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vmom1 · Aug 23, 2010, 11:38 AM

The "at some point" is supposed to be death. Remember that part of the vows?
You really don't sound committed to hearing your wife out and be willing to make major changes and steps toward her, based on what comes out in marriage counseling. If you aren't willing to knuckle down and really work through this and aim for the end of the tunnel (which could be a long way off), I really don't think you are going to have the stamina to make it.
I told my husband that I have rededicated myself to "loving, honoring, and cherishing " him because that is what I promised to do. It is an act of will for right now, but hopefully with some time and healing it will be easier. Lots of time, lots of healing.

tucsondoc · Aug 23, 2010, 01:22 PM

My wife has no interest in any type of counseling. We have major issues regarding boundaries and expectations in the marriage, and she feels everything is my fault exclusively. She says she doesn't love me and will never have sex with me again. I told her the old marriage didn't work for either of us, so we need to have a new marriage that we both work on. She doesn't not want to do any work at all. She sees her choice as one between divorce and continuing this unhappy marriage, and she has chosen the latter without any intention of making it better. If she wasn't depressed before, I think she is starting to become depressed now, given how she has framed the issue. She is in desperate need of help, which she continues to refuse. I can't leave her like this, but I don't now what else to do except be there for when she needs me and take care of myself, as well as be there for the kids.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2010, 03:30 PM

As long as you support her behavior, depressed or NOT. Then you condone what she is doing and she will keep doing it. I tell her that this is UNACCEPTABLE, has gone far enough, and I start handling my business the legal, binding way, by getting my own finances secured, and safe, Get an consultation with a lawyer, and have plan B ready to go when plan A fails.

She may be afraid of counseling, understandable, but as you say, if she needs help, and won't get it, now what should you do. Plan B!!

tucsondoc · Aug 25, 2010, 02:50 PM

Well, she's talking about going to New York again. I will have to give her an ultimatum on that trip. I cannot have her disrespecting me and crossing boundaries like that, regardless of how unhappy she is. If she goes on the trip, I will file for divorce.

I asked her to consider counseling for 3 months, individual or couples. I said this way, if things don't work out, at least we will have no regrets as we will have tried everything. I also said that we owe it to the kids. If this is more than situational, and there is a hereditary component to all this, than we owe it to the kids to find out. She didn't like me bringing in the kids, but I said if we don't find out then one of them may develop an issue in the future that we could be prepared for if there are behavioral conditions that run in the family.

talaniman · Aug 25, 2010, 03:04 PM

Why do I think she is pushing YOUR buttons to keep you miserable?

tucsondoc · Aug 25, 2010, 03:29 PM

She looks more miserable than I. She has no one to talk to except her "friends". I have friends/family and you all. I think she really doesn't care about my feelings, only her own. She says and does what she feels will make her happy, not thinking about the consequences.

tucsondoc · Aug 28, 2010, 05:48 AM

She is insisting on going to New York with her 'friend', doesn't want to go with me, and says she will file for divorce so that she can go. I saw my therapist yesterday and she gave me the number of a family law attorney. At this point I have to protect myself so that I can better take care of the kids. I WANT MY MARRIAGE BACK. Last night I gave her a Tiffany bracelet that she has been wanting for some time. She started crying about how I called her a b**** 5 months ago. I sent her a link to a medical website about depression and divorce. I've asked her repeatedly to get help but she refuses.

I can't do this by myself anymore.

vmom1 · Sep 11, 2010, 08:35 AM

You have been quiet for awhile? What is happening with you and your wife? I have been praying for you - hopefully you are seeing some hope in the future.