My question is simple, can a control freak let go of the control?

I've been married for 5 months to a belitting control freak. I'm seldom allowed time to see my own friends, and when I go out in public she has to come with me. When she does let me go out, I get the following as an example.

Two weeks ago while watching the Giants game on TV, my wife (who was out with her friends) became aggitated that I did not leave immediately after the game was over and come home. Granted it was a Sunday night game and it didn't end till 10:15, but I have a history of canceling on him last minute due to temper tantrums on her part. Being told I didn't love her, we don't spend enough time together, etc. until I cave and cancel.

By the time I got home (around 11) I was told that I was more interested in spending time with my "boyfriend" than her. Shortly after she called me an @$$hole, said I was useless, and locked herself in the bathroom. I explained that my friend's 1 year old son was undergoing surgery the next day and we spent some time after the game talking about it. Even if it's a routine surgery, it's still his kid you know? Her response was, "well that's his problem, not yours."

When these sort of incedents come up, I usually cave to be the peacemaker, but I'm tired of it. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I don't drink, smoke, cheat, do drugs or any of the nasty stuff that I could be doing. I'd like the relationship to work, but I can't live the next 50 years of my life with this. Anyone else in (or was in) the same boat? Thanks! :)

I'm not sure "control freak" is the only description for her. She sounds very insecure and manipulative. A control freak would insist on folding the towels a certain way, having dinner at the same time, etc. While your wife wants to have her own friends, she doesn't want you to have the same.

You can live 50 years folding towels the way she wants but reacting like a child when you hang out with friends will get old fast. I think its time to sit her down over dinner to talk about this. Let her know what you said here... your time with friends does NOT reflect your feelings toward her. Explain that as a couple, you need her to discuss her concerns/fears with you in a calm, rational way... that fighting and threats do not work for you.

She won't get over this alone. You'll need to be patient and understanding because this isn't an easy fix. You may also want to consider couples counseling to help find ways to better communicate with each other.

Good luck~

She will only get worse - much worse if you can imagine that. There is no cure for this kind of behavior. Your only option is to leave if you cannot stand it any longer or you will develop health issues like ulcers, high blood pressure or worse.

You sound like a wonderful guy who deserves much better than this person. Sorry to say that, but I feel that after only 5 months of taking her abuse no matter how much counseling she could go through - she will not change. You may love her but obviously you can't stand her. She is highly neurotic and insecure to act in this way. Are you ready to put your own life aside to cater to her perpetually? It's up to you what you wish to do at this point.

Just me, stand your ground, and let her be mad. When the emotional dust settles, you can talk, but never during those emotional flare ups. A counselor can guide you through the process, of knowing how to fight in a relationship. You will learn though.

Hey man! I can relate to your problem... the difference is... I was your wife :)

I would say she is probably dealing with some anxiety and depression issues herself... what they stem from I can only speculate, but I would definitely try to hook-up with a marriage counselor.

The problem is that for some reason she doesn't trust you and she doesn't know how to convey that in a dialogue. This is where a professional will help. It doesn't matter how much she loves you, or even if you have never given her a reason to worry... it is just a panicky feeling she gets.

I know it sounds stupid to "normal" people, or people who have never experienced it, but it is honest to god an incompacitating feeling and can lead to anxiety attacks and more. You won't be able to get through it without help though.

The bright side is that she can change, but only if she is willing to. She probably doesn't even realize she is being unrealistic. Having a mediator help you two talk without it turning into a tantrum will help a lot. You just need to find a nuetral person to help moderate.

I bet you will be surprised how fast she catches on to what she is doing and sees how crazy her thoughts and actions are. But just be understanding and try not to accuse or get bent out of shape, because honestly she probably has no cognitive control over what she is doing or how she is reacting!

Hope I helped!

I would agree that your boat's taking on water fast. Does she do good things for you? My guess is, if she's that jealous of a friend, she will be more jealous of a child or children. Here is a humorous video on jealousy: I think my wife is irrationally jealous of everyone I know; family, friends, coworkers, even our grandchildren. What are the signs that someone is too jealous? (2:08)

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

She will only get worse - much worse if you can imagine that. There is no cure for this kind of behavior. Your only option is to leave if you cannot stand it any longer or you will develop health issues like ulcers, high blood pressure or worse.

