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-   -   Hubby's Porn Addiction! (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=89258)

  • May 4, 2007, 03:06 PM
    Chebba709
    Hubby's Porn Addiction!
    Hello,

    I'm new to this message board but I'm so glad I found it. I need help but first let me tell you more and I'll do my best to be brief. ;)

    I'm mostly happily married for 17 years and have two kids. I adore my hubby except for one thing -- a battle with a porn addiction. I didn't know he had this addiction before we were married and frankly if I had -- I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I first knew something was not quite right when our sex life dropped off after the first three months and was no more than hit and miss after that. Over the years I begged, whined and pleaded for us to have a normal sex life but he'd lash out at me and tell me many reasons -- all my fault. He used my weight (5‘ 2‘ - 136 lbs.), my body type and many other really hurtful things so I'd stop asking. I started catching him doing porn and masturbating -- I was stunned at this because it didn’t make any sense to me. Finally I had enough and told him that I didn't sign up of a celibate life. His answer? Go get what I needed from someone else as long as I came back to him. What?? That was a deal breaker for me -- I'm not breaking the laws of God for anybody besides -- what normal guy would say that?

    I told him that either we get help for his porn problems and get a healthy sex life or I wanted a divorce. That got his attention and we went to counseling -- yeah! After two or three months, hubby told both Dr. B and I that he realized what he'd been doing was wrong and that he had no intention of hurting me to get what he wanted. The following Monday, I got a call from hubby -- I had to go pick him up from work because he'd been suspended. His boss had found the porn on his work computer and she caught him masturbating at work!! A nineteen year career down the dumper and he had to attend a hearing to see if they would take him back.

    I wanted to kill him -- not really but the sense of betrayal was so great! He didn't just dupe me but also Dr. B -- this guy had been in practice for 27 years! I mean he's such good lier -- his job required him to go to a different counselor -- an addiction specialist. In a nutshell -- she tried to blame his problems on me and a mother complex?? Oh this really didn't help us at all and it really ticked me off! He was doing this since he was little because his dad displayed porno all over the house -- he thinks it was good for his kids!!

    Fast forward to two days ago and my daughter and I came home a lot earlier than we'd planned and guess who was at the family computer (ewwwww!) going at it. I got our daughter out of the house before she noticed her dad dashing to the bathroom. Again the “I’m sorry - I won’t do it again” but I can’t buy that. I want stability for the rest of our lives and not look over my shoulder to see what he’s doing. Not to mention the escalation that seems to go with this rotten addiction.

    Help! I need someone to talk to. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want a divorce but I can’t take the sneaking around and I’d like to have a healthy sex life. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Please talk to me -- I can’t talk to my family about this and his family would only say he’s just doing what a guy needs to do!

    Chebba709
  • May 4, 2007, 05:17 PM
    Chris50
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Chebba709
    Hello,

    I'm new to this message board but I'm so glad I found it. I need help but first let me tell you more and I'll do my best to be brief. ;)

    I'm mostly happily married for 17 years and have two kids. I adore my hubby except for one thing -- a battle with a porn addiction. I didn't know he had this addiction before we were married and frankly if I had -- I probably wouldn't have gotten married. I first knew something was not quite right when our sex life dropped off after the first three months and was no more than hit and miss after that. Over the years I begged, whined and pleaded for us to have a normal sex life but he'd lash out at me and tell me many reasons -- all my fault. He used my weight (5' 2' - 136 lbs.), my body type and many other really hurtful things so I'd stop asking. I started catching him doing porn and masturbating -- I was stunned at this because it didn't make any sense to me. Finally I had enough and told him that I didn't sign up of a celibate life. His answer? Go get what I needed from someone else as long as I came back to him. What??? That was a deal breaker for me -- I'm not breaking the laws of God for anybody besides -- what normal guy would say that?

    I told him that either we get help for his porn problems and get a healthy sex life or I wanted a divorce. That got his attention and we went to counseling -- yeah! After two or three months, hubby told both Dr. B and I that he realized what he'd been doing was wrong and that he had no intention of hurting me to get what he wanted. The following Monday, I got a call from hubby -- I had to go pick him up from work because he'd been suspended. His boss had found the porn on his work computer and she caught him masturbating at work!!!! A nineteen year career down the dumper and he had to attend a hearing to see if they would take him back.

