Ok my sister is a control freak.

It all starts back when I was born. She was jealous as a child (she was 6 when I was born) even though mum would give me one knee and her the other.

Then when I het 12 I started what she did more. She would pay more attention to one of my friends (Skye) then me. Her 18th birthday was basically breaking point for me. Her friend asked me if Skye was my sisters sister as she kept hugging her. I tried to hug her that night and she pushed me away.

I grew to resent her. She would push me away if I tried to get close to her and made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be her sister.

So now that I'm 21 she wants to be close again but I don't want to. She is so controlling!
I couldn't go places cause she didn't like it. The day I got my license was the day she tried to control me more. She would tell my mum to not let me go out (mum told her off). And now I have a boyfriend and I kept it a secret from her for the first year as she would have tried to break us up.

She is so rude to my boyfriend JUST because he is my boyfriend. He has never done anything to me or her for her to feel like that.

She is currently overseas and has been for over a year but comes pretty soon. I haven't spoken to her since the last time she came to visit because she was so rude to my boyfriend just because he was at our house (live with parents).

I honestly don't want a relationship with her. But mum keeps bugging me to talk to her and make amends. But as I keep saying to mum. Why do I always have to give in? My whole life I've walked around her like she's about to blow up. I don't want to put my life on hold for her and her controlling ness.

What can I do to make her leave me to live my life? Me and mum tried to do a confrontation with here she ended up hyperventaliting and crying then two weeks later back to controlling me.

Wish she would stay in the UK!

This is not an easy situation, but I do have a few observations and suggestions.

You're only 21. You've got a whole life ahead of you, so why put yourself through torture with your sister?

This is the time for you to build your own life, especially now that she's away, you definitely have more freedom. Maybe one day, you will be able to make amends with her, but why force yourself to do something that you don't want?

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose family. She will always be your sister, regarless of whether you have a good relationship.

I still think that one day you should try to rebuild a relationship with her, but maybe that day is not today. For now, focus on your own life. Gain some confidence in yourself and your abilities. Get a good education and a good job. Once you've established yourself, then I think that you would be in a better position to build a bond with her. But until then, focus on yourself.

Maybe its time to bury the hatchet, and instead draw some boundaries- in advance of her return home.

Send her an email, or write her a letter, and without sounding accusatory or bitter, tell her that you are willing to see her at your mother's house, and do not want to argue or have a confrontational scene. Tell her you respect her as an adult, or any guest in your mother's home as far as that goes, but, she must keep her personal opinions of your life, to herself.

Consequently, tell her that you will not make judgments on her. And that includes her life, her boyfriends, her friends, etc. It will have to work both ways.

She is 27 years old, and can certainly expect the same boundaries with other people in her life, such as her boss, her boyfriend, her friends. Ask her to be at least as considerate to you as she is to others.

Boundaries, when crossed, if they are crossed when she's home, shouldn't result in a huge fight. Just realize when you are getting upset with what she's saying/doing, and get up and leave. Let her defend her own words without an audience to feed from.

For your mother's sake, agree to disagree with your sister if you have to, to keep the peace. Both of you should consider that your behaviour is upsetting and stressful to anybody within earshot, especially your mother.

I hope you can let go of the past, and forge a set of groundrules that you can both live by, in a mature, mutually respectful way.

I suspect that all of this situation occurred when you were young.There is quite a large gap between you both, no doubt a lot of the time your sister was asked to watch out for you, being the eldest, as you grew so did your sister and I think that there would have been continued responsibility put upon her to watch out for you, there I believe the problem began, she developed a protective,controlling behaviour toward you as the years went by.

Also at the same time resentment would have crept in, as in many families, the youngest seems to get away with almost everything.

You often hear Mums /Dads saying, " oh let them have it she/he is only little", or " leave them alone she/he is younger then you".

I've seen this many times, it's just a maternal thing,parents don't mean to give in, but usually it's to stop the child crying or acting up.The phraze parents often use is... give it to them just to keep the peace.

There were probably many occasions where you were fussed over being the youngest and maybe your sister felt a bit left out.

Your Mum would have been totally oblivious to any of this loving each of you the same, never the less the circle has to be broken.

I am certain that your sister loves you to bits but cannot break this circle, that's if she even realizes that this is how she behaves toward you.

As you say she has been away for some time, I think you should be totally normal with her... UNTIL SHE STEPS OUT OF LINE TOWARD YOU OR ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS.

If this happens you must confront her there and then (not leave it until later) tell her you are an adult and make your own decisions and would appreciate her keeping her oppinions about what ever it may be to her self. If she has a problem then tell her you will speak to her later.

Obviously you may choose to word things differantly but you get the drift of what I am saying. If she continues to try to control you, walk away each time, eventually she will get the message.

