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-   -   12 year old daughter sleeps with Dad (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=102401)

  • Jun 18, 2007, 07:10 PM
    goingoofy2
    12 year old daughter sleeps with Dad
    my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad... now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?

    ... I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.
  • Jun 18, 2007, 07:24 PM
    MishcaParker
    :confused: I am so sorry you are currently in this predicament. I know in today's overly sanitised society people tend to jump to conclusions but this does sound very unnatural and unhealthy to me. Whether your husband is aware or not there is a element of sexuality to this relationship, your husband may engage in this seeing only his innocent little girl but it is not innocent, this is harmful. I would recommend you have your husband watch Lolita, which is a true story and demonstrates very clearly how a young girl can manipulate an older man with her sexuality and whilst I am not nieve to sexual abuse nor am I nieve to the ability of us damaged females to use our sexuality to gain love or power, even if it is only in our minds. My concern is why is this girl so damaged already that she behaves in this manner what has or is going on? It is your moral and ethical responsibility to have her see a doctor and investigate this further. Wishing you all the best and my thoughts are with you.
  • Jun 18, 2007, 07:54 PM
    goingoofy2
    Thank you Mishca... His daughter never wanted the mom and dad to divorce as with most... He's pretty verbally abusive going nutz on the x-wife, me (of 7 years) and he's gone nuts on his daughter plenty of times however she still just cuddles up to him, almost as if she's attracted to the "bad" guy act. She likes me, but I believe she feels threatened and tries to dress like me or in some cases, sexier than me. The mother is extremely manipulative and I feel she's learning from her in how to get the "males" attention. What's creepy is she isn't deciphering between some male off the street (which is bad enough) vs. it being her father.

    I've spoke with many people who feel this needs to be stopped, yet my husband screams stating that this little girl has a mother that leaves for days on trips with her boyfriend/fiance du jour so she only has [male] dad to turn to. She's extremely close with grandma and her aunties, but they of course are not the male figure she's seeking. I still think it's sick since he should, as a father tell her it's just not healthy to be the way she is with him. I'm not thinking anything is going on, I just think he as a father needs to understand that this is not normal or healthy as to how she's behaving.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 08:10 PM
    Lacey5765
    I see several issues here. First you might remind him that CHIld Protective services could become involved if this info gets out. It is not normal. He may see her as a little girl but she is not acting like a little girl. He needs to see it for what it is. If she is is acting this way with her dad I have to wonder how she is with boys her own age. It sounds as if she has been taught the wrong ways to get love and attention from males. SHe may need to talk with a therapist about how to have healthy relationships with males. She may be heading down a very scary road.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 08:31 PM
    bushg
    Someone is abusing that child, maybe not the dad, maybe the mom's boyfriends but somebody. You are in a terrible situation. Get counseling by yourself, This man has real issues with women. He screams at the ex, you and the little 12 year old and cuddles her! How does he treat the 4 year old? What a sad situation I am at a loss for words. Good Luck
  • Jun 19, 2007, 09:10 PM
    goingoofy2
    Thank you again for all this info... I really need for dad to see this to shed some light on the situation, he thinks my family and friends and others mentioning her behavior have an ax to grind with he and his daughter when in reality it's only a matter of pointing out how unhealthy and unnatural what she's doing... her mom is a very manipulative woman using her body (huge breast job) and all the rest to go with it to attract men. The daughter evidently feels this is the correct way to attract the male species. I have a 16-year-old boy who's even said, my God mom; she's being pretty flirtatious. He's the one who should have the raging hormones and I've never once had to say something to him.

    As creepy as it sounds, I feel I need to watch her around my 4 year old as well, which is a sick feeling, but it is what it is. I've brought this up to my husband in the past and just lately it's really become a problem. He and I are not talking because he thinks I'm taking out on the daughter what the mom has taught her, which is so untrue; I'm only pointing out what is just not normal. The framed pic is what really sent me over the edge but he brushed it off and said, “you act as if I called and asked for a pic of her in a bikini, what is your problem”. I really have a mess here and I hope that my husband will agree to talk with a professional telling him how unnatural this is. Thanks again for all your kind responses.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 09:36 PM
    beachgurly06
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad ...now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?

    ...I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.

