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    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Jan 15, 2008, 11:42 AM
    Is porn worng?
    :confused:

    I have a question, my husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times. AND he user name is hornysailorman. I mean come on... you see my user name I mean damn that is my user name for everything.

    A little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2005.

    I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore.

    Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
    This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

    SHOULD I BE WORRIED??
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #2

    Jan 15, 2008, 11:49 AM
    Um... yeah.

    Not communicating with you and 3 hours every night of porn is a problem. Sounds like he's addicted, really.

    You may want to confront him, and see if he will go to marriage counseling with you, because you're probably going to need it.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #3

    Jan 15, 2008, 11:59 AM
    I second that.

    He's just going through the motions.

    No communication kills relationships.

    Porn.. well that's up to the couple and how they interpret it... some couples report it helps their sex life, some couples believe it can destroy a marriage, but you aren't doing this as a couple.

    So the big concern is he isn't engaged in this relationship. Porn is just the outlet he's using to fill whatever gap there is.

    Time to have a serious talk.
    jrebel7's Avatar
    jrebel7 Posts: 1,255, Reputation: 251
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    #4

    Jan 15, 2008, 01:22 PM
    I refer you to the first sentence of your post. Anything that takes a spouse away from the other spouse, (ex: 3 hours after working) especially after being away from them for a 10 hour day is wrong unless it would be the care of a sick child, etc. Even if a child is chronially ill, a couple still needs to arrange time to be spent together for closeness and loving, and renewing their love.

    I would be very worried about the lack of communication between the two of you. At the ages you are, both of you should be fulfilling each other's desires with each other, bonding, becoming closer in body and soul.

    My personal belief is that porn is wrong.

    Anything that takes time away from those you love by such large blocks of time would concern me, whether it be sports, porn, alcohol, gambling, daydreaming, reading for hours at a time, shopping, and the list could go on forever. Anything that controls your time rather than you controlling your own time is of great concern in not only a marriage but just for the individuals mental and emotional state of well-being.

    He should not shut you out or look at porn because of your weight but if that is a concern for you, then I would encourage you to begin an exercise program, better food choices, etc. BUT, do this for yourself, not to keep him interested in sex with you. If he is hooked on porn, it probably won't make much difference if you are slim or overweight. This seems to be more about his self-gratification and not about your marriage.

    I wish you the best. I would just encourage you to address these issues with him and express your concerns and your emotions it is putting you through. He is your husband and needs to know your needs. Maybe by sharing your concerns with him, it might make him more aware of your need to have time with him. Perhaps he will then share what he is needing from you to make him a better husband to you. Just communicate.

    EDIT: I started this post then got pulled away. I should have checked to see if other's had posted. They addressed the same issues but maybe seeing this many voice some of the same concerns will help you also. Best to you!
    peggyhill's Avatar
    peggyhill Posts: 907, Reputation: 150
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    #5

    Jan 15, 2008, 01:40 PM
    As to whether porn is wrong, personally, I'm believe it is, but that is because of my religious beliefs. But what I can tell you is that him spending 3 hours a night looking at it definitely is! It sounds like he has an addiction! Also, not even attempting to spend time with you is also wrong.

    I would be worried about the dating sites. It sounds like maybe it started with a fantasy, and now he is taking it to the next level by going to the dating sites. To me, it sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral.

    You say he refuses to change, refuses to talk to you, and claims if you cleaned more he would talk to you. Honey, this guy has no idea how to respect a woman! You are a valuable, beautiful, intelligent human being, and this guy isn't treating you that way. He goes to work, comes home and trashes the house, then spends three hours on line looking at naked woman and now he's trying to meet them? And then he has the nerve to blame it on you!? That make me so mad! What a jerk!!

    You said you didn't have the money to go to counseling. Have you considered finding a local minster or religious leader of your choice that would sit down and talk to you? (no offense, if you aren't a religious person) If you explain to the minister that you and your husband are having some problems and need help with your marriage, then I'm sure he/she would be happy to help. At least, the minister at my church always is. It might be worth giving it a shot, since it's free.

    Ultimately, you have to do what will make you happy. Give it some time, keep encouraging him to seek help, keep trying for a while. But, if time goes by and this guy doesn't change, don't feel bad if you leave him. You are young and have your whole life ahead. Don't waste time with a guy who doesn't care how you feel.

