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twizzler09 · Jul 4, 2009, 05:38 AM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Trust your intuition. If you feel creeped out by him, then you're probably right.

As a teenager, your body and your bedroom are your space and the boundaries you establish need to be respected.

Have a talk to your mother - for example, in the car (without him) and be really clear about how you feel. Don't call him a perv or she'll get defensive - just ask her to let him know that you want your boundaries respected and you would like him not to ask you personal questions. Let her know that you want to take your time to get to know him, and he's making you feel uncomfortable. It's her responsibility to have this conversation with him, not yours.

In the meantime, perhaps you can put a sign on the bedroom door that says, "My space. Please don't come in without asking" - or something like that.

Keep telling your mother if he continues to behave like this. She needs to hear about it even if she's in denial.

Hm... well I've talked to my mom plenty of times, but she doesn't do anything... That's why I was going to take someone else's advice of just talking to my step dad instead.

N0help4u · Jul 4, 2009, 07:01 AM

Often moms are in denial and refuse to see conflict or sexual problems between their kids and THEIR GUY. They don't want it to boil down to having to choose between their man or their kids. So they say you are just imagining things.
Get a camcorder or tape recorder and when he approaches you turn it on without him knowing. Put one of those little hooks on your bedroom door so you can hook the door shut when you are in your room.

Also tell him I know you claim you want to get to know us better and all but I am a person that needs my space. I don't like or appreciate my personal space invaded so that means please keep a distance of at least three feet. Thank you.

twizzler09 · Jul 4, 2009, 07:27 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Often moms are in denial and refuse to see conflict or sexual problems between their kids and THEIR GUY. They don't want it to boil down to having to choose between their man or their kids. So they say you are just imagining things.
Get a camcorder or tape recorder and when he approaches you turn it on without him knowing. Put one of those little hooks on your bedroom door so you can hook the door shut when you are in your room.

Also tell him I know you claim you want to get to know us better and all but I am a person that needs my space. I don't like or appreciate my personal space invaded so that means please keep a distance of at least three feet. Thank you.

The camera and hook think won't work. I don't even drive! How am I supposed to get that.
Oh, and that's something somewhat like what I was going to tell him

N0help4u · Jul 4, 2009, 07:31 AM

Hopefully you can come up with a way to get your mom to believe you. I will try to keep thinking of something.

s_cianci · Jul 4, 2009, 07:44 AM

How old are you? And how long did your mom and step dad date before getting married? Certainly there should have been time devoted to your now-step dad and you getting to know each other before he and your mother took the plunge. Of course there will be adjustment issues. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with such personal questions like "are you a virgin?" And the whole bedroom thing sounds pretty irregular as well. But keep sharing your concerns with your mother. Don't blame or accuse but keep her posted. The idea is to keep her informed without putting her on the defensive. If she continues to try and blame it on "adjustment", say something like "Yeah, I understand the whole adjustment thing but this really has nothing to do with adjustment. It's just an irregular behavior that doesn't make any sense to me."

s_cianci · Jul 4, 2009, 07:55 AM

How long did your stepfather date your mother before they married?

Originally Posted by twizzler09

I'm not sure... a few months maybe?

Holy crap! Is that all? This man is still practically a stranger to you, your sister and your mother. This certainly changes things a bit. Keep your distance from this man. And not that you can cause it to materialize but I think your mother needs some serious counseling. No way should she, who's already divorced at least once, from your father (or so I presume), be marrying a man and bringing him into your family after only "a few months", especially since he's exhibited such irregular behaviors.

s_cianci · Jul 4, 2009, 08:02 AM

My biological father passed away a few years ago.

Please accept my condolences. And forgive me for assuming that your mother was a divorcée. We all know what they say about "assume", right? But I still feel that this marriage was way too premature and that's a definite red flag.

twizzler09 · Jul 4, 2009, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

How old are you? And how long did your mom and step dad date before getting married? Certainly there should have been time devoted to your now-step dad and you getting to know each other before he and your mother took the plunge. Of course there will be adjustment issues. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable with such personal questions like "are you a virgin?" And the whole bedroom thing sounds pretty irregular as well. But keep sharing your concerns with your mother. Don't blame or accuse but keep her posted. The idea is to keep her informed without putting her on the defensive. If she continues to try and blame it on "adjustment", say something like "Yeah, I understand the whole adjustment thing but this really has nothing to do with adjustment. It's just an irregular behavior that doesn't make any sense to me."

