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    Why can't my husband compliment me

    Asked May 8, 2012, 10:13 AM — 11 Answers
    Upfront, I would like to thank all of you who read this and give impartial feedback.

    Why can't my husband compliment me? It is extremely hard for him. It makes me feel old fat and ugly. I know all you guys are going to jump on the fact I said fat and tell me to join a gym. I have already lost 58lbs and kept it off for 3 years. The rest is not that easy. I have tried--and do we really have to be perfect for you guys to make us feel sexy and like a woman? I am 5'2" and 148lbs so I am overweight, but I used to be able to see the beauty in me, but lately it's hard. I definitely get my share of guys following when I cross a room and will catch them looking at me, sometimes staring. I do not dress provocatively in the least, so I know I still have it. I'm a far cry from a supermodel, but I look pretty good for the most part, I got my problem areas.

    My problem is my husband who is the one I want to look at me but he hardly ever does and never with the same expression he gets checking out other women. What you men don't understand is, the more you guys make us feel like we are sexy and beautiful to you, the more complete we feel. We have egos too.

    Here's my story. I will try to sum it up, but I want to be complete as I can so I can get impartial feedback. I gained 84 lbs and I let myself go. I never wore makeup and dressed casually. I was depressed and didn't give a ****. Anyway, I lost 58lbs 3 years ago. About 2 years ago, I caught him going way out of his way to look at a girls *** so when we got home I confronted him, but he denied it, of course. Finally he admitted it because I caught him and he knew it. He said it was a habit, so I told him all I NEED from him is for him to let me know I am number 1.

    Well, obviously this went over his head, so I kept it to myself for a while, then 1 day I flashed him and said do you like that? He said no--they are uneven and they sag now. In his defense he is not the type that will try to insult me. He does everything he can not to hurt. Well, I was taken back by his comment, but I caught him off guard, and he told me the truth that stung pretty bad with me in my naïve thinking. I thought they looked OK, but I guess I don't know what I am looking for in a boob. I know now and hate walking by a mirror naked. I see every flaw I have and kind of hate him for that but know he didn't mean to hurt me.

    Several months later I find a paper he was writing on it said:

    Jessica Is
    The love of my Life
    The mother of my children
    A animal lover
    A good cook

    Maybe I am making too much out of this. It is sweet but I confronted him saying that is all he thinks about me and he said he never finished, so I said that is the first things that come to his mind when he thinks about me. He responded with he never finished it, so I asked him to finish it and let it go.

    Never finished it, then his friend gave him back some DVDs. I didn't even know he had them. They weren't porn but erotic, so I got mad, probably made too much out of it, but I just want him to want me like that and I guess I wasn't expressing it to him good enough, so I wrote him a letter saying the biggest reason I was mad is because he never compliments me, never said a word when I lost 58lbs. I think it is a big deal that I went from a size 14-16 to 8-10 (that's almost half). He just got mad about the note and we got into a fight, so I let it go again.

    This time I despised it a little. Why should I have to bury my feelings? Why can't he try to understand? But I do love him and he is really good to me. I know most would say isn't that enough? I need to know I have some worth to him other then cooking.

    I let a lot of time go by before I brought it up again, hoping that if I gave him time, he would have understood the note and he just needed time, but then I wrote him another note and asked that he not get mad, that I did not want to start a fight. I just want him to understand. I got more detailed in the next note, hoping he would get it this time.

    Well, it definitely helped. He said he was attracted to me and I made the stupid mistake of asking him what he thought was attractive about me. No hesitation--he said my legs and my nose, and then there was a long silence, so I asked him is that it? He said no, he is attracted to all of me (now there's a line), so I said that's a line. That's when he said my , then hesitated and said my face. . As if I didn't feel bad enough, I assumed (assumed through logical thinking) he was lying about my . When I was skinny, he had made a comment that my was like a conehead because of the dimples.

    I let that go as it didn't hurt that much because I got tons of attention from men (it's sad that men paying attention to us, weighs so heavy on most of our self esteem). Thank the media in part for that, since it constantly makes us feel we don't measure up at all. Guys can get off; our self esteem has to suffer. (ok I am getting off point) but needless to say I did not have a self esteem issue back then. I took this hard too because I already felt ugly, and he is the one I want most to say he thinks I am beautiful, but all he comments on is legs and nose. Wow, I would love to see my profile on a dating site if he made my profile--a good cook who loves animals and with a nice nose and legs. Again, I let it go.

