He was not 'cheating' on you in the traditional sense of the word, with another woman, or several other women. I do think that was a good question to ask him though, but, it does not fit the character profile, generally speaking of a predator, who exploits children for sexual gratification.

You are dealing with a man, who has some serious mental health problems in my opinion. That area of his personality has nothing to do with your marriage. He needs to acknowledge what he has done, accept his behaviour and be truthful, and then seek help in changing his behaviour. Recividism is very high among adults who prey on minors. The three years in jail did not 'cure' him of his behaviour of your minor niece.

I consider the 18 year old to be a victim also considering her circumstances, and his role of 'responsible adult' in her care under your roof.

The residual effects to both these victims, and their families, will be a lifelong struggle. The punishment for the minor may pay, by having had a jail sentence, as far as the law goes, but anybody working with, or having family members, or are teachers of children who have been violated in this way, know that the struggle didn't end when the jail sentence did. But, it did for your husband, who went on to victimize a very troubled 18 year old. There were many things he could have done- research for one, or seek help with any women's service that assists those that have such troubled lives as that young woman did. They would have jumped through firehoops to advise and offer guidance and support. Hand's on support, with counselling, education, etc.

It would have been easier to accept, and try marriage counselling had he had affairs with willing adult females, who mutually and intellectually and physically met the needs of each other. The situation you face, is not that.

It is a part of his personality to work his motives on you, as he did with the two we've talked about. He is 'sincere', he 'says all the right things' he 'promises to change' he 'wants to save his marriage' etc. etc. Showing all the right manipulative signs, such as frequent texts, loving gestures and words, and 'remorse' are all a part of the same package his victims succumed to. That is the man he is, and you too, are being victimized by his behaviour.

He cannot change because he says he wants to, and you can't, or shouldn't expect that he can change either. That part of his life will take a lot more than a few visits to a counsellor. Marriage counselling will certainly not help him get 'the cure'. He is a sick individual.

I may be too blunt, and I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is important that you separate 'affairs' and what that implies (two consenting adults), to predatory behaviour against a minor, and against a vunerable teenager.

Clearly you are on the right path, but, I am not so sure that any questions you ask or demand of him, will have any insightful or meaningful responses. He just wants things to get back to normal. And a few crumbs thrown your way might just smooth things over enough so he can feel vindicated. If YOU forgive him, then he faces no other serious consequences- just lip service, a sad face, and a few superficial gestures, and his life is okay again.

No amount of explaining on his part, will change who he is.

Jake2008,

You are not too blunt. This is what I NEED TO HEAR. I appreciate your bluntness, and your honesty to keep me on the right path.

You have made me see that I too have been victimized. Thank you!

I now understand the difference between cheating and him being a predator! Thank you! He has manipulated me for so long, and it's time for me to take care of me! All that you have said, has really made me come to the realization that it's over. To tell you the truth: I'M SCARED TO BE ALONE!! I've been married for so long, it's all I know. The thought of being alone terrifies me. But, it's something I know that I'll have to go through. Husband actually thinks that I'm going to bed with him, he acts like nothing has happened... I know know he really is a sick person. To think I'll just go right into bed with him, after what he has done. I know I have a long path of heartache ahead of me. But again, I know that it's something I have to go through. I'm actually thinking of moving out of state, and starting over. Our plan was to move to Settle in a few years. I'm seriously thinking about doing so. My son is 32, and I told him about my plans. My son told me, mom whatever makes you happy, go for it. I have such an awsome son!! I have a lot to think about. I'm going to move out in a few weeks, as husband will not leave. I'll have my attorney work on getting him out. Part of me wants MY house, but ugly memories of him taking her in our bed/bedroom haunt me! Husband gave me a blank check to buy a new bed. I know he just did that to TRY and make up for what he has done.

Thank you Aurora Bell!!

You're welcome :)

It's Friday. Struggling with so many emotions. It's hard, knowing my marriage is over. But, one door closes, another opens! Going to Dr. Today, to get checked for STD's. (We've) had the same family Dr. For 15yrs. It's going to be hard telling my Dr. The reason I'm there. It is what is it. Husband was acting so strange yesterday. I asked him what was wrong, he just said he's tired. I know he was lying, I can see right through him. It's hard distancing myself, but it's something I have to do, because I'm not getting sucked back into his deceitfulness!

I admire your strength Franz. When things get tough, the tough get going. You are an inspiration to women who find themselves needing to also leave their husbands, and I guarantee you they are reading your story.

I like that you are not fooling yourself either. You know that a rough road lays ahead, and I know that you are capable of managing all the potholes along the way. Every thing you do for yourslef now, you will benefit from.

I suspect that at some point, when you are free from your husband, you will look back without a shred of doubt that you made the absolute correct decision to leave.

Life will be good. Please keep posting, we are all here for you.

