I have been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband threw me a 40th birthday bash at our acreage. Approximately 50 - 70 people where there. My husband thought I was flirting with 2 male ex-coworkers, both whom I had worked with for 4 years. Both of the men are married and one of their wives were attending the party. I admit I was flirting, but it was in a joking way that all of us have in the past. There were two pictures taken that my husband did not like. One was one friend was in a lawn chair and I sat on his lap and took a picture. The other I was standing next to the other friend and as the picture was taken he picked me up (like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold). Also in that picture the guys wife was in the background watching. Well needless to say he was pissed. I apologized and told him I could understand why he could be mad, but told him nothing was going on. A few days later, he was going through my purse and found some pictures from a couple months earlier of some friends that went out for a going away party, well the guy that I sat on his lap was in one of the pictures and my husband came completely unglued. I cannot go on about how mad he was, he packed a bag, wanted to go over the this guys house and tell his wife that we were messing around. He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around. So on and so forth. This happened on July 8 and it is now August 15. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him, he doesn't want me going out with any of my single friends. I gave him a kiss this morning and he made a comment about getting my lipstick on him and not my boyfriend. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me, but I don't know what more to do. I HAVE NOT had an affair. All I do is work, come home and take care of his 18 year old son, and my 9 year old son in the evenings. He is not home in the evenings because he goes to work at Noon and gets off around 11:00 p.m. I work 8 - 5. He thinks I am messing around in the evening. I don't want our marriage over, but I am SO tired of being accused of something I have not done.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. It seems like your marriage is definitely on thin ice, but I think with plenty of effort things can work out.

The problem is that he does not trust you anymore, and in any relationship trust is very important. Now, I'm not saying he has a good reason for not trusting you, I personally think he overreacted, but the issue is trust. The only option is to rebuild this trust. Is that possible? Yes. Will it be easy? No.

I suggest that you sit down and talk to him and lay it all out, especially the current situation. Tell him, again, that you have been faithful and more importantly tell him how much you love him and that you don't want things to fall apart. Let him know that you want him to trust you again and that you want things to return to normal. Also tell him that he is not being fair to you by being so mistrusting. Finally, let him know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix things BUT he has to also be just as willing.

Make sure you have this talk during a time when niether of you are in a hurry to go to work, because it will be a long talk. Moreover, he will more then likely yell at times, but you will need to stay calm that way it doesn't end up being a shouting match.

If this fails then I strongly suggest you two get marriage counseling. If he is against it, then you will need to go by yourself. Remind him that you want this to work, and if he changes his mind here is the name, number, and location of the counselor. Really, if talking to him doesn't work then a counselor is the only other option. Good luck and keep us up-to-date!

Thank you for your help. I am soooooo lost. I don't know what to do. I have talked to my mom and friends, and they all say I have put up with it for far too long. I just want to give this my best effort. But there are days, I just want to cry. I am normally a very strong individual, but I feel like I am getting broken down.

A month of this is definitely a long time. But I personally don't think you need to end it right away... UNLESS... he has been physically abusive, if this is the case then other measures have to be taken.

To me it sounds like before this incident your marriage was going really well. Am I right in assuming this? If so then as I said earlier, I think the problem can be resolved, it will just take some work. You really need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Put a few hours aside and let your feelings out to him. If communicating with him doesn't work then please go see a marriage counselor. It really is your only other option when it comes to fixing this problem.

Our marriage was going fine, there were ups and downs (like any marriage), but do you think he had these thoughts before or why would he have blown up so bad? I have given him no reason to mistrust me in the past. I used to be able to go do things with my friends, and now I cannot not do anything. Is this right? I have delt with it to try and understand his side, but I would like to do things.

He completely over-reacted, he had no right to do that.

I can understand having a jealous streak. I myself have one, and its got me into a few fights with boyfriends in the past. But acting like that over sitting on someone's lap, or being picked up by another man... it's uncalled for.

You should'nt have to put with that. I suggest you two get some time on your own, and go for a walk or something, and talk it all out.
Tell him that if you flirted, it was accidental and harmless... tell him that you realise that it hurts him, therefore you won't flirt anymore - but make it clear that the way he acted was totally unacceptable, and it won't be tolerated again.

Try and keep your cool through the chat too.
Best of luck.

Thank you. There are times I feel like it is all me. It is nice to feel like maybe I am OK. Thank you again.

No its definitely not right what he did or is doing. You are not some child that has to confined to the house. That's why you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Communication is essential.

Also, I'm not sure if he had these feelings before, it's hard to say. It's possible, but it could also be the chain of events that began at the party that set him off. Not sure... maybe a little of both.

Yet, either way, his behavior has gone too far and you need to talk to him to sort things out. Again, if that doesn't work see a counselor.

I don't think its about flirting since two reasonable people can sit down and hash out where the line is as it differs for each couple. I don't mean to alarm you but this is something that can be the indication of more serious stuff to come. Its all about control and oddly enough, if you give into it, it feeds the need for more control. Better to overreact to this now than take a wait and see attitude since, if it is the tip of the iceberg, what follows is domestic violence. Please seek professional help as soon as possible before he escalates into more extreme behaviour. For your sake as well as his.

I be pissed too... that's a little over the top. Flirting is one thing. That was out of hand. I wouldn't want my wife being picked up by some dude she worked with.

I had a girlfriend who flirted too much and thought it was OK... dumped her. Yu don't respect him either.

YOU need to change your act... BUT, also need to sit dow nfor a long time and LISTEN TO HIM!!

I would leave this guy immediately.

Why?