    Then he made an effort but most of his attempts at giving me an unsolicited compliment just hurt worse. A couple of times he said I like those earrings on you. A few days later I told him that just hurt when the only compliment was on my earrings, which would be fine if he complimented me in other ways.

    So he started to put a little more effort and 1 day said I looked nice and said he liked my in a couple pair of different jeans that made me feel good but that's all he ever said. So I let almost a year go by and nothing. So I thought I would be creative and I asked him to list his top 5 turn-ons and I would write mine. As usual, that hurt. I was hoping something about me, what I did, anything would be in there. The only thing that involved me was he put having sex with me, so it just made me think sex is in his top 5 turn-ons, but I am really not.

    Of course, I got upset I tried really hard not to. He just twisted my words around and said I told him not to put me in his list which is funny. I never said that and the fact he said having sex with me proves he put me in his list so he did not think that when he was writing it.

    We got a kitten and he would ask me ain't she pretty or tell her she is a pretty kitty. Every time he would say that about the kitten would piss me off. Or I am jealous of the kitten--just that he can tell a cat she's pretty but he can't tell his wife, making me of course I must be ugly to him. So 1 night he said she was pretty and I got pissed at him and I know this is childish but this is what I said he was really mean. He said what do you mean. I said you can tell a cat she's pretty but not me, and he said she's a cat and I said exactly! I am your wife. Things got a little more heated. I threw an ashtray somewhere in the midst of it, but then he said I am attracted to you, and we talked for a few min. Can't get him to really stay on the subject and get to the bottom of it.

    He tried a couple of times and that's when he said he liked my legs and nose and I guess to him that should be enough to me. It makes me think I am hideous to him, but he has said he is attracted to me lots of times, but every time I want him to elaborate, he hesitates and doesn't give me much, so he is really confusing me. He says he is attracted to me but logical thinking tells me different.

    Last letter I wrote to him I actually kept so I will copy it

    I am not trying to start a fight I hate writing these as much as you hate reading them maybe I am not being fair I expect you to fix a problem and you don't know what the problem is.So I will try to explain what I need.I need you to make me feel special to really notice me and let me know what you are thinking its not all about the way I look but its important I'm almost 35 and its pretty much down hill from there You could point out anything I do that you like I need to know what makes me special to you I know I am but that's not enough I need to know why.I really think you don't know what makes me special to you you're just comfortable with me.I understand your side you don't know what I want you to say and when you say something its still not enough.I can't tell you what to say then it wouldn't mean anything.I need you to make me feel special if you think it say it.I know you try but the only things you have commented on is my in jeans and my earrings and my hair a couple times it makes me think there's nothing that stands out to you the way I look or anything I do.I know you would take those comments about my chest and my if you could and I shouldn't rub them back in your face but those are the most detailed comments you've ever said to me.I never thought I would turn into one of these women but I guess I did I need reassurance I need to see it feel it and hear it.I know if I was Jessica Alba or just hot you wouldn't be able to not look while I was in the tub you just telling me to get over it and stop being modest doesn't help.I love you and really don't want to fight.I just need reassurance and when I dog myself out and you don't say anything it is just like agreeing with me .I need you not to ignore what I am saying in this letter Please don't take this the wrong way.

    To elaborate, from our bed you can see the tub and someone taking a shower when I take a shower which is before we have sex, he doesn't look at all, so now I hide because I feel hideous and ashamed. He's already told me what he thinks off my and chest he's never made any attempt to make me feel better about any part of my body outside of my legs so I always cover up and hide when he is around. I always wear at least a shirt when we have sex if not a full robe and doggy style so he can't see my face. That doesn't bother him. He probably appreciates it every once in a while. He will flip me on my back but I usually pick the position.
    Then I made the mistake of saying he never looks when I am in the shower and he still doesn't. In fact, a lot of times he will sit up in bed where you can't see which he does do occasionally but a lot when I'm in the shower but as soon as I turn off the shower he is staring more of an I'm looking stare. He claims it's because he wants to look (Now he's just calling me an idiot). If he wanted to look, he would have been part of the time, not just when he knows I will see him looking especially if he is horny which he obviously is if he wants to do something.

    It really hurts me that he will go out of his way to look at other women but he has no desire to look at me. He does try hard not to make it look obvious that he is looking but I've seen. He is trying but the damage is kind of done. I refuse to write him another letter.
    He did finally say I had a very pretty face but he hesitated when he said it and it was solicited so I asked him why saying that was so hard and he said its not so I asked why did it take him over 13 years.

