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-   -   Are you best friends with your spouse or ex-spouse? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=394435)

  • Sep 7, 2009, 07:56 PM
    fishburn7
    Are you best friends with your spouse or ex-spouse?
    I know that most girls anyway have another girl in their life that they consider their "best friend". But the thing is, from relationships that I see it seems like married couples seem to be best friends with each other. This seems to be the case even though when asked about their best friends I always get the knee jerk reaction answer of whoever their best friend was.

    I'm not real sure if that makes sense to you or not.
    My real question is, Are you best friends with your spouse or ex-spouse?

    ** please if you could, give me the knee-jerk reaction answer, and then really actually think about it and tell me whether your spouse is your best friend or not**

    Thanks :)
  • Sep 7, 2009, 08:35 PM
    cxtoph

    My knee-jerk reaction and my thought out answer are the same.

    Yes, my spouse is my best friend and has been since high-school (class of '83).

    There isn't anything that I can't discuss with her or anything that I hide from her. I think that is is a great thing for my kids and their friends to see.
  • Sep 7, 2009, 09:18 PM
    Bill-K
    I don't know if this answer will be of use, FB, but you are welcome to it, anyway. My wife and I are celebrating our 30th Wedding Anniversary today 8th. September, 2009. I guess that's why I clicked on your question.

    Within weeks of our marriage, things just didn't seem to work for us. The whole world seemed to be conspiring against us to make our lives difficult - it was as if our marriage was cursed. We blamed each other, and the amount of energy we expended over the years in shouting and crying could power a small town for a decade, I reckon. Somehow, we seem to have managed to spend all this time pulling on a rope with all the energy we can muster - and not moving one single inch forward!!

    Our problem seems to have been that we have both been pulling in entirely the opposite direction!! Maximum energy expended, and ZERO movement attained. Yes - a 'Tug 'o' War! If ONLY we could have been pulling in the same direction, we could be ruling the World by now!!

    Somehow, along the way, we managed to produce two beautiful daughters - despite THE CURSE!! :eek: We both freely admit to each other that - if we had split up years ago, then we may well have been happier now. But we didn't - We carried on trying, against all the odds, it seems. It was either love or stupidity that kept us going. Perhaps those two words are just labels for the same thing.

    A coupla years back, I think I hit my male 'Mid-Life Crisis' and started wondering 'What if.. ' But, instead of doing what a lot of guys do at that time, and 'going off into the wilderness to re-discover themselves,' I decided to try to 're-discover OURselves.' I started to tackle a load of 'taboo' stuff that had been haunting our bedroom, and we started to deal with many other issues in a different way than we had been doing. I finally managed to APOLOGISE for my attitude with regard to a particular problem that had been causing a 'blockage' for most of our married lives.

    I guess I could go into more detail here, but it's not necessary, I feel. What I'm saying is that we actually became 'Worst Enemies,' as opposed to 'Best Friends.' But in all that emotional carnage, we both kept our heads held high, and didn't stoop to some of the underhand tactics that others might have used. Over those years, we came to respect each other - as enemies (... are you still with me on this?! ) Just like martial arts opponents will bow to each other before combat, we gave the same respect to each other.

    We now have a situ where - if we get a bit too 'passionate' about the subject of an argument, we can put it aside until tomorrow. And if we both feel the same way, then we can meet each other in bed, and do some 'rough sex' - and enjoy being enemies with sincere beliefs. Then, in the quiet of the battle aftermath, we can quietly and softly love each other for having sufficient 'Soul' to allow this 'strange' communion.

    Soul. That part of us which reaches beyond 'Friendship,' and stretches into whatever we consider to be our deepest selves. Best friends - worst enemies ? Sincerely-held belief is what I value the most - but I DO believe that it must be tempered by a willingness to love each other - and to learn from each other.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 09:26 AM
    I wish

    It's diffferent for everybody. Everyone has a different relationship. So it highly depends on the situation to determine whether someone is best friends with their spouse/ex-spouse.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 09:36 AM
    fishburn7
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    it highly depends on the situation to determine whether someone is best friends with their spouse/ex-spouse.


    I understand that; but I've looked at it and about 50% of marriages fail and many more couples that that just hate each other and what it seems like from every other successful relationship that will last forever, the couples were each other's best friends...

    That's how I see it... there will be some exceptions of course but in the most part is it false to say a mandatory condition for a successful happy everlasting relationship is being best friends with that person?
  • Sep 8, 2009, 10:07 AM
    I wish

    I don't think you need to be best friends, but it's helpful to have a strong friendship. Don't forget, friends are forged based on common interests and similar values (minus some exception again). So the qualities and make two people have a strong friendship would really help strengthen a relationship, but I wouldn't be so extreme as to say that IT HAS TO BE best friends.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 10:22 AM
    fishburn7

    Yes I agree it takes friendship to make a relationship, but the way I see a best friend is as the most important friend? And as a married couple I assumed the spouse would be the most important
  • Sep 8, 2009, 10:26 AM
    I wish

    There's another way to approach this. Once a person is married, the spouse becomes a family member. Just like parents.

    Friends however, is a category of itself too. You don't say that your parents are your best friends? So out of all your friends, you can have a best friend.

