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    mlewis631's Avatar
    mlewis631 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Aug 30, 2006, 09:06 AM
    How should I deal with my jealous,insecure hubby?
    I have been with my husband almost 7 years now. We have one son who is 3. The problem is my husband is very, very moody, jealous, insecure and disrespectful. Probably wondering why I even bother to try and save our relationship. Well, all I can say is it is not bad all the time and he really can be sweet when he wants. He is also a wonderful provider who when it comes right down to it would do anything for his family. I would like to clarify one thing right off the bat, he is NEVER physically abusive, he never raises his voice to me and he never swears at me.

    First, my husband is very moody. He will get angry for no obvious reason at all. I would say the one thing that sets him off the most is when I ask what he calls a "stupid question." These are questions that he thinks I should already know the answer to. When I ask one of these questions, he will get hateful and short with me.

    Second, he is very jealous and insecure. He has a job where he is away from home a lot. He will make little snide remarks about me having a boyfriend. He won't just come right out and accuse me of cheating, but he makes these "boyfriend" comments all the time. I have never given him any reason not to trust me. The comments will become more frequent whenever my sister is between boyfriends. He seems to think that just because my sister is single that I will suddenly want to cheat on him. It is not like I go to the bars with her. In fact, I rarely go anywhere besides to the gym, bank, groccery store and to visit family. I got on to him about these comments a few months ago and he stopped making them for awhile. But now that my sister is suddenly single again, and I am on a diet (have lost 14 lbs), he is beginning to make them again.

    Now to the disrespectful thing. He never puts his dirty clothes or towels in the hamper. He leaves dishes and trash just laying where ever he finished with them. He refuses to quit wearing his dirty work boots in the house. He won't do any repairs around the house. Example, we were going to replace our tile countertops in the kitchen. So, he begins beating out the old tile, taking down the backsplash etc... Now, 18 months later, the kitchen is still torn up. He started it, worked for one evening and has never touched it again. Get this, he refuses to let me hire someone to finish it. He says he will leave me if I hire anyone to fix anything in his house! There is also a long list of other items that need repair that he will not fix. If I say something to him about fixing anything, he tells me that every time I mention the repair it will just take him even longer to get around to doing it. And if I try to talk to him about cleaning up after himself, he says that it is just the way he is and he is not going to change. He also makes the snide remark "thats what I've got you for." which really infuriates me. He thinks that just because I am a stay-at-home-mom it is my job to continuously clean up after him! Or another one of his famous comebacks is "If you don't like it then you can leave." He is so infuriating! It is impossible to talk to him about anything with his crappy attitude.

    I could seriously go on and on about all the things that he does that make me so mad but I think everyone gets the point. I am just wondering if anyone has any advice on how I should deal with him. Is there any way that I can get him to trust me and quit being so disrespectful. I would really like to make our marriage work for the sake of our son. However, I am not content to live like this the rest of my life either. What should I do?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #2

    Aug 30, 2006, 10:20 AM
    It sounds like your husband needs to be under a psychiatrist's care. He needs both counseling and medical treatment. He probably has a chemical imbalance which is causing much of his irrational behavior. This can be treated with medication but some testing and experimentation will be required to determine the best medication and the appropriate dosage. You need to insist that he get the necessary treatment he needs. If he refuses, then sadly, you'll have to pack your bags and leave or pack his bags and throw him out. You are right in that you certainly can't go on living like that. It's not good for you or your son.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #3

    Aug 30, 2006, 10:32 AM
    He is a control freak. He has figured out a way to have as much control as possible with these methods you mention. Control freaks like isolation, hence the no repairmen in HIS house and are easily threatened by things that are outside their control, like your sister. Control freaks are usually not capable of seeing other people as people so the terrible things that they do are always justifiable. What he is already doing is considered emotional abuse. You need to GET THAT. You are half way to the mindset of a battered spouse glossing it over as extreme moodiness. You are justifying his emotional abuse by giving him points for not hitting you--that is absurd! To what extent his need to control will escalate, who knows. There is a range and he is not full blown. But just because he has not yelled or threatened yet, does not mean he remains that way too. They are often people who were very damaged in childhood but there is hope for him. But unless he seeks professional help, my guess is this only get worse over time. Just so you know, the minute physical violence is introduced to this setting, you have the complete recipe for battered spouse syndrome.