    Good luck, and I'm always on here if you ever need someone to talk to. Just send me a message or make a post. Just remember that you are a wonderful person, and don't let this guy drag your self-esteem down.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #6

    Jan 15, 2008, 02:13 PM
    You wrote: " this is is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old."

    How long have you been married? Is he still under warranty? If not, marriage counseling/therapy is a must. Sounds as though he has no conscience; therefore, he could be an adict.
    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    Jan 16, 2008, 04:59 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by George_1950
    You wrote: " this is is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. it is like being married to a 3 year old."

    How long have you been married? Is he still under warranty? If not, marriage counseling/therapy is a must. Sounds as though he has no conscience; therefore, he could be an adict.

    We got married April 5th 2007. We are not even on our 1 year mark yet.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #8

    Jan 16, 2008, 02:31 PM
    You may be suffering 'new-relationship syndrome'; I hope you will find marriage/relationship counseling helpful because I can appreciate that your husband is disappointing you a great deal.
    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #9

    Jan 16, 2008, 03:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by George_1950
    You may be suffering 'new-relationship syndrome'; I hope you will find marriage/relationship counseling helpful because I can appreciate that your husband is disappointing you a great deal.

    I have been depressed for about 3 weeks now. Disappointing is not even the tip of the ice burge
    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #10

    Jan 17, 2008, 09:51 AM
    Is porn cheating?
    This one might sound the same as another one, but I didn't get the answer I was looking for. So I thought that I would try again. Please help, any answer will help no matter how big or how stupied it may sound.

    My husband lovesss his porn, he works 10 hours a day then he comes home eats dinner barely talks to me then heads back to the computer room for 3 HOURS... then I found that he is going onto these sex dating sights, should I be worried? Or is this just another way for him to get off. The thing that really bothers me is that I seen his page on this dating sight, and it says that he is separated and that he is looking for a bad good for some good times or somrthing like that. AND he user name is hornysailorman. I mean come on... and we only have sex once a month, is that normal??

    A little info about us, we got married April 5 2007, I'm 21 he is 23, I'm a little over 300lbs and he is like 220. He is 6'3 and I'm 5'10. We met online on eharmaney around march2006.

    I am worried that it is my wight, and that he married me because he loves me for the girl that is inside, and that is grate but I'm worried that he does not find me sexy anymore. What can I do about that.

    Some of my friends say that I should talk to him... well I have, more times then I can count. I have told him how it hurts me and how it makes me sick. But he still does it. He says that is looking something up for work and that he needs the door closed because it is to cold with it open, and to stay warm he has to close it. BS. He will be in there for about an hour and I will find something to put away that has to go into the back room and every time I knock on the door and he yells back " hold on.... rusel, zip, a click click form the computer, and then a come on in". And when I walk in the computer screen is back to the main screen. What would you think?? What wound be going on in your head?

    We talk at night before we go to bed, that is where I feel like it is eazer to talk to him, and he said that he loves me and doesn't want a devorce,(witch he as thretened me a few times if I don't start picking up the house more) and that he is sorry that he is spending all that time back there. He said yesterday that he is done with the work crap that he has to do, soooo we will see how much time he spends back there now. And another thing, he sciped luch today, he always comes home for lunch. But I love him and trust him that he says he is working.

    We can't go to conseling because we don't make that kind of money. The thing is I am the one talking, he just sitts there just looking at he TV. Saying that maybe if I picked up the house a little more then he might want to hang out in the living room more.
    This it is spotless when he gets home, but when he gets home he is the one that makes it into a pig stiy. It is like being married to a 3 year old.

    SHOULD I BE WORRIED??
    RickJ's Avatar
    RickJ Posts: 7,762, Reputation: 864
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    #11

    Jan 17, 2008, 10:06 AM
    Moderator note: Please do not post the same question twice.
    Momma to three's Avatar
    Momma to three Posts: 53, Reputation: 14
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    #12

    Jan 17, 2008, 03:37 PM
    Sounds like he has an addiction, and he needs help for that. He's already left the relationship emotionally, in my opinion. And with that profile on the dating site, it might even be MORE than emotionally.