    Your spouse is your spouse.
    Your children are your children.
    Your parents are your parents.
    Your grandparents are your grandparents.

    It's possible to think that family members can be a friend too, but they will always be your parents family first. Just like your spouse, even if you are good friends or best friends, the person will still be your spouse first above all else. If you consider your spouse a friend more than a spouse, then it sounds like a problem to me.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 10:53 AM
    Justwantfair
    I consider my partner my best friend.
    The flaw in the scenerio is that when you and your partner have a fight, you lose the comfort of turning to your best friend for support.
    But there isn't anyone who knows you better than your spouse/partner, in my opinion.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 03:05 PM
    Ren6
    Are we allowed to have two best friends? My partner is a best friend to me... I love and respect her on many levels. At the same time, I am best friends with a dear ex... I've known her for twenty years, and when our romantic relationship ended (after a cooling off period), we became best friends. I can't imagine my life without her.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 06:39 PM
    Cat1864
    My best and dearest friend is my husband. That doesn't mean that I don't have other close friends that I can talk to when needs be.

    I actually feel very lucky to know that we have more than sex or physical attraction holding our marriage together.
  • Sep 8, 2009, 09:53 PM
    Gemini54
    Friendship is only one element of a marriage - an essential one nevertheless, as first and foremost you need to genuinely like each other. Chemisty, love, sex and romance all add to the mix, but friendship is probably the most enduring element, along with love.

    My husband is my best friend, he is the one that I spend most time with, eat with, sleep with, etc. I treat him as I would my other male and female best friends - with love, integrity, honesty and respect. Our relationship is good and survives the usual marital conflicts because we are friends and because we share common interests and values.

    One of my other closest friends is my Ex. Our relationship was built on a great friendship and when we decided to separate, although it was painful, we did it with care and affection. Twelve years after our separation, our relationship has endured because of the friendship. We have always liked each other and that has not diminished.
  • Sep 9, 2009, 12:02 AM
    Bill-K
    This thread has been making me think a little harder about my own relationship with my Wife, now. Some years ago, I started to read the book 'Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus.' I only read the first couple of chapters, I think, and never finished it. All I felt I needed was to accept the basic premise that male and female are just 'wired up' differently - and I got that straight away. We often just cannot understand each others' thought process, or conclusions - but not understanding something doesn't mean it cannot be right, and it took me a long time to grasp that simple idea!! :o

    I believe we each have qualities and abilities which are due to our 'wiring up.' An example might be the widely-held belief that most women can multi-task much better than most men. But - perhaps this difference is what makes a friendship within a marriage (or close relationship) a difficult thing to attain - or sustain. To have close friends of the opposite sex seems fine to me - but perhaps when your friendship is being tested by the pressures that a close relationship exerts, then the 'Venus & Mars' aspects make it difficult to agree on important decisions - and difficult to understand why there is disagreement. :confused:

    Another thing I have often heard is: "Men/women may come and go, but your friends will always be your friends" - implying that same-sex friendships are more stable than opposite-sex relationships. There does seem to be a deeper understanding between members of the same sex - again, for the 'Venus & Mars' reasons, I guess. When we have problems in our opposite-sex relationships, we usually need our other friends - and of those, I guess there are 'best friends,' and there are 'good friends,' and there are 'just friends,' etc. - different grades of friendship.

    I guess what I'm thinking here is that - as Gemini54 has said, friendship is an element in a relationship, as a part of the mix - the compound whole. Perhaps the term 'Best Friend' is just too 'black & white' - and we need to be able to have a number of grades of friendship. What we can then perhaps say is that "One's partner does not have to be one's best friend - but the higher the grade of friendship we have with them, the better the relationship will be." This may cause some to despair, if they don't think they have a very strong friendship element in their relationship. But this is a guy who has called us 'Worst Enemies' - yet we have remained together for 30 years (.. and a day!! :D)

    Perhaps what we all should do is constantly work on improving the 'grade' of our friendship. OK - that means that some will have to work harder than others - but I can run with that. It seems to make friendship possible, without it having to be a particular grade of friendship. It enables jerks like me to look upon my own marriage and say: "Heck, there sure is room for improvement here. Let's see what we can do." It gives me some HOPE for the next 30 years!! :)

    LOL - perhaps if I had finished reading 'Venus & Mars,' I would have found this out for myself already!! :D

    I hope I've helped with Fishburn7's search for an answer - but I would like to thank you all for making ME think about my own relationship, too. :)
  • Sep 13, 2009, 08:24 AM
    Tburg

    YES. My wife and I have been best friends for the past 52 years.
    And I highly doubt that will ever change at this stage of our lives.
  • Sep 13, 2009, 08:54 AM
    zippit

    Spouse=best friend
    Ex spouse=mortal enemy
  • Sep 13, 2009, 10:45 AM
    Catsmine
    As I have stated before, the correct sequence to a relationship is: acquaintance, friend, close friend, lover, mate. Any other order makes lawyers rich.
  • Oct 30, 2009, 06:15 PM
    tamme

    My best friend is my spouse, we have an unspoken trust and friendship. I also am friends with my ex-husband as well as ex-boy friends. I think your spouse needs to be your best friend.

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