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    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #41

    Jun 21, 2007, 06:53 AM
    Yes Bushg... I think that's a yes...
    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
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    #42

    Jun 21, 2007, 07:41 AM
    Just a thought here. You say your husband is concerned about his public image. How does he feel about the guys knowing that you don't sleep together? Or that his teenage daughter is ? Maybe you should also put on nice (not provocative) night gown on and start sleeping with your husband. I wonder if your step daughter would still want to be in there with you there. My children are so embarrassed if my husband and I are the least bit affectionate to each other so maybe she will be totally grossed out by the thought of you two together. I still agree with the others that she is overly sexualized for her age and needs help. She is a victim but you can't allow her to take more victims with her. I hope that Friday goes well. How about a church program for teens? Are you all involved in any church they may have teens that could be a better example to her?
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #43

    Jun 21, 2007, 09:17 AM
    I think that's the problem... whenever she notices my husband and I becoming affectionate she turns on the charm. If I'm even within ear sight, she'll run over to him and wrap her arms around his waist and put her head on his chest... walking with him while he's walking, or if he's sitting, throwing her legs across his... just goofy. If my husband slaps me on the butt or kisses my head she'll go over and say, "daddy, can we go outside, it's a nice day" if my husband has his arm around me on the left, she'll run over to his right. Trust me she doesn't want me affectionate towards him or vice versa.

    **he'll tell people I am a light sleeper and I am unable to function during the day if I don't get a good night's sleep, therefore I sleep in the guest room... see how the problem reverts back to me.

    My husband just informed me he called the sister from an outing he was at with her group ...ohhh, okay, so a nun that you pulled the charm on and "yes ma'amed" and "god bless you ma'amed" I'm suppose to believe is going to understand this. You have to know this man, he is completely opposite in public than he is at home ...he has to be, that is what he's paid for. I came in yesterday to hear him screaming terrible obscenities at least 4-5 in a row because my 4 year old thru the teddy bear up in the air and it hit the ceiling fan 11 feet high ... it didn't cause any damage, it's just his normal response to things ...but the sister sees him in a different light. I'll give him credit for calling, however I think it's in hopes this (52 year old) sister will side with him. I'll pray she can see right thru him ...

    Seriously, I don't think he and I are going to last, it's just not healthy the things around my boys and me, and it took this site and my letting it out to realize this. Nonetheless, I was hoping he could see others opinion's rather than my own or my family and friends... he tries to make them and me all who are mostly successful people, sound like we have no idea what we are talking about.

    Thanks again for your input Lacey

    Again, the appointment with the psychologist is next Friday... seems like a long time, but hopefully in the two hour session she is going to allow we can shed some professional light on all this. Looks like I'll be going myself however.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #44

    Jun 21, 2007, 09:43 AM
    My 16 year old is a boy... who thinks the 12 year old is a little too flirtatious and around he and his friends... but otherwise doesn't say a whole lot about the situation.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #45

    Jun 21, 2007, 09:47 AM
    " I discipline my boys and they respect my decision and my 16 yr old is very well behaved", she just sasses. " it's just not healthy the things around my boys and me" from these two statement I am trying to understand the gender of the 16 year old.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #46

    Jun 21, 2007, 09:47 AM
    Is she over friendly to him? Sorry u answered wjhile I was typing. Sometimes it takes outsiders to be able to see things as they are, sometimes being to close to a situation and loving people clouds our judgements. The thing now is that you are aware of things that are going on with you and your children and you are willing to make changes. When it comes down to it you really only have say so over you and your two boys. Make sure that you do what is right by them. :)
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #47

    Jun 21, 2007, 09:50 AM
    Genders are both boys... my statement meant my boys respect what I say, the 4 year old has some learning still, however my 16 year old is very well behaved
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #48

    Jun 21, 2007, 10:08 AM
    Thanks a bunch Bushg... according to him outsiders are jealous of him so they'll say outlandish things... My family or friends do not even know the half of it, I couldn't tell them everything, they would never accept him around.

    Thankfully I'm able to open up a little more on this site and realize it's just an all around sad situation.

    Thank u again!
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #49

    Jun 21, 2007, 10:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    Seriously, I don't think he and I are going to last, it's just not healthy the things around my boys and me, and it took this site and my letting it out to realize this. Nonetheless, I was hoping he could see others opinion's rather than my own or my family and friends ...he tries to make them and me all who are mostly successful people, sound like we have no idea what we are talking about.
    I agree that the oversexualized 12 year old daughter quite likely has been or is being sexually abused by somebody, but even if she's just insecure and jealous and trying to use the tools her mother taught her to get her dad's attention, it's still a very unhealthy situation.