    Since you seem to have some influence with him still, I would suggest you seek out and see a professional yourself first, on your own, privately. Then at some point suggest he come with you. Because of how much I don't trust people who exhibit these tendencies, for your safety and the safety of your son, I would have a secret "leave immediately to somehere he can't find you" plan waiting in the wings and a professional can certainly put you in touch with the necessary resources for that.

    I can imagine that this is a lot to take in. Think about it, and do a little reseach here online. Look up "emotional abuse" please. Or better yet, don't take my word for it -- call a Domestic Violence hotline and talk about what you've talked about here to see what they say. I am sorry to be telling you such terrible news but this is what it is and the reason I know is I have been where you are, without having had a child.
    LUNAGODDESS's Avatar
    LUNAGODDESS Posts: 467, Reputation: 40
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    #4

    Aug 30, 2006, 10:35 AM
    Your husband sound like he is stressed and he needs some relief from the stress... encourage him to run and find a hobbie... a abuser does not have to cause you physical harm to you to be an abuser... just the words... that is what you are here for... you can take it or leave it... these are signs for an abusive situation... keep an eye on that situation... now back to the statements you made about he being jealous after he returns home from a job... tell hiim to stop the boyfriend talk... it implies you are a loose woman... you are the mother of his child and deserves to be treated with respect... lack of communcation in any marriage is bad.. keep sounding off... ask him to sit down and talk to you sense he says he loves you... as for the clothing get some décor baskets and placed around the house where he drops his clothes... this will help out a lot... maybe he will notice this action and re think his actions... go behind close doors and talk about this situation... a baby in the house warning...
    mlewis631's Avatar
    mlewis631 Posts: 6, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Aug 30, 2006, 05:43 PM
    Thank you all for your help. I appreciate the feedback. I have suggested that we go to counseling before and he said no. I also know there is no way he would ever see a psychiatrist. He thinks that mental disorders such as bipolar are not true. My sister was diagnosed as being bipolar and he says that it is just an excuse she uses to justify her actions. He doesn't believe in any of that stuff. I do agree with s_cianci though. I have thought for a long time that he might be bipolar or something else along that line. Getting him to go to the doctor is impossible though.

    Please don't worry about me becoming a battered wife. I know, famous last words of a fool. But seriously, the relationship that I had before my husband was a very abusive relationship. 2 years into the relationship, the guy started doing drugs and became very abusive both verbally and physically. Within a couple of months, I had my family on their way with a big moving truck. Trust me, I have no problem leaving when it comes to abuse. Its just that with my husband, everything that is happening is so subtle. Like I said, he never yells, hits or swears. It is more his attitude and snide remarks. I know that this is emotional abuse, but for the sake of not having our son come from a broken home, I would like to at least try and work it out which is why I posted here for some advice. But, as I have already informed him, if he doesn't do something I will leave because I will not have my son learning this behavior from him like he learned it from his dad.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Aug 31, 2006, 08:46 AM
    I would like to at least try and work it out which is why I posted here for some advice. But, as I have already informed him, if he doesn't do something I will leave because I will not have my son learning this behavior from him like he learned it from his dad
    He refuses help, counselling, or a doctor. Take your child and leave until he does something to correct this problem. You can talk over the phone but his actions are unacceptable. It takes TWO to make a marriage work and since he still doesn't get it your absence will at least make him think, especially if he knows you refuse to be his doormat. This is not a healthy relationship.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #7

    Aug 31, 2006, 04:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by mlewis631
    I know that this is emotional abuse, but for the sake of not having our son come from a broken home, I would like to at least try and work it out which is why I posted here for some advice. But, as I have already informed him, if he doesn't do something I will leave because I will not have my son learning this behavior from him like he learned it from his dad.
    I am wondering how long it takes you before you realise he isn't doing anything about it and don't fool yourself for a moment, your son has been learning all along already. Its not that I am so hot about splitting up a family either but you must realise this: every study in the book says that your son is better off in a single parent home with exposure to lots of other healthier people to counteract the limited exposure to his toxic father. Start packing for your child's sake.
    pasiria's Avatar
    pasiria Posts: 161, Reputation: 29
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    #8

