I am currently separated from my spouse of three years. We had several fights last year which escalated into physical fights. I called the police after the last incident. He was arrested and I moved out. He has been going to counseling, and we still speak frequently. He has been working on his anger problem, and I am wondering if there is any hope for us. He has sent me letters, cards, flowers and apologies. I know in domestic abuse cases that the man always apologizes. I believe him though, I believe he has actually been working to change his behavior.
On the thought of moving on to a new relationship, I almost feel like it is riskier to try to date someone else (the unknown), when the same thing could happen again. I am wondering if, since all of our friends and family know what has happened, and are willing to help us out... if there is a chance we could work things out. I am not excusing his anger/ violence issues, but we did have other problems with communication that were just as much my fault as his. I know that people can cease being violent, but even if that is so... can the injured spouse forgive? Our divorce is almost finalized, and I am just worried that I am losing something that could have been truly wonderful. If we are both at a stage in our lives (mid-30's) and we are truly working on a relationship, can it be salvaged? If we have always both been successful in life at whatever we set our minds to do, can we patch a broken relationship?

I believe everyone should be given a second chance. But it sounds like he has already had many chances. Do you have children? And if so is he violent towards them? Is he only violent towards you? Or is he violent towards other people or family members?

Answer those questions and I'll tell you whether to stay or leave.

I, by the way, am the oldest adult child of a violent man.

I grew up with an abusive father, and I consider most men who have physically hit or abused anyone, are more than likely going to do it again. However, most women on the receiving end or physical abuse keep it to themselves. If all your friends and family know and are helping I think maybe a second chance could be a successful one. Most alpha-males are thrown off by the intervention of other alpha-males, so if your family and friends know, and he hits you, he knows he hits them as well. I wish you the best of luck

Hi,
We do not have children. He has never been violent towards anyone else. Evidently his father and brother both yell and push and scream. I spoke with his sister in law, and she said that she has been afraid of his brother's yelling, screaming, and throwing things as well. Everyone thinks he is the sweetest guy. Oddly enough, he seems overly sensitive, like he cries before I would. I appreciate your answering. I am am just torn because I would like to think people can change. He appears to want to change. He says he really wants a loving happy household. I believe 100% that he believes he will not be violent again, but I just am not sure that he is capable of it. Life is hard after all. It would be worse with children 10 years from now, but what if everying is different? He implores me that we can work this out. I hate to walk away when we have so much else going for us.

While people can change, anger and violence is one of the harder things to change from. And while there is always a risk, to be honest this is not the norm with men and the largest part will never be like that.

I would strongly suggest you also go to counseling since emotions of fear, or guilt and others can stop you from going in either direction correctly.

After you get counseling on your own, then I would if you still want to give him a chance, do group counseling with him first.

If I were to give him a chance, most likely it would be a year or two more down the road after continued counseling on both sides.

Oh, I have been going to counseling at a local abuse center, and on my own. The abuse center counseling's main goal is obviously to prevent violence in the future. I am working through issues with myself. I know I do not deserve to be treated badly, so in that sense, I know why I left. It has been 7 months since he was arrested and we did not see each other for 5 months. We only communicated via email, letters and phone. It is just hard to get a divorce. I just don't want to make a mistake, and I don't want to quit if it just needs work. He has said from the beginning that his being arrested was a huge wake up call, and that he needed it. He realized that our fights were bad, but that he didn't realize that throwing things and screaming could scare me so much. (There was also some physical contact 3 times) I just don't want to make a decision without all the information I can find.

I'd work on you. Fix you - get better - heal. Go see s counslour. Move on.

I'd just forget with him.

I don't think anyone should get back together if there was cheating, abuse - physical or mental, lying etc.

There will ALWAYS be resentment. Always.

Get the divorce - free yourself.

I agree with bluerose in that people do deserve second chances but this second chance can't happen right now and he needs to sort out his issues alone with the help of a professional. His second chance should come with significant change a couple of years down the line as Fr_Chuck above point out.

No one deserves mental or physical abuse.

He's not gooing to be better in 7 months.

QUite frankly I'd think you'd be nuts to trust him for a long, long time.

Somethng about you sets him off. I've seen this before... oh sure there will be promises.

Is he a drinker? Drugs?

Thanks Wildcat21. He does not use drugs and rarely drinks. I think that is unusual in this type of situation. I guess it is just hard to walk away. Some things perhaps are just too broken perhaps. I guess the real problem is that I don't know how to trust anyone else either. He does not get angry easily or often. I had no warning. I didn't even usually know when he was about to get upset. All of a sudden a soda can would fly through the air in the other room or he is screaming and cussing at me. I am just afraid I will spend the rest of my life waiting for the next shoe to drop with another guy. If there are not a lot of warning signs (i.e. not a drinker, did not seem violent EVER even remotely until after we were married, is a software engineer with a good education and good job, people like him, he has LOTS of female friends... who by the way have all stood by him during this), it is hard to predict who might be a good for relationship potential... It is even hard for me to separate out now how much of leaving him is about fear of starting over, fear of the unknown, mistrust of men in general.

