Shaul I be OK with my wife of 10 years have male friends.when she has never had any before. :confused:

I am not clear about your ques fren...

Chubbs,

It depends on what kind of friends they are. How has she met them? Online, through work, through mutual friends?

How often does she talk to them? Does she try to hide these friendships from you? Do you trust her?

There are many marriages that go fine with both spouses having friends of the opposite sex. However some men and women feel too insecure and untrusting when their spouse has these friends. It really depends on how much you trust you wife, and how much she shares with you.

I would be wary if she gets really defensive about them, and doesn't want to talk about them or have you meet them. But if she just talks to them every once in a while, and has nothing to hide from you, I believe it is perfectly natural.

I personally will never give up having guy friends, and I could never marry someone who couldn't accept that. However I have always had guy friends and you mention she has never had male friends, so this is new to your marriage.

Have you talked to her about it? What does she say?

My wife is a musician, and very active in "movements" to save this or that.
In that she has friends some male who she may see on a professional level or in groups.

It is not a dating or going to the bar and hang out with them. So we all have friends, or should have, and there may be male or female. It is the interaction level that is the issues

I have many male friends. However, I have never cheated on my husband. Some women just get along better with men then women. I do go to the bar and hang out with them, sometimes with my husband, sometimes just me. My husband trusts me to not do anything to hurt him or our marriage.

Many times when I read questions like this it makes me wonder about the level of trust in a relationship. Do you trust her to be friends with men? Has she given you any reason not to trust her?

I've generally never thought it proper for a married person to have friends of the opposite gender (unless it is couples being mutual friends with each other as a foursome.) I would not be comfortable with my wife having male friends and I know for a fact that she wouldn't like me having female friends.

I certainly don't agree with married people going to clubs and bars alone and visiting any friends of the other sex.

Married people have a responiblity to each other and going out to party without the other is not one of them

Fr. Chuck,

While I respect your opinion I have to say I disagree to a point. Married couples can be completely devoted to one another without being with each other every minute of the day. In fact having a little me time is not a bad thing. My husband is on a weekly bowling league with his friends, and then in the summer he is on a golf league. Both are coed. Do I worry that he is talking to another woman? Nope, I trust him, love him, and respect him enough to know that he would never do anything to hurt me. Do I mind that he goes out without me? Certainly not. In fact when I was in school getting my Master's degree I loved that he went out on Thursdays. It gave me a chance to do school work in a quiet house, not worrying about dinner, laundry, or the fact that I was not conversing with him. And quite honestly it allowed me to have more free time for my husband on the weekends.

As for myself going out. I do not every week like my husband, (not that he would care if I did). My best friend is male and we have been best friends since grade school. We often go out and have one on one time to discuss things. His wife does not mind and neither does my husband. To be quite honest his wife has become one of my closest friends. Do I sometimes go out with the gals to a local bar? Heck yeah, we take country line dancing lessons together, it is done at a bar and yes there are men there. Do I talk to them, sure, have I ever thought about cheating. NEVER.

I believe that men and women do need their time apart so that they don't lose sight of who they are in their marriage. Many people tend to lose themselves in their relationships, forgetting about their friends, their family, what they like to do. I think that it is important that we do not do that. Our friends, family, and hobbies are all part of the reasons that my husband and I fell in love with each other.

The most important thing a couple married, or not, has to do is communicate with each other. It is important to talk and establish boundaries that you both must live by. It is unhealthy for any couple to restrict one another from having the freedom to do the things in life they enjoy. But there is nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex. As long as the boundaries are not crossed, and there is trust, why not? If there is not then, Communicate and work it out, because every couple is different and responsible to themselves to make the rules of the relationship. One size does NOT fit all. I've been marrid 33 years and have never worried about my wife's male friends, as I know them all, and vice versa, and as for going out, I trust my woman with out reservation what so ever... and vice versa.

I think she should include you w her new friends... its natural to meet new people... but its also natural to say... hey I'm married... and by the way.. you would love my husband... lets all hang out... dinner... play pool... The proper and respectful thing to do... she should be a little more sensitive and try harder to make you feel that your #1 :)

I am a platonic friend to two different married women and I go out with these two separate married women to movies, and dinners, just us... because their husbands are too busy, and their husbands trust me. Now these two female friends of mine don't like one another, so I go out with them separately.