    I wanted to kill him -- not really but the sense of betrayal was so great! He didn't just dupe me but also Dr. B -- this guy had been in practice for 27 years! I mean he's such good lier -- his job required him to go to a different counselor -- an addiction specialist. In a nutshell -- she tried to blame his problems on me and a mother complex???? Oh this really didn't help us at all and it really ticked me off! He was doing this since he was little because his dad displayed porno all over the house -- he thinks it was good for his kids!!!

    Fast forward to two days ago and my daughter and I came home a lot earlier than we'd planned and guess who was at the family computer (ewwwww!) going at it. I got our daughter out of the house before she noticed her dad dashing to the bathroom. Again the “I'm sorry - I won't do it again” but I can't buy that. I want stability for the rest of our lives and not look over my shoulder to see what he's doing. Not to mention the escalation that seems to go with this rotten addiction.

    Help! I need someone to talk to. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I really don't want a divorce but I can't take the sneaking around and I'd like to have a healthy sex life. Any ideas? Any suggestions? Please talk to me -- I can't talk to my family about this and his family would only say he's just doing what a guy needs to do!

    Chebba709

    What a mess... but like any addiction or compulsion, he will have to hit rock bottom (lose something dear to him) before it sinks in. Right now his comments and treatment of you are just self serving and very predictable. If he appeases you or the counselor and life goes on... then it's back to his needs over anyone else's. It sounds like you have done your best. Direct confrontation elicited the typical response, " I won't do it again", "It's your fault" (blame the victim). "Go find somebody else" (gives him excuse to continue since you are now like him).. when lies don't work, blame it on someone or something else. And he told the professional what he wanted to hear. Well he has to take responsibility for his actions, clear and simple. Losing a career didn't faze him, but the threat of losing his family might. Give him an ultimatum and get your ducks in a row. You deserve better and so does your children. You don't have to divorce him but a separation... giving yourselves some space may help. As long as he continues the behavior, the vicious cycle will continue. Maybe his repeated offenses is his answer. He just doesn't care about the situation enough to change for you or anybody else. You deserve better than that. Have you considered a religious angle? Guilt and shame are powerful motivators and if it comes from clergy, it might help. Create a powerbase of support on your side and let him know it is there. Exposure of his actions will be something he can not defend or justify. Bottomline, if you can't trust him, and he doesn't respect you, what do you have? Don't be a martyr for him. Good luck...
  • May 4, 2007, 08:34 PM
    Chebba709
    Hi Chris50,

    Thank you for answering and offering some good insight into this mess. I can't tell you how good it feels to just talk about this with someone!

    I'm trying to get my ducks in a row but it's hard. The only reason he got a second chance at work is because he fooled his boss that he was cured and that moron woman doctor gave him a glowing report.

    Funny you mentioned the religious angle -- I made an appointment with our new pastor the day before he fired most of the staff that had been there for years and were greatly loved. Our church is in total turmoil and I don't trust this pastor to keep this private. No leadership there and my nerves can't take everyone knowing. Not now.

    I had no prior experience with addictions so I'm trying to learn all I can about it. There does seem to be a common thread of blaming everyone else, lies and well -- you get the picture. I'm just so tired of holding my breath for fear he'll escalate or lose his job. Oh who knows what else can happen. Thanks for your kind words and for talking with me -- it means a lot.

    Chebba709
  • May 4, 2007, 08:53 PM
    Fr_Chuck
    I will go to this point, if you can't trust your pastor, find another church, period, if you can't have full faith to confid in him/her. Next they have support groups for the wife's of men addicted like this,

    It is obvious he has no plans on changing, personally I say move out, I doubt it will make him change, just make it easier for him, since it is already obvoius, his job, his wife and his kids are not worth as much as his personal desire.

    But get back into counseling for you, and I would do a separation ASAP, but that is my opinoin and sort of shaded since I believe his behavior is just sick, I can't image the harm that could have been done to your daughter when she walks in on him.
  • May 8, 2007, 08:00 AM
    Chebba709
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    I will go to this point, if you can't trust your pastor, find another church, period, if you can't have full faith to confid in him/her. Next they have support groups for the wifes of men addicted like this,

    It is obvious he has no plans on changing, personally I say move out, I doubt it will make him change, just make it easier for him, since it is already obvoius, his job, his wife and his kids are not worth as much as his personal desire.

    but get back into couseling for you, and I would do a seperation ASAP, but that is my opinoin and sorta shaded since I beleive his behavior is just sick, I can't image the harm that could have been done to your daughter when she walks in on him.


