Ask Me Help Desk - My wife stays out all night long. What can I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar45

. . . I won't stand for this disrespect any longer. I am filing papers next week, with or without her mutual agreement. Thanks again everyone!

Awesome!

As for your child, you may want to hire a PI to follow your wife around and document her all-night binge drinking excursions so you can submit actual proof to the court that she is not a fit parent. In my state, no matter how lousy of a parent the mother is, she will almost always get custody and the ex-husband has to pay alimony--this is an actual law if you can believe it--for the rest of her life after child support expires.

Divorce is messy, so cover your a**, but you are making the right decision.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Awesome!

As for your child, you may want to hire a PI to follow your wife around and document her all-night binge drinking excursions so you can submit actual proof to the court that she is not a fit parent. In my state, no matter how lousy of a parent the mother is, she will almost always get custody and the ex-husband has to pay alimony--this is an actual law if you can believe it--for the rest of her life after child support expires.

Divorce is messy, so cover your a**, but you are making the right decision.

Unless her "all night binge drinking excursions" affect her ability to parent this is money wasted on a LPI. Simple testimony that she is gone all night and comes home reeking of liquor is sufficient.

I don't understand what you are saying about spousal support. In your State the mother receives child support and when that ends she receives spousal support until she dies?

Spousal support and child support are not tied together in my State - NY - and more and more Courts are taking into consideration the ability of the wife (usually not the husband) to support herself and limiting the duration and amount of spousal support. This particular woman apparently works (when she feels like actually going to work).

I'd be interested in knowing which State handles spousal support in a different manner - under these circumstances.

Well, here is an update... I have not filed any papers yet. I am calling around tomorrow to set up an appointment with an attorney. Yesterday, the wife had no plans for the evening and our son was at the grandparents. I asked her to be home when I got home from work at 1130. I told her I looked forward to spending the night with her. However, because our son was spending the night with grandparents, I knew she couldn't sit home all evening alone. If she went out doing something, I assumed she would be home by 1130. Without a call, text, message, email, note, etc... I arrived home from work on time to find she was not home. No surprise. I called and text her with no replys for hours. She finally replied... "chill out, I'm out, ill be home" and that's it. She was out from 6p until almost 3 a. That makes for a total of 5 nights out for her in the past 7 days. That's is way too much for a married woman with a child. Unexceptable!! I slept on the couch and today I set up a bed in our 3rd bedroom. Just now, I explained to her how she hurt me by not being home, how she has no respect for me and is not putting forth any effort what so ever. She blew me off, not saying anything and went to bed. She clearly doesn't care. Its clearly over. I'm going to sleep now in that 3rd bedroom and making my calls in the morning. I can honestly say that I have done all I could. Sweet dreams! Ttyl.

It's not even just because she's a "married woman with a child", but you asked her to spend time together and she completely blew you off! Good luck with the divorce, there will be a much better woman out there for you.

Everyone has a different time frame but this was first posted on March 21 and you have wasted over a month deciding what to do - meanwhile your child is with the grandparents instead of the parents so that the mother can go out all night?

She has disrespected you enough - time for you to leave.

Update - 6/2... It is over! Slowly but surely... it will end. I now have my own bank accounts, we will be attempting to divide up assets, property and all the expenses.. . AND... I have picked up a PRO SE DIVORCE packet from the county court house. We will try to file jointly without lawyers, but if that doesn't work out... I will be filing separately. =) the future looks brighter already, now that I have made up my mind!!

- I think this really is in your best interest. You sounded so sad and confused when you started posting and now you sound like you are together, happy.

So sorry you are going through this but it looks like there is daylight at the end of a tunnel.

When I got divorced I HATED it when people said to me, "Don't worry, you'll meet somebody." How dare they! Did they think I couldn't survive without a man!

Well, then I met somebody.

So - my words of wisdom today. "You'll meet somebody (in the right time frame)."

Good luck.

Good luck to you. Go find happiness.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Unless her "all night binge drinking excursions" affect her ability to parent this is money wasted on a LPI. Simple testimony that she is gone all night and comes home reeking of liquor is sufficient.

Fair enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I don't understand what you are saying about spousal support. In your State the mother receives child support and when that ends she receives spousal support until she dies?

That was my misunderstanding, child support and alimony aren't connected. But, once you're forced to pay alimony you have to until the ex-spouse dies, or be a jailbird.

This is Massachusetts law, I ain't a lawyer but laws here are notoriously ubiquitous and confusing. Here are some Mass alimony horror stories I found.

I'm glad you have taken this step and I wish you and your child well.

I can tell you that there will be ups and downs, but you are going to be in a better place for making this right decision.

One of my fav quotes is "forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past"...

Of course it means the past is the past and you can't change it...

Of course it can tie into how to find some way to make some peace with that person who hurt you...

But it also ties into forgiving yourself... letting go of mistakes you might have made or times when you "held on too long"... etc...

There's a lot of power in taking a deep breath in... letting it out... and saying "this is reality... im living in reality"... you can do a lot in that place.

