I give up, I will yield to my obvious lack of knowledge regarding intrinsic values of porn (?), adulterous affairs and free sex and of course, "It's just sex!

I'm officially advertising for all the free physical, uncommitted female teachers available to me here in my area to stop by, demonstrate your logic and of course everything else.

However, I do ask that this current arrangement be passed through my wive for her approval. I do not want to conflict with anything she has pre-scheduled for me. All you need to do is send her a note at [email protected].

Starlets can group to the right of my door, Film demonstrators to the left. Morticians, come right in! :)

Donf--

It's not that we're knocking your situation. What you have is GREAT, and even better--it works for YOU.

After nearly 12 years with my husband (I know it doesn't come close to measuring up, but hey--I am only 33 here!), I think what WE have is pretty great, too, and it works for us. What we have, though, occasionally includes porn--both solo and together.

My philosophy on porn (and on sex in general) is this:

As long as it doesn't hurt your partner, or hurt your relationship, AND you talk about it--where's the harm?

That philosophy works for porn, it works for masturbation, it works for pretty much any kind of sex act you could do. Like to get off while standing on your head in a clown suit? GREAT! You just have to talk to your partner and make sure that he/she is okay with that, too. If he/she isn't, well then--you either need to not get off in a clown suit while standing on your head (which would mean it wasn't THAT important to you to begin with) or you need to move on, and find a partner who is either okay with the head-standing clown suit thing or actively encourages it. To me, understanding that there are some things my husband likes that I don't, but I love him enough to either let him have those pleasures alone (porn on his computer when I'm too tired to please him, or too ill,or whatever) or join along with him (having a risqué photo shoot so that he has ME to look at instead of some chick on the internet) so that our sex life stays spicy and fun.

It's about honesty, communication, and what works for YOU.

Obviously, porn is not your cup of tea. Great! It is ours, kind of. As in... my husband likes his little clips on the internet occasionally, and I really like bodice rippers :)

Anything is cool between healthy consenting adults.

Synnen,

I am in no way poking fun at you or your belief system or even how you arrived at where your are. Wouldn't this be a boring place if we all thought the same. Get out the white paint and cover the world, we are the same so we blend!

Actually the more I think about it, the funnier it seems tome that I have so many "Opinions" on something I really know so little about. It's comical, at least to me.

I like to tell tales of "My married life" so I have an example of just how much of a "free thinker" I am.

Early 1966, my oldest brother, Bill (Deceased) is going through a divorce. Rich (middle Brother), originally intended by our mothers for Bonnie, and of course my lady and I were sitting at an "Irish" bar ( sure now, can there be another watering hole, so fine) in the Inwood Park area of the Bronx (NW). Let's see Bonnie and I would have been 19 by then. We are married.

The sitting arrangement has me to the far left, Rich, Bonnie and Bill. Just to the left of me one seat over is a "Colleen." drinking a beer.

Bon and Bill are having a nasty bit of conversation regarding his soon to be former wife, sleeping with his then best friend.

Irish barley, it's derivitives and I get along just fine. Beer, however is another tale of woe, One or wo of "sips" have been become famous for sending me to La, La Land.

Any way, next thing I know, here's the lass from my left, sitting next to me and rubbing her leg against mine. H'm, I think to myself, what the hell does she want, (I'm a Irish Man's Man especially with a little beer in me).

Bonnie is ripping Bill several new orrifices, Rich is laughing and I forgot where I was at the time, probably at some binary level trying to figure out why the clock across the street was lit in Orange instead of the "Blessed Kelly Green"

So I gently push Rich back and lean towards Bon and tell her this lass wants something. Frozen in mid sentence with her lips moving so slow I heard a blur of what does she want?

Still seeing the humor of the conversation, (I was fast approaching the bottom of my taste) and I tell Bon, now just how in the world would I know, she just keeps rubbing her leg against mine.

There it was, out into the open, I had once again entered into the valley of Death and I was alone and staring at pure fury with no place to run, hide or dig to.

Bon slowly puts her hand on my chest and ever so politely (because I remember thinking I had thought she looked so very, very vexed) asks the lady if she could help her with anything.

The lady said the since Bonnie had the other two of us, she thought she would just take me off her hands) What a smile Bonnie had on her face as the talons dug into my chest and she sweetly asked, is he being suggestive to you. No, she said, in fact she was pretty sure that I wasn't paying attention at all. Well blood flow starts again and great spurts of crimson shoot from the holes in my chest as Bon's talon grip relaxes.