    Hello and thanks for the reply. My kids had recitals this weekend and I was too busy with them to get back to the computer. By the way, they both were wonderful dancers! :)

    I understand what you're saying but I feel like I'm in shock -- I'm stuck. Trying to deal with this, my deep sadness over what's happening at my church and then keeping a good public face for the kids is taking a real toll on me. I took my vows very seriously and I'm having issues with that too. Besides what will I tell the kids? They think there's no problem, their dad is the best (which I don't want to tarnish by leaving him) and it breaks my heart to think of what this will do to my kids. We're not made of money and a separation would really put us in a bad financial spot. I was hoping other people would tell me how they've dealt with this problem and survived -- I feel like I'm just going in circles!

    Chebba709
  • Jan 25, 2008, 11:38 AM
    pornaddicthubbydotcom
    It may seem that you are alone and without resources however you are part of a large and growing community. Find answers and support at www.PornAddictHubby.com.
  • Jan 28, 2008, 09:49 AM
    BROCKSGIRL86
    Wow girl. And I thought that mine was bad. I am having the same problem. But we have only been married for about 9 months and no kids. I asked the same question if you want to read it. We have a lot of the same things going on. But I'm sorry to hear that, I really I'm. But I don't know what to tell you, like I said I'm having my oen battle when my husband and his porn.
  • Jan 30, 2008, 02:27 AM
    slash1
    Be happy he likes women and it might make your sex life better
  • Sep 3, 2008, 04:18 AM
    MTcc
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by slash1
    be happy he likes women and it might make your sex life better

    Slash, Obviously you do not know porn addiction or have a significant other. These men make for the worst lovers. There is NO intimacy or emotional connection. Often they choose non real sex, as it is easy, lazy and expect nothing in return.
    They end up as perverts. As the men age, the women in porn do not. Soon they are 65 jerking off to teens. As a wife or girlfriend, you become a hole and an emotional punching bags for lies of addiction. You can never complete with porn fantasy. Porn addiction gets worse with time, is all consuming and they have nothing left to give to the wife or family. Often these men have secret lives, of prostitutes, pedophilia, affairs, etc... file for immediate custody and support and get all you can. Document his addiction, and understand for everything you do know there are 20 things you do not.
    :eek: Run, Girl, Run. And take your daughters with you.
  • Sep 3, 2008, 12:00 PM
    BetrayalBtCamp
    First, I'm sorry you are dealing with this problem but it is a common one. That means there is a lot of good help available for you. And him, when he's ready to really face his issues. And with a dad like that, obviously they are deep rooted & long term unfortunately.

    Obviously, he's deep in the porn trap if he was doing it at work. You can put either a porn filter or something on the computer to let you know what he's doing on there. You can't believe him at this point. That will give you an idea of how much he feels the need to check out porn. There is a cheap computer monitoring service here:

    Covenant Eyes

    Another good source of help for you is at:

    Sexual Addiction Recovery

    They have programs for you both individually & as a couple to deal with this, there is a lot of free help there.

    There is also a lot of useful info if you go through the sites found using the Google terms: christian porn addiction help

    christian porn addiction help - Google Search

    Is he still denying there is a problem or minimizing it? You will have to use tough love on him if there is going to be any chance of a recovery that includes a healthy marriage for both of you. A separation may be merited but at first he will likely look at that as an opportunity to do what he wants when he wants without interference from you. You will need some good help to guide you through this, it definitely won't go away by itself. Check out the sites mentioned above & that will help you put together a gameplan to deal with this for yourself even if he won't cooperate.

    A good support site for you that is Christian but not sex / porn issues oriented is at:

    dividedheart.com - Index
  • Sep 16, 2008, 08:25 PM
    Overtored
    I am sorry to hear about your life. I experience the same thing however we have been married for 23 years and have 7 children a blended family, we raised all the kids. We have been to 5 different councelors over the years. He says he is cured and bam back at it. Now the kids are raised and out of the house he says he can't / won't quit. He has taken the last 3 summers off, spends his days surfing the net. He is beligerent and hateful.

