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-   -   My husband will not stop texting a younger female friend. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/husband-will-not-stop-texting-younger-female-friend-490284.html)

  • Jul 20, 2010, 05:44 PM
    Angelsamongus
    My husband will not stop texting a younger female friend.
    A brief history... my husband and I have been married 20 years. Ten years ago we drifted apart. Life got in the way with two small kids, parents passing away, lots of work stress. He strayed and told me he found someone else. He never acted on that relationship, and I believe he didn't. We managed to save the married and worked things out.

    In March of this year the same story all over again. When I questioned if he found another, it was no, he just didn't want me or our marriage. We just didn't click anymore. I noticed his cell phone was always with him, he would never leaving it laying around. I found online that he was texting a female friend from work that is 20 years younger than he is. Not just one or two texts, but continually all day long. I confronted him and he said she is a just a friend that he can talk to about life.

    Once again we've worked things out but the texting continues. He swears this girl is just a friend, a little sister of sorts. I don't trust her. I have asked and finally told him the texting needed to stop. But it doesn't. It's not several texts anymore but 5-10 every other day or so. Some messages are left on the phone while others are erased. I don't like it. He says it's nothing, just friendship but I wonder.

    He acts loving towards me and all the mushy stuff that goes with that, but I can't let this go. I feel she has her hooks out for my husband. He is 42 but does not act or look like a 42 year old. She is 23. Am I overreacting to this 'relationship'? She told him (in a text I read) that I should meet her and that everything is harmless. I also read a text that said she would stop texting him because she knew it would make me mad. But it just doesn't stop. I feel like a fool but still love this guy. Life shouldn't be this hard!! What are your thoughts/suggestions? Thanks!
  • Jul 20, 2010, 06:02 PM
    Enigma1999

    Hello,

    Bottom line is that NO man or NO woman should be texting any of the opposite sex if they are in a relationship!

    Plain and simple.

    Also the fact that he knows that it bothers you, shows me that he has no regard for your feelings.

    Actions speak louder than words.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 06:11 PM
    Kitkat22

    Tell him to stop acting like a kid and to stop the texting.

    You might also consider telling the young "lady".. to knock it off.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:19 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Hello,

    Bottom line is that NO man or NO woman should be texting any of the opposite sex if they are in a relationship!

    I tend to disagree with that... as I'm in a good relationship, but I text my female friends at times. Granted, I don't text them daily, or consistently, but nowadays, with technology, it's simpler to text a simple, "Hi, how have you been?" than a phone call.

    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    Also the fact that he knows that it bothers you, shows me that he has no regard for your feelings.

    This IS a problem. Had my girlfriend ever approached me and asked about a certain female friend that I texted, and I knew it bothered her, I would taper that off.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:23 PM
    Angelsamongus

    Thank you for your responses. I forgot to mention that in one of the texts, the friend said she wants to find someone who likes her just for her. I can't help but feel that she thinks my husband is that person. Why would a 23 year old be confiding in a man twice her age if she wasn't interested in more than just friendship? It just doesn't add up to me.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:25 PM
    Kitkat22

    Sneezy what if your girlfriend texted another guy continually? Would you feel a little apprehensive?
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:33 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    Sneezy what if your girlfriend texted another guy continually? Would you feel a little apprehensive?

    Well, most of her friends are males, and she has a really good friend who is a guy and they text at least a few times a week... but I don't doubt her at all. I trust her fully. She doesn't try to hide the fact that she's texting him, and at times, if he texts her something funny, she'll even share it with me. There have been times when he would invite her to come have dinner at his place, and every time, she's asked me if I'm all right with it, and if I'm not, then she wouldn't go. She's very respectful of my feelings, and because of this, I don't doubt her.

    Now, if she met a guy and she began to text him, and I felt a little uneasy about it, and I told her that it made me feel uneasy, and she kept texting him, then YES, that, I would consider a problem.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:34 PM
    Kitkat22

    Good.. I think the OP has a reason to be concerned.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 07:37 PM
    ISneezeFunny
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Angelsamongus View Post
    Thank you for your responses. I forgot to mention that in one of the texts, the friend said she wants to find someone who likes her just for her. I can't help but feel that she thinks my husband is that person. Why would a 23 year old be confiding in a man twice her age if she wasn't interested in more than just friendship? It just doesn't add up to me.