    Aug 19, 2007, 07:16 PM
    I read a book "The Emotionally Abused Women" by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C. Thanks to that book I left my ex-BF. No one has to raise there voice or hit you. I will share part of a poem I published...
    My mamma always told me to be careful of men
    Who showed a bit of violence
    Though she never warned me
    Aggression came in a form of silence
    For years I construed your silence
    To mean you hated arguing
    My love had started turning into hate
    I no longer felt happy on a date
    I wrote you a poem which I could not conclude
    I left it undone in the phrase which read
    “The last tear for you I shed”
    I was fooling myself it was the last
    I cried for you a couple of more times
    Then I decided to go on with my rhymes
    At least when I rhyme my feeling stay here
    They leave my thoughts clear
    Today I thank God
    I don't shed a tear

    Leave an unhealthy relationship and time will heal you, you will cry, but at the end you will feel free... It is not easy and it takes time to finally realize that you are not respected. Just keep in mind that love shows respect, and loyalty. Good luck! Keep us posted.
    sovaira's Avatar
    sovaira Posts: 271, Reputation: 10
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    #9

    Oct 14, 2007, 09:57 AM
    Women are always not there to tolerate all the stupid things what their husbands do to them.although he has never hit you or be abusive to you.

    Even then if he does not change his atitude,just leave him, he is not a normal person.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #10

    Oct 17, 2007, 12:32 PM
    Hold on for a minute! First of all guys are usually running wild in the world created in their head.

    That said, There have been many, many times when my lady has interrupted a perfectly good day dream to ask a silly question. Do I bite her head off, not a chance.

    My lady and I do not think the same. We use different thought processes. When I snap back the answer, more than likely I'm going to get asked to listen first and answer second. That's the way we work.

    However, there is no real defense of his behavior whether he's in a bad mood. If "M" has been home all day and asks hubby something then he should control himself and just answer your question.

    I echo the previous posters that have advised you to consider stepping out of his world for a little bit so he can refocus. There is no reason on this earth for you to be his verbal punching bag, just because you are handy.
    Realist's Avatar
    Realist Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jun 12, 2008, 08:12 AM
    From my experience everyone seems to missing the very point of all this aggression.
    The man is creating all this in his mind, and believe me once a man start thinking to hard
    Everyone around him is in trouble.
    I wonder... and no offence to any ladies out there, but... I wonder if your previous relationship is known to your husband and if so guess why he is so moody.
    Every time he thinks about the other man, this abusive guy you spoke of, he starts to dwell on it in his head, and after such long thoughts on the dwelling on negative energy like that, I can't help but understand what he's going threw. You see I know were not suppose to dwell on the past, and I know us women can handle it much more effectively than men.
    Mens insecurities rise up when other men are involved. Most men cannot handle that there wife has had a previouse relationship before them. Call it jealousy or insecurity all men have this angry emotion. It could ruin a relationship and has.
    Women over the years have become more open with there sexual escapades and believe it or not Men don't like that. Secrecy sometimes is a must, regardless what experts say.
    This could explain his mood swings as he thinks of you with another man.
    The solution to this, I don't really know. I do know that he is suffering in his own thoughts and that you should not be stubborn with him but try to help him threw this, hopefully he will adapt. Men want there wives pure but in this day and age good luck finding a virgin.
    That is why men treat women so baddly in relationships, for the most part, because they don't respect them, do to the fact, that their women have had reletionships before them.
    Its hard to swallow that your wife has been handled by another man. Call it a double standard but it's the truth, If your husband is aware of your other men this could be the issue, it just haunts his memories, you have to keep these thought out of his head.
    If not the marriage is over. And to all other women out there learn from this and keep past relationships quiet. Remember a Stubborn woman is always alone after her husband gets tired of her, only love and respect keep a marriage going and how do you get a man to respect you if he knows you've been with 10 guys before him? You cant!
    Secrecy is golden and destroy or hid away any old pictures of exes.
    Hope this helps, and please this is only a point of view, don't be upset with the truth.

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