 2009, 04:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sully123 View Post
    Well it sounds like Mary is on your side, with your grandson. That's a good thing. I wouldn't know what I would do if I didn't see my grandchildren. As I said just lay low right now, and let him come around when he is ready. Maybe your daughter in law can talk to him, and that might help it along. Your not alone, everyone in families have problems, but you work through them the best you can. Don't give up and good luck..He will apologize.
    Thank you so much. It does help to have someone to talk to who isn't taking sides.

    KittyBuck
    Torrid13's Avatar
    Torrid13 Posts: 637, Reputation: 149
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    #9

    Jul 12, 2009, 06:33 PM

    He's also probably going through some extreme changes in his life, with a new baby. There's probably tension with his wife, too. Babies bring about big changes, and people's fuses get short.

    If he's doing this to other people, I wouldn't necessarily take it too personally. I know it hurts because he's your son and you've been there for him, but he's going through a lot. Now, I'm NOT saying that yelling at your mother is IN ANY WAY okay. I believe you should always be respectful, even if you don't agree with your parents. But, it seems to be a trend. I would leave him alone until he decides he wants to act like a man instead of a child.

    Good luck.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #10

    Jul 12, 2009, 06:51 PM

    It also sounds too me that maybe his father is filling his head with crap too.

    All I know is that it is way way over reaction. I can understand why your so taken back from it.

    He is obviously letting the past creep up to him and also the stress of a new baby and relationships can not help but stress him out.

    Usually the person you love, is the one that you take the stress out on. It does happen a lot it seems.

    Hopefully he will come around. It sounds pretty childish to me accusing you of doing these things now. Out of the blue like that.

    I hope and pray he turns out better then his father. Do you remember if his father went all funny and strange after having him?
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Jul 12, 2009, 09:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Torrid13 View Post
    He's also probably going through some extreme changes in his life, with a new baby. There's probably tension with his wife, too. Babies bring about big changes, and people's fuses get short.

    If he's doing this to other people, I wouldn't necessarily take it too personally. I know it hurts because he's your son and you've been there for him, but he's going through a lot. Now, I'm NOT saying that yelling at your mother is IN ANY WAY okay. I believe you should always be respectful, even if you don't agree with your parents. But, it seems to be a trend. I would leave him alone until he decides he wants to act like a man instead of a child.

    Good luck.
    Thank you so much... everyone's reply does make me feel a little bit better about it.

    KittyBuck
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Jul 12, 2009, 09:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesushelper76 View Post
    It also sounds too me that maybe his father is filling his head with crap too.

    All I know is that it is way way over reaction. I can understand why your so taken back from it.

    He is obviously letting the past creep up to him and also the stress of a new baby and relationships can not help but stress him out.

    Usually the person you love, is the one that you take the stress out on. It does happen a lot it seems.

    Hopefully he will come around. It sounds pretty childish to me accusing you of doing these things now. Out of the blue like that.

    I hope and pray he turns out better then his father. Do you remember if his father went all funny and strange after having him?

    No, his dad didn't go all funny and strange after having him. BUT when he was 3 years old... his dad wanted a divorce and would NOT tell me why. Later I found out from his best friend that he didn't want to be married anymore because he felt he couldn't support us ($$ wise). Great decision. He left me with the house mortgage and all the bills.

    I have been praying that my son will come around... but yes, he is a very stubborn person... and I do feel that it's much easier for him to write his own mother off, than to just apologize over the way he spoke to me. This could've all been OK if he would've just said "hi" to me and hugged me the night we all went out to dinner with his in-laws... but he ignored me the entire night. As time goes by I know it will be harder and harder for him to come around. Now, from reading his postings on his Twitter... I have found out that my daughter in law has had some interviews in a city about an hour north of Seattle WA (we live in Southern CA.) and they are wanting to move up there and out of state.

    Praying for a miracle...
    KittyBuck
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #13

    Jul 12, 2009, 09:54 PM

    Praying for that miracle too.
    KittyBuck's Avatar
    KittyBuck Posts: 7, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jul 12, 2009, 09:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jesushelper76 View Post
    Praying for that miracle too.
    THANKS... blessings upon you and your family... always!

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