You sound like a wonderful guy who deserves much better than this person. Sorry to say that, but I feel that after only 5 months of taking her abuse no matter how much counseling she could go through - she will not change. You may love her but obviously you can't stand her. She is highly neurotic and insecure to act in this way. Are you ready to put your own life aside to cater to her perpetually? It's up to you what you wish to do at this point.

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What are you basing this off? Unless you are a lic. Psychologist with a clear and concise diagnosis of what is wrong with her you cannot say she will not ever get better and will only get worse. POSTS LIKE YOUR PISS ME OFF TO NO END! They have been married for 5 months and the first trouble they have you are telling him to ditch her! OH HOW GREAT YOUR LIFE MUST BE ALWAYS RUNNING FROM PROBLEMS!

This is my opinion of the matter at hand. I told him it was up to you what you wish to do at this point.

Weddy you need to re-read the site posting rules and stop attacking other members for their opinions. I don't like most of your opinions, but I don't attack you like a pit bull.

Aaarrrg! Wewed is the first person I have ever heard admit that he had this issue. The viewpoint he presented is that the troublesome wife doesn't realize how her behavior is affecting her husband. That would be awesome, if she really did not know and chose to change upon finding out. While that may happen, people usually do not change.

Counselling would really help. But then, I asked my controlling husband to go, and he did, but fired the counsellor to 'show' me how I was the real problem. The man stood in doorways and would not let me leave the room until I expressed agreement with his views (on my knees.) He cut the phone off so that I could not talk to my friends and parked so as to block my car so I could not go anywhere without him. My job was dirt in his eyes and so was I, but my paycheck and the TV remote was his. Yeah, I dumped him. But I did try, for 12 years. He has not changed, yet.

May your story have a happier ending.

Agreed: Every problem in marriage has a solution.

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Originally Posted by rafterguy922

My question is simple, can a control freak let go of the control?

I've been married for 5 months to a belitting control freak. I'm seldom allowed time to see my own friends, and when I go out in public she has to come with me. When she does let me go out, I get the following as an example.

Two weeks ago while watching the Giants game on TV, my wife (who was out with her friends) became aggitated that I did not leave immediately after the game was over and come home. Granted it was a Sunday night game and it didn't end till 10:15, but I have a history of canceling on him last minute due to temper tantrums on her part. Being told I didn't love her, we don't spend enough time together, etc., until I cave and cancel.

By the time I got home (around 11) I was told that I was more interested in spending time with my "boyfriend" than her. Shortly after she called me an @$$hole, said I was useless, and locked herself in the bathroom. I explained that my friend's 1 year old son was undergoing surgery the next day and we spent some time after the game talking about it. Even if it's a routine surgery, it's still his kid you know? Her response was, "well that's his problem, not yours."

When these sort of incedents come up, I usually cave to be the peacemaker, but I'm tired of it. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I don't drink, smoke, cheat, do drugs or any of the nasty stuff that I could be doing. I'd like the relationship to work, but I can't live the next 50 years of my life with this. Anyone else in (or was in) the same boat? Thanks! :)

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Your wife is insecure, and probably depressesd. She is frustated in her mind, and probably hates her behaviour as much as you do. It is a vicious circle that will get worse. I don't doubt she loves you, she loves you very much, she just can't control herself.
It sounds mad but does she eat a healthy diet? And attend a gym. I think you would find exercise and healthy eating would make her personality take a u-turn.
I also think she has abandonment issues. This is tricky. Counselling would help. She is lucky you are understanding. I feel for you. And her.

