My daughter has a boyfriend who use to work for my husband. My husband fired him because he got drunk and damaged a lot of things at the golf course. This is not the first time he has done this so my husband told my daughter, you can hang out, date, etc. Anyone you choose, but I do not allow people that do disrespectful things like that over at my house. This happened 3 months ago. He just moved in with my daughter and she asked her father if he could come over Xmas eve with her for our Xmas celebration. My husband said no, she got mad and did not come over, call to say she was not coming over and then got mad because we did not go over there or call to celebrate with our grandchildren. It hurts me so much because we feel she is punishing us and using her children to do it and it hurts us to think our grandchildren think we wanted nothing to do with them and that is not true. We love our grandchildren and spend lots of time with them! How do we handle this and what do we do to let our grandchildren know this was not our choice.

You don't let the grandchildren know anything about the squable that is going on. Your husband made the right decision. And in drawing a line it shows what is acceptable in your home. Its your daughter that needs to wake up. This guy sounds like an idiot. You just have to take things one day at a time. Also what State are you in as some states allow for grandparents rights if it should go that far.

Well of course she is punishing you. I don't know how you could expect otherwise. Your husband carried his stubbornness a little to far by refusing to go over there. He is foolish for carrying a work grudge this far into the home life without even foreseeing the consequences. I'm not excusing the drunken behavior nor the damage at all. Just saying that families have to make concessions with each other all the time. Your husband can stay quietly apart from the father of his grandchildren at gatherings, and be civil with a hello and goodbye and a little superficial conversation.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Well of course she is punishing you. I don't know how you could expect otherwise. Your husband carried his stubbornness a little to far by refusing to go over there. He is foolish for carrying a work grudge this far into the home life without even foreseeing the consequences. I'm not excusing the drunken behavior nor the damage at all. Just saying that families have to make concessions with each other all the time. Your husband can stay quietly apart from the father of his grandchildren at gatherings, and be civil with a hello and goodbye and a little superficial conversation.

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I can't agree with this at all. How is it a work grudge when it is clear what this person did goes far beyond that. Also we don't know if this is the father of the children in question or not. Its her daughter that is making the choices. The parents in this case are doing nothing more then laying ground rules and sticking to them.

Califdadof3 I agree that I am probably wrong about the BF being the father of her children; he just moved in.
But I stand by my claim that OP's husband is cutting off both her their options to see their grandchildren. Saying 'I don't allow anyone like that OVER TO MY HOUSE' is one thing; to not go over to his daughter's house to see her and her children is another. He can be as aloof as he wants with the BF and leave when he wants.
There is no right or wrong here so this is all a matter of opinion.

Got to disagree here on several counts.

For starters it sounds like the husband made the "he's not welcome" proclamation without the full agreement of the wife. I think that's a mistake.

We know nothing about the daughter's "history," including good choices, bad choices and where the father of the grandchild is. Cut her off from her family's support and who knows what will happen next.

I have stepchildren. I certainly don't always approve (or agree) with their choices in "companions" BUT there is no better way to force them into a bad decision than to totally cut them off from family, leaving them with only the "bad" person as a companion, confidant, person he/she goes to for moral support.

I say - everyone is acting like a child. The parents grit their teeth and see how the guy behaves in their house. The parents don't have to like him BUT they do HAVE to love their daughter and support her if the relationship doesn't work out. If it doesn't she may very well have no place to go and, instead, may choose to stay with this unsuitable guy.

I understand the father's side. The guy is a jerk, no question. I understand the daughter's side - this is her "partner" and they come as a package.

The grandchildren, who are getting hurt, have no side.

Everyone needs to grow up.

Okay, let me clear some things up. The boyfriend is not the father, my daughter had been dating him on and off for several months. In one instance she herself said that the things this guy does is not what she agrees with and they have very different views on destroying other peoples property. So because of that she can not be with him, then 2 weeks later she is with him again. My husband told my daughter the day after this guy did what he did at the business golf tournament that she could hand out with who ever she wanted but he would not be allowed in our home until he made restitution. It took the guy a month to apologize, and another month before he said he would make restitution, but has only paid 100.00 on a bill of what he damaged of close to 4,000.00. So our daughter knew before hand he was not allowed over here. I feel if she chose to stay with him at her house with her boyfriend with the children she should have let us know that was what she was doing and give us the option of coming over or setting up another time. We were not asked to go over there, we were all waiting for her to come over because she did not let us know she was not coming over. We have had a Xmas eve. Celebration at our house for the last 32 years. When she let mad, she said nothing. So we did not know what her plan was, but then when she didn't come over I texted her and asked if I could have their fathers # (they were with their father for Xmas vacation) so I could call them and with them a Merry Xmas. That's when she said, no on called them no one came over. That's all I got.

We are very close to our grandchildren, we go over to our daugthters a lot weather the BF is there or not, and we invite the granchildren over here a lot, just wanted to clarify this. We didn't refuse to go over there.

And that's why I asked this: "We know nothing about the daughter's "history," including good choices, bad choices and where the father of the grandchild is. Cut her off from her family's support and who knows what will happen next."

It appears you (and "you" appears to mean your husband) gave your daughter a choice between you and the boyfriend. She chose the boyfriend. That's why "choose one of us" postures never work.

She is presumably of adult age.

If you were this disapproving of my boyfriend and he wasn't allowed in your house I would not want you in my house. Disrespect him, you disrespect me.

I don't know if you are posting for answers or to explain yourself in writing.

Either way - I think you are making a big mistake.

'I feel if she chose to stay with him at her house with her boyfriend with the children she should have let us know that was what she was doing and give us the option of coming over or setting up another time... we were all waiting for her to come over because she did not let us know she was not coming over.'

WHAAAAT? You actually thought she would abandon her boyfriend to go to your house, just because you have a tradition? And expected her to let you know, after her boyfriend has been banned?

You and your husband are still treating her like a child and making vary sad assumptions. She apparently LOVES THIS GUY at least for now (maybe she'll keep him longer out of spite, who knows). End of story.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

You and your husband are still treating her like a child and making vary sad assumptions. She apparently LOVES THIS GUY at least for now (maybe she'll keep him longer out of spite, who knows). End of story.

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I think this scenario GUARANTEES she will "keep him longer" out of spite. Daughter isn't going to admit this a bad choice - and if it is, where can she go for emotional support? Her parents have walked away.

Good post, "Joy."