    My advice is that you leave him. Once we get financially stable, I will divorce him. If I did it now, he would bankrupt us.

    Save yourself and your kids before you waste your life.
  • Jun 12, 2010, 07:58 PM
    verosnyder
    Are You in an Abusive Relationship?
    How bad does it have to get before you say enough is enough? An abusive relationship saps your energy, strips away your dignity


    I feel this is the most destructive addiction any relationship can face. At least a person addicted to alcohol or drugs actually wishes they weren't & therefore has some motivation to stop it, hard as it may be. But for porn addicted men-why would they ever want to stop getting sexually turned on? All men & woman want that & as they are the kings of denial regarding how it is effecting your relationship- they see no reason to stop. I feel men who are drawn to porn do it because it is easier than a real human relationship. They don't have to be nice to the girl in the naked pic, don't have to be considerate of her feelings, don't have to be charming, kind or clever to get her naked- all they have to do is click it on, put out nothing & they can get sexual views they would otherwise have to work at to get from a real live woman. It's like a baby preferring the bottle to the breast if given the choice, it may not be what's best for them- but it's easier. In the good old days before the internet, a mans only shot at seeing a naked woman was to woo one into bed where guess what? She was the main attraction. His desire to have her again & again kept him minding his P's & Q's in order to keep it coming. Now men can get on-line or turn on the T.V. & see better than what they have, if not better- at least different. I can see why God in the 10 commandments included thou shalt not COVET thy neighbors wife. Think about that- there was already a rule not to commit adultery but in his wisdom He recognized that merely keeping your pants zipped was not going to be enough to ensure a healthy relationship. So He makes a rule that basically is about the thought life. Don't even WISH you could have her, or see her naked... He knew that even if you were able to not act on the desires having them alone would ruin your relationship. I guess I'm sharing all this because it seems all the woman commenting here think if they could only get their guy to stop DOING the porn- their problem would be solved. I disagree. The problem is that they WANT to look at other woman & whether we face it or not- THAT's what hurts us the most. Show me a porn guy & I'll show you a guy rubberneckin the girls on the street, staring way too long & hard at the pretty young waitress, suddenly looking up at the TV he's been ignoring when the scene comes on with the gorgeous actress. And trust me ladies, patient as you are- it will wear on you. Eventually yourself esteem will have enough of having to police a guy into 'ACTING' like he loves you. We need and deserve a man who doesn't WANT anyone else because we are worthy & deserving of true devoted love. I finally left my pervert & am seeking someone who from his own moral character understands right from wrong. There are plenty of men out there who do not view porn. I'm sure you've heard from your man a thousand times that ALL guys do it-NOT. Start checking with all the happily married woman & men you know. If they've been together drama free for any length of time sex is good & porno is absent. We can not change another person, that's the sad fact we have to accept. But we do not have to live a life of knowing the man we are so totally devoted to sees us as nothing more than the nag who keeps him from his true love- porno. As for the advise in this article about controlling anger- hogwash! Anger is perfectly appropriate when you give love to someone who then gives all his attention, compliments (with his eyes) to other woman. Get out while you can & when you start dating again- keep a close eye on every new prospect for the signs. One sign of his attention wavering from you & dump him. My parents have been married for 63 yrs & my dad has never WANTED anyone else. He's not stuck with my mom- he loves her. Any guy who says he loves you & then continues doing something he knows could cost him you- doesn't love you. When you love someone you don't do something that attacks your partners security, sense of self worth, confidence, & happiness & call that entertainment. They just want to have BOTH, the woman who's devoted to them & only them- and to indulge their desires for every other female on the planet. Unfortunately, as they are getting both- you are getting' neither' for you are not looking elsewhere for your sexual gratification and you certainly don't have a guy who's devoted to you & only you if your with a porno guy. So he gets both & you get neither. Can't imagine why we're not happy with the set-up, eh? And since he is getting both, why would he want to down grade to only you? Girls, we are the first generation to have to deal with this and please in addition to dumping your porno man & being very selective next time around- please be careful how you raise your sons & what you allow them to be exposed to- their future wives will thank you.

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