This is only my opinion from what I have read in your post.
I am sure once the air has been cleared regarding this matter you will become not only sisters but good mates as well.

Goodluck

Everyone else has given great advice. I just want to give you another perspective. I'm an older sister too. And since my mom did very little mothering, I got stuck in that role of sister/mother. I live across the state from my little brother, he turns 18 this month so at least legally, he's practically an adult. Guess what. I still call him any time I hear he's doing anything I perceive as stupid or anything that I can see could screw up his future. And I know he sometimes sees me as controlling, but I still feel the need to look out for him. I try to balance it and make sure I come off as well-meaning as I am. But I know I don't always meet that goal. I'm very picky about who he dates too.

Maybe your sister really doesn't care and just likes to be controlling. But maybe there's more too it than that. Maybe she can't ignore the instinct to want to protect you. It's hard to see people you care about and saw as babies grow up.

Justcurious55 I see where your coming from. But My mum always gave us equal attention. If mum was playing with me my eldest sister would play with my sister. And if mum was playing with her my eldest sister would play with me. Even up until recently my mum would make me comply to my sisters rules. Just so she would be happy. That was until I told mum that I was old enough to live my own life and she needs to stop favouring jess and just let us live our own lives.

When I was little my sister would have dreams about me getting taken and wake up crying. That's the only time she ever showed affection to me. In her dreams.

My sister has no reason to worry about me. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke or even swear! She knows I'm not stupid and she knows I'm not going to get myself into a bad situation.

Thank you all for your answers. I suppose I just need to try talk to her again. I don't have to worry about waiting for her to say something. The minute she see's my boyfriend she will lol.

I have countless stories that my mom told me with her older siblings. Everything started when she was about your age. They scarred her from having a close relationship with our family. She didn't want anything to do with my aunt for a very very long time because of how she treated my mom and how she made fun of her and what not.

Scars don't go away. As siblings, were supposed to look up to each other and be there for each other whenever need be. We should never have ill feelings towards one another to the point where we just don't want to talk anymore.

My mom is 37 and just now made ammends with my aunt. Her own sister. It took them 30 years to get over little bickerments and realize that it was just time to grow up.

It didn't happen over night, don't get me wrong. I was my moms support group. I was all she had.

But the forgiving happened over time. Everyone would sit down and just talk and say what they didn't like about each other.

They were willing to change for the love of being a whole family again.

It's honestly up to you.
Mending is a mutual feeling and decision.

Elizaxfools

I tried to be her friend but gave up. Even when she decided she wanted to be sisters again I tried not for her but for mum. But She hadn't changed and still had this expectation that because I'm younger than her she has the right to try control me.

My mums sisters stopped talking around my age and since then have spoken 3 times over the phone in the last 30 years.

I didn't want to be like this with my sister but she doesn't want to meet half way. I have to change for her. She can't just let it go.

I hate that I'm always the one who has to fix everything. For once I want her to try. I want her to make me want her as a sister again.

For christmas I was going to get her something but mum told me not to because she decided she wasn't going to get me anything.

Then she complained to mum that I didn't think about her. Honestly she is a whinger and I'm not the only one in my family who can see it.

Talking about her just brings up more anger towards her because I think more of what she has done!

Its unfortunate, but there are some people you just can't be close too. For your mom's sake, maybe the two of you can set some boundaries and at least be able to get along for family events if nothing else. Hope for the best, expect the worst. Maybe someday the two of you will be able to get along better.

There are two issues here. First, your mother needs to draw boundaries around her relationship with you. She should not permit your sister's influence and interference to remain so strong and I think it would help if you made clear to her that you need to know that if you come to her, you are getting her own advice - not your sisters - ad that she will not then go to your sister with your confidences.

The second issue is that your sister has treated you like her child, not her sister. If she cannot stop doing that, you cannot have a friendly relationship with her because you don't need her as a mother, and as a sibling she elevates herself above you so it's not a positive situation for you. She needs to limit advice to when you ask for it, and to understand you won't always act on her suggestions She needs also to treat you as a peer, not as Ms. "older and wiser" all the time.

If she cannot adjust her interaction with you, you will probably have to wait until she can see you as an adult and treat you accordingly.

Take care!

I say, stick to your values and beliefs. Don't sink to another person's level.

Do your part in making an effort and taking the high road. If you think that you've done your fair share, then be satisfied with your effort and walk away feeling good about yourself.

It's like in sports, lay it all on the line. Even if you lose, at least you can walk away knowing that you did your best and you won't have any regrets. Be proud of that.

We really don't need to beat a dead horse.

Just stay calm till she moves out.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but... are you me? I am reading all of this and I'm just nodding and agreeing to EVERYTHING!! From the boyfriend thing, to the not smoking/drinking/even swearing thing! WOW! Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me feel a little better that I'm not alone on this. All of the advice helped me as well. Thank you.