Since I have basically told everything else, perhaps it helps to say what happened.
There were a couple of scary arguments, and one big physical fight: I locked myself in the bedroom and he broke in and dragged me/ carried me down the hallway. I think I passed out in fright because all I remember was screaming and then I was laying on the ground and he was asking if he needed to call 911. We had two more fights, one where he grabbed my face and one where we were struggling over a my purse ( I was trying to leave). That was kind of just a struggle, but I think he stepped on my foot on purpose and I fell down and he stepped on my chest. I guess I have my answer, it just seems so hard to determine whether people can or would change. I guess it might not be worth the risk. The state of Texas put him on one year probation, but if nothing else happens, he will have a clean record. (as long as nothing happens in the one year, they will expunge his record)
It is just hard to walk away feeling like he has changed and someone else will have the great relationship with my ex husband.

You want to be with this guy WHY??

Run. Move on!!

I'm of the mindset that a certain type of physical abuse should be offered a second chance. Unfortunately for you, the kind it sounds like he's giving isn't the kind I'd try to change. There have been times in my relationships where I could seriously justify backhanding my girlfriend for say/doing whatever the stupid thing it is she said/did in conjunction with me being wound too tight, and not in the mood to deal with her BS, but even at that point I never did. I could never rationalize dragging her by her hair around the house over something that's probobly trivial. Particularly when there's no influence of drugs or alcohol.

Losing your temper in an emotional extreme I can see forgiving, but this sounds like his intention is to hurt you, not to release pent up anger. Physical abuse has no place in any relationship, and even if you still feel the urge to forgive him and try again, I'd suggest you date a few other people while you give him time to work on himself. You never know what's out there, but you know what you've got. When what you've got it somebody that's physically violent, I'd bet that against somebody better. Not to mention it'd be the true test of his recovery. If he freaks out and becomes verbally abusive at the idea, you've got your answer. If he lets you do your thing, there's a possibility of recovery. Even then I'd still say give it another 6 or 8 months before you decide.

I will change my advice after reading the type of abuse and the number of times.

Walk away, get your own counseling to help you get over this.

Aphelonia, Work on yourself as I know you haven't gotten over this and will be traumatised and confused for a long while. I know the fear of a broken relationship is fresh and hard to deal with. Leave this guy alone and work on you getting healthy and let him work on his demons. The last thing you need is to get back into an abusive situation before you get your own head screwed back on the right way. You cannot rush this process and trust me neither one of you is ready to deal with this yet. You may never get to that point. That would be better than getting your butt kicked or worse.

Aphelonia,

If you are determined to give him another chance then I want you to try something... This might take every ounce of courage you have... But I want you to arrange to meet up with him, somewhere public, take a friend along if you like. Then I want you to bring the conversation around to something you know set him off in the past... See what his reaction is. If he has changed as much as he claims he has, he will not react. He may even agree with you and offer up an apology. But if he reacts negatively - raising his voice or blaming anyone but himself - then you will have your answer.

I do not believe violent people can change, they may learn how to deal with their anger... But it doesn't take much to get under their thin skin.

If you do go back, I guarantee you that you will feel like you are walking on eggshells for the rest of your life with him.

I am worried for you because I feel if he says the right things now - you will go back to him. Not good at all.

I thnk the place to start is serious couples counseling.

But don't live with him. Or be a couple until the COUNSELOUR says it's OK.

You go to those meetings separately.

Then you'll see how seriosu he is about changing.

YOU CAN NOT get back together just hoping things have changed and he says nice things.

Once the coast is clear...

If you can live apart from him for five months, you can live without him forever!

He will NOT have a "great relationship" with someone else. He will always be an abuser. I know someone like this. He abused all three of his wives.

I say PLEASE leave!! Good luck to you!

R

There is a strange phenomena, rather like the famous and deadly rip tides of Florida, in the subtle psychology of domestic violence that makes women go back when they shouldn't or justify staying. It is part of what makes it all so serious and how women end up seriosuly injured or dead when everyone around her said "oh but she knew better!!"

Rip tides routinely drown people because they require a scary solution. People panic and try swimming straight for shore when what they need to do is swim parellel to shore until they are out of it. Professionals who help domestic violence victoms know how to offer help that makes it possible to escape the rip tide of domestic violence. I would definitely seek the help of a domestic violence expert/professional before making any further decisions. I can't emphasize that enough. Look in your phone directory for a women's shelter who can put you in touch. While we can offer suggestions here (and you have some excellent ones) it is not, in my opinion, a fair substitute for someone who knows all about this topic on a professional level.

The trouble with domestic violence is that it is not really a choice on the part of the abuser. Either they lose control and become violent, or they really believe that violence is OK in those situations. Neither of those are easily changed. The former is like alcoholism: It's a long road to get away from it, and even then the rest of one's life is spent dealing with it to make sure it doesn't come back. The latter is even more complicated: There is no sure way of retraining a person from such a fundamental misunderstanding, and anybody who truly believes they're right will be more than happy to lie their way to freedom by pretending to change. Either way, you have a VERY high chance of recurring and escalating violence.

Get out. Stay out. Do everything in your power to never see or speak to this person again for the rest of your life.