I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone else, but I’m having a difficult time with dealing with her and her past. My wife has stated that if something happened to me, such as dying, then she would go back to him, even though she has said that he treated her badly. By badly means that she told him that she was pregnant and immediately he said to have an abortion that just seems wrong on so many levels. She stayed together with him even after that happened then they just drifted apart a few years later. The reason that she stayed with him for so long was that she loved him and that the sex was great because he was extremely well hung.

How can I replace him in her heart and mind? Should I even try?

You should not even try. Especially if honestly she is only with a guy because it is good sex. How could you truly love somebody that treats you so bad. That I do not understand. Uhm, I would be like so is that all you think is important. It is not. How long have you been married for? What a thing to say to a husband. Especially she says she has no problem going back to him even though she was treated like crap. Wow. Does she know how her saying this effects you? I think she should, if she doesn't. Keep the communication open because if you do not and it builds up there is going to be a big back fire and explosion. Open up and communicate. There should be no replacing anybody. You're her husband. If she is not completely with you or you do not think she is then I think it is time for some counseling, which of course you were probably expecting to hear that as well.

Joe

I would have to ask why people get married when people don't work out all of these things before they get married.

You as stated need to get counseling

JesusHelp76: we have been married for 10 years and there have been several things that have come into the light of day, this I feel is the worst of them.

Fr_Chuck: I have suggested counseling and she refuses.

10 years is a good number of years to be married. I had a feeling that there are other factors or situations that added to this one. She refuses because maybe she is worried that the truth of certain things may come out and she is afraid of that. Even though it may not be you that need the counseling. I think if she refuses what you need to do is go into counseling yourself. To help you get perspective of all the things that have been happening. Also it will give you direction on what is the best way to deal with this matters and give you the tools to do it. Even though your wife is the unwilling party.

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Originally Posted by Daniel235

JesusHelp76: we have been married for 10 years and there have been several things that have come into the light of day, this I feel is the worst of them.

Fr_Chuck: I have suggested counseling and she refuses.

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What are the reasons she gives you for refusing concelling?

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Originally Posted by Daniel235

I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone else, but I’m having a difficult time with dealing with her and her past. My wife has stated that if something happened to me, such as dying, then she would go back to him, even though she has said that he treated her badly. By badly means that she told him that she was pregnant and immediately he said to have an abortion that just seems wrong on so many levels. She stayed together with him even after that happened then they just drifted apart a few years later. The reason that she stayed with him for so long was that she loved him and that the sex was great because he was extremely well hung.

How can I replace him in her heart and mind? Should I even try?

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WHY the hell does she need to tell that if you die then she would go back to him? What sort of thing is that to say... IM SHOCKED :eek: :confused:

You can't replace him in her heart... she needs to do that! So no don't even try!

To be very honest with you... I Just can't understand your wife!! Sorry.

Krs: She says that she doesn't see how an outsider is going to help with our problems. Also, I have problems understanding her logic and reasoning that's why I am posting here.

This sounds like something someone would say in the heat of an argument, designed to hurt and not at all reasonable or even true perhaps but meant to make the other feel as they feel. People say some terrible things when it gets heated, not that it is excused. If it is that, it's a bad move of her part and just a good barometer of how much trouble the relationship is in overall. I am not sure its not being taken out of context or really meant to be taken literally.

But you have the answer-- to go to counseling on your own when the spouse won't go. It will either encourage her to go, or allow you to change enough to make it bearable or help you settle on leaving with more of a clear conscience-- one of the three.

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Originally Posted by Daniel235

Krs: She says that she doesn't see how an outsider is going to help with our problems. Also, I have problems understanding her logic and reasoning thats why I am posting here.

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Professional counselors are trained to provide a unique type of understanding, a “detached involvement” in your problems.

People close to you cannot always put things in perspective. That is especially true of yourself: You cannot step outside yourself to get perspective on your problems. A counselor can provide that perspective.

She hasn't resolved her last relationship probably. That guy probably never gave her an honest apology or anything else for all the hardships he gave her. She is wanting to go back and resolve the painful relationship and mistaking that for wanting him. She doesn't want him, She wants something from him.

A therapist can help her close that chapter and open her eyes to what she has <3

I am married to an AMAZING man. Oh, by the way.. . my ex was way better in bed and he also treated me like crap. He cheated on me but there is a long list of REALLY effed up things but we won't go into that haha. Anyway I have realized that just because, I love him doesn't mean I should be with him and if I am I will be happy. He is bad for me, I have to get past him because, I have a good husband and he can provide me with WAY more love, affection, and support than my ex. My life would be hell if I got with my ex, but somehow I still want to see his face and talk to him sometimes.

I myself, am planning on going to a therapist about this and some other deep problems I have.
Don't take her words to heart until you see a therapist or marriage counseler or something.

As far as what she said, she may not have meant it. Were you guys arguing? Is she frustrated about something your missing?

I hope you guys do well <3

I was (and still am) in a similar situation. The woman I am in love with is separated from her husband but insists on maintaining a relationship with him. She talks with him by phone almost daily. This happens even when I am there. She sees him from