The rest is seared into my brain path, Bonnie all of 5'3 of her stands, steps over to Rich, 6'3 Marine, just back from Chi-Li, Vietnam, takes him by the ear, drags him over to the other girls side "throws" him into an adjacent stool and tells him to stay. He did not move for the remainder of the night.

Bon, returns to her conversation with Bill after telling the girl that this one is mine, Do what you want to the other two, but he's mine!

I still remember the fierce look in Bonnie's eye when I asked her what had she wanted? She took by near empty mug, gave it to the tender and said give him one Jameson's on the rocks, nothing more unless I tell you. Yes mam! Was the only words heard in the bar at the time.

Yet here I sit auguring the merits and demerits of something that has never interested me in the slightest.

I look for ways to be with my wife. If God ever told be I could change anything about her, I hope and pray that I could have the strength of conviction to say, the lady is just perfect the way you created her, leave her be. You did wonderful work!

I like to listen to her breathe. Watch her chest rise and fall in sleep. Feel her burrow under an arm and snuggle in for some comfortable couch time. To me, God did fine, who am I to argue with that?

I agree with what the others have posted. I do not believe anything is wrong with porn, when viewed by an adult or shared with another consenting adult. Sometimes couples find it does help relationships. Do the two of you still have sex? It looks like he wants outside stimuli and the computer sites can become addicting, but if he posts that he is separated and looking, he's a slimy piece of because he is married. I know you love him, and I am sorry for saying that, but you love him and respect and honor him, as you vowed you would. He isn't respecting you, or honoring the commitment he made to you, which shows that his love may not be pure. You deserve to be loved, admired and adored. My sister is heavy and she has no problem with men finding her attractive. Did he enjoy you when you got married? He should love you for you, mind, body and soul. I think the porn sites are not only his way of getting off, but an escape. He probably hates how much he works, and he feels like that is his time to do what he wants. But being in a marriage isn't about doing only what you want, you're a partnership. If you have spoken to him about how it hurts you and he does it anyway, he evidently doesn't care that it hurts you. I know it may sound stupid, but as he is such a computer guy, try emailing him a letter, (but not too long) expressing how you feel (that you feel it's you that he doesn't want, that you want to be with him more, spending quality time) and maybe that may be better because he'll have to sit through and read it instead of listening over TV. Ask him how he'd feel if you did that, and his response will tell you volumes. I wish you the best, but don't blame yourself. He's the one with the problem, NOT YOU! It's so easy to blame yourself, find faults in everything that you do that you get sucked into becoming depressed. HE is the one that needs to change, and if he won't, evidently he's better off as a friend or less.

My best friend has the same problem as you, her long term byfriend of 20+ yrs is the same way, has even cheated on her many times, had his name on horneymatch.com and match.com and so on... he then gets a job driving truck and shacks up with a chick he met online on pogo.com and is leading a double life, but she wised up, threw his stuff out and him on his a**, he is still kissing hers trying to get back in but she is fed up! You should be too, if he is on dating sites, sorry, but he is on the way out of your life, don't let yourself live this way like my friend did for 20 yrs, she even has kids with him~ get out because this relationship is going to drive you crazy and rip yourself esteem to shreds, your worth more and better than that! It has already started sweety, you already think it is your fault and your not enough for him, get out of this now or you are going to get very hurt soon. I don't imagine you have changed that much in a year of marriage so your weight has nothing to do with it.

Yes, you should be worried. He is addicted to porn and neglecting you in the balance and that's not a good thing. I really think you do need professional counseling ; try to find some way to afford it.

I don't mean to step on anyone's toes, but it sounds like he has a sexual addiction and he needs counceling himself long term, however not all respond positivly to counseling, my friends b-friend went through sex addicts classes and was good for about 3 months then still went back to the same stuff, it is like crack seriously, counseling is not going to fix this, esspecially after only a yr. the marriage is too young and not yet strong enough to handle a problem this big. Her well being is at stake here, to heck with his issues, she is set to have a bunch of her own issues if she stays with him, so maybe counseling would help her to find out why she thinks so little of herself to let a man treat her this way? Love cannot always fix everything sorry. Trust me I myself have been married twice and am on 10yrs of marriage now.

