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    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #21

    Jan 4, 2017, 06:54 PM
    Ewwww. Don't settle for less than you deserve. I've often told people to have a selection process when selecting a mate. Too many people "fall in love" based on a new relationship. We are all actors in a new relationship. You have to get to know the true person. Learn from this and move on.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #22

    Jan 4, 2017, 09:47 PM
    Okay, I'm passive aggressive to a fault, so this probably isn't the best idea, but I'd sit him down, tell him that you agree to an open marriage. That means that he can go have all the experiences he wants, and so can you. And since he's punishing you for wanting a marriage with just him, and he's withholding sex, you have a lot of experiences you want to try, and a lot of men you're thinking of trying them with.

    I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like the thought of you being with other men. If he says that, then say "Ya, I don't like the thought of you being with other men either, but this is what you want, so let it be".

    Frankly though, I'd just kick his a$$ to the curb. But I'm not married to him, and based on what you wrote, I don't like him very much, so it would be very easy for me to kick his butt out.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #23

    Jan 5, 2017, 05:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by momma5 View Post
    He's actually told me on numerous occasions, he'd rather have me as a roommate than not have me at all.
    So what does this mean to you ? Would you want him as a roommate with all of his apparent faults ? I am with Alty on this one. We share the same opinion of your predicament.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #24

    Jan 5, 2017, 07:00 AM
    Thank you all for your answers. I tried talking to him last night. He told me leaving wasn't an option and neither was divorce... A little background info as to what kind of person he is, he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder. I don't know if knowing that would help anyone as far as giving advice or not... I'm just lost as to what to do anymore...
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,281, Reputation: 10853
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    #25

    Jan 5, 2017, 07:28 AM
    Let me ask you how long in this 6 year marriage have you known his mental/behavioral issues? Does he take meds, or gotten help counselling? Is he off those meds? Little things like that are very important facts to make a good decision.

    My first instinct is to help a partner/mate in crisis get the help they need by any means, including TOUGH love. I mean if he clocked his fool self in the kitchen would you call an ambulance, or make a doctors appointment at least? Of course you would and this doesn't sound any different really, so it goes back to what I said before, you be cool calm and collected and FIRM so YOU can make good decisions for yourself AND him, especially given he cannot.

    So maybe your response to my inquiries WOULD make a difference given I think he is a NUT... OOPS... I mean irrational, illogical, and uncooperative. Does this play into his employment situation in any way?
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #26

    Jan 5, 2017, 07:34 AM
    His employment issue was the result of a boss who had no clue how to run a business. Stress did play a big role there for awhile, but he has gotten another job since. We were engaged when he was diagnosed and he has stayed on his meds, which at the time, is the only way I would go through with us getting married. I'm not sure if he's on the right dosage anymore, and part of me thinks, it's not the medicine that needs to be fixed, it's his attitude as a human being. He was the youngest of 4,his parents were much older when he was born and I've even told him, he's always gotten his own way. But he's not a child anymore, so time to grow up...
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #27

    Jan 5, 2017, 08:48 AM
    "he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder"

    This added on top of the new revelation and his desire to experiment - there is just so much to fix. It may end up being a temporary fix at best. Is it possible that you jumped into this relationship without knowing this guy? I am typically not a cut your losses type of person but wow. At some point the stress of this man is going to outweigh whatever feelings you have for this man. It might be time to move on.

    If you do move on, please enroll in some sort of How To Pick a Man course. In other words, make sure you know the person you are promising to spend the rest of your life with before you take the plunge.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #28

    Jan 5, 2017, 09:17 AM
    We knew each for years. But its like slowly his mask fell off, if that makes sense. He tells me I changed so much since we got together, and maybe I have. I was 25 when we got together and had been in only one relationship before him, with my ex husband who I was with from 14 years to 24 years when we divorced. My husband was never monogomaous. In fact he had been with well over 100 women when me and him started seeing each other
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,281, Reputation: 10853
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    #29

    Jan 5, 2017, 09:19 AM
    We were engaged when he was diagnosed and he has stayed on his meds, which at the time, is the only way I would go through with us getting married.
    You sure blew right past that STOP sign, and proceeded full speed ahead.

    I'm not sure if he's on the right dosage anymore, and part of me thinks, it's not the medicine that needs to be fixed, it's his attitude as a human being.
    What do you mean you aren't sure? Either he is seeing a doctor regularly, and continually monitored and evaluated, or he ISN'T! Which is it?