    I find it very odd. Not to sound disgusting but the daughter may have some sick twisted attraction to her father. Maybe it would help if you started sleeping in the room with your husband and try to bear the snoring and start telling this little preteen that she needs to grow up and start sleeping in her own bed like other girls of her age. And if it pursues further then I do not think it would be horrible if you did divorce your husband. This girl sounds kind of sadistic towards her father and that is just disgusting.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 09:37 PM
    Dennis777
    Hello.

    Sending you a great Big Hug... Your husband has more problems then your step daughter does for letting her play this game. At the least he is enjoying her attention and at the worst he is asking for it. I know in California he would be held accountable for his actions if the authorities where called.

    Lets Look at what you need to do now. If he can't understand why this is hurting you then he needs help and if he will not get help then you need to look at what will happen when your child gets older. I never like to say get out before its to late but in this case I see real problem long term. Not just with his daughter but with his lack of action when you ask him to change his life style when it comes to his daughter. I would bet he does as he wants in many other areas of his life also.

    Good Luck
    Dennis777
  • Jun 19, 2007, 09:45 PM
    goingoofy2
    Thanks so much... you guys are really shedding the light I needed on this subject... thank you thank you.

    Beachgurl... I thought the same thing. I even brought it up that "your daughter acts as if she's attracted to you or something with always acting like she's soooo into your [adult] conversations about nothing at all" He says, well for your information, some people enjoy listening to me... okay, always on the defensive.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 10:15 PM
    bushg
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    Thanks so much ... you guys are really shedding the light I needed on this subject ... thank you thank you.

    You need to sit down and be honest with yourself, Sit back and think about how he makes you feel, how does he treat the 4 year old and your 16 year old... I am assuming from a previous relationship. He has a pic of u in a bikni on his desk at work? I'm sorry but I find that kind of teenagerish. Honey you really need to take a cold hard look at this situation. You can't do anything about the ex wife but the $hit that is going on with step daughter is uncalled for. I would bet my paycheck that someone is having sexual contact with this girl. There are to many signs. This is sick do not continue to expose your four year old to this. Remember this 12 year old girl is not the enemy, she is a victim as well. Please get yourself and those kids some help. Good luck
  • Jun 19, 2007, 10:32 PM
    vlee
    Hello? Get real! The problem here is not an overly or inappropriate sexual relationship between daughter and father! It is JEALOUSY! Jealousy on the OP's part (who I may remind you all is the ADULT) and a teen girl who desperately craves her dad's attention. Goofy, you gave yourself that name for good reason... you are acting on the impulses of a child... just like the ones you claim are so wrong. She is a KID. She will vie for dad's attention, and if you don't find a way to help her through this phase and build a relationship with her outside of dad, you will lose him, because his daughter is going nowhere. You sound insecure and unable to understand the view of a young girl who feels her dad is turning his attention away from her for you. My advice is GROW UP. After all, you pride yourself on being the adult, so act like it. Learn some compassion and try to look at this crappy life a 12 year old has been dealt from her point of view before you go labeling things sick, wrong, or inappropriate.

    Who the hell said she was sexually abused bushg?? Are you psychic? Because the OP's description is in no way definitive of sexual abuse!! It only indicates a young girl being angry that her dad is giving time and attention to some one else. And she is trying to gain it back the same way she SEES it being taken! You are ASSUMING something that is not true or proven! THESE ARE NOT THE SIGNS OF A SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILD, no matter how many times you throw a red dot out!! You clearly have no education in areas of abuse, so please don't lecture me!
  • Jun 19, 2007, 10:59 PM
    goingoofy2
    Vlee ... FYI... I haven't a jealous bone in my body and those who know me are fully aware of this. I have friends that are beautiful models and I have no problem with them around my husband... the mere fact that this 12 year old is being taught to act inappropriately is the problem. The mother has the head of a 60 year old on a 38 year old body, (I knew her previously... everyone does) she doesn't bother me one bit and for the record... I am very comfortable with who I am... it is what the daughter is doing with and around the father... hopefully you can read what was posted and understand this a little more before jumping to conclusions. Bottom line is, my husband craves the approval of his children since he doesn't like the adults telling him it's wrong; this is at 50 years old, I find this rather odd and that Vlee is why I came on board to ask others opinions.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:06 PM
    bushg
    I have plenty of education on sexual abuse! EXPERIENCE! She has signs and someone needs to get her help!!
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:07 PM
    goingoofy2
    [QUOTE=bushg]You need to sit down and be honest with yourself, Sit back and think about how he makes you feel, how does he treat the 4 year old and your 16 year old... I am assuming from a previous relationship. He has a pic of u in a bikni on his desk at work? I'm sorry but I find that kind of teenagerish.