As with most addictions, the only way to protect yourself against them, is to leave, and hope they fall on their face hard enough, to want to change.

That is what we are doing now. We are emailing each other. That is how we talk about the big problems. And with what we have been sending back and forth I think that we have come up with something that will work. We are still going to be married, because we love each other. And using his words he has never been on a dating site, and that masturbation is not cheating when your loving yourself.
The other thing is I just can't see myself wihout him. He is the other half of me that I have been looking for. He compleats me. We are talking at leaset and working it out. He was only on the computer for aout 3 hours last night, not all at the sametime. And then he spent the reast of the time with me and the puppy. So he is trying.and it was nice having him there with us. Even the puppy was happy to see him. Lol.

I understand you love him and him making an effort is great, just don't get blindsided by his all of a sudden "change" it may be temporary, I hope it is permanent for your sake, but him spending any time on dating sites when he is married is wrong OK? And as far as the masturbation goes, it is cheating if he is doing it to the exclusion of you, meaning you are not having sex because he is doing himself.

Please help, any answer will help no matter how big or how stupied it may sound.

My husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times or something like that. I mean come on... we talked about this the other day and he said that he has never went on to these sites, and I have been on these sites.. looking for him. And he can look into the computer and see what sites I have been on, I can't because I don't know how. But he said that he thinks I'm the one cheating because of the sites that I have been on. But I'm not...

A little info about us, we got married April2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2006.

We have been talking about what is going on, and he is getting better about going back there. Last night he only spent 3 maybe 4 hours back there. Came out ate dinner with me and the puppy and spent the rest of the night out there wuth us. That is like 4 hours. All together he spent about 6 hours with me and the dog. He had to wor also so 8 hours at work, 6 hours with us. That is not bad.

I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore. What can I do about that. We only have sex once a month, is that normal??

Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. He says that is looking something up for work and that he needs the door closed because it is to cold with it open, and to stay warm he has to close it. BS. He will be in there for about an hour and I will find something to put away that has to go into the back room and every time I knock on the door and he yells back " hold on.... rusel, zip, a click click form the computer, and then a come on in". And when I walk in the computer screen is back to the main screen. What would you think?? What wound be going on in your head?

We talk at night before we go to bed, that is where I feel like it is eazer to talk to him, and he said that he loves me and doesn't want a devorce,(witch he as thretened me a few times if I don't start picking up the house more) and that he is sorry that he is spending all that time back there. He said yesterday that he is done with the work crap that he has to do, soooo we will see how much time he spends back there now. And another thing, he sciped luch today, he always comes home for lunch. But I love him and trust him that he says he is working.

We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE SAYS THAT HE LOVES ME, BUT SHOULD I BE WORRIED??

I don't want to hurt your feelings but what I have to say is blunt like a talking you would get from a Dutch Uncle.

Dear, you are way overweight to begin with. Yes, he may love the girl inside as you put it, but any man who spends that amount of time on internet porn sites obviously is interested in what the outside looks like as well. You are only 21 and can lose the weight easier than if you were 50. You need to address your weight problem NOW, not later.

Any man who imerses himself in porn has a real problem if he does this day in and day out. There is something wrong with his thinking also as far as emotions are concerned about love and sex. His lame excuse of you picking up the house after he messed it up is typical of a selfish person's thinking. He is making you essentially his personal slave whether you realize it or not. And yes, he is 3 years old in his mentality by doing this.


This relationship sounded good to him when he started it, but now that the glow has rubbed off, I can see that he's headed in a different direction. Skipping lunch and not coming home is just how men start drifting away from their wives. He's going to "have to work" late pretty soon also I predict.

This guy seems to have nothing in common with you now. You can either put up with this porn in the closet freak who WILL start demanding that you and he have sex in the most disgusting ways imaginable to mimic what he's looked at in the backroom OR you can lose weight as best as you know how through a proper weight loss program and exercise and maybe he'll notice the slim, sexy wife he's married to and come back to you and reality instead of his fantasy.

Oh yes there is such a thing as a porn addiction with some men. It's no different than alcohol or smoking with them either. It is very hard to break this addiction also.