Based on what you said….

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Originally Posted by BIM

He kept me up all night that night yelling,

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by BIM

He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around.

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He stripped off your clothes? They way I have interpreted this is that this is abuse.

If he can go that ballistic, it is time to move on.

Plus the constant controlling of you and the constant remarks about a “bf”. If he is that big of a baby as well, you are better off without him.

Thank you for your comment. I feel inside this should be done, but I hate starting over again. I am divorced once, I feel like a failure doing it again. I know that sounds weak, and I am normally a strong person, but like I said earlier I am feeling weak, like I am giving in.

You are innocent of any wrong doing, And any abuse you take is up to you. Even though you are 40 you've only been married for 3 and a half years. Take heed stop the abuse and being made to feel guilty now or it will escalate with time. He needs help and either he gets it or somebody has got to go!! Ain't that much love in the world.

No - I don't agree with the way the husabnd reacted at all. He's a louse too.

But this lady was way out of line - I am sorry - quit defending her.

She workeed with these guys for 4 years... then she's carrying on like that? That was more than flirting.

I bet $1 million she is NOT telling the entire story either.

Can we please have the full story?

I strongly feel she is not telling the full truth. I bet there is more to this. I just do.

Have you stopped to really think this through, it doesn't make sense that his over reaction came from this one event. Is it possible he has seen or heard of things that you have said or done in the past that all add up? I'm not accusing you of being unfaithful at all, I'm simply asking whether it is typical of you to sit on a man's lap who is not your husband? Although you thought it was and meant no harm, obviously, your husband felt differently, and he was threatened by it, as you would be too if the situation were reversed. Some gal you don't know, but apparently your husband knows well enough to invite her to sit on her lap on his birthday at his party... does that change the perspective a little.

He seems to be over emersed with feelings of insecurity and jealousy and you can't make him change that, but you can show him with your actions, not just words, that you are committed to him, your marriage, and that you will behave more appropriately, like a married woman. There is nothing wrong with having male friends when you're married, as long as they are friends of the both of you, and not just yours. My best friend is a single man and he is at my house a lot. However, I've known him for over 20 years, he was present at the birth of all of my children, is good friends with my husband (they are like brothers) and he is an uncle to my children (although not related), and his friend is over here often with or without him. He's not a threat to my husband or marriage in any way or form. Even with him, I draw lines, because I am married.

I agree with Wildcat. Flirting is one thing, but this was a little too touchy feely and if there was any alcohol involved, well that may have just made it worse.

Sit down with him and tell him you're sorry and that you don't want him to ever perceive you that way because your marriage comes first. I'm sure you are a good woman and he will see that in time, just be patient. However, having said that, don't allow it to become abusive, there's no justification for that.

That is the whole story-point blank. What I think is ironic, is my husband invited these two men - I didn't. If he felt there was suppose to be something between me and these men, why did he invite them. This was a surprise party for me, for my 40th. What is also funny is, the guy that picked me up, my husband new before him and I met. I agree that I went too far with flirting and I apologized for doing so, over and over again. I have tried to give my husband a feeling of security, but it is to no avail.

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys??

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life?? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never OK.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

Well, I'm sure this is not what you want to hear but you set yourself up for those accusations. Your own conduct and those pictures you posed in were pretty incriminating if only circumstantial. Frankly I don't blame your husband for being angry. If it'd been me I'd have reacted the same way. I don't mean to pick you apart but you're a married woman in her 40s with children. You'd better turn over a new leaf and cut the flirting and picture-posing with these men or you'll end up with a broken heart.

You are on the right path for apologizing but I think the key here is not so much the words that come out of your mouth but your actions. Your husband going to the extreme and ripping your clothes off was uncalled for and a severe over reaction. I am not trying to justify his actions, but, if he's put up with years of your flirtatious behavior without really saying or doing much about it, this may have just been the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn't be surprised if he invited those guys just to see, or in his view, confirm that you would behave a certain way with them.

We all talk about work, and the people we work with. Is it possible that you may talk about these people a little too much? Then, finding these pictures of you, although in your eyes innocent, in an insecure husband's eyes they are just more proof. Sitting on this guy's lap just added fuel to the fire. 4 years of working with someone is really nothing, you are still pretty much strangers... unless you lunch with them frequently and have very personal conversations with them.

Whether you're 40 or 24, being married grants more modest behavior with the opposite sex. He's struggling with what he perceives as your lack of character. It's going to take time to show your husband that you are committed to him, and your marriage and that you are truly sorry for any behavior that may have lead him to believe these things about you. He needs compassion right about now. Be patient. These feelings he has didn't happen over night so in all likelihood they won't go away over night either.

If your husband continues to treat you poorly or verbally abuses you (heaven forbid physically either) than other measures need to be taken. I don't think therapy would do much in this situation. Just lots of honest, good, non-threatening communication. If he's simply not willing to do that, than ask him point blank if he would like you to go? Tell him that's the last thing you want, however, if he's unwilling to talk with you and work on your marriage, than you have no alternative. I truly believe that if you can communicate with him, this will make your marriage stronger than ever because it brings in all the important elements like trust, honesty and warmth towards each other. We don't know much about his personality other than he blew up that night and is still angry. Is he a good husband? Faithful, hard working, loving? If he is, then re-commit. Woo him back, just like when you were dating. Make his favorite meals, wear his favorite dress, plan a weekly dinner and a movie night and end it passionately. Remind him why you chose him to be your man. I think he will give it back to you ten-fold, good men usually do.

That is very nice advise, thank you. I appreciate it.