I can only echo Jake's words, you are an inspiration to many women to come. Lots of women come here in the same situation as you, and there are so many who have struggled to make the right decision. Many faltered and fell back into what was comfortable, only to find themselves right back where they started. Lots say how wonderful things are, how much their husbands have changed, but a few months later, they are back posting about their heartache from their cheating husbands. I admire you for staying so strong. Please keep posting. Like Jake said, we are all here rooting for you.

When it's time to go, it's time to go. I myself just got married this past March, after being together for 3 years. In June my husband went to visit family on the East Coast. When I picked him up from the airport he was a complete ****. Long behold I found out why 2 days later. I found pictures of him and his First Cousin naked together, kissing and even a video of them having sex. I had a nervous break down after seeing all that n was stuck on 3 anti anxiety meds for awhile. It gets better, in July she came to our state to visit him and he took off for 2 weeks with her. I come to find out later, he married her too, even though he was already married to me and at the time we were still living together. I had no money to leave n stayed until August. I didn't even have money when I left. Something just finally said enough and I just left one day with the clothes on my back, some makeup and a phone charger. Thank god I had family that lent me money for a few weeks until I could pull it together and get on my feet. I never imagined that something like this would happen, this was worse than just cheating. You always think that you can trust your significant other with their family members. It's sad to know people can do what they do with no regard to how much they are hurting those that love them. And now I myself am in the middle of a divorce. I haven't brought up his illegal marriage, despite what he did to me. The only wish I have is I could block this year from my memory =/ So let me tell you this, we can be stronger together knowing we aren't alone...

Thanks for sharing your story Mzbellaz, That is a horrible situation you were put in. You were very strong to do what you did. You too are an inspiration to many women facing divorce.

MZBellaz,

What a horrible, situation. I can imagine the pain you are in! It's so hard at times, like you said we should be able to trust our significant other. Keep strong! You are an inspiration to women!!

I've been off line for a while. Trying to get myself together. Been putting things away, getting ready to file, and do what I have to do in January. It's been very hard on me lately. The cousin has been calling me, telling me that what (they) are doing is between them, and to leave it alone. She's pregnant with husbands child. I've heard some of the messages she's left him. He's been sneaking around,giving her money, taking her out, and to Dr. appointments. It sickens me to think that a man I've been married to for 32 yrs, is capable of this. He's been promising the world, yet has these angry outburst,throws things, and yells for no reason at me. Well, this just makes me hate him more. I never thought I was capable of hating another human being. This has changed me forever. I don't think I'll ever trust again. It's so hard, knowing that I'll be alone, but I know I must be strong and deal with it. He tells me to give him a chance! I'm letting him think he has a chance, because I'm going to file, and move. I joined a gym. My friend, is going to help me find a nice place for my dog. I love my dog so much. She's a large breed, and it's not fair to have her cooped up in an apartment. It's going to be very hard, but I know I need a fresh start. Only good things can come of this. Husband told me, once mine, always mine. He tells me that he knows he'll win me back. He actually took her with him to work functions, and introduced her as his daughter. How sick is that? I just have so much to deal with. Knowing what lies ahead-terrifies me. I'm scared to be alone, yet, I welcome it at the same time. Does that make sense?

It makes total sense Franz. Everything you are feeling is totally understandable and normal. You are doing the right thing, you are being so strong. Don't give up. Your husband is a predator, he will push the bill to see what he can get away with. He gets pleasure taking her out in public, and pretending she's his daughter. Going back now would only reinforce his theory "once his always his".

It's really great to see how strong you are staying. It's going to be hard and there are going to be hurdles you will encounter, but it will only get better from here. He will never change, he will always be a predator. You on the other hand will continue to grow and change in a better way. You will become a better person and a person who cares for themselves enough to not let anyone treat them like crap.

I agree with Aurora completely.

What is worrysome though, is that you are planning to stay there until January. That is a long way off, and Christmas to get through.

Getting ready to file, and actually taking the steps, are two different things. You can have a separation agreement in place, and still remain in the house waiting out the time until an apartment is available. It is important that you protect your assets. Very important.

Every penny he spends on her, is half yours. If there are bank accounts, equity in the home, and all the other things considered in a separation agreement, it is time to get that in place.

Please see a lawyer, and get that ball rolling.

I would also consider a restraining order against the niece from contacting you. I doubt you would have any trouble securing that, and having her stop the phone calls and messages.

As to your husband, consider any abuse that leaves you in fear, as worthy of a 911 call.

That the two of them continue to control you in any way, means that you are not taking steps, or enough steps to secure your safety, and your assets. A lawyer will get the ball rolling.

I don't want to see you as a sitting duck. For all you know, their plan is to drive you out of the house, so that she can move in.