    The pic of me is on his desk in our home... it's in his home office... I think the daughter has seen (or heard) her mother with other men and maybe wants to explore, however I don't think it should be with her father for crying out loud. And we have heard she chases the boys at her school too... boy this is so messed up. I've threatened to leave several times and he'll buy me flowers, make me dinner, run my bath, have his friends talk me out of it... so he isn't trying to get me to leave. My boys are what matters most and from what a counselor said on another site, help is needed fast with this situation just being so unhealthy. Thanks for your time on all this Bushg.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:14 PM
    bushg
    Going... you are a grown woman, You need to stand up for those kids. If you choose to take him screaming at you well so be it, but those kids deserve better, I am not saying that he is abusing his daughter but It sure looks like someone is . I have known many victims of abuse and she has some of the classic signs. Call a hotline and talk to sexual abuse counselors and see what they think about her behavior. But do something to help out the children in your family.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:23 PM
    goingoofy2
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by bushg
    going... you are a grown woman, You need to stand up for those kids. If you choose to take him screaming at you well so be it, but those kids deserve better, I am not saying that he is abusing his daughter but It sure looks like someone is . I have known many victims of abuse and she has some of the classic signs. call a hotline and talk to sexual abuse counselors and see what they think about her behavior. But do something to help out the children in your family.


    You are a dear... no, I do not care to be screamed at, this is one of the issues I hate most. I honestly don't believe anything is going on with he and the daughter, it's just her behavior around him that's so creepy. It's when I said something about the pic he received that this whole thing finally blew up. He and I have different backgrounds and he thinks I'm being overly cautious and need to just calm down. From the looks of this site and others I don't think I'm too far off the beaten path here in thinking this just isn't healthy. Thanks Bushg
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:24 PM
    ashleysb
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Lacey5765
    First you might remind him that CHIld Protective services could become involved if this info gets out.

    Can this really get a parent in trouble? My parents divorced when I was 11 and from then to about the time I was 13, I slept with both my parents, depending on who's house I was at. There divorce completely shattered everything I had known, and I needed comfort. I understand this girl seems more extreme than my situation though. I personally think she is just jealous of the step mom. She doesn't want another woman stealing her daddy's attention. I would definitely try to get her some help though.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:34 PM
    goingoofy2
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ashleysb
    Can this really get a parent in trouble? My parents divorced when I was 11 and from then to about the time I was 13, I slept with both my parents, depending on who's house I was at. There divorce completely shattered everything I had known, and I needed comfort. I understand this girl seems more extreme than my situation though. I personally think she is just jealous of the step mom. She doesn't want another woman stealing her daddy's attention. I would definitely try to get her some help though.



    Oddly enough, the mother has sent her to seek counseling for what she stated, "she's having difficulty with the divorce" fact is, they divorced when she was only 13 months old, so obviously she has issues with other things, but the father does not believe in therapist, he thinks if you can't work them out at home then you have real problems... and yes we have a problem here. Hopefully I can convince him to at least sit down with someone to discuss the real issues here. Thanks again guys.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:37 PM
    bushg
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ashleysb
    Can this really get a parent in trouble? My parents divorced when I was 11 and from then to about the time I was 13, I slept with both my parents, depending on who's house I was at. There divorce completely shattered everything I had known, and I needed comfort. I understand this girl seems more extreme than my situation though. I personally think she is just jealous of the step mom. She doesn't want another woman stealing her daddy's attention. I would definitely try to get her some help though.

    I see nothing wrong with parents sleeping in the same bed with their children. But is does tend to make them insecure if it happens to often. This little girl is exhibiting inappropriate behavior, and her father does not seem to be concerned. I truly believe if the authorties were told this exact story and came into the house while father and daughter were in bed as step mom describes, they would remove the child from the home.
  • Jun 19, 2007, 11:42 PM
    goingoofy2
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by bushg
    I truly believe if the authorties were told this exact story and came into the house while father and daughter were in bed as step mom describes, they would remove the child from the home.

    Bushg... those exact words came from a friend of mine too... I was told to take a picture of them sleeping and show it to dad as to how it looks but thought that was being a little out of line.

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