I am sort of asexual towards women, yet I am not gay either. I just don't have the sexual urges that most men have, and I've been told that women like to go out with a male friend who does not want sex of any kind. Maybe there are different opinions on this, but I think it is OK for married women to go out with platonic male friends with or without the husband.

Anyway, I interact with these two different women quite often... just us alone together going to dinners and to movies, whatever they want to do.

I think if I were married, I probably would trust my wife enough to think it's OK that she has platonic male friends to go out with, if I were too busy, for example. But I know some husbands are not trusting, but that's OK I guess.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't feel like it's wrong, since their husbands don't seem to care, and my two friends enjoy my company.

What do y'all think about this? I am curious.

I have many male friends that I hang out with without having my husband right with me. He trusts me and I trust him. If I thought he would cheat on me, I would not have married him, because a soild relationship is based on trusting one another. Without trust and communication a relationship will never work.

Darn it, Tuscany... I have to spread the love

You are RIGHT ON! My best friend (aside from my husband, obviously) is a guy. I hang out with him, talk to him daily in IMs and emails, and basically tell him anything I'd tell one of my female friends.

If my husband asked me to give up this friendship... well, it would be a hell of a fight. I love my husband, and would do anything to make him happy, but I also love ME, and like making ME happy, and that includes having friends. Maybe it's unfortunate that I found someone I like and have fun with and can talk about the "girl" stuff with (no, he's not gay) that happens to be of the opposite gender, but I really like getting his perspective on stuff.

Is suddenly having friends (of EITHER gender) that you don't share with your spouse a bad thing? It could be.

Is not trusting your spouse to make decisions regarding your marriage a worse thing? Absolutely.

Tuscany:

I agree with you about trust. My dad had no problem with my mother having male friends. (My mom just passed away, by the way. She had alzhiemer's)

I don't know for certain that the two married women I go out with alone tell their husbands when we have a date. I figure that is their responsibility. I have never even thought about being romantically involved with the married women I go out with, because I respect them and their marriages. But we go out on dinner dates and to movies even.

I do need to meet some single women though, because if all I do is go out with married women, I'll never meet the right woman. One curious thing is that on a local radio show here in Bimingham, they were discussing married women going out alone with platonic male friends, and guess what?

The vast majority of male radio callers had problems with their wives going out with male friends, but the vast majority of female callers thought it is OK to go out with male friends without their husbands. The male callers said they have no problem with a lunch date, but they do have problems with dinner and movie dates.

Mark

You know what the problem is?

Women find out in high school that with the exception of a select few good friends--other women are catty and backstabbing. Plus, they're competition!

I can't handle the drama of having female friends. I have probably 5 female friends, and the rest of my friends are guys. Women drive me up the damned wall! And now that I'm in my 30s, I swear that all other women talk about is their kids! I don't have kids! I don't care about some stranger's kids--that's NOT going to make me want to hang out with them and develop a closer relationship with them.

So... I hang out with guys. I don't have the stress, the drama, the headaches, or the "I can't go out this Friday because my husband won't watch the kids so we can go see a movie, and by the way, can we go see the new chick flick that looks utterly boring?" sorts of moments.

Guys don't like it because they're afraid that their poor, weak-willed women won't have a clue that the guys they are hanging out with are just trying to get into their pants (puh-leeze) or they're afraid that some other guy is going to treat their woman better (which is actually sometimes pretty likely, as people start taking their partners for granted).

Would I stay overnight with one of my guy friends? Absolutely not.
Would I go to a movie or dinner with them? You're darned right I would. If my husband doesn't like it, he can start going to movies that he doesn't want to see with me, because I'm still going to the movie, and I'll take along any friend that wants to go, male OR female.

Synnen:

One more thing. One of my male friends who knows one of the married women I go out with said he thinks it is a strange thing to do and he wouldn't let his wife do it. And there are married women here at work who flirt with me. I'm not a marriage expert, but from what I've seen and heard since I've been doing this. It seems more acceptable among the women who want platonic friends, and it's the men who seem to have problems with it.