    My husband and I don't believe that porn is necessary in a marriage, so if I were to find him spending that much time on a computer, hidden away from me, with a dating profile, I would consider that a form of cheating. I would confront him about it, and I would find SOME sort of counseling for us as soon as possible.
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #13

    Jan 17, 2008, 03:44 PM
    For some reason or other, I don't recommend confrontations, but I do recommend you getting help from a relationship/marriage counselor, whether from a school or church or county services. You want someone who is competent in the field as well.
    ayashe's Avatar
    ayashe Posts: 81, Reputation: 9
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    #14

    Jan 17, 2008, 08:05 PM
    You have a very serious problem. It's not that your husband likes porn, it's that he is only having sexual gratification with porn. He fell in love with you the way you are, but men are usually ( I am not saying ALL men so don't jump me) very visual creatures. Put on something sexy? Ask him if you can watch him, or be with him while he is watching porn, and maybe sexually please him? Just a suggestion, it may or may not work for you. Communication is the biggest missing factor here, you are both young, and maybe afraid to verbally discuss certain subjects. I wish you ALL the luck, but it's time to speak to him!
    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
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    #15

    Jan 18, 2008, 08:50 AM
    He and I talk alitttle. We do it at night when we are in bed and that way I feel at eas. We have talked the other night he says that he loves me more then anything, and that he things that in still sexy, whe he gets home he wants to do so many things that he can't do. Like spend time with me, email his buddys, and watch TV. But he can't because of the hours that he is pulling, and a few things have to suffer. And he doesn't mean to hurt me but he thought I wound understand. And I told him again that what he has been doing hurts.

    I asked him what happened to the man that I married, we spent a lot of time together, watching TV together, going on car rides, going out to dinner, (witch was nurmaly fastfood but we were together), and that back then you tuched me. I told him that he does not even tuck me anymore, besides when he leaves to go to work, he gives me a peck on the cheak. All he could say was sorry, and that he didn't realies what he was doing to me and that he is really sorry. He said that he loved me, I said love you too and we when to bed.

    So...
    George_1950's Avatar
    George_1950 Posts: 3,099, Reputation: 236
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    #16

    Jan 18, 2008, 08:52 AM
    Sounds like you made some progress! What do you think? Is this something to build on?
    BROCKSGIRL86's Avatar
    BROCKSGIRL86 Posts: 30, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #17

    Jan 18, 2008, 09:34 AM
    We are going to work on it. But we both love each other and that I know to be true. :)
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
    Printers & Electronics Expert
     
    #18

    Jan 20, 2008, 10:41 AM
    Personally, and I do mean personally Porn is worse than wrong.

    It portrays women as nothing more that lusting babes that will do anything just to get a male to penetrate themselves in any one opening large enough to accommodate the size of the telephone pole of a penis. Not to mention, that for the next 20 minutes or so, this guy and gal will go at it solid and absolutely no ejaculation from the male for hours or as long as it takes to get the scene shot.

    Ladies, when was the last time you went to the store or pulled into your driveway in absolute heat, get inside, get naked find your husband in bed with two other women and decided, what the devil, I'm joining in.

    Yet when you watch this trash, that's what you see and condition yourself to.

    Personally, I would much rather have my way with my lady, if I can get healthy enough again, in real time in real life. Its no fun for me to want to touch a TV screen when I can hold and make love to a real air breathing lady.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #19

    Jan 21, 2008, 12:00 PM
    Ayashe,

    Sorry to disagree. Porn is not set up for anything nobler than making money from people who shy away from real relationships. There is no moral or immoral reason other then to make money.

    Actress's are a dime a dozen lined up to do this for a reason that is unfathomable to me.

    Please, I understand. I don't like to see women degraded even if they want to be. But what is the point of showing porn on a TV or Screen that cannot be felt and touuched like a realperson.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #20

    Jan 21, 2008, 12:11 PM
    The point?

    The point is that some people are visually stimulated.

    I humbly submit that most people who watch porn are aware that they they're watching a make-believe movie, and can tell the difference between a movie and real life.

    I mean, people who like Bruce Willis movies don't go out and blow stuff up to save their city every couple months, do they?

    And really--why is it always the WOMEN who are considered to be degraded in porn? Heck, the women are the ones that end up with marketing lines in sex toys! They make money even when they're NOT performing! Name one MAN that has done that! And really--when was the last time a MAN was treated realistically in porn, either?

    If you don't like porn, and it does nothing for you--GREAT! Don't watch it! I don't watch action movies for the same reason--I can't suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy the movie. But--like EVERYTHING else in life--porn is fine in moderation. I can't say it does much for me, personally, but it's a nice tool that the hubby and I use together. We've ALSO used "The Joy of Sex" books, romance coupons, naughty dice, handcuffs, blindfolds, sex toys, and erotic literature to spice things up---are all of THOSE things bad too?

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