I'm 14... and I'm not exactly sure how long they dated, but I know it had to have been a few months at least.

twizzler09 · Jul 4, 2009, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Holy crap! Is that all?! This man is still practically a stranger to you, your sister and your mother. This certainly changes things a bit. Keep your distance from this man. And not that you can cause it to materialize but I think your mother needs some serious counseling. No way should she, who's already divorced at least once, from your father (or so I presume), be marrying a man and bringing him into your family after only "a few months", especially since he's exhibited such irregular behaviors.

Yeah, that's what I think too! Although I would never just walk up to her and be like "Mom I think you should consider counseling."... awkward.

FYI: She wasn't divorced

twizzler09 · Jul 4, 2009, 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Please accept my condolences. And forgive me for assuming that your mother was a divorcee. We all know what they say about "assume", right? But I still feel that this marriage was way too premature and that's a definite red flag.

It's okay.

JudyKayTee · Jul 4, 2009, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Please accept my condolences. And forgive me for assuming that your mother was a divorcee. We all know what they say about "assume", right? But I still feel that this marriage was way too premature and that's a definite red flag.

So what time frame would you consider to not be "way too premature"?

s_cianci · Jul 5, 2009, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

So what time frame would you consider to not be "way too premature"?

Certainly more than "a few months." Realistically, given the circumstances, I'd say at least a year.

N0help4u · Jul 5, 2009, 07:58 AM

A year, a few months or whatever time frame often guys can and do hide things, I doubt even a year or more would have made a difference in the OP's mother seeing that he may be a potential perv.
She doesn't want to see it, She is in denial and not believing what her daughter is saying.
When love is blind time frames often don't mean much.

JudyKayTee · Jul 5, 2009, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Certainly more than "a few months." Realistically, given the circumstances, I'd say at least a year.

A discussion for another Board but I think it depends on the circumstances. I don't think - again - that a blanket judgment can be made here.

If her mother won't listen, then the OP has to go to a responsible adult and get that person to listen.

Maybe it's true; maybe it's not. Let a responsible adult figure it out. But until "we" know it is or isn't true, then I think blaming the mother (who presumably has more knowledge of the situation than "we" have) is premature.

jackie73 · Jul 5, 2009, 08:29 AM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I'm guessing the OP is female by the style of writing and the concerns brought up.

It's time to tell your mother that you're okay with him adjusting to your family but you're not okay with the touching, the personal questions or the invasion of your personal space.

You don't know him, you have the right to guard yourself and to limit the contact to what you're comfortable with.

The part where he came into your room and then tried to shut the door, major alarms went off in my head.

Also, the personal questions. That's a bit much. Yes, talk, ask questions, but to ask about your sexual experience, that's just not sitting well with me.

If you feel weird about it there's probably a reason. Go with your gut, don't let your guard down.

Better safe than sorry.

I agree to all this advice. I don't want to spook you, but the mental health profession has a term for this. "Grooming". When a pedophile does this, he(she) seeks to build an adult-like rapport w/ victim,' testing the waters' , boundaries to gauge your reaction. I suggest you politely keep your distance until you know for sure. If your sister is mature enough to understand all this, explain this to her, otherwise, do make sure she knows she can come to you. God bless you and good luck!

lyndyd · Oct 13, 2009, 02:23 PM

I’m a new step dad and I love my wife’s two kids and would not dream off asking thoughts kind of questions or imposing on there personal space but I love to give them hugs and kisses to let them know I care. If you feel like there is something wrong don't let this go on talk to your mum and him together and set up some boundary’s you are OK with. You sound like a smart kid don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Look it may be nothing but don’t chance it