On the other hand, part of it may be that I live in The Deep South, and some people frown upon married women going out with single men. But I have no intention of not interacting with my married female friends. We have a good time and they really look forward to going out. We email all the time too. If I ever get married, I would hope my wife would accept me going out with my female friends. I would certainly have no problem with a wife going out with male friends. It's an interesting topic.

Mark

Synnen:

I agree completely. I do treat my married female friends as a Gentleman should. It doesn't cross my mind to try and have sex. Not every heterosexual guy dwells on sex. I should know... I am a heterosexual guy and it would shock me if one of the married women I go out with tried to have sex. We have a great time. But I know some husbands who become totally un-glued and go into high orbit if their wives even get a phone call from a single guy. I gave a gift to some guy's wife and from the look in his eyes, you would have thought I had just committed a crime. Oh well.

Mark

Synn,
I have to spread the love too before I can share with you again. But you are 100% right. I find the same thing with some women. They are back stabbing, catty people who thrive on the drama that they create. AND someone always has to be the odd man out the one that everyone "hates" for the moment. Now I am not saying all women are like that... but there are quite a few. I too would rather hang out with the guys then go out with the gals. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. I am too busy with my life to create it or worry about it.

All about trust.

My wife works in a male dominated manufacturing industry, and she's in a job that predominantly "male"... so she HAS to be able to go out for drinks or dinners with men. Period.

Has she been hit on. Oh yeah. Two weeks ago a married guy she works with from time to time pretty much was trying to talk her into "not going home yet"... too bad for him. She had me pick her up. She also likes to flirt a bit. OK. She's attractive and who doesn't like a little attention?

I consider myself a jealous man with a hell of a temper. How do I have a great relationship? Well... I really trust her... and my trust for her is just big enough that it keeps me from going nuts or being pi$$y. now... if she were to cheat, all hell would break loose. I'm not very good at forgiving and forgetting when it comes to infidelity.

Should a woman have male friends? I think it can be fine. But both sides need to be respectful of the relationship.

My wife used to be fine when id go out with some friends... some men and some women. The guys would drink and smoke cigars and tell lies and id go dance with the women... and of course smoke, drink and tell lies too. The guys were happy cause the girls were happy and I had fun. Sometimes my wife came along, sometimes she didn't.

She has her own mixed group of people she might go out with... sometimes a group, or it might be dinner and conversation with a single person, guy or girl.

If you are nervous about it you need to understand why. Are there reasons not to trust her? Is she unwilling to let you meet her friends or for you to go with them sometime? Do you think its happening too often, taking energy away from your relationship? Do you have friends that you spend time with at all, or are you feeling left behind?

So... just not enough to know your situation. I believe a person who wants to cheat will... and if they have half a brain they can do it without getting caught. So it comes down to trust.

I'm a jealous man who doesn't tolerate cheating... but I really, really think my wife loves being married and is strong enough to push the men away when she has to. I can't be there on every trip out of town, every dinner gathering, or every lets-take-the-vendors-out-for-drinks night. And a few of these business contacts I would call casual friends... guys wholl call her up when they are at the bar watching a game, from time to time.

Doesn't happen often, but it happens.

I agree again. It is about trust. Because of my strict upbringing, when married women began asking me out, I thought it was strange, but soon I realized that a dating/platonic relationship doesn't have to mean sex. Now, I am comfortable with going out with married women and they seem to appreciate having someone to listen to them. Sometimes, I hear from women that their husbands don't listen to them. Maybe they go out with me, because I do listen to them, and they know I don't repeat anything they tell me.

I have sense and respect enough to know that if a husband is jealous, it is not wise for me to "go out" with his wife. But I am beginning to learn from my female friends that not only is it about trust, but it's about having someone to listen to them. My female friends tell me too that they relate better to men than to women because women can be catty and petty (but not all women). Anyway... that's how I see it. Like I said, I am a normal heterosexual male, but as God is my witness, I have never and would never think of "hitting on" one of the married women I go out with. I'm not a home-wrecker.

But I wonder... Are my female friends right that sometimes husbands don't listen to wives and maybe that's why they spend so much time with guys like me?

Mark