    He did give me a really nice compliment after a Christmas party at my work. He told me he was proud that I was with him. I loved that one but I guess.

    He just really makes me think that there is nothing great about me and I don't know if that's what he really thinks. That's what his actions and most of his words tell me. But when pressed he says he is attracted to me so if he really is attracted to me why is it so hard for him to show or say it. I'm just tired of feeling like I don't measure up.

    This quote was in Men's Health:
    1. Ignoring Her Appearance
    “Guys in long-term relationships tend to stop noticing when their partner looks pretty, and so much of female sexual desire is tied to a sense of self-esteem,” says Ian Kerner, Ph.D. sex counselor and author of She Comes First. The fix here is simple: Pay her a few simple compliments every day, like letting her know she's sexy, Kerner says.

    Last edited by Wondergirl; May 10, 2012 at 10:57 AM.
    11 Answers
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,594, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    May 8, 2012, 12:19 PM
    I couldn't read all this, but get the picture.
    I'm a woman. I really, really think you are too hard on him. You married him as a package deal, and he doesn't sound half bad, especially that note about animals etc.
    Good grief!
    Besides - what do you do to compliment and appreciate him?
    If you want, consider a trade. He compliments your looks 3 times a day. You compliment whatever about him is important to him. Each one of you gets a treat when you do it (just my idea of a doggie joke, sorry). It may sound forced at first but if you can both laugh, it might be fun and it might even work.
    cervaca's Avatar
    cervaca Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    May 8, 2012, 07:10 PM
    I do compliment him all the time lately I try to hold back on the compliments a little because why should I make him feel good when he makes me feel like but I usually end up complimenting him anyway because I think I do not want him to hold back on me
    rumar's Avatar
    rumar Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    May 10, 2012, 09:02 AM
    First off, congratulations on your weight loss! Your story sounded just like mine except it was a puppy lol... I really feel for you . When two people first get together they are giving, they put the other person first! Over time we tend to only see their faults, flaws and then stop being their main "cheerleader". Instead of building each other up, we tear them down through our words or lack of words and actions.All you can do is to be HIS biggest cheerleader, through your words and actions!
    Let go of your hurt, disappointment, anger and bitterness... this is hurting you and your marriage. (Forgive him) Its really hard but isn't that what love is? I challenge you, for 30 days to not say anything negative to him or about him. When you fail and do say something start back over on day one! Build him up and in time he will reciprocate this to you. "Do unto others as you would have them do". I did this and my marriage (23yrs) became stronger! I started leaving small love notes in his shirt pocket, notes of encouragement, to build and strengthen him. When I started putting him first I began to see my own heart change along with his. Stop looking for the negative in him and look for the good!
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4599
    Uber Member

    May 10, 2012, 09:30 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by cervaca View Post
    I do compliment him all the time lately I try to hold back on the compliments a little because why should I make him feel good when he makes me feel like but I usually end up complimenting him anyway because I think I do not want him to hold back on me

    Your blog is too long for me to read, unfortunately, but I think I get the general idea. Why should you make him feel good when he makes you feel like [blank]"?

    Because youi are presumably an adult in an adult relationship and it's not about getting even - he doesn't compliment you so you don't compliment him so he doesn't compliment you and on it goes. Maybe occasional compliments are better than not necessary sincere compliments "all the time."

    You need him to tell you you're attractive? You aren't happy being the love of his life?

    I think this is your problem, not his. You need to lighten up.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,524, Reputation: 5408
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    May 10, 2012, 10:56 AM
    I just spent half my life editing your post so it's readable and site members will give you some good feedback. Please add punctuation (commas and apostrophes especially) and space between sentences in future posts.

