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drhelp · Jun 7, 2009, 03:51 PM

My husband left me for another woman couple months ago. We were separated for 3 years however were getting back together - or so I thought. I read lots of advices as to what to do first and have maintained the no-contact rule. It was effective in a way: to his family he describes the situation as 'open' still

However I do not know how to act now. He does spend all weekends with another woman (again I know this from other sources... ). Concerning me, he tries to keep me emotionally envolved with him, mentioning things about 'us' in emails, and how much he misses me etc. It's two months since the break up and we saw each other once. He tells he would like to see me more, however I do not know what is the best action - given the other woman is involved. I am afraid that by starting to see him more while his priority is another woman I will just help to heal his pain at the cost of mine. On the other hand I would like to see if anything can be done to save our relationship and marriage.

griffers90 · Jun 7, 2009, 05:23 PM

It sounds like he is trying to reverse the roles of his mistress and his wife. He's living with her whilst keeping you dangeling on a string. I never like seeing a marriage end but as you had a 3 year break before he could just be trying to keep his options "open" as he puts it. Keep up the no communication and try to get out with your friends for a bit get your mind on something fresh for a while.

N0help4u · Jun 7, 2009, 05:25 PM

Three years and he sees you still fall for the still open to getting back together. He likes it that way because when he isn't with another woman he always has you to fall back on. '

As griffers explained, you in effect are the other woman now.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 7, 2009, 05:29 PM

What about drawing a line, he leaves the other women, goes to counseling with you

If he doesn't, just file for divorce an move on, he is just abusing your feelings at this point

taoplr · Jun 7, 2009, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by drhelp

... i do not know how to act now. ... i do not know what is the best action ... I am afraid that ... i will just help to heal his pain at the cost of mine. On the other hand i would like to see if anything can be done to save our relationship and marriage.

Your instincts are right. Entertain any thoughts of getting back together, and you are in for pain. He will never be faithful to you.

Deal with it; be kind to yourself; you didn't make him this way; and you don't have to make the same mistake again.

Tao

liz28 · Jun 7, 2009, 05:38 PM

It takes two to make a marriage work and your husband doesn't seems like he wants to right now especially if he is unwilling to drop the mistress.

Even though he might be telling you everything you want to hear his actions are telling a different story.

So maybe it might be best to shop around for a lawyer.

none12345 · Jun 7, 2009, 06:12 PM

If your husband left you for another girl, I don't think its worth getting him back.

I wish · Jun 7, 2009, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by drhelp

I read lots of advices as to what to do first and have maintained the no-contact rule. It was effective in a way: to his family he describes the situation as 'open' still

However i do not know how to act now.

How are the no contact rules working for you?

All the progress you've made has been reset, because you're just falling back into the same trap. The two of you broke up for a reason. Accept it and move on... You are basically re-enacting the pain that you felt before.

Gemini54 · Jun 7, 2009, 08:08 PM

I'm sorry, if he's with someone else then he's not available to you.

It requires two people to do the work of saving a relationship. If he's with someone else, then his actions are speaking much stronger than his words.

However, Fr Chuck does make a good point - draw the line in the sand and test his resolve (and yours as well).

Why waste any more time waiting and hoping? See what his priority is and then you can move on.

Romefalls19 · Jun 8, 2009, 07:30 AM

Fr is right, draw a line, if he leaves her and goes to counseling, then you will work on it. If not, divorce seems to be the only way.

I would have changed the locks after I heard "I found someone else"

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 07:39 AM

Well if you were separated for three years why didn't you date or move on? This seems to be his way of stopping you from doing that. Maybe now he is seeing this other woman isn't going to work out and he is falling back to you. Don't catch him - let him fall. Or be strong and demand counseling or something. He is playing on your feelings like a yo-yo. If he wants to be with you then he shouldn't be spending weekends with her.

talaniman · Jun 8, 2009, 08:33 AM

You made no progress in 3 years, and have the pain to prove it. Do this right, and stop talking to him period, and he cannot fill you with false hope any more, and you can do as he is doing, getting the life he wants whether your in it, or not.

See a lawyer, and REAL No Contact.

petiteabeille · Nov 17, 2010, 09:50 AM

drhelp, I think your husband is in need of your strength and decisiveness. There are people who can feel love for more than a person at the same time... Maybe your husband is confused and feels bad to leave any of you. You might want to try to be on your husband's side by proposing to accompany him to see and be friends with the woman. I know this might sound crazy but I saw examples in which this worked. Doing this you will know what your husband has found in her and not in you and improve it. And as time goes by, when she can't remain to be the third person anymore, she will find her right man, while your husband, he will finally understand and appreciate your assistance and consistence through his difficult time...