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Originally Posted by nitelight198073
Try to see her the way others do. Love is blind and then one day you suddenly have 20/20/ vision and you see what she has done to you. Don't let her walk on you anymore. She won't and doesn't respect you. Stay away. I'm very sorry but you need to stand up and walk away. :(
Stand up and be a man! She doesn't love you and she certainly doesn't respect you. You allowed her to walk on you and now it's time to walk away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 450donn
Emotional and highly illegal advice - a good way to find yourself on the wrong end of this situation.
Well, its me here, the original question asker! Nothing has changed for better or worse. I'm still getting strung along. First thing in April, I sat her down and had a talk. I agreed not to speak to our parents about our problems and in return she agreed to at least speak to me about our problems. I held up my end and she won't talk to me, just sits there and listens when I want to talk. Still no wedding band, still late nights out with guys and still no I love you's or even 1st base in 8 months. I also agreed to not be a hypocrite about everything, in return for her to be home at a reasonable hour, I chose 400 am which allows for plenty of time at webbs or whatever after bar close. She agreed and shook on it. She broke our agreement, not once, not twice not three times, but FOUR nights in April she showed up after 500 am. That was way more then I should tolerate, but I finally grew a pair and gave her an ultimatum: Be home by 400 or there will be severe consequences. (I will move out for a seperation). I also gave her more then ample time frame to get her together (Til mid July, my 30th b-day) or I am gone for good! No more games! I need love, I need my wife back or I am moving on! What else can I do to keep her? I have tried everything: counseling, books, family advise, friend advise, internet advise, straight up confrontations and ultimatums! I'm done. I need to cut my losses and get out while I'm still young enough to find a loving spouse and have a real family. What else should I do? Any more advise?
I have to ask you again, who takes care of the baby when she is out all night, coming home drunk, and sleeping all day.
It is good that you have done so much ground work to try to get her to open up, but clearly she isn't willing.
Have you checked to make sure she's not ringing up credit cards, overdrafts or a second mortgage on the house?
Who drives her home, and do you know any of her 'buddies' as you call them?
I can't imagine life in your house, particularly for the child. When she lays around, hungover and unresponsive to conversation as to her behaviour and actions, do you just flip on the TV and watch the news? Who's taking care of the house.
I don't know that you will get any 'new' insights with answers here, as your situation has not improved at all.
I guess the question is, how long are you going to put up with this.
Agree with "Jake" - you're waiting until July to do "something" and in the meantime your child is living in this situation?
It's over. Move on.
Dude hate to be the bearer of bads news its over !
Follow up... If I am at work, our child is at a grandparents house and I am forced to pick him up in the morning, even if I work until 3am, she stays out until 5 am and sleeps until noon. There is no reason our child needs to be at the grandparents all night and all day. He is our child and one of us needs to be the responsible adult. Often I am the one to stay home all night and get up with him for the whole morning. I also go out as she watches him, however, I am home at bar close and often still get up before her.
We have our budget issues and are working through them ffor the most part, I am watching her spending like a hawk and it is hurting us. She has several credit cards in her name only and fills them up to max balance, just as fast as our check nocks it down a bit. There is some drinking and some gambling involved and its hard for me too tell if either are too excessive.
She drives herself home between 5 and 6 am averaged out. I know of these guys and know a lot about them. More then she thinks I know. She reufuses to introduce any of us or allow us to meet up for any outing at all. Her friends are her friends. They are single and find my wife both fun and attractive according to a text message a wish I never saw. I have tried and tried to meet these guys and feel more comfortable with my wife spending time with them, but the hidding, lying and avoiding makes me all the more suspicious.
Last night she went out 11p until 416 am. After I told her she was on probation and there would be consequences for arriving later then 400 am. I advised her of 400 agreement again. And again at least 10 times. She still failed by 16 minutes which is ONLY a big deal because this is 5th offense this month after a dozen warnings the night before. When she arrived messed up I informed her I would be moving out today, she gave some bs excuses and went to sleep. She again took off in the am to go in late to work without even telling me.
I am done. We will have one last talk over dinner tonight and I am making arrangements to stay elsewhere for a few week separation. I have no other choice but too punish her for breaking our mutual agreement five times in a month. More later.
I think your attempts to "punish" her are not going to work and could backfire. She's not your child; she's your wife.
Again - what about your child? You leave. What happens to the child?
Protect yourself and your child now by contacting an attorney and filing for custody. It's obvious that your wife is not going to change.
You sound like a wonderful man who deserves to be loved and treated with respect, so it's definitely time to move on.
You're a better man than me, because she would be gone tonight, or I would.
What do you mean you have her on probation? She is not a child to punish. She is a grown woman, your wife, the mother of your child who is behaving in a completely inappropriate manner. And why are you giving her until July to clean up her act?
This mess not only effects you, but your baby. Get yourself a lawyer, file for divorce and custody of your child.
You owe her no explanation, she knows what she is doing and does not care.
The first thing I would do is cancel all the credit cards.