Thanks you for you help tewinkiedooter. I am trying to loose the wight, I'm walking the dog everyday and try to eat better. But he is a militiry man, he works 6:30 am to 5pm, or sometimes later. He does not have a normal 9-5. and for the past 2 weeks he has been bringing his lunch with him.
But the ting that really gets to me is that this is not the man that I married. When we were dating he would open the door for me, pull up the front so the I can get out of the rain then he would park the car, we would go out to eat at lease 2 times a week, we sat around watching TV together, drinking and just having a good time.. I love this man to death and I'm will do try anything to get him back to the man he was.

Honey... if he won't go to counseling, you should go yourself.

Don't hand me the don't have money thing, either, if he's military. Most bases have free counseling on hand.

You deserve better than he's treating you, and if he won't change, then you need to leave. You do not deserve to be treated like a servant, who needs to pick up the house for him to be happy.

And while I don't think that porn by itself is bad--the way your husband is using it IS. He is probably addicted. Ask him to go a week without it, for the sake of your marriage. If he's not willing to, then you have your answer: He's putting it before you, and before your marriage. Are you willing to live with that?

I am sorry, but I have to be very blunt with you: losing weight to win back your partner from porn is NOT the answer. I think you are having a hard time admitting to yourself that he is the problem, and not you. When you phrased your question, you asked: "Is porn wrong?".
Of course porn is not wrong. If you think clinging on to the responses that say porn is okay, will help justify your denial of the situation, think again.

When people make healthy choices, they have healthy minds. When people lose weight successfully, they do it for themselves. Just like your partner has to admit to his addiction on his own, you have to admit to yourself that in order to have a healthy body, you must have a healthy mind. I know its easier to think that you can save your relationship by trying to convince your partner you are worthy, but think about it: you already are! He does not define who you are!

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe perhaps he was this way before he met you? He met you on a dating site, and still belongs to several. He used to open doors for you? He doesn't anymore? That is all apart of courtship. And it worked!

Is this the life you want? Do you want to live the rest of your life trying to please a man, and not yourself? I believe we can all do wonderful things for ourselves with others as a catalyst or as inspiration, but is he supportive of you? You are 21 years old, with so much ahead of you. 3 hours of everyday that should be devoted to family, are devoted to pixels, mpegs, and high heels of other women. While he might be living in a fantasy world of fake women and staged sex, you are living in a fantasy world of forced domestication, unworthiness, and denial.

Losing weight involves re-programming how you view yourself, the world, and how you fit into that world. Your idea of romance is watching t.v. eating out twice a week, and drinking with your partner. His idea of romance is 3 hours sitting in the back room.

Believe it or not, you are being abused, programmed, and hard-wired to accept his behavior in favor of trying to rekindle what you thought this man was. Do you even know yourself? Your twenties should be about finding out who you are, your goals, your beliefs, your dreams...

Please focus on your hobbies, your education, and your health. Do not waste that on him! See a free counselor, join a group, focus on activities that make you happy--because at the end of the day, the only person you have is YOU.

Your husband has a PROBLEM! And its not your weight. As a 24 year old woman, I know what it is like to be naïve and think "if I just did this", "or if I just would have done that" maybe you could make something better. Stand up to your man! Put a filter on your computer! Let him know that what he is doing is pathetic, and that you did not marry a pathetic man.

You are in for a world of pain and hurt if you continue ignore that your husband is a sex-addict and needs professional help. I will personally call therapists in your area who will see you two pro-bono. There are many creative ways to find help. Think outside the box, and help you're partner stop living in one!!