    I'm not doubting your suspicions, nor am I invalidating how you're feeling, but the texting may be a generation thing. I'm 24, and I much prefer texting over e-mails and phone calls, mainly because it's that much simpler.

    Again, I'm not invalidating your suspicions, but I have had female friends even go as far to tell me that they want to find someone like me, but I know that they don't mean ME, specifically, as they know that I am in a relationship.

    What bothers me the most is that he knows how you feel about this, and won't stop or help alleviate your fears.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:01 PM
    red01
    I haven't been married 20 years yet, but I can see myself in your shoes. Honestly, I think he's taking you forgranted. He most likely hasn't acted on anything, yet he thinks it's 'fun' to have someone 20 years younger be interested in him. It's wrong either way. He knows it bothers you, and you are his wife. And, you are right, life shouldn't be this hard. Especially after 20 yrs of marriage and raising 2 kids together. Stay firm in your convictions... do what you need to do. He will come around.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:04 PM
    Kitkat22

    She see's a successful man and probably thinks he has money. She wants a sugar daddy.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:04 PM
    Enigma1999
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny View Post
    Well, most of her friends are males, and she has a really good friend who is a guy and they text at least a few times a week...but I don't doubt her at all. I trust her fully. She doesn't try to hide the fact that she's texting him, and at times, if he texts her something funny, she'll even share it with me. There have been times when he would invite her to come have dinner at his place, and every time, she's asked me if I'm alright with it, and if I'm not, then she wouldn't go. She's very respectful of my feelings, and because of this, I don't doubt her.

    Now, if she met a guy and she began to text him, and I felt a little uneasy about it, and I told her that it made me feel uneasy, and she kept texting him, then YES, that, I would consider a problem.



    Well, what works for you and your girlfriend, works for you. To each his own...

    I agree with Kitkat. OP has a reason to be concerned. ESPECIALLY if it bothers her. As it would me. Now, I'm not an insecure woman, but, get off the damn phone and pay some attention to me, would be my attitude!

    So again, what works for you, works for you, but OP isn't too happy with her situation.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:12 PM
    Kitkat22

    I would confront the girl and tell her to back off. If she gives you any lip... take the cell from her and I can't say the rest. You get the general idea. Where the sun don't shine baby!
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:13 PM
    Enigma1999
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    I would confront the girl and tell her to back off. If she gives you any lip...take the cell from her and I can't say the rest. You get the general idea. Where the sun don't shine baby!

    Haha Kit! You make me laugh!
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:16 PM
    Kitkat22
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Enigma1999 View Post
    haha Kit! You make me laugh!

    Thanks... I just imagine what I would do and voile'. :eek: Imagine how the gir would respond when it rang:eek:
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:19 PM
    KBC
    Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

    Please look at this site: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self it has a great insight and information as to how you can set healthy boundaries, using this information and putting it in use in this situation might get the results you are looking for.
  • Jul 20, 2010, 08:21 PM
    Kitkat22
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by KBC View Post
    Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

    Please look at this site: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self it has a great insight and information as to how you can set healthy boundaries,,using this information and putting it in use in this situation might get the results you are looking for.


    Good idea!
  • Nov 13, 2010, 08:26 PM
    MOMMYNOW
    ... i have a very similar situation. My husband says to me: " I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!" in response to my upset about the constant texting. It's so bad that she even sends him texts early in the morning to say "GOOD MORNING TOMMY". I have argued with my husband a lot and cried and worried and been upset. I looked online and there is a lot of this type of **** going on... there's even a name for it - the shrinks call it "AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR". One of the ways i tried to tell him how bad it was - i said do you think she would call on the land line(regular telephone ) this often? If it was ringing in our home and to just say "GOOD MORNING OR SOME OF HER OTHER UNNESSECARY CALLS LIKE AT 10 AT NIGHT TO SAY SHE JUST MADE A DYNAMITE F*^#'N PIZZA"... this texting is intimate , personal and secret. I feel for all the wives out there because it's a brand new weapon the sluts can use.. . good luck
  • Feb 20, 2011, 09:17 PM
    angieaaa
    Find yourself a young hot guy to text with and see how bad he feels.

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