Hi,
Me and my wife met 13 yrs back and loved each other got married 8 yrs back. We have a beautifully daughter. As years passed I didn't have her much attention and didn't care for her emotional needs. I took her as somewhat granted as I thought we love each other very much and there is no need to express. She got frustrated with me may be as I wasn't caring much for her emotions and started relationship with another person. I came to know about this and now she says its all because of my mistakes. I pushed her into this. She says she loves her boyfriend a lot. She says she want to leave with me but still want to keep him as her friend. They had physical relationship. I can't accept him as our friend. Whenever I hear his name I boil with anger. Now I suspect her whenever she goes out etc. That guy is 5 yr younger than my wife and obsessed with her. He sends her love songs etc... I really don't know what to do. She won't tell me what is going on in her mind. Sometime she cries during night. Won't tell me why. She refuses to come to counseling. She sometimes tell me she loved him very much and he made her feel special. I really love her a lot. I really don't want our family to get separated. She never told other guy that she want to end the relationship. She told him that he can get girls like her and he can marry them leave happily etc. She worried that if my family and her family come to know about this it would be a disaster. I can't share this with anyone. I don't know what she want. I don't know what I need to do. I am sure that divide caused because of me not paying attention to her. Now she want to leave with me and want to keep him as friend who crossed all limits and had physical relationship with her. She never says she will remove him from our life. I really don't know what I need to do. Please help me. She doesn't share her feelings. I don't know what is in her mind. Will that guy haunt me for rest of my life?

test_needhelp, I moved your thread to the Marriage board because it seems to be more about the relationship than sexuality.

Thx Cat1864. Hope I would get some advice from people how to move ahead. I am in deep pain.

You both share the responsible for getting this point and you both must take responsibility for fixing the issues. She had other choices than getting involved with someone new. At this time it sounds like she is want to put all the blame on you and not work on the marriage.

You may not have been the best husband that you could have been, but that does not excuse her cheating and wanting to continue cheating.

You seem to now understand what you did and/or didn't do to cause issues in the marriage. You seem to be trying to change to be a better husband. It may take awhile for her to see those changes and respond positively to them. However, she won't see them as long as she is looking elsewhere for love. She has to make changes, too.

I don't like ultimatums and confrontations, but in your case, I think you need to sit down with her when your daughter is out of the house and have a very honest discussion about what you both expect out of the marriage. IF she keeps on insisting that she wants to keep this other man in her life, you have to decide if you are going to allow it or let her go to him and deal with the consequences. She is either in the marriage trying to work on it with you or for everyone's well-being she is out of it and the house. I would make going to marriage counseling part of working on the marriage. I don't think she will face the fact that she is now the one destroying the marriage until her plans start crumbling around her.

Even if she won't go to counseling with you, go on your own.

I don't know if I have to tell her on face that if I get to know that she contacted him I won't tolarate it anymore and we will break apart. I am just afraid that this will destroy the trust and relationship that we are trying to build from scratch. Do I have to tell her this?
If I find out she is still meeting him what I need to do? I am working as software professional. She is not. When I am not at home I don't know if she contacts him or not.
She has a soft corner for him. I can't tolarate him. I told her this. But I don't know if she is contacting him or not. That guy is obessed with her. I don't know what I need to do. I really don't know what is in her mind. She don't share anything with me.I am going for counseling almost once in 15 days. This time of my life is so painfull that sometime I think of going away from everyone.

You are not building trust if she wants to keep this guy in her life. You are trying she is not.
You need to sit with her face to face and tell her you want to work on this marriage, but if she refuses to give up this guy, the marriage will not work.

My qns are
1. Do I have to tell her on face that she need to breakup with this guy?
2. What if she doesn't give answer because she is not sharing feelings with me at all
3. She says I dindt go with that guy. It's the proof that she loves me. Is it true? I am not seeing smile on her face at all. Will she be happy with me in future?
4. What should I do if I find her meeting him again?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by test_needhelp

My qns are
1. Do i have to tell her on face that she need to breakup with this guy?
2. What if she doesn't give answer because she is not sharing feelings with me at all
3. She says i don't go with that guy. Its the proof that she loves me. Is it true? I am not seeing smile on her face at all. Will she be happy with me in future?
4. What should i do if i find her meeting him again?

---

1How else are you going to tell her? Are you willing to stay with her if she doesn't? You are the one hurting. Stand up for yourself.
2 If she does not give you an answer for me, that would mean she is not taking me or the marriage seriously.
3 Is she willing to go to counseling? Is she willing to keep this guy out of her life? That is the proof that she loves you. Has she apologized for cheating, owned up to what she has done? That is the proof that she loves you.
4 If you find her meeting him again after all of this, you end it!

As I see this, there has been little, or no communications between you two for years. How else would you know she was unhappy, or what you needed to do? So drop the guilt, it doesn't excuse bad behavior. She had better choices than cheating. How about try honesty?

If she gives the guy up and is willing to try, then you live together and work on it. If she still sees him, then somebody has to go. That simple, and yes that's what you sit her down, and talk about.