The second thing I would do is leave- with the baby. Make arrangements to stay with your mother so she can responsibily care for him/her while you are working. (I'm surprised the grandparents haven't spoken up about her yet)
Considering the circumstances, there are concurrent addictions going on in my opinion, both to gambling, and alcohol. Risk taking behaviour is likely in there somewhere as well, with all the single males and females, and perhaps drugs too. I'm only guessing, but she does seem to fit an out of control person to me.
Document, document, document. Write out all the reasons you left with the baby, and file for custody, or interim custody- whatever it is called, so that you have immediate control over the well being and safety of the child.
While you sort out all the other matters with her, at least make sure the baby is safe, and don't endanger him by just leaving without him. If she has addictions going on, that won't stop on a dime simply because she needs to step up and be a mother.
If you put yourself and the baby first here, and really see things for what they are, it will be clear what you need to do.
And the sooner the better.
This going to seem harsh, but I think you need to stop and think about what began all of this mess. I am beginning to feel like there is a huge part of the story missing.
When she told you that she didn't love you, did she say then that she wanted out of the marriage? When it became obvious that she wasn't willing to work with you to save the marriage, why didn't you end it then? End it BEFORE she went off the deep end and started running away from you, the marriage and your child?
Yes, she could make the decision to leave or if we heard her side would there be an extremely different tale told?
Um, I'm really confused.
None of your efforts, entreaties, rules, demands or punishments have changed anything at all with regard to her behavior.
You're acting like a 'daddy' and she's behaving like a rebellious teenager.
What exactly is going on here?
Why exactly do you want to stay with her? Why does she stay with you?
There are a whole lot of things that don't add up - the situation you describe is increasingly bizarre and I suspect that there is something else altogether happening here.
The person I'm most concerned for is the child. Neither of you ever seem to be around to give it any care.
How old are you and how old is she?
I am 30 in July which makes me 29 now. She is 27. There is nothing wrong with the child's welfare. He is 3 this year and still doesn't know what is going on. We rarely argue when he is around. We don't yell, curse or fight in front of him. I am holding on because of this 8k tax credit we now have to repay if we split within the next two years. I don't know the details and should get educated. It may be worth the financial loss to get out of this relationship which has hit rock bottom. There is no hope left! I have made changes and given it all the effort I am willing too. I am done trying. I am giving her a deadline to come back hoping and praying that a little more time will help. I am an excellent father and was a great husband. Something snapped in her head and she gave up on me, nearly a year ago. I have put this off long enough and will contact an attorney in May to explore my options, get info and plan ahead for the worst situation I have had to make a decision on in my life. I still don't want to be a quitter. But seriously, how long do I wait for her to come around? I want and need love in my life. I want more kids and it ain't happening here for years if ever. Its time to cut my losses and pack my bags. Its really hard and really sad and I don't want to do it. I am torn! I am confused! What more can I say? Everyone is saying get attorney, get out and protect the kid... is anyone for trying harder or something different? Is this really it? Is it over?
This woman obviously has no respect for you and will continue to run over you no matter what you do.
She may be on drugs and is gambling, in which case you still need to leave her. You don't want to be enabling her behavior by giving her choices.
Whether she gets herself together or not is something she must decide to do, there is nothing you can or should do at this point.
I'm sorry this is happening to you and your son, I wish you well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dar45
At this point in time you seem to be stuck and sinking in quicksand.
You really should be at a point where you know you have to take care of the baby, and take care of yourself.
What is over? Well, she isn't a loyal partner who puts any value on you, or your baby together. Also over is her parenting skills. Also over is her ability to admit to having any contributing problems to her behaviour. Also over is her respect for herself, and for you. Also over is any hope that she will even attempt counselling.
The marriage is a shell, and you are still fighting with yourself to see the writing on the wall.
If you were to focus on only one thing- the baby- and that baby's needs, you would clearly see the environment is unhealthy to a point where his physical safety is at risk. (remember she takes all day to recover from the night before).
Even though your mother takes care of the baby while you are at work, your wife has somehow managed to bury her mothering instincst, and parenting responsibilities.
This isn't about you anymore- your priority should be the life your child is growing up in. Time to pull yourself together and do the right thing for him.
You can cry in your soup when the work is done.
Thank you everyone! Your comments concerns and suggestions have helped me greatly in reaching my final decision. Last night she told me she took off work Thursday morning and isn't going in until noon. She planned for a long night out on the town. She went out last night and I didn't say a word. I didn't ask where she was going, who she was going with and didn't remind her of our 400 agreement. She didn't offer any of that info either. She clearly knows that I won't stand for her to show up after 400. She showed up at 530 am this morning reaking of alcohol. She has made her bed and she can lay in it alone now. I won't stand for this disrespect any longer. I am filing papers next week, with or without her mutual agreement. Thanks again everyone!
I hope you have actually made an appointment, at least to find out what your legal obligations are, and more particularly about the custody of your child.
I'm not sure why you suggest that she may or may not cooperate, or why it would matter, but that's up to you.
Keep thinking, you're heading in the right direction here. Please post and let us know how it goes.
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