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ConfusedNikki · Dec 30, 2008, 10:53 AM

I just found out a few weeks ago that my husband of less than a year has been talking to his ex wife on a daily basis. He usually calls her in the morning, around lunch, and in the afternoon. He put a beautiful engagement ring on my finger back in November 2007 and in January 2008 I just found out that he was begging her back. He has never stopped calling her. My hurt is so deep because I have told him from the very beginning that my first husband cheated on me and that is why I agreed to marry him (my new husband)... because he was (I thought) so honest and committed only to me... He admits that he has done wrong and he has for the past few weeks stopped calling her... but I just feel so hurt, so betrayed... I told him that our whole marriage has been one big lie... I don't even feel like we are married now... How do I get over this?

N0help4u · Dec 30, 2008, 10:58 AM

If he has been willing to quit communicating with her you have to give him the benefit of the doubt and work from there.
Be sure he isn't hiding communicating with her.
If he still is trying to get her back... leave as it will be that you are just the consolation prize.
I know it must feel that way now but as long as he is willing to forget her and make it work with you you should try and work it out with him.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 30, 2008, 11:00 AM

Lie, did he tell you he was not talking to her ? Do they have children together ? What were they talking about.

If you are having trouble, and it appears he may be also, counseling may help you face the issues.

ConfusedNikki · Dec 30, 2008, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Lie, did he tell you he was not talking to her ? do they have children together ? what were they talking about.

If you are having trouble, and it appears he may be also, couseling may help you face the issues.

I don't really know how to use this site, so I didn't know what to hit to respond...

But anyway, he confessed to me that he had been talking to her and he was asking "her back" back in January, but after she would not take him up on the offer he let it go... But he wanted to know every time my ex and I talked and I am so devoted to my new husband that I would tell him everything... and in return I told him to tell me every time he talked to his ex... not that I minded and I was not jealous because he does have children with her... but I would always catch phone calls to her by accident on his cell and I would say to him "We told each other that we would tell the other one when we talked to our ex's...he would say "oh I just forgot"... but now I have since learned that those few little phone calls that I would find were only a few of the ones he had forgotten to delete because he was calling her 2-8 times a day... So he repeated lied to me and deleted phone calls and text messages to and from her...

ConfusedNikki · Dec 30, 2008, 11:32 AM

The first lie I caught him in was... I was sitting by him before we got married and I thought I would be cute and text him... well I heard his phone go off... and I thought well I guess he won't answer it until I'm not around,, to I took the trash out and came back and he never mentioned it... I asked him if he had received my text and he said no... I said I know you are lying and he continued to say the he had not received it... until 1 month later and I brought it up again... he said okay I did receive the text but I thought it was from my ex and I did not want to hurt you because it said "I love You"... I told him the importance of telling the truth in a marriage and as long as it was not him sending an I Love You text to her then he has no control over what is sent to him and I would not have been mad... but if he lied to me that is a reason for me to be mad... since then I have done nothing but catch him in stupid little lies.. one after another... just like a few weeks ago when I found out that he had been texting her and her texting him all along and he would always delete them... too bad he couldn't delete them from his cell phone bill!!

ZoeMarie · Dec 30, 2008, 11:39 AM

I would definitely try counseling with him. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a really tough situation to be in, but if he has stopped talking to her, then that shows he loves you and is willing to work things out. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, go without him, because I know if I were in your situation I would have a hard time trusting him again. Talking to someone about how you can cope will help you. Hang in there.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 30, 2008, 11:50 AM

Hmmm, well how do you get over someone's lies? Firstly, are you sure he is making an effort to stop regular contact? Secondly, I hate to say this but chances are if they are talking they have physically gotten back together at one point or another during your relationship? It is very common for ex's to sometimes have occasional sex after divorce... I know 3 divorced men and all 3 divorced men did just that... I hit them in the head because their stupid but even my husband said... "If we ever got divorced...I would still want sex with you...even if I was with someone else...because I love you and will always be attracted to you and I always will". Do you trust him?. honey if he is trying to get together with his ex, you need to give him a final ultimatum or leave.

ConfusedNikki · Dec 30, 2008, 01:34 PM

I do feel like he is really trying, but I am soooo hurt and I do not trust him at all, so I just don't know how to get over this... I do love him... but it is just not the same "Tim McGraw/Faith Hill" perfect relationship that I use brag about having... I do think he may go use another phone to contact her... I was married for 14 years before this "less than a year marriage" and after that marriage, I was determined to never get married again,, until I met my current husband... who seemed to be the most caring and honest man I have ever met... boy was I wrong...

Fr_Chuck · Dec 30, 2008, 03:47 PM

I guess the issue is more also why he is calling, I talk to my ex about once a day, still good friends, never anything else. I guess the issue I asked, did he say he was not, but was, or the fact he was and you just did not know

xoxaprilwine · Dec 30, 2008, 09:00 PM

How are you planning on getting over his lies if he continues to lie about it in the future... is this going to happen again? To what extent the next time... till you go blue in the face? I really don't like the idea of him asking for his ex back while in a relationship with you and if you do not feel the same as you use to then why the torment? Would it be possible for you to love and respect yourself more to take a break from the relationship to try to see how you feel about him and the situation?

complicatedlife · Dec 30, 2008, 09:28 PM

Walk away he's so not worth it! If he really love you he would never think of calling her. He so careless you're his wife he has respect you there should never be such big doubt. You will never be able to trust him after this...

ConfusedNikki · Dec 31, 2008, 08:16 AM

To answer your question about was he lying about the phone calls or did I just not know...
He expected me to tell him every time I spoke to my ex, so in return I told him to do the same... I kept my end of the bargain, I told him every single time... I would use his phone every now and then and I would see a phone call or two to his ex... I would confront him about not telling me and he would say "Oh, I just forgot"... a few days later I would find more... BUT, after seeing the phone records a few weeks ago, I realized why he could not tell me... THERE WERE TOO MANY!! He would not have been able to get anthing done e, but call me and her all day... her to talk and me to tell me that they had talked... the boy guy doesn't have that much time on his hands..

xoxaprilwine · Dec 31, 2008, 08:37 AM

I understand there are boundaries you both set out in the relationship but dishonesty, integrity, loyalty, trust and mutual respect; one of which the components where compromised... and to me these are extremely important. You approached him and discussed this with him however, do you honestly think that this situation won't come or that there won't be a time that he does stray back considering his motives in the past? At this point your not married to him and can make the decision to put the relationship on hold so he can determine what it is he wants. Which will end up being you... my concern is that this will reoccur and you will have more stakes to burn at that time. You have decided to remain in the relationship and continue with the potential marriage and there is nothing we can say or do to change your mind though most of us agree that you should move on. So how do you get over his lies? I found a link that you might find helpful... there is plenty of information available.

Coping with Infidelity: Resentment (Part 4)

Just let it go and move on... how you intend to do that is difficult to assess because we all handle and cope with stress/anxiety differently. I wish you the best in 2009.

ConfusedNikki · Dec 31, 2008, 01:33 PM

I just want to say thank you to everyone that responded... I have never asked questions online, so I really did not know what to expect... but this has REALLY helped me to hear your views on my issue... I was struggling so much before I did this and now I don't feel so alone in my ordeal... because before I heard your comments I was sick, sweating, cold, shaking, crying and could not eat at all... I am finally feeling better thanks to you guys... THANKS SOOOOOOO MUCH!!