She says she want to be with me and she says she still loves me. But she says the other guy still loves her. He wanted to marry her and give support. She want him to get married to someone else and want to convince him to do so. She says she is partly responsible for this. So she want to be his friend and convince him. I don't like him near us. Am I selfish here? That guy still in love with my wife. He says he respects her dicision to be with me. But he still in love with her and I can see that in his websites. My wife says she has softcorner for him as he supported her when she was in need. I really don't know what I need to do here. How can I convince her not be in touch with him or forget him. She says it hurts if someone is crying (that guy)because of you.

You are her husband... your feelings have to come first. She doesn't have to be hateful to him, but she does need to end the relationship. She is not being mean to him if she breaks if off, she is actually being unfair to everyone if she continues.

It is unfair to you because her feelings for this man are not completely resolved and simply because there is not room for another man in your marriage.

It is unfair to him because he is not able to let go of his feelings and move onto someone who is available when she continues to engage him and support him as she does.

It is unfair to herself as well, because she is not able to fully appreciate her relationship with you. She is selling herself short.

She needs to cut the ties with him once and for all. I doubt she would be pleased if you were still investing this much time, and feeling of obilgation, to an old girlfriend.

This woman's first concern should be to you and the marriage, not him.
I'm assuming he is a grown man capable of finding someone on his own when he is ready. In the meantime he ought to be having no contact with her so he can heal.

Your wife is being selfish. She needs to decide if she is fully committed to you and your marriage and if she is she will stay away from this guy. She owes this guy nothing but to leave him alone.
You stop feeling guilty. Don't give in to her selfishness. She is wanting to keep a foot in this guy's life and justify it by saying she feels bad. She ought to feel bad for what she did to you.

Would your wife be willing to visit AMHD (Ask Me Help Desk) and read a thread or two about No Contact (NC)?
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-510423.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html

No Contact is a method to let go of a past relationship.

What the individual does to let go is get rid of methods of contact he/she has with the other person. That includes social networking sites, phone numbers, email addresses, even asking friends or allowing friends to give updates, and any other form of communication.

How it works is by ending the confusion and false hope associated with a break up of any type for everyone involved.

She needs to understand that attempting to stay his friend is only prolonging the pain and giving him the idea he can still win her back because she is still 'his'. It may hurt to think about but IF she cares about him, she will let him go with not even the thinnest string of friendship left to hold him to her. Otherwise, she is still holding on and is being selfish wanting both of you at the same time.

IF she cares about you as much as she says she does, she will break off all contact with him and put the energy she used in that relationship into working with you to rebuild your marriage.

Have patience, but don't allow her to guilt trip you into doing everything her way. A marriage is a partnership. Work together.

The ladies are being very nice about it, but for this to work, she drops him immediately, no if, ands, or butts. Now, not tomorrow. Sorry guy, but anything less is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Enough is enough, and my apologies ladies, but bad behavior gets no reward. Continued bad behavior gets the boot.

She says she will be just a good friend of his. I really don't know what to say. She say he made her feel special. He is very.. very good friend etc... One moment she says she gave up his friendship for me. Next moment she says he is very good friend of her and made her feel special. She want to be with me. At the same time she want him to be her friend. I have a cute 5 yr old daughter. I am just leaving my life because my baby loves her mom and father very much. I can't tell this to her family as well my family. If I do so no one will accept her. She know all these. But still she says he is her best friend... etc...

Then you know where her loyalty lies and it is not with you.

I wouldn't tell any one, but she would have to know the danger she is putting her friend in by continuing to talk of him in any way, and have any contact with him whatsoever.

I cannot advise you do anything wrong or illegal, but you better make a very strong point to them both. I chose my words very carefully, but if you are such a wimp to be punked out by this female, and don't know how to handle it, then do you deserve the happiness you seek?

Sorry to be harsh, but I personally wouldn't tolerate any crap from either of them, nor would my wife dare mention him again, nor see him ever, if she was still in MY house, the one I built and maintained.

You may not know what to do, or want to do it, but you better figure it out quickly.

But she says whatever she did from her point is wrong. From other guys perspective its right. She says he is ready to accept her with my kid it seems. So from his point everything is right. Its just love it seems. She says he is her best friend ever etc.. She want to keep him as friend and tell him that he can get a life partner like her etc. She want to convince him to get married it seems. She is very convincing person. She can convince anything. But somehow I am not feeling good about being touch with this guy who was about to destroy my life and take away my kid and wife. She never understands it. She says he is not my competator. You are my husband and that guy is friend. I really don't know what to tell

You don't have sex with a friend, a friend does not want to take a woman and her child away from her husband. He and your wife need to know their place and be put there.

If I were you, I'd tell her since she is so loyal to him, go to him.
It would hurt I know but it will hurt you more to have your wife continue this selfish mess.
Get yourself an attorney and send your wife to her "friend" to him.

Listen... this relationship is done... she has proven that she has no qualms about seeing other meant while you are married. She may be satisfied right now because of the past attention she has gotten but how will you know that if she finds herself in the same psotion that she just won't do it again?? Let her move on with her life and I guarantee she will realize the choices she has made will not result in a better life. If you choose to stay with her good luck on trying to patch things up...