    It sounds like you are really down on yourself and need him to prop up your poor feelings about yourself as being ugly and unlovable. Have you had a few sessions with a counselor yet?
    rumar's Avatar
    rumar Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    May 12, 2012, 09:45 AM
    I wanted to let you know that your post has been on my mind a lot. Mainly because I have walked down the same path you are on for a long time. I don't need to tell you how hurtful it is. I can't even begin to tell you how many letters or "talks" I had with my husband about this same thing!
    I kept thinking, how hard is it to compliment me? To make me feel desired! When I could get attention from any other man but not my own. It totally blew me away! Not to mention myself esteem! I would start with the talk or letter the same way... I don't like talking about this, just as much as you hate hearing(reading) it. I would get this look like, "hear we go again!" Obviously my husband would think all is well until I would bring up the subject again. I was thinking, "HELLO, I'm telling you exactly what I need!" BUT, HE was always hearing, "I can't please you!" I was like..? Can't you get it? I cannot put it any plainer! I was so frustrated... Obviously YOU are too!
    What I can tell you is that what you HAVE been doing is not working for you and it did not work for me either! I know my advice above sounds crazy BUT, it did work! I realized that most people do/give what they want in return. Just like you "compliment" him because this is what YOU desire! I started, noticing what he was doing. The things that were really positive and complimenting him on. You are on a cycle, sort of like the person above mentioned. You don't want to compliment him so he won't compliment you. (even though you do compliment him, he really thinks he compliments you IN HIS WAY). One of you has to stop this circle and I can bet it will not be him, because all is well until you mention it! All I can tell you is what worked in my marriage. You already know what is not working in yours.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,745, Reputation: 2595
    Dating & Teen Expert

    May 12, 2012, 10:12 AM
    I think the problem is more with you than him. He may not be as verbal as you like but he is certainly patient.
    Perhaps you can do with some counseling to help you with yourself esteem.
    Compliment our husband not to get one back, but because you mean it. He may begin to return the compliments. It may not be in the words or way you want, but when he does, thank him. It may not be in him to compliment in the way you want. Appreciate what he does.
    Disney87's Avatar
    Disney87 Posts: 16, Reputation: 3
    New Member

    May 14, 2012, 09:04 AM
    I think u're too harsh to your husband and yet you should feel lucky that he is still entertaining you for compliment you. You are so insecure and no confident in yourself or maybe perhaps in front of your husband. That's why your husband does not really notice and compliment about you. I always believe that confident and a secured woman is the most attractive woman. You does not need to look good, you does not need to be slim just because you want your guy to compliment you. It is all useless.

    What I do suggest is get back your own confidence and security and he will soon automatically noticing you and compliment you once he feel the difference. Remember: Outlook is just a temporary seduction, but the inner beauty is always the winner.
    alex80s's Avatar
    alex80s Posts: 1, Reputation: 0
    New Member

    May 30, 2012, 11:09 AM
    Hi Jessica and all the other girls.
    First of all il like to say MY GOD, YOU WONEN LOVE TO WRIGHT. I can't believe I read all the add and comments.. .

    Your John sounds like he got comfortable with you now days. May I suggest to stop being so harsh on yourself and stop putting him on the spot all the time by asking him what he thinks of your looks, instead why don't you dress up all sexy, tease him and play hard to get and don't just jump stright in to sex, pay him a lot of compliments while his naked as in " i love your. . . . big strong arms or something lol what ever you women like about us blokes . . . . the more compliments you give him the more you will get back.
    The other thing is to make him jalouse. Tell him that some bloke made a comend on how you look today or he told you what a cracking pair of . . . boobs you have and you found it very flattering, that way he will realise that he should pay you more compliments.
    aww and about him checking out other womans . . . every man does it and instead of telling him off make a comment as in "she's got a nice " that way he will realise you seen him checking her out.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4599
    Uber Member

    May 30, 2012, 12:38 PM
    Jealousy solves nothing.
    nicky nose best's Avatar
    nicky nose best Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Apr 5, 2013, 02:40 AM
    Hi Jess,

    Well done with the weight loss...

    I came across this post by reseaching the same issue I have with my second husband. My first husband and the father of my 3 children NEVER complimented me even though I regard myself to be pretty and younger than my years. His reasons were he was insecure and selfish, hence the divorce.

    When I met my second husband he thought he had hit the jackpot! Not only did I look good, I felt good and oozed confidence, a big turn on for men.

    8 years later, yes I am still attractive and he knows it, however, the compliments he bombed me with in the beginning wore off. That's fine, I remind myself I'm looking good each time I catch a guy staring at me. He adores me but like most men he doesn't show it all the time.

    You need to believe in yourself, try not to appear needy and insecure. Love you for yourself, you will feel happier and it will show.

    Your husband loves the fun you not the stress of yourself negetivness. STOP complaining about it and sort yourself out.

    Surprise him now and again, be un-predictable, shower in private but sliightly expose yourself at an inconvenient time, I promise you he will take note. Smile lots, be busy. Men love a challenge.

    Don't hide your body in bed, you are beautiful, bin the bathrobe and treat yourself to a satin number, he is honoured to make love to you and embrace you. Add a touch of lip gloss and mascara.

    He will love the new you and he will tell you so.

    Good luck X

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