And I thought mu husband was bad... Apparently he isn't the only one doing what is wrong in the marriage.. He controls my activity time,work,sleep,watching t.v time,everything I do is wrong or something... There are time when I want to juss leave him... But I stay for the kid's sake.. We have an 11yr old dotter... And I tried to leave before x-mas... but all she did was cry for him... When I was trying to pack our things... We ended up staying... He doesn't let me work anymore because he says guys are looking at me For what,I say to him... Why are they staring at me for? Sometimes I think I'm in a prison...

I'm sooo sorry you have do deal with that. I have a very controlling Husband and after 20 years, I'm finally standing up to him... with arguments, no less, but it doesn't bother me as bad, it still bothers me and makes me want to move on, but I do love and have a lot invested in the relationship. But, I'm finally being an adult and making my own decisions, as you should. Every couple should have outside friends, to me, it helps bring newness into the house... I wish my husband would not depend on me being the center of his world. You have to be your own person and experience life without someone holding you back... You've only done this for 5 months, dude. I did it 20 years. Hang in there and be strong... especially if you're just being you and not hurting anyone else, but helping out your friends by being there for them. If she really, really loves u... She'll understand.

I'm in the same boat dude - love my wife to bits, but she is incredibly controlling. For the first year of our marriage, it made me ill - just going out for a drink with friends caused mayhem - I just put up with it and gradually lost my friends because she thought they were taking me away from her and going out for a drink led to days of constant hastle beforehand (I am talking going to the pub once or twice a month here). I started to get high blood pressure and really painful stomach issues because I had never had to deal with this stress before. I needed to do something about it or wind up in the coronary care unit...
I haven't solved the issue yet - but I understand more about her background (she lost someone close to her in an accident) now, and I simply do not put up with the controlling aspect. I challenge her now about her nagging. If she turns the TV over when I am watching something I challenge her about it. If I want to go out for a swim and she has an issue with it, I challenge her. If she freaks out at me for "looking at someone else" I challenge her not to look at other people. It means we have bitter rows, our love-life sucks and she scares the hell out me me sometimes, but I'm starting to draw a line in the sand, I'm taking up a new hobby, trying to make some new friends away from the marriage and I'm encouraging her to pursue her hobbies... It's hard, but things are very slowly improving - she's not always aware of her behaviour (autopilot), so you must communicate in the best way you can and challenge that controlling behaviour - it's dysfunctional, ingrained insecurity and fear and you must believe that if she had married someone else they too would have to cope with it...

I have know girls like this and it only gets worse. She should be thankful that you are not a drunken drug addict and sneaking around with other women. She is a control freak in that she wants to dictate your life to revolve around her. She is self centered, insecure and hasn't got a clue on how a real relationship should work.
You have already been to counseling so NO I would say she will NOT change. She does not see herself as the problem so why should she. She wants what she wants at any cost and eventually when you realize how she is enough it will cost her her marriage.

I think you can do one of these
Stand up to her and tell her you are going with your 'boyfriend' when you want and sorry she married an @$$hole but that is just the way it is
0R
Tell her that she is no longer to have friends or time outside of you if you can't have your time.

Well a lot of us out there are good people. I'm not religious or anything. But I am a good man.. .

A tad modest, a bit much, at times. Hence, why I ended up with a control freak wife who is now pregnant with my child.

And just for the record control freak is a very harsh term. But... seems appropriate for us victims because of the amount of resenment for our parents we tend to bare causes us to think of them in this pent up way.


Let me just say that as good people... some of us. We do not wish to leave our spouse, or fight with our spouse, or cheat on our spouse. Not because we LOVE them. Nope love went out the door years ago. But because we are morally sound, and would not do that to another human being. We are passive people... Hence why we are so easily the victim to these woman or men.

But sadly the only light in our tunnel is the strength to weather the storm and fight... because we have no choice... Put up with you spouses bull and do what you want.. Stand your ground, it is the only way. Be strong. I am strong. And I will stand strong for the next 50 years and bare this burden upon me like a man. Nothing will break me, for I will stare down the wraith of my curse in the face, and say "Sorry honey, I'm gonna play a video game for 30 minutes now that my day is done and I'm tired. I'd like to relax. No I do not want to lie next to you in bed and stare at the ceiling while you read your book."