    In my experience its seldom all you or all your partner for a screwed up situation but not being harsh here, but HE needs help, and HIGHLY likely so do you! Individually, and then as a couple. His withholding sex, and your reaction to it, are but symptoms of a greater issue(S) that needs to be addressed.

    I frankly see no resolution unless YOU get help, and demand that he does also. What would be the point in wallowing in this frustrating, unhealthy, dysfunctional situation? I say again, you cannot control HIM, but you can darn sure learn to control YOURSELF, and do the right thing for you! You don't like his attitude as a human being, demand he leave, and get help with that.

    I hope YOU get the right help to figure out what's right for you, and find the strength to do what's right.

    QUESTIONS?
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #30

    Jan 5, 2017, 09:37 AM
    I'm scared he's emotionally and mentally beaten me to this point.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,926, Reputation: 5430
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #31

    Jan 5, 2017, 09:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by momma5 View Post
    I'm scared he's emotionally and mentally beaten me to this point.
    Do you have a real-life support group?--friends and family?
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #32

    Jan 5, 2017, 10:33 AM
    I have a few friends, they are on my side for sure and already said they were going to 'have a chat' with him. I just worry after it all said and done, he takes it out on me again
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #33

    Jan 5, 2017, 10:43 AM
    Based on "he has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophreni, social control disorder, bipolar, acute fits of rage, and multiple personality disorder", the "have a chat with him" should go swimmingly.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,926, Reputation: 5430
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    #34

    Jan 5, 2017, 10:55 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by momma5 View Post
    I have a few friends, they are on my side for sure and already said they were going to 'have a chat' with him. I just worry after it all said and done, he takes it out on me again
    I'm with Oliver. A chat won't go anywhere plus you stand to lose.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #35

    Jan 5, 2017, 03:34 PM
    I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do; what you want to do, but you just aren't at the stage yet to make that final decision. You have the emotional ties; wanting things to work out how you would like them to, but it doesn't appear that will be possible given the history and his current attitude.

    His attractions are not going to change, and he doesn't want to put them aside for the marriage that you thought you had. In fact, he has made it clear that he would like to be free to explore even more. It truly is an emotionally stressful situation to realize that what you had envisioned for your marriage is now not the reality.

    So at some point, you will have to make some difficult decisions for how you want your life to proceed. This may be a situation of loving him, but knowing that he is not a good life partner for you.

    You'll have to decide if that's the case you're in.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #36

    Jan 5, 2017, 09:21 PM
    I think you're too kind and caring, and I don't say that to be harsh, I say it because I think the main reason you aren't already out the door is because of his issues, and he knows very well to use all his issues as a way to get you to stay. I'm very sure that whenever you have one foot out the door he makes you feel a lot of guilt "how can you leave me? I have mental issues. How can you be so cruel as to leave someone over something they can't control? Everything would be okay if you would just let me do what I want to do. You're the problem, not me", and that gets you to stay. Am I right? I'd bet I am.

    I'm going to be tough with you, because I really think you need it, and you need to start getting tough too. So I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to be honest, not only with me, but with yourself.

    1. Are you happy in this marriage?
    2. Would you be happier without him?
    3. If he didn't have the mental issues he has, would you tolerate the way he treats you?
    4. Are you able to deal with his issues on your own?
    5. Is he willing to get help, and is the help enough to make him into someone you can live with?
    6. If he left tomorrow, would you really be upset, or would you just miss him because he's what you're used to?

    Think long and hard. When was the last time you were really truly happy in this marriage? When was the last time you felt like you had a real partner, someone you can depend on, someone that will do anything to work with you in this partnership?

    You need therapy as much as he does. He's beaten you down, and now you're stuck in a relationship that obviously doesn't bring you even a bit of joy. Life is too short to waste on people that will only bring you down. You need to learn to stand on your own again, and you need to heal from what he's done to you in this marriage.

    I'm married, 21 years now, and I believe that marriage is worth fighting for, and that everything should be tried when a marriage is going through a rough patch. But kiddo, there comes a time when you have to realize that you've done all you can, and you don't have to give yourself a life sentence because it didn't work. There comes a time when you have to admit to yourself that for your own good, you have to walk away.

    He may think divorce isn't an option, but it is.

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