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-   -   One night stand -confess or live with guilt? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/one-night-stand-confess-live-guilt-680311.html)

  • Jul 8, 2012, 01:55 PM
    Bradley007
    One night stand -confess or live with guilt?
    Howdy,

    I have been married less than a 2 years ago and things haven't been going well in terms of us getting along. I felt she was getting more and more distant. One morning I felt the need to check her cell phone while she was in the shower and to my amazement she has been texting her ex-boyfriend sexual things along with her saying how much she missed him. My heart dropped and confronted her. I forgave her if she promised to cut all ties with him. I am a very forgiving person.

    As time went on things did not get better as we still seemed to argue about everything, she decided to move out with her friend Jenny (who I trust) as a trial of separation a few cities away.

    I was left home, very upset , lonely and wasn't sure what to think. Well one night after heavy drinking I met someone out and (not a stranger- someone I have known for quit sometime) later that night we had a one night stand. To me, maybe I was filling voids of feeling loved and wanted (still no excuse). I have no feelings for this person and don't want to be in contact with her.

    The next day we both deeply regretted our actions (we are both std free) and I know I won't be able to forgive myself. Weeks later me and my wife have been slowly talking and seeing each other. We have been making love here and there and things seem to be looking up. But the guilt is eating me up:( I blame myself and it's hard to move on. Am I doing the right thing by not telling her? Because she would divorce me the second she found out. There's no way she could find out. I truly do love her and want us to build a great future together. Thanks -brad
  • Jul 8, 2012, 03:11 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Bradley007 View Post
    Howdy,

    I have been married less than a 2 years ago and things haven't been going well in terms of us getting along. I felt she was getting more and more distant. One morning I felt the need to check her cell phone while she was in the shower and to my amazement she has been texting her ex-boyfriend sexual things along with her saying how much she missed him. My heart dropped and confronted her. I forgave her if she promised to cut all ties with him. I am a very forgiving person.

    As time went on things did not get better as we still seemed to argue about everything, she decided to move out with her friend Jenny (who I trust) as a trial of separation a few cities away.

    I was left home, very upset , lonely and wasn't sure what to think. Well one night after heavy drinking I met someone out and (not a stranger- someone I have known for quit sometime) later that night we had a one night stand. To me, maybe I was filling voids of feeling loved and wanted (still no excuse). I have no feelings for this person and don't want to be in contact with her.

    The next day we both deeply regretted our actions (we are both std free) and I know I won't be able to forgive myself. Weeks later me and my wife have been slowly talking and seeing each other. We have been making love here and there and things seem to be looking up. But the guilt is eating me up:( I blame myself and it's hard to move on. Am I doing the right thing by not telling her? because she would divorce me the second she found out. There's no way she could find out. I truly do love her and want us to build a great future together. Thanks -brad

    Good that you and the one night stand have been tested recently - STDs can be dormant for years.

    You seem to be excusing yourself - you drank too much, you knew the woman before and so forth.

    How badly do you want to hurt your wife? That's what it boils down to. You either lie with the guilt or she lives with the knowledge that when the going got rough you found another woman.

    If you are going to confess to make yourself feel better it will be at the expense of her self esteem.

    Only you know if it's worth it.

    What happens the next time you have an argument? She texts her "ex," you check her cellphone, you have a "one night stand"?
  • Jul 10, 2012, 12:08 AM
    Jake2008
    I'm not so sure about this.

    You've been married less than two years, and during that time she's sexually explicit with her ex boyfriend via text (apparently).

    She moves out for a trial separation instead of working on this new marriage.

    Do you really think she hasn't seen her ex?

    You have a drunken one night stand.

    I think you both need to sit down and tell the truth to each other. Neither of you seem to be much interested in marriage. It sounds more like boyfriend/girlfriend drama to me.
  • Jul 10, 2012, 12:24 AM
    joypulv
    You had separated. In fact, she was the one who moved out. She never revealed her contact with her ex to you, and you have no idea what she was doing with him. Confessing to her now isn't the solution to anything, not even your guilt over it. Your marriage has much bigger problems than her sexually explicit messages and your drunken one night stand. Find out what they are and if they are solvable before any of this.
  • Jul 10, 2012, 01:10 AM
    Tatla
    I think only you can have the best solution. Sex is not the only issue in man-woman relatinship. There are many. Look into others. Moreover, sit down and talk with each other calmly. Try to sort out all the problems, you have. Is it going to be a matrimonial relationship, I mean a long-lastiing physical contact or what? Just be clear to each othre an also clarify here, if you want precise and perfect advice. Hope you get it.

    We can only wish that your relationship turns the way u want!
  • Jul 15, 2012, 07:53 AM
    reidsmomma
    Live with the guilt if you are sure she will never find out. Be way nicer to her now. Hold your cheating over your own head, I guarantee she is holding her secrets back too. Confessing is just a way for you to ease your own pain by handing it over to her, and that's mean. I truly believe ignorance is bliss. Don't feel tooo guilty you bet your bottom dollar that your separation was an experiment in Single life. She moved in with her best friend into another city...
  • Jul 15, 2012, 08:01 AM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by reidsmomma View Post
    live with the guilt if you are sure she will never find out. Be way nicer to her now. Hold your cheating over your own head, I guarantee she is holding her secrets back too. Confessing is just a way for you to ease your own pain by handing it over to her, and that's mean. I truly believe ignorance is bliss. Don't feel tooo guilty you bet your bottom dollar that your separation was an experiment in Single life. She moved in with her best friend into another city....


    Why are you so sure that his girlfriend had a one-night stand, cheated on him and the marriage?

    I agree that confessing works for him, not for her, but I'm puzzled by the theory that she also cheated. Where are you reading that?

    Or do you think everyone cheats?

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