If my experience translates to yours, every few months you will look up and say "hmmm... this might not be what i wouldve asked for, but im doing better than the last time i looked up"...

Ill add this in...

I think when an addict "relapses" isn't when they take that first drink or hit or pulls the lever arm or whatever... they relapse the second they start their lying behavior... to themselves, their loved ones, etc...

And likewise the moment a divorce happens is not when the paperwork is done, signed, and the judge says "ok"... legally, sure... but your divorce happened a long time back. The judicial flourish is just the scrolling of "The End" on a movie you already know to be done.

...

I really am a fricking beam of sunshine tonight...

All that to say I'm glad you are moving forward...

Ok I am going through this myself almost EXACTLY. I am a little older and she is 27. Look, part of the problem is two maturity levels, you are responsible and dealing with reality and she is running away from it. I am a little lucky because I have learned to talk to my wife a little at a time when she wants too. My wife is a little more honest. She lost respect for me because I let her run through me for so long. I have heard it all and even had my wife leave tell me she'd be gone for just "a few minutes" at 11 am not to return until 11 am THE NEXT MORNING, texting all day, staying out with single friends I have never met, refusing to wear her ring! I know what someone living a secret life away from me feels like. I know your pain TRUST ME!

The biggest thing is centers of influence. My wife for example started working at a restaurant with a bunch of single people, well guess what? I became lame and boring and pitiful to her because she had a life and friend I couldn't meet, and all I did was stay home and watch TV, she refuses to wear her ring for the last 2 months. She didn't want my "lame " to meet all her new cool people. But you know there are 2 reasons for that... 1) They don't want that special someone to actually meet you. 2) They are afraid her friends will actually like you and realize the crap she probably talks about you is untrue.

For anyone else suffering from this, it is called rebellion, it happens in a lot of marriage and it is the period where 70% of divorces happen and it happen around year 2-5. Some people make it, A LOT don't, and regardless of how you feel, it has NOTHING to do with you or something you have done, its your spouse fighting with themselves and it's a fight they have to take on alone, you can't control, help, or change it, I promise, you getting involved makes it worse! My personal experience, GET OUT OF THE WAY... FAR AWAY.

Now for my own personal advice. DO NOT give ultimatums, rules, or conditions! Believe it or not they WILL purposely reject it and they may not know why? They may have intentions of changing, but it is like the little devil on their shoulder will always win. Guess where that leaves you? CRUSHED and broken with your own sanity in question! Let me make this clear THEY WILL NOT CHANGE IF YOU PUSH, YOU CAN NOT MAKE RULES THEY WILL BREAK THEM TO MAKE A POINT! Don't try to engage, don't fight, walk away and work on making yourself a survivor, and use "I feel" statements, not "You" statements.

It is like dealing with the devil. Mine stayed out all night one too many times, and truthfully I am sure she is seeing if there is greener grass with other people ( my wife really is model playboy material), I am sure she has or will cheat. Remember this, people will treat you by how the love you... do you feel love? I don't and I still have something with mine and we still hug and kiss, and we talk everyday! Either way I brought boxes home for mine after an all nighter with no call or return text.

I won't accept her being gone every night until 3 or 5 in the morning its about respect. It is killing me and she can't stop, so why keep allowing it. I just told her she was going through something and that I love her and cared, and would be there, but I needed to be respected. I decided to ask my wife to leave, she is respecting it cause she knows what this is doing to me. I am not sure what the result will be, but I know I will eventually have peace in my own life. I suggest people suffering from this make the stand. Don't do it with rules and ultimatums, do it by getting on with your life. If they catch up it will be better than ever! If not then at least you aren't suffering every night wondering and its better to get the horrible lonely feeling and person away from you sooner than later. Trust me. God bless and good luck! I'll be here reading for my own sanity it is a long way out of the ditch guys.

Update from the main man... the wifey signed the divorce papers, dating them on my 30th birthday. Way to stab me in the heart, huh? I caught her following her boyfriend to his house on the night of my 30th birthday. That twisted the knife in my heart.

It is so frickin hard sometimes, emotionally that is. We filed in July, 4 months after my original post here. We did the pro se packet, but she got a lawyer anyway. I have not hired one yet and I am still debating it. I may have to just do it, because I want shared placement and definitely deserve it, where she wants prime placement and child support. I think that custody issues are the hardest frickin part of the divorce process. The rest is pretty much done and ready for court approval. Well, off to bed... I am happy it is all coming to an end, finally. I want to start 2011 single. I hope we are done by then.

Definitely an attorney so you can get all the rights afforded to you in regards to your child. And stop following your wife around. It is counterproductive.

I wish you well

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I caught her following her boyfriend to his house on the night of my 30th birthday. That twisted the knife in my heart.

I think if you tried, you could have celebrated your birthday, and signing the divorce papers in a much better way. Surely anything would have been better than putting a knife in her hands, and letting her twist it in your heart.

If you keeping asking others what they think in what you see is wrong, then you must feel something for her but she don't feel nothing for you, she don't deserve you,it will be hard for the few weeks ahead after you leave ,but believe me it will be relief after that