Hello. Here's my somewhat similar story.
Firstly I want to I thank everyone who finds the time and generosity to read my lines and try and give me a piece of advice. I apologise for the length of my message, but I guess my situation is really complicated. I've been married for ONLY 7 months (there are almost two years since we've been living together). No kids yet. After 2 months since moving to live with him, I noticed a significant relaxation in our sexual life. I also found every week in the laundry basket towels or other pieces of clothing smelling so specifically (you guessed) and I was wondering whether my nose plays tricks on me.
Whilst at the beginning of our relationship the sex was very good, gradually he started to neglect me in bed. One day it occurred to me to check the computer... I discovered he was watching porn on it and masturbating after I was going to bed, every 2-3 nights! I was shocked, appalled, scared, confused, sick! When I told him that I discovered what he's doing, first time he said he was very sorry, he blushed and promised he won't do it again. I started to think I don't know him at all. I got depressive, needed to go to doctor and take anti-depressant treatment.
But he did it again after a short while, this time hiding 'better' the traces of his 'sins'. I caught him, just checking a bit deeper the 'application history' on the computer. When I brought it up again, asking him why is he getting away with it knowing this hurts me so much and insults my dignity, he denied. But then when I showed him the evidence. He got mad, very disruptive, he threw around and broke a few objects in the house, shouting, screaming, like a mad animal. Eventually he admitted he still had watched, but added: 'So what, what harm does it to you? You shouldn't feel hurt by it, it's not a crime what I am doing! '. Can you believe it? He didn't even felt ashamed any longer.
Then he refined more and more his methods of cheating on me with his porn videos, but so did I with tracing them down. The horror went on and on, culminating one day, when I came back home from shopping (he had been alone for a few hours) and I found in the kitchen sink a mug - while trying to wash it up, I sensed a funny smell. Well, believe it or not, it was sperm in it. I can't describe how sick and disgusted I felt. I thought he's a monster, a heartless and shameless animal. An enemy, not my fiancé (at the time).
He continued lying to me. Every time when I asked him whether he stopped doing 'the bad thing', he swore he didn't any more. He lied with so much serenity! I felt so betrayed, so humiliated, so deceived. After six months of nightmare, I simply couldn't bare the fact he was constantly 'replacing' me with all those sluts doing devious things in his porn videos, instead of enjoying a normal, harmonious sex life with me, a normal woman loving him. I decided to tell about his scandalous habits to his parents. They were shocked. His father talked to him, telling him off, saying to him he's lose me if he went on with it. It was a critical time. For a couple of days we were like two ghosts living under the same roof, he hardly talked to each other (he is a very introvert, silent, not really communicative person anyway). This time the 'wonder' lasted longer. After all his promises, I believed him. I REALLY thought he was cured by abstinence (=not watching that crap for a longer while) and that he's doing it for my sake. We got married. I was so hopeful. I thought the past is only a bad dream. But then I discovered he had watched porn and masturbated in my absence again - it took him only a month and a half after our wedding. My trust was seriously breached. I got depressive again, the same ordeal. The communication between us was affected. Making love occurred more and more rarely. His performance poorer, so on and so forth. I am an emotional mess. I entered his life looking like a flower. Now, after less than 2 yrs living with him, I look 10 years older, tired, sad, I put on weight because I found the 'refuge' from stress in eating, my general health deteriorated. I only talked to my parents about it. They both, but especially my father, were so angry and disgusted when found out about his sick deviation! They would rather see me leaving him. I don't know why, I still love him. After every argument and row, when things cooled, he said he loved me. But to me, this nightmarish relationship seems to fade and die every day, I am so so unhappy, feel so humiliated, lied in my face, fooled.

I think you should be worried. Instead of fretting about it you sat him down and told him how you feel, which is always the best idea. The fact that he blamed the state of the house - which according to you is immaculate - for his little habit shows just how immature he is being. He's probably had this excuse ready for ages and was just waiting to use it!
If he was simply looking at porn i.e. magazines, films, pictures on the net, etc then I'd tell you to clip him round the ear and let him know that you'd much prefer him to be ogling you than some strange girl! But he's actually on a dating site which means he might be thinking about acting on his urges. Turn off the TV, sit him down and have one last word with him. Don't let him give you any 'the house isn't tidy' excuses, ask him once and for all why he prefers to talk to other women rather than his own partner. Be strong and keep focused (he might try to distract you or fob you off) and if he doesn't give a satisfactory answer then tell him you need a break. If neither of you can move out for a few weeks then move to another room and cut all contact with him - let him cook, clean and do his own laundry and on no account sleep with him! He'll either realise what he could be losing and do something about it or you'll realise you need to drop him altogether. It may sound harsh but it could be the boot up the backside he needs. Take care :)

I honestly think you both may need an unbiased, trained, third party to show you how to resolve your issues, to the benefit of you both. There is no communications, nor have either of your actions, produced any positive results, and shaming him into compliance, by bringing family in, is a big deal breaker. You both have issues, that need to be addressed. Get some help, whether you stay together, or not.

There is much truth in quotes we hear through the years. Some quotes entertain but are forgotten. The following quote has been one that has stayed with me and I have found it to be true.

"WHAT YOU TOLERATE NOW WILL BE WHAT DESTROYS YOU LATER"
... Author Unknown