Thank you both for your input. I told husband that I know your trying to make me leave, so that she can move in. I had to legally evict her, so she cannot go back into the home. I told him, you will never live here with her! I told him to leave. He won't. I contacted my brother, I'll be staying with him, if I don't find an apartment. Which is what I prefer. January isn't too far away. I will stand my ground, I'm leaving when I'm ready. I talked to my son, I'll be signing the house over to him. I told him, we'll talk to your dad, and get the house signed over to you. We always agreed that the house would be our son. I still use our. This makes me so sad. Iv'e heard so many messages she left him, and it just hurts so much. What a sick person I'm married to. But, this will change. I do see light at the end of the lonnnngggg tunnel. Yes, I agree I must meet with attorney, as I know he's been giving her a lot of money. He's even been looking at baby clothes in front of me. Thank you both for your support. I need it! I'm not close to my family, and I do need to vent from time to time. Thanks again!!

Vent all you want to, there are some really wonderful people here to encourage you in getting through what lies ahead.

Many of us have lived through horror shows, just different versions.

Very happy you are making progress.

Please continue to come here and vent! There's always lots of ears here. Stay strong.

It's Thursday, haven't been online in a while. Emotions- lately I've been thinking about how I'm going to move forward with my life, and finally- I must honestly say that I'm ready. Before, I was scared to death of being along, but now, I actually feel at peace. Maybe, peace is not the correct word, but I'm feeling relief! It's so strange, all the feelings that are coming out. Changed my phone number, as I've had enough of being harassed by husbands cousin, and of being reminded of what has happened. (She's been calling me at work, and sending emails) Husband - well, same old bs. He won't talk to me about this, as I've told him many times that I have a lot to say to him. He tells me, wait until we go to counseling. When I brought counseling up, he acts all stressed out. (I say brought -in past tense as I'm not doing counseling) Told my husband last night, about the phone number change, and that I'll be filing for divorce. Husband acts like nothing happened. I told him I don't love you anymore. It's over. He of course, was acting defensive. I told him, you are a sick person, a predator, and you need to get help with your problem. He said something to me, but I just walked away. We both have 2-weeks off, beginning next week. I'm going to see my attorney. I told husband, did you really think we were going to live happily every after? I know you're just waiting, and will start all over again. You have a problem. I told him your work, family, everyone will know about you! You know, I'm very angry, and at the way I feel now, I want to destroy him. Maybe these feelings will pass, but I've been a faithful, loyal, loving wife, and didn't deserve this. I'm sorry, but these are my true feelings.

Just be careful about wanting to destroy. These are negative feelings and may come back to bite you in the arse. Also, I am not sure what kind of man he is, but the idea of his friends and co-workers finding this out could be more detrimental than losing you. He could possibly act out in violence in attempt to keep his secrets safe.

The main thing here is staying positive to you. Allowing those negative feelings to overcome you, will make you bitter. You need to stay positive for you. Those kinds of feelings are like the plage, they take over and eat you up. Of course you are going to be mad and resentful, but you need to find a constructive outlet for them.

Fran, I am SO proud of you. You are doing the right thing, and not a lot of women are as strong as you are being. Awesome work. Please keep us posted. You truly are a martyr for other women in similar situations!

Aurora: Thank you so much! You know, after I wrote that, I was thinking- what the heck am I doing?? I'm turning into an ugly peson. THANK YOU! This is not me!! I've always been such a nice person. This has really made me think. I must stay positive!! Last night was a relief! I have so much more to say to husband. Even when I was telling husband my feelings last night, he didn't say a word. He was so quiet, until after, and I didn't hear what he said. -It was quite brief. I'm ready to move on. It's going to be a fight with the house, but he's in the wrong, so we'll see what happens. I also know he'll want the truck (I) pay for. I'm keeping the truck! I do want to stay in the house. It will be a struggle with bills, but I WILL BE HAPPY AND FREE OF A LYING, PREDATOR!

Anger IS a good emotion, that may just help motivate you to make positive changes.

After what you have gone through, and what you are about to face, being angry is understandable. I'm saying don't disregard the anger. It can easily change from a motivating force, to a destructive force, if you aren't keeping it in check.

Stick to the facts, focus, and plan so that you clearly see, and get what you are entitled to.

Take the anger out with a long power-walk, or writing out a diary, or venting- here- or with a girlfriend.

I would be calling the police about the harassment from the cousin, and make a trip to file a restraining order to stop her.

I don't know when you are planning to see your Lawyer, but I hope it is soon. Many times one partner or the other is totally caught off guard when all the assets are put forth, only to discover maxed out lines of credit, credit cards, second mortgages, etc. This type of protection for you is essential, and extremely important. Particularly now that he knows the marriage is over- he has nothing to lose by maxing things out.

It is hard to separate the emotions from the situation at hand, as far as the assets go- particularly the house. This may sound harsh, but, deal with the aftermath and emotions, after you get yourself on financial footing. You will resolve little in that regard, until you are really free from him.

Keep posting!