    Ultimately though, her relationship with her father is out of your hands. What's not out of your hands is your response to his emotional abuse and controlling behavior toward you and your boys. Your priority should be to decide how you're going to deal with that. I would make that the primary focus of your session with the therapist on Friday.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #50

    Jun 21, 2007, 11:31 AM
    I would never try to take the daughter away from her father or interfere in that bond. (until this) I did all I could for my husband for almost 2 years with reports and filings and investigating the mother and her behavior with the men, the bars and late nights out while the daughter was at home alone.. I insisted he try and get custody... he said no, the daughter should be with her mother. More likely his selfish behavior and not wanting 100% responsibility. It's just all a mess guys.
    heartofgold21's Avatar
    heartofgold21 Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #51

    Jun 21, 2007, 11:44 AM
    Ireally think you should sit down with your husband AND his daughter and talk about the situation, if both agree its just a father to daughter bond or get defensive than all you can do as a step mom is keep an eye on it. I think the situation though is very discusting and you are making your own life a hell whole with your husband, I think he and his daughter need therapy if they think that behavior is okay. I once had a friend who's daughter was taking showers with her dad and she was 10 going on 11, these whole daughter father things are quite creepy and this behavior is more than love, its sensuality. I say sit them down...
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #52

    Jun 21, 2007, 12:16 PM
    Do you think I would be hammered if I tried to sit down with the two of them... they are both very defensive people. She'll say, "OMG, whatever" when a subject comes up that she doesn't agree with... as when she was approached with bragging who her father was and how it wasn't a very good way to conduct herself... she denied it and said she'd NEVER say that... several people came into my business stating they always know who she is since she's always saying her dad**** this and her dad*** that (saying his name). I would love to sit down with [the normal] family and talk about the situation...

    One other thing... I think the mother and grandmother may in fact be involved in this... she's just been overly affectionate these past several months with no regard to my comments. The mother and grandmother helped create the bikini photo for father's day... it's sick!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #53

    Jun 21, 2007, 12:17 PM
    You, and your husband, should be a united front to guide all the children in knowing what roles they play in the household, and what is the correct way to act. The biggest problem I see, is the adults are at odds, and cannot lead the children to adulthood, as a unit. Counseling is so needed to put you, and your husband, on the same page.
    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
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    #54

    Jun 21, 2007, 02:43 PM
    I think you may be right goofy. Trying to talk with them together will make them defensive and unite against you. You somehow need to make your husband see how unhealthy the daughter is. Would he be willing to read some literature on teens? How does he feel about the strong possibility of her being sexually active and early pregnancies? Most dads don't want to think of their girls with boys. Maybe if he can see that her behaviors with him are not going to be limited to him. She most likely will be (if not already) a very promiscues young woman. If he could see that her behavior is not that of a normal 12 yo then maybe you can get united. He will have to be the one to stop the behavior. ANything you say will only likely push her towards more undesirable behaviors. It does sound like she is jealous of your relationship and he will have to make things clear with her that he values her relationship as a daughter but will set limits. If she sees that you are united I think it will go a long way to help her.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #55

    Jun 21, 2007, 03:19 PM
    If my husband was a mature individual this would all be great, however he has stated to her how much he loves her, my 4-year old and me just the same and she has to deal with that... however if he and I are on the outs, he'll go along with anything she says just to have a "companion" on his side. He hates, hates to be wrong so even if a 12 year old humors him, he's happy... I've told him how wrong and confusing he is but he denies being this way; so many of us see what he does so obviously it's not something made up.
    UsBlkgal's Avatar
    UsBlkgal Posts: 83, Reputation: 9
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    #56

    Jun 21, 2007, 03:25 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad ...now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?

    ...I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.
    I'm not a liberal or anything but there are those who would consider a man sleeping with "nubile, leggy" thing as a form of childmolestation whether they aren't or are doing anything but sleeping... God bless you!
    atlallstar's Avatar
    atlallstar Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #57

    Jun 21, 2007, 03:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad ...now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?

    ...I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.
    NO when i waz 12 i wanted to have my own room i never slept with my parents and i never wanted to...because they were my parents and i wanted to give them there time alone...mostly at night..lol

    the point is if you think it is wrong that that is your thing
    i love my dad and i sat on his lap...but i never did what this little girl does

    why dont u talk to her or somthing and no way you arent wrong do what you feel is right




    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #58

    Jun 21, 2007, 05:35 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by slurpiness
    If her mother is aware of this she would have filed legal actions for both of you and your husband already. but i dont really see concrete proof that he abused her nor she does which would be unrealistic. well I dont know. i think the answers lies on your head no offense.

    Wellllll, truth be known, the mother made an accusation several years back about the daughter and father... we all laughed it off knowing she would say things just to say them, she brought it up in court but never pursued it... in any event, I don't think this is a molestation thing... it's just a creepy situation that is very unnatural.
    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
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    #59

    Jun 21, 2007, 05:35 PM
    Well, if you are not able to help him see how wrong this is then I would say protect your children. You may need proof of what is going on later. I am thinking of the future if things are not able to work out with you two. You may need pictures to have in a case of a custody battle with your own children. It doesn't sound as if he will be reasonable and not make good judgements for your 4 yo when he is a teen. Is there a way to take a picture or record a conversation without him being aware? I wouldn't want you to be put in a dangerous position with him. I am sorry that things are so wrong for you. He should have never put the 12 yo on the same level as you. We should always show our children that our first alliance is to our spouse and together we parent.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #60

    Jun 21, 2007, 05:42 PM
    I would really like to know how to go about proving more of this... he's on guard now so nothing will transpire anytime soon... nonetheless, my biggest concern is with my 4 year old and he having to deal with those two if [when] I leave him. He's more than likely going to tell her something so how do I go about it from this point on. If it stops great, but who knows when I'm not home.

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