My wife has been sexting the same man for 7 months. I just recently found out. She swears on her life that they only kissed 4 times. I looked at her phone bills and she was averaging 900 texts a month. I saw her phone and these messages were as graphic as they come. Use your imagination, and you still wouldn't believe it. She wants to be with me, and claims she will do anything to undo the damage she has done. I don't know if I can ever believe her again. I love her and want to make this work, but I don't need her to complete my life. We have a 3 year old son. We really do love each other, but I will never be able to look at her the same. I have no respect for her, and know that if this marriage is going to work I have to trust her again. As graphic as humanly possible, sext messages!!

Not to demean your obvious pain and feelings of betrayal, but your wife clearly NEEDS something more from your marriage. She felt she couldn't get that from you; and she felt she couldn't talk to you about it.

But now you know.

First thing: ignore the betrayal for a moment -- treat it as a cry for help. (Think about it: if she *wanted* to fully cheat, she *could* have. She didn't *want* to.)

Next: think -- can you give your wife the sex life she'd like? The details of her texts are probably a huge exaggeration of what she'd really like. But, no doubt, she wants more than there was already in the marriage. She probably doesn't need 5th gear, but would like more than 1st gear.

Are you both willing to work through this? I would suggest couples counseling. And maybe even individual counseling. I imagine this is going to be a tough one to work through.

Your wife has cheated on you, disrepected you, and broken your trust... that tough to accept.

If your wife had had a one night stand I would advise you to give her a second chance, but she's carried on for 7 solid months. I just can't see how anyone could love their husband and continue cheating on them on a daily basis for 7 months.

Are you sure that she's really sorry and has learned her lesson or is she simply sorry because she got caught up in it? If she's not sorry for breaking your trust and cheating then even counseling would be a waste of time. If she is truly sorry, counseling MIGHT help you both get through it.

If you can't regain trust, you can't regain your relationship.

It is all too easy to have an affair, take your pick- there are many ways- sneak around, lie, carry this infidelity behind a wall of silence, day after day after day, and then, when caught, consider that it is somehow YOUR fault?

This is not your fault. You missed not picking up what was going down, because she chose to keep you in the dark, and did a very good job. You aren't a mind reader.

She could have done many things, such as:
- talked to you that she was feeling insecure, overwhelmed, depressed, unloved, etc.
- said that she wanted to go to counselling to figure out why she was so unhappy that she was considering an 'affair'
- ended the relationship with the other man
- read a few self-help books, done some research on consequences of having an affair
- examined her own priorities, and where her marriage fit in with having another man

I could go on and on but the point is, she had choices, and unless she was unconscious when she texted, she knew, and deliberately made a choice to cheat, knowing full well she had many options to stop herself.

Trust her again? That is up to you. If my husband had done that to me, he would be living in a hotel right now.

The last two posters are correct -- there was a betrayal here (whether one calls it "cheating" or whatever). But they are missing the big issue. His wife clearly needs something from a relationship. Schubert's challenge is going to be talking to her and finding out what. THEN, he needs to see if he's OK with that need.

Trusting her, and forgiving her are all necessary. But he knows that. He needs to figure out where to go from there.

Um, I don't think that I could IGNORE this sort of betrayal (sorry, antipode) because it is a betrayal of the soul as well as of the heart.

900 texts per month
Kissing
Extremely sexually explicit messages

... they may not have physically done the act, but the intent sure was there.

If the OP's wife is genuine is wanting to 'do anything' to undo the damage - then that is precisely what SHE has to do. Sure, there may well be something missing, but it's up to HER to find out what it is, and up to HER to do everything to regain her husband's trust.

She's going to have to go out on a limb and put her actions under the microscope. She will need to understand that he won't trust her for a long time and that his respect for her is at rock bottom. She'll need to regain that respect by starting to behave with integrity.

I don't see that any of this can happen unless they